Hi everyone. Not any new development of myself, more of a gradual understanding really. My CDing itself isn't taking on any new dimensions. I am never desperate to dress. I never get depressed when I don't, or when I change back to men's clothing. But, nor do I ever feel a need for me to not dress, or change back either.
Dressing for me is never about any thrill. I don't get anything sexual from it. I don't become anyone different, or go into some other space in my head. It just feels comfortable, relaxing and natural when I do. To this day, I do not have any other name than my own. No female name attached to me.
I do get frustrated sometimes being a man and not a woman. I often feel I relate to women better than men. I sometimes do check the TS section and once in a while do make an occasional post, but there is not really where I feel I am most aligned to either.
I never actually get a feeling of "I am a woman." For me, it is more like I am more like them, at times. But so too at times, it will evaporate. I love to play golf. When I do, I am all guy on the golf course. I like to hit from the back tees. Hit it long, play aggressively. When I am playing golf, it is like TG doesn't exist for me. Most often too when I am with my kids. Sometimes too at work. (not always though)
Where some on here have goals to achieve, or pursue or be able to be more feminine, I do not. Femininity in as far as mannerisms all comes natural to me. I have to practice nothing at all. When I am at work or in other social situations, I have to sometimes work to keep those mannerisms hidden. At least not so obvious anyway. Sometimes it sneaks out, and I have heard occasional comments through my life.
While over time, I am coming to accept myself more, and be more comfortable with myself, the femininity seems to show itself more. But- my desire to dress seems to not increase either. If anything, I feel less of a desire?? I feel more comfortable than ever when dressed, but whereas when I made the initial plunge to self acceptance and allowed myself to dress, I remember going home from work and it would be the 1st thing I would do. Or if my wife would be gone to her sisters or friends. She would be pulling out of the driveway and I was already upstairs changing. Now, I do not get that type of feeling. But again as I said, when I am dressed, I am more comfortable now than ever before.
I guess I am just somewhere in the middle in the whole gender spectrum. Wearing male clothing does not bother me.... but NOT wearing female clothing sometimes does, if that makes any sense at all, because TBH, it doesn't for me. How can I be not bothered to be dressed as a male but be bothered to not be dressed as a female??
Either gender pronoun seems to equally fit me. Describe me as she, or he, and neither feels wrong. I am not in a state of crisis or turmoil.... but, so often though, the masculine and feminine aspects of myself sometimes do collide in ways. My nails are definitely borderline girl length. When they get long, I like it, but I don't like it. Make sense yet? or is anyone reading this have their head spinning as mine often does lol. I feel great when I shave my body, but then sometimes get a feeling like I am going to grow the hair back (I never do though) but it is almost like there are moments when I miss it. Yet, a few days of stubble on my chest or legs will drive me insane. I feel a sense of relief when I feel only smooth skin....
Anyway, I have no goals, no destination other than peace and happiness. Perhaps this place in the middle, or both is really where I need to be. I have no plans to go further, dress more, or less, feel any more or less of anything. I never really have. I am just slowly accepting myself for myself, and find myself more and more somewhere in the middle between male and female.