End of an era for me

[Jayne]

Hi all

Me and my wife have had a bad period, her mum died her dad was diagnosed with early onset dementia and I took early retirement.
My hopes of a happy retirement have been blown out the water as my wife has become her fathers care person and we have less time to go away than we did while I was working.
We have had arguments and nearly split up on lots of occasions the past few months.
Sunday we had another bust up and she blamed my dressing as well as a cause.
I have been hair free all year and although my full dressing has been restricted, I have had my toe nails painted all the time and taken to wearing panties every day.
She believes I want to become a woman full time and has used this as a point to argue.
I have taken three bags of shoes undies coats, dresses, wigs etc to a charity shop.
I have saved a case in the loft I case I get an uncontrollable urge to dress.
I hope we can save our marriage, I hope I can live with hairy legs again, only time will tell.
You have all been great friends, keep happy and enjoy your time a women as long as you can

Hugs

Jayne xx

[Sandyhappygirl]

That is a very sad story indeed. Best wishes for a happy conclusion from a fellow Englishman.

[Martina]

Jayne, I do hope things work out for you both.
It is never a good time when family matters upset plans that you have made.
May I also wish you good luck for the future.

Martina

[Al67]

Hi, I can see both sides to your story. She is probably worried she is losing you as a man, you need to sit down & talk through her worries as well as your own without falling out... pm if you need to talk more

[Dana44]

Jayne, a sad story. Hope you an the wife can work things out. maintain yourself though and be kind to yourself. Be kind to her also. But as a male you don't need hair. your fem self may hit back. So, man up and be a man to her and I bet she will respond. She may after a while talk to you about it again. But hey one can't live with hairy legs.

[Allisa]

Jayne my condolences on your mother in law passing. I know of the effects of taking care of a parent with dementia. Please see if you can find counseling for your wife(and you) or at least a support group for what she is going through with her father. This may be a factor for her lashing out at you for it is frustrating and a major life change, and yes even anger at times. I am saying all this from my experience, I am not a qualified professional so take my response with a grain of salt and if it helps... great, please take care of yourself also and best wishes for you and yours.

[Nadine Spirit]

Gosh these stories so sadden me. Sorry to you about this situation. It is unfortunate that our dressing is such the easy target.

[Teresa]

Jayne,
I feel for you and I can't help feeling you've fallen into the trap of believing it's all your fault. Your CDing hasn't caused the disruption in your wife's family, sadly these things happen, the problem is you wife needs your support and feels your dressing is in the way and possibly you're too preoccupied with it.
I've been in the separation situation and the conclusion was it was going to hurt us both too much, a compromise had to be found. I put my CDing situation in writing to my wife and asked if she could live with my needs as I had written it down, I managed to get a Sunday to myself and now attend social meetings. My wife can see the difference in me and now realises she has someone she can depend on again, she knew I couldn't give up CDing and was prepared to pay a high price to achieve it.
The point I'm making is you have to deal with your CDing needs as much as anything else in your life , it is important , it's part of you and shouldn't be denied . The outcome maybe you split with your wife anyway because you just can't live without it even though you have stopped shaving body parts and given clothes away, those measures aren't going to stop your needs just because you're trying to prove something to your wife .
You will be able to support her more if she can accept the needs you have to be comfortable in yourself.

[Julie Denier]

Hope all ultimately goes well for you, Jayne.

[OCCarly]

I doubt that your dressing is the real issue for her if she has tolerated it up until now. You and your wife have been through a lot, her especially. She lost her mother. She is stuck caring for an invalid father. There is no hope of any real vacation on the horizon. And you retired. Any one of those things can be a major disruption in itself.

Some people do not react well to retirement. I know guys who wrecked their health by retiring, and I know guys who wrecked their marriage by retiring and being around their spouse all the time.

Your wife suffered the triple whammy, and all the bad feelings that come from that have to come out somewhere, some way. Unfortunately you are stuck smack in the middle of the firing line, especially by being retired and home all the time. Your dressing just happens to be the thing that makes you vulnerable to attack.

I don't know that it matters whether you were dressing, or had some other area of interest. A women in that situation, if you were spending your days hoisting a pint and throwing darts at the pub with your mates, she would probably find a way to yell at you about that.

My advice is, do not purge. Put it all in storage if you can. I hope things get better for you.

[Stephanie47]

Sometimes there is a last straw that breaks the camel's back. I'm sure your wife also feels the same as you do. If she is going to be a caregiver to her father, then her retirement plans are also blown to bits. If she has had lingering negative thoughts about your cross-dressing then this course of events has added stress. I wonder if she has had reservations about your expectations of cross-dressing in retirement.

I've told a close friend who has become the caregiver for her mother who is in dementia that she has to take care of herself. There is nothing wrong with an aging parent with infirmities, physical and/or mental, being placed in a professional care facility equipped to handle the person. Yes, there may be the guilt felt by oneself and heaped on by the parent, but, one must protect themselves also. Being a caregiver is physically and mentally demanding and draining.

You may want to make sure that you have not conveyed any sense to your wife that she is the sole caregiver for your father-in-law. If she feels she is in this alone, she may become resentful and strike out against your cross-dressing. After all, she cannot really strike out against an invalid parent.

[Tracii G]

In the few recent stories of members here essentially having to quit CDing it appears the wives have no flexibility or are unwilling to understand their husbands feelings.
Its their way only and the husbands wishes or desires are not even considered.
IMO that is unfair and a real shame.
If the situation were reversed the women wouldn't put up with being treated that way and walk out more than likely.
I have been in a marriage where my feelings didn't matter and I can tell from experience its down hill from here.

[SherriePall]

I don't see this as a CDing-centered problem.
The problem is the piling on of events on your wife.
Caring for an aging parent is hard enough without dementia or alzeimers being added to the mix. While she is caring for her father, she is probably going to be pouring all of her energies into his care.
There will come a time when that care will be too much for her and a professional or professionals will have to step in.
Show her your love and consideration during this time because I am sure she realizes the time she has with her father will be shorter than anyone would like.

[iGenny]

Jayne, I hope you can work through everything. I have no advice -- I'll just wish you happiness.

[Maria 60]

I don't know you and don't really know how your relationship was before all this resent activity so it is hard for me to be judgmental. But my father had dementia and let me tell you to see your father, hero, strong powerful man turning into a child again, and most of all the feeling of entering a room and he doesn't know who You are. I feel for your wife having to deal with this burden, but I also feel for you because the dressing really didn't have anything to do with it. But I hope she sees it as a commitment from you as what she means so much to you that you threw everything out for her. I will speak for myself, in my fathers final month in the hospital, I was dressing twice as much, just looking to escape myself and be someone else even if it was only for an hour. I wish you the best and I won't say goodbye because you will be back, we could only wish throwing a bag of clothes and wigs would end it, it's not that easy, it's in our blood. I hope you are both strong and fight your way though this.

[rachelatshop]

Hi Jayne,
I know a little about what you are experiencing, as my wife's mother and father are in their late 80's, her mother is showing some signs of dementia, and her father is suffering from Parkinson's. Her brother is less than any help, so the burden is all on her. Sometimes it is very difficult as she is needs to be with them for extended periods of time. Hang in there and give her all the support you can, because she is going through a very hard time. She maybe taking out some of her stress on you, because she need your brood shoulders. This to will pass, so just TALK, TALK and don't forget to TALK

[docrobbysherry]

Jayne, I have read a number of posts like yours. And, I always wonder; If a dresser shaves or wears nail polish, etc., etc. and their SO doesn't approve, what r the consequences?

At your point in life, I think u should be able to do what u want. If u do what u want, what happens? Does she withhold sex? Hide the TV controler? Run up her credit card? Smack your knuckles with a ruler?

My point is, what is it that SO's do to make u so miserable that u toe the line? Make u unhappy enuff that u won't do what Jayne needs to do?

Yes, lucky guess! I'm divorced and, much happier now!

[Erin Lafleur]

Jayne,
I wish the best for you and your family through this difficult time. I can certainly see how your wife could be overwhelmed by all that is happening in your lives.
Often when there is adversity that we cannot control in our lives, we seek to recapture that control through the things that we feel we can change. Your dressing may just be more than she can cope with at the moment.
It may not be more than that. It may just take time.
It may be wise to show her the understanding that you may one day require...
Erin

[Alice Torn]

Jayne, I have never been married, but six years ago, I had to give up my business, other job, friends and life near Seattle, to return to northern Illinois, to help my father, He was 89 and healthy then, but after my mom died with Alzheimers, he fell, and nearly died, and i had to care for him.He has dimentia bad now, he was in a nursing home several months , but got healthier, and decided to move back home. My sister, who is handicapped herself, and my brother who was let out of prison, and i, with bipolar, and other disorders, have all been taking care of him, all of us are seniors, and he is 95! I understand about your life being taken over by an elderly parent.

[carolyn todd]

Jayne
This is not the end for we know you will return, for dressing is a type of drug a NEED to dress, ok you may not dress for a month or more,
but don't be a stranger pop in sometime and say hello and how are things going?.

Carolyn xx

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jayne , I sure hope that this story has a happy ending, Just remember that we are all here for you.

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Hi Jayne , I sure hope that this story has a happy ending, Just remember that we are all here for you.

[Diversity]

Sorry to hear, Jayne.
Your wife is going through some tough times as well. Please keep talking and be understanding. She sounds like she may have lashed out due to emotions she is feeling and may be overwhelmed with it all.
I hope through patience, listening, and communication, you both can work through these troubled times, and enjoy the retirement you both have worked for.
Good luck!
Di

[Tonya Rose]

hey Jayne, Sounds to me like your wife just needs you to man up right now and be there for her/with her. She has been ok with you and your dressing for years.. And will be again! But right now she is overwhelmed. and needs her other Hero YOU as she is loosing the original one in her life.. Her world is falling apart and its up to you to hold her up. Put the heels in the attic and get the superman outfit out asap... your heels will still be there later . when this passes...... Hugs Sister. See ya back here one day! Till then be strong for your family...

[Dinky39]

As a gg Jayne,no offence but your wife is going through very tough times and your cding needs to take a back seat. I'm well aware I come through as a bitch sometimes (I don't nor will I sugar coat things) but your wife lost her mother& she faces the enormous task of having to look after her father. She is probably drowning in a sea of grief&worry. Your first instinct is to worry about you&your dressing not your wife. No wonder she got angry. I'd be more upset for your wife. I'm less inclined to drop in here because a lot is one sided. As i have read and know well...crossdressing is a very selfish behaviour. And it is. This is coming from an (eventually) accepting wife. I wish your wife well.

[Jayne]

Hi Dinky
I too wish my wife well.
I am not bitching about my dressing, she is.
I have done as she asked and help as much as I can.
I am supporting my wife, she has been my main priority in this since she lost her mother.
I am finding the strain of babysitting an 80 year old hard to take, I took retirement to spend time with my wife and enjoy our freedom, not to become tied to the house waiting for her father to call very day.

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Thank you to all the people sending good wishes.
I really appreciate the support.

Thank you