Depression and isolation in light of recent events

[PaulaQ]

(Please don't talk in detail about anti-trans legislation, this isn't the forum for it, and details of it aren't really on topic in this thread.)

I just had a person leave my support group because they felt that as a non-hormone, non-op, non-fulltime, trans person, maybe even as "just a CD", that THEY are part of the reason some of these current tactics are being employed against all trans people. They felt guilty that they could avoid sanction by a mere change of clothing. Although laws haven't been passed here, we are all expecting a big fight over this next year. They felt responsible, they felt awful, and they seem to be abandoning their gender expression and involvement in the community. Prior to this, they were extremely active and appeared in public with great frequency.

I just want to tell all of you who might feel the same way, and for whom the characterization some of these VILE people put out about "men in a dress" might hit really close to home, that this isn't your fault. It isn't. Sure, you aren't fulltime. Maybe you never ever ever intend to take a single hormone. It's still not your fault, and your right to gender expression, and your unique gender identity are no less valid than mine. You have a right to present as you do, en femme, in public. You have a right to be safe using public restrooms, and for many, that means using the women's restroom while en femme. You are not now, nor have you ever been, the awful things they call us. (And neither am I!)

For what it's worth, neither I, nor many others of us in the trans activist community, will ignore your rights in favor of our own. We will fight, and we are not going to settle for some "compromise" that only helps those of us who are in an intensely medical type of transition. At least I'm not settling for that. And I can tell you, I will call onto the carpet with the most venomous words I have, any trans person who tries to police your identities. Because in my opinion, we are all in this together. Nobody gets left behind.

I'd encourage people here who are troubled now, or who may become troubled in the coming months as these events unfold, to seek counseling and support, even if it has to be done in secret. Having you closeted, isolate, terrified, and alone is what they want.

My question, for people on the forum, is how do you feel about the current spate of anti-trans (and anti-LGBT) action happening in various places around the US now? Have recent events started to affect your feelings about your dressing, or about going out in public, or maybe even made coming out seem like maybe not such a good idea at the moment? Again, please don't comment on the specifics in any place - this is about how you are feeling about the effects, whatever they may be, current events are having on you as a CD, TS, or other gender expansive person, and how you feel about them.

[grace7777]

I do not feel good about the anti trans legislation that has been passed and is being proposed in the United States. Now these events have not effected me in my life, and I am still living my life as a woman as much as I can. One reason my life has not been affected is I am living in California where trans people are protected by law, so I do not have as many worries as I might have in other places. I view myself as being TG/TS.

[Aligirl]

I definitely haven't been feeling good about it. But I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing. I will say this though, it has definitely shown me who is safe and who isn't to come out to. Which was more people than I thought... I've blocked so many pages on Facebook for their anti trans pictures and comments. Even reported a few that were really bad...

[Sandra]

Please do not start discussing any kind of politics in relation to the OPs post, anyone who does will have their posts deleted.

[Robin414]

Wow, great post Paula! Honestly, all the talk about anti LGBT stuff makes me want more and more to go out wearing a dress (ok, so I don't wear dresses...skinny jeans, nice top, and a bra) and give a boost to a stranded motorist or shovel a senior citizens side walk or mow their lawn.

I'm in the mind set that we need to demonstrate to the masses that we're actually really the wonderful people that we are!

[JayeLefaye]

It hurts, Paula, it just hurts....

Good news came in yesterday though, from Virginia:-)

There's still hope in this marathon we're running!

Jaye

[mykell]

hi paula,
just to start if you havnt seen this,
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...olina-LGBT-law

so yes it does have an effect on me and i have been following it closely, i wrote of it in a few threads now, the lawmakers pushing these type laws and folks who write some fairly vile responses to some of the online articles highlighting these events to be honest have me second guessing where i go.

im so sorry that this person somehow felt at blame for the current events and i hope that you may coerce them back into attendance.

i have an open thread about my trip to support monday "the 400lb pink elephant in the room" its a family & friends group so i went as far as to ask what some of the ladies attending felt, overall supportive but its a ally group...lots in attendance this particular night especially considering how nice the weather was and it ran way overtime, first thing i did when i left was go to the washroom to relieve myself, i used the one the had a person wearing a dress on it.

what i dislike the most is how they use this to further polarize us and vilify us, they use the pretense of making theyre family members feel safer while at the same time not realizing that we also have friends and family that they make uncomfortable for being associated to us.
these laws are never going to stop predators, they will do what they feel is right to do what they do but to instill fear on the population that we are the reason they will have access is worrisome.

in my group the last thing that a trans person wants to do is undress in front of a group of theyre peers in a lockeroom as theyre body does not conform to what they feel is right.

streakers, flashers, and molesters exist and are dealt with when they are caught but it is pure insanity that by posting bathroom regulations will keep these folk and offenses a bay.

so yes it hurts and i feel they will continue to pust it.

[Allisa]

Depressed? no, saddened yes. Isolated? no, I will never go back into hiding no matter what. I can remember many years ago when I first went out dressed I could have been arrested just for being in the clothes of the opposite gender(known as sex back then). I feel that now more than ever I must be seen so that the message of CD/TG people will not be legislated into oblivion. You know all that male training we had as children? must now be used as obstinacy for our cause of acceptance. Have to stop now, my anger is rising, I rage against the light of injustice.

[Tommie.]

I agree this is all disturbing... I am hopeful it is somehow tied to the election year and will disappear in 2017... wishful thinking at best.

[I Am Paula]

Tommie- Don't count on it. The last batch of bigotry lasted from 1776 to present. More than a few elections.

[JanePeterson]

Discussed in another thread on the TS forum, but I have had some serious anxiety about going out in my area... Specifically with regards to my safety in the restroom. I already have lots of good reasons to stay home, but the climate here is one of anger and it's scary.

[Amy Fakley]

Yeah, I relate to where the person from your support group is coming from, because I too am beginning to take tentative steps to get out in the real world as my real self.

It's hard enough to put the idea of "pitchforks and torches" put of your mind when you step out the door. Now I'm wondering if putting that fear out of my mind is actually a rational thing to do. Just abut every elected official within a 200 mile radius of me is painting a target on my back.

A literal target on my back, because while there is occasional nuance in the discussion regarding transitioned TS people, there is almost always the universal condemnation of crossdressers. And they won't shut up about it ... my Facebook feed is full of hateful memes, every tv I walk past is blasting fox news ... and there's a good chance they're busy throwing me under the bus. Me and my kind are apparently public enemy number 1 this election year.

Can I just dress down, try to blend, and mind my own business at the mall, or have the talking heads created a swarm of paranoid, fearful folks on high alert for people like me? And how is that going to go down when they finally find one (me)?

Yeah. It's depressing, and it hurts.

It's hard to discuss this situation, without discussing the politics that have given rise to it. But I have tried.

[Kimberly2112]

I'm cautiously optimistic that the backlash is a sign that the haters are losing the war, they know it, and they're getting desperate. It's certainly going to last longer than one election season, although the usual election hype isn't helping. It seems that younger generations are more accepting, most of the haters will eventually die off and in twenty years or so we may wonder what all the fuss was about. Too bad I might not be around to enjoy it.

[barbara gordon]

I think there are a lot of points to respond to in the original post .

I am a CrossDresser . I consider myself to be mix-gendered and trans-gendered.
I love to present and live as a woman AND to present and live as a man . its only in recent recent years that i have begun to feel more confident in my self acceptance and lifestyle . Partly because I think so many others feel more comfortable with more diversity .
I think that despite the recent hateful new laws and moods around the country , we do in fact live in the most liberal times for acceptance of LGBT people. T people especially - we are having our time to be recognized. How can we expect it to be easy ?



I Have mixed feelings about recent anti LGBT actions , rulings ,and moods .
yes it is disturbing , but there is great hope because the conversation about all of this is loud and up front with so many more "ordinary" people in our country than at any time in the past . . The idea of any of us being silenced- is over . I think that there will continue to be backlash against the backlash ... Unfair rules will be overturned.


as JayeLefaye points out , a critical action in our favor happened just this week .

It hurts, Paula, it just hurts....

Good news came in yesterday though, from Virginia:-)

There's still hope in this marathon we're running!

Jaye

.....the good news is that a federal appeals court got involved and voted favorably for trans gendered students to be inluded in the protection of federal article IX. This means that its ok to use the bathroom :0) for now , but also it will mean much more as a legal first.

[Tracii G]

With all that is going on right now I feel targeted too to some extent.
This is such a hot topic it has brought out the haters in droves and making our lives more in danger.
I'm a hard head so its not going to change the way I do things or present in public.
By getting out there and showing we belong in this world too is what I'm going to do.
They just want to install fear in us and I'm not going to play their game.

[JayeLefaye]

...".....the good news is that a federal appeals court got involved and voted favorably for trans gendered students to be inluded in the protection of federal article IX. This means that its ok to use the bathroom :0) for now , but also it will mean much more as a legal first."

This is the same court that the NC appeals will be heard in. As a resident of Raleigh, yes!!!!

Jaye

[Rachael Leigh]

Paula being somewhat a conservative person in general all of this has been difficult for me to look at but when it comes right down to it because of my own understanding of being out I feel its just been such a silly argument to think that those of us that just crossdress can be labeled as predators Ive said many times there probably isnt one among us who would not protect a child from anyone wanting to do harm to them.
As for me to stop going out just because I,m labeled as different, no I wont I feel it would put to many back into a closet that just hurts to be in.
Yes I have sympathy to some of the arguments on a man being in a womens room but mostly those who have ventured out and had to use the restroom we all just want to be left alone do our business and get out, is it a right Im not sure but is it safer for those who are presenting as a women yes I feel it is indeed. Protect the children at all cost but we also should have that right.

[Teresa]

Paula, I can't comment directly because it doesn't affect me in the UK but I will still follow it with interest, very often what happens in the US often catches on here . I would be saddened, when I've spent so long in solitary confinement going back to that would be hard.

Pauls thanks for taking on the battle it has to be won, the clock shouldn't be allowed to travel backwards !

[Billiejosehine]

Great post and well said Paula. I came out and started my journey/transition back in late 2013. And since then I have become highly active in the LGBTQ community. I currently work as a community services director for an LGBTQ resource center and sit on the bord for an aids coalition in my area. And while I am somewhat fortunate to live in the SF/Bay Area. I still have had my fair share of personal experiences and seen things happen to those I know. The things I have experienved and seen have made me question myself at times, to the point of giving up (taking my own life); as it would be eaiser to do. But then my community will lose a voice willing to have a target on their back and speak up for those that can't. Especially our youth, who are the most vulenerable. It's hard and...really...frustrating to believe and see the ignorance amoung those that don't understand anything about the trans community. How they would rather create laws and policies allowing legal discrimination on the premise of religious freedom. They spend more time spreading hate then taking the time to understand something truly amazing about our human experience/existance. So, it's no wonder some want to give up, stay in hiding, not speak up, or leave the trans community behind once they transition. And why the mortality rate is so high. Our journey/walk of life, no matter where you are in the trans/gender non conforming spectrum; is not an easy one. We face so much everyday. Even though we make up such a small percentage of the population. There's still so much to be done.

[Rhonda Jean]

Legislation aside, there's just a lot more trans awareness than ever before. People seem to have taken a side. Until a few years ago, I was probably the only trans person that most all of the people I encountered had ever seen. I think that a lot of them made a judgement about trans people in general based on how I impressed them at that moment. Now, everybody I encounter has a predisposed opinion. I probably don't notice those who've become more comfortable than they were before. I notice those who've been pushed further toward the negative. I do feel it, even though I'd be hard pressed to cite any particular incident. It's a vibe thing.

I so rarely use public restrooms that the restroom thing is not specifically a big problem for me. I'm not as comfortable using the ladies room as I used to be, though. Part of that is my increased paranoia in general, and the unpleasant fact that I don't pass as well as I used to. I do feel that going out is generally more dangerous than it used to be. Just a feeling, though. Also, for everybody who thinks that being gay is no issue anymore... think again! In fairness, I don't know what it was like to be gay prior to even a few years ago. I'm certain it was hell, though. Like it or not, to the masses trans and gay are almost synonymous.

As far as having legal protection... I'll grant that it's better than not having legal protection, but passing a law doesn't change anybody's prejudices. Anybody who hates us prior to legislative (or workplace) protection hates us just as much (or more) afterward.

[Tina_gm]

I am not a public dresser for several reasons, and now I have yet another... It is all my choice, I am not one who says "I can't" about any feminine expression. I would like to say that generally I feel embarrassed that the good ol US of A is this far behind most of the rest of the world.... And that we seem to care more about who is in a bathroom than about so much else that is really of much greater importance. And, it is not some society problem, like drug addiction, or suicide from bullying etc etc. Before the bathroom nonsense, there was never any talk from either men or women about the horrible trans people in a bathroom. Yet, we have been in public for quite a while now.

I feel a sense of the powers that be basically making it all the more difficult, perhaps embarrassing for us to be in public, by shaming us. Stay inside in your home, stay in your little closet. They will kick you out of the women's room, and make you soo uncomfortable in the men's room, or worse.

Of course there are those who know absolutely nothing about how TG people are.... and for that matter sexual predators. Who disguise themselves as anyone else, with as little attention drawn to them, because that is how to best fool someone into whatever it is you want from them, or to do to them. The ridiculous fears of now all these predator men are simply going to say they are TG (without even dressing up) or will dress up and go into the women's restrooms.... which either way puts a big old bulls eye on their head.


I found this https://youtu.be/CHt7EBCgJnI

And this shows how ridiculous it all is. Transgender approved?? by who? seriously? conversation is beyond awkward, forced.... And the answers.... like one where HE said, I have been transgender for a couple of days now.... REALLY?? !!!!! And of course, mostly negative reactions.

Now, what should be noted here is not how ridiculous this video is, obviously intended to get the responses that were mostly got. It is the many comments below. And why we need to still be very mindful about what's going on out there. Still a whole lot of negativity about trans anything, and this new batch of law is intended to shame those who are transgender, and it is also IMO, to stoke those negative embers up into a full fledged firestorm.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It's a setback, but to paraphrase Kimberley, it is a downward blip on an otherwise steadily upward trajectory.

Please don't despair, and please don't take stupid chances with your safety either.

[Alice Torn]

At least, in America, there is open talk, and reasoning, on both sides somewhat. In many countries, we would be in bigger trouble than here. I have not used a multi stall womens room yet. I use single use locking bathrooms, or unisex.It is sad, to see so much fighting all the time, though.

[phylis anne]

@alice torn,
yes indeed you are right in some countries you could be imprisioned for it or worse and no body would helpp you ,due to being persecuted by the fact you know these people.
hugs phylis anne

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Here is a thought ,
seems on this site we have seaprated everything except the politics ,instead of putting posts in the general c/d section why could'nt the moderators create a new page for this type of content for those that really do feel the need to discuss this type of issue ? Now I know politics in general can get to be a real heated item ,but I think people could make it work using the existing page rules modified as needed to define the subject rules
hugs phylis anne

[OCCarly]

I felt the same way until yesterday. Yesterday evening I went for gender therapy orientation at Kaiser, and I ended up being the oldest person in a room full of millennial transkids, all 18-25 years old, several of whom were already on hormones, all of whom were presenting fully in their preferred gender, and none of whom had any insecurities about it. Wow, what an experience. And after it was over they just walked out the door and went about their business. No covert changing in the car, no nothing. Just being themselves. Wow.

So afterward, wife took me shopping at Burlington Coat Factory. I walked in there dressed as I was for the meeting, in Aeropostale jeggings and women's t shirt, carrying my Coach messenger bag, wearing Fila espadrilles on my feet. No wig or makeup, and guy glasses. No one batted an eye. No one noticed. The world did not end. But a wonderful young sales assistant approached me while I was looking at skinny jeans in the junior miss section (while my wife was in the changing room) and smiled and asked me if I needed any help.

Forget about the haters. They are a loud, rude, vocal, fearmongering minority, and they are losing, and they know they are. Yes, while shopping in drab, I've gotten a couple of looks from some older women. But based on what the young folks are doing, I have a lot of hope for the future.