Frustrating conversation with my gay friend.

[Alice Torn]

I have known him 35 years. I alway suspected he was gay, as he had no attraction to GGs. I have told him about my dressing the last few years, as he came out to me as gay. He seems to think dressing as a woman, makes no sense, and is not a good thing, especially going out in public dressed. He asked what caused it. I told him i don't really know all the reason why. i asked him if he ever was attracted to a woman, and he shook his head "no". But, he does not think i should be wearing women's clothes. He lives in Seattle, where i used to live. He was in Chicago for a few days, and i met him there. It is a little frustrating .

[Judy-Somthing]

Wow I would think that most gay people would be more accepting to other peoples desires.

[Pat]

It's actually pretty common. Gay people are people. A cis-gendered gay person is just as mystified by transgendered people as anyone else. Gay people are more apt to be tolerant, but no more likely to be understanding.

[nvlady]

He asked you what caused you to be a CD.
Did you ask him what caused him to be gay?

[Alice Torn]

Nvlady, I did ask him, and he said he thinks a tramatic experience when very very young may have caused it, along with being born premature, and with a little cerebral palsy. I know that i first experimented with sister and mom's thing about age 13, but had abnormal desires than usual much earlier.

[Linda-x]

Welcome to a little LBG..T reality. I brought up the issue of being trans to a gay friend of mine, and his reponse was " I just don't get it". I've been going out for many years now, and some easier going gay guy's are pretty cool, but the harder edged one's, not so much. Try going to a lesbian bar sometime if you want some attitude!....LOL . Not always bad, but straight places have usually given me a better experience.

[tifftg]

Most gay men like men, we are a confusing oddity I guess.

[CarlaWestin]

Oh my! All of you are right on the money.

[Alice Torn]

He has been, and always will be a good friend, is abstinent sexually, now, in his 60's.

[mechamoose]

It has been occurring to the LGB community that the T thing has been kind of a forced situation, because it didn't fit anywhere else.

My local LGB groups are finally seeing that us T folks need our own support network. While it is nice to have their support, we certainly don't have their understanding.

NPR has recently had pieces on this issue. It is starting to get traction while mixed in with 'bathroom bills'.

Side note: These bathroom cops seem to focus on 'grown men in the bathroom with young girls'. Not an OUNCE of concern is spent on the femme dressed XY stepping into a male bathroom. I think we have plenty of examples of how that goes from our prison population :/

Being femme throws off all kinds of signals about breeding, regardless of capability. I have had gay friends be 'just guys' when in boy mode swap to 'HOT DAMN' in girl mode. I may be a truck, but some of us are cute and slinky and would be as much at risk as if an XX wandered in to a boys locker room.

'The Crying Game', anyone?

Kitty / Moose

[PattyT]

Lots of good comments here. I would have thought that a member ofnteh gay community, an outsider coomunity would be more accepting of a CD. It does show that the intolerance of the muggle community toward us is not just limited to them. Close mindedness is pretty common.
I am cannot understand the concept of being gay. It is totally alien to me. However, I do accept that some people are oriented this way and must be accepeted as such. There are CDs on this forum who are gay and belong here and should be as welcomed as much as a straight person.
I can see why Alice Torn is so frustrated.

[StefaniLara]

I've had two very liberal friends confide in me that the don't understand transgender people. They think it's weird, and one of them is openly bisexual. Understanding doesn't come in the form of sexual preferences, political spectrum (though the left seems to be more tolerant than the evangelical right), or anything else. We all have our own innate bigotry and prejudices, born out of what we have been taught, and what we have experienced. It's sad some members of a group that is pressing for acceptance is are themselves judging those who them deem less than them.

[I Am Paula]

You will find accepting men in the gay community, and totally non-accepting ones, just like anywhere else. Often a gay man will accept, but not understand, or frankly, care, about why. You are the exact opposite of his love interests. It is often assumed the all the letters in LBGT are naturally allies. We're just people, and find kinship when and where we please.

[Stephanie47]

I had a discussion with my wife recently concerning feelings of love. I told her I really do not know why men and women are homosexual. Or better, what may have caused this. I said I know the feelings of love that I have for her (my wife), my son and daughter and granddaughter are all different feelings. However, all equate to some sort of high affection for them. Although I cannot understand the affection a man can show for another man at the same level as a man and a woman, that does not mean it is not an expression of a high level of affection.

It really does not surprise me that your friend is judgmental or lacks understanding. People who do not understand something seem to reject it.

I have no idea why I am drawn to wearing women's clothing. I cannot explain it to others. I'm sure your friend cannot explain why he is drawn to loving other men rather than women.

[Kurtmath]

None of my gay male friends understand my interest in cross dressers. None of them.

[amy1989]

When I was about 17 or 18 I told my best friend about being a CD. It was part for me to open up to someone and part in the hope it would give him the confidence to come out as I knew he was gay. He gave me a look like I was some sort of alien and said that's weird. We didn't speak about it for 2 months until he asked if i still did that weird dressing thing. I said no I don't. 6 years later he came out as gay on his own and last year he brought up my CD'ing again but this time to say he doesn't get it bit if I'm happy that's cool. We've talked about it since and he doesn't judge.

I also know some gay men who's reaction would be terrible. There's so much more to us than just gay/straight or CD/Non-CD that you can't assume someone will react a certain way because of one thing in their life.

Alice, I hope things go well with your friend, and the frustration passes.

[Cheryl T]

Maybe you should have asked him why so many Gay men like to do Drag???

[Jenniferathome]

Come on, be objective, cross dressing makes no sense. It's hard for anyone to get their heads around it. You need to explain with analogies and patience.

[Tina_gm]

I find it kinda funny how there are many threads about why oh why do people think just because we wear women's clothing, and often times are more feminine than the average guy that we are GAY.... And then of course, where do WE often find the places to meet each other, in a GAY bar, where are there typically drag shows... , or some form of LGBT friendly establishment, typically in a friendly LGBT section of a city. And then WE are left scratching our heads as to why THEY don't understand us anymore than anyone else, and some have little tolerance for us either. No one really understands what they are not. I don't get rednecks at all. They certainly don't get us either, and typically are ready to assault us given an opportunity to do so.

I will be honest. I know a couple of very effeminate gay men. I wonder, why the heck do they want to be guys?? They act more like girls than guys. Their interests are more like girls than guys. they like guys, and by being a woman, the amount of guys who they would be able to meet would go up substantially. It would just seem like a win win win. But yet, they have no interest in being a woman, are glad they are not one. They do not feel any compulsion to wear women's clothing. And of course, they don't understand us, especially if we are not gay. Why put yourself through all of that, and have next to no women who will be attracted to you, or want anything to do with you. and you don't even want to actually change to be a woman??? does that make any sense? Why would they understand us, we really don't understand ourselves.

I have seen that gay people can be as judgmental as straight people. Overall, there probably is a bit more acceptance. They don't harass TG people in their establishments very much, usually make them feel welcome. They oftentimes do put on drag shows.... But do they really get us? not anymore than anyone else, and I am sure there are many who really don't care much for us as well.

[jenniferinsf]

alice

it is something that i have come to believe....some gay people do not like/understand/accept us...but for the life of me i can not understand it.

[Alice Torn]

Gendermutt, has it right. How can i explain my dressing to someone gay, or otherwise, when i cannot really understand or explain it to myself? Unless the person has an hour to just listen? I know part of it is being a virgin bachelor all my life, starved for female beauty, no mate. becoming my own lovely lady part time.

[Ozark]

My wife and I have several lesbian friends. I would have thought they would be accepting .... boy, was I wrong. The two teachers thought a man dressing woman's clothes was unnatural. My wife asked how can you say that, don't you realize people say that about you.

The two medical people were much more accepting, leading to a discussion how one of them likes to wear Hanes boxer briefs (ugh!). They know I sell lingerie on ebay and almost everytime we get together they ask how's business.

[lingerieLiz]

By the way rednecks are CDs too. You would be surprised. I've lived around rednecks and they didn't get me, but were friendly anyway. Went fishing with a couple wearing women's jeans and top. They asked if I wanted to and I said let me go change and they said why? Your fine.

[Tracii G]

GM the redneck comment is kind of uncalled for because I know plenty of them and they tend to accept me being gay and a CDer.
Their comments are more positive than most liberal people I know.
Back on point I have a few gay friends that just don't get me at all and think I'm a bit out there because I am TG.
One said if you like guys why dress as a woman? I explain my reasons for dressing is not to attract men and they can't seem to grasp the TG idea or CDing for that matter.
I have one friend that you would think is gay by the way he acts and he does drag every weekend and damn good at it but is a hetro male.

[Georgette_USA]

By the way rednecks are CDs too.

They are also MtF TS also. I always called my partner my sweet redneck, and her CB handle was Big Red.