coming out to your SO

[Taylor186]

I crossdressed fully or almost fully in front of my wife at least a dozen times in our seven year courtship, starting at age 42 for me and 40 for her, and yet she didn't realize I was a crossdresser until we had a discussion about one year after we were married. She has big city Ivy League Bachelors and Masters degrees and lived in NYC for over a year after graduating. I only add this to emphasize that she was not small-town naive. We have successfully worked through her concerns, as far a I know, and have boundaries and limits that work for both of us. I don't have to hide anything and yet I don't flaunt it either.

I was able to retire in my early 50s and from that point on I was much less concerned about who knew although I still consider myself in the closet to close friends and family. I don't bring it up and neither do they.

[Tina_gm]

I was 48. Had been married to my wife for 6 months when I told her. 3 years after we had gotten together, although we had known each other for nearly 20 years before, casual friends from a former job. It was shortly before I told her, I came to decide to stop fighting the urges. Fighting not to be a CDer. It had been a war I waged with myself since a teenager. I remember the moment when I said to myself, enough, I can't take it anymore. It was still a few months before I spilled it. The night I told her sort of just happened. I had been leaving a few hints here and there.... I thought anyway. She still seemed very surprised about it all. Initially it was very rough. A lot of anger, and a couple of times some name calling that the filters will not allow. It is still rough at times, not as rough. We have settled into mostly a IDWTSI type of deal, with some discussion here and there. Lately, and I am hoping I am wrong, but I feel a sense of backtracking from her acceptance wise. A lot of news of bathrooms, caitlyn jenner... None of it seems to sit well with her, and I am feeling a sense she seems more uncomfortable about it as of late, although there has been no changes to what we have worked on as agreements of me not dressing around her. It could be me, IDK, I hope I am wrong. I feel a big discussion coming on at some point.

[Secret Sis]

I came out to my wife just last year at age 54, married for 16 years. She was quite surprised but was understanding and has become more accepting as time has gone on and our relationship has been as strong as ever. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world!

[ringo]

I came out when i was 19 and we were together for a few months

[jeanieinabottle]

I'm into the second half of my 60's and came out to my wife 6 years ago after 40 years of marriage. I know I had tendencies since I was 3-4 but for some reason when I met my wife, dating and married I had no desire to let the female side out. Only after a couple years of marriage did that urge return. While we hear all the difficulties of coming out to a spouse now, I think that 40 years ago it was much more difficult. Then we were just termed "crazy" and with few places to turn for help or support. Nobody talked about this then other than in whispers behind your back. Then, because of the times, you hold it in, keep it a secret until it almost breaks you apart from the inside and can no longer live within a secret. That was my story. Today, both my wife and I are happy with who I am and we've both grown. Now I'm just the crazy old guy.
Dr. J

[Liz57]

I have written this twice on my phone at work and I messed up once and the second time it timed out on the forum and lost everything!!!

I am 62 and have been married for 37 years. I've been in the closet for around 40. After joining this forum it became obvious to me that I wasn't as weird as I thought and cding wasn't as unusual as I had thought.

Some here would say that I came out to my wife just so I could buy a corset. That's true in a sense. Since joining the forum I realized that I needed more than to just wear my wifes old dresses and panties. I wanted my own dresses, shoes that actually fit, a wig and yes, a corset. I decided it was time to come out to my wife especially since I was pretty certain she already knew and just hadn't said anything. I took the advice here about how to go about it and told her about 5 weeks ago. I was almost as surprised to find that she hadn't suspected since I had accidentally been shirtless around her once with bra marks as she was to find her husband of 37 years wears womens clothes.

It's working out ok, we're slowly making progress. She's not ready to see me dressed in women's clothes yet but she accepts it since it makes me happy. Little by little I'm exposing her to my habit. I've left my panties on my bed with other clothes after washing them. I asked awhile back if it would bother her if she could see that I was wearing a bra, no. How about bra marks, ok. What if I was wearing stockings and/or womens shoes at home while wearing mens shirt and pants? Ok too. We went to Hamburger Marys Friday night for one of the shows. That was just to give her more exposure while hopefully having a good time. It worked out ok.

One of the biggest benefits from coming out is now I don't have to hide my dresses, panties, bras, etc. in a garbage bag in the back of my closest. I am literally out of the closet. Maybe not totally because the dresses, skirts and blouses now hang on hangers in my closet. Panties and bras now in my dresser. Such a small thing but having the freedom to keep my lady clothes out in the open is just so cool. No more worry about did I accidentally leave something out. I can order clothes and have them shipped to our house and don't have to worry about prying questions. She probably won't want to see what I've bought at this point but if she does I'll be happy to show her.

I guess the next big step is when we both get the nerve for me to dress for her. I really hope that it gets to that point eventually where I can relax around the house with her home. I really look forward to being able to shop with her help. We've been in shopping situations recently and I don't know if she just can't tell I want to check out clothes and shoes or she can and just isn't ready for that yet. As I say, it's a work in progress. It's still in the early stages but I have a good feeling about this.

Liz

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sara ,Came out to my wonderfulwife of over 52yrs just after we got Married.

It has gone both ways over the years, At this point it's a tolerated DA/DT,
She knows about everything but just don't want to see me while I'm dressed......

[karynspanties]

My wife and I dated in High School, married at 18. We are now 52. She knew while we were dating. I actually was passable until my mid thirties. We used to go out a lot with me dressed. She used to style my long hair and do my make-up. We had a blast.

[Mindy Fey]

I came out to my wife after a year of being married and living together. I felt guilty hiding it from her and one day decided to fully dress up and show her. She laughed but was also a little upset. I had to explain to her that it didn't make me gay or any less attracted to her. She came around quickly and even initiated sex while i was dressed. Im lucky to have a wife that is pretty open minded about it. For us, it has always had a sexual component to it such as us getting dressed up and reading lesbian erotica together.

[Dana44]

I told my SO before we got together. However when I showed her my stuff, she was amazed and said that it had not registered with her. But now it does. We communicated a lot and it was bit of a rough start. But now she is accepting and it is nice. The best girl I have ever had and our relationship is close.

[Jennie2]

Hi Sara
I was 59 and we had been married for 30 years, and we are still married. Coming out is never easy and everyone will have a different experience, I was forced into it when I left out a nightie and couldn't lie any more.

Jennie

[chris80]

My wife found out when I was 35 and we had been married for 12 years. I was very scared that divorce was coming. I had dropped a few hints previously but they were taken as jokes at the time. She said that explains a lot and I'll help. It was better than my having an affair(unlikely). So we eventually found my style in wigs and have done a lot of shopping together. I rarely go out dressed at home but we go off to TV weekends and are much braver going out and about. Shopping for clothes is much better in female guise. I dress at home frequently, especially when I worked and came in stressed my wife would tell me to go and change into a dress. We have no kids but have now been married 48 years. My wife has been ill since 1980 and she feels crossdressing has possibly helped to keep our marriage together. If there is little else to talk about then discussions about fashions keep our thoughts together. We cannot share clothes as we are three sizes apart but jewellery is shared. I got my ears pierced as soon as I retired ten years ago, clips were painful after long wearing. I feel very fortunate.

[almalove]

Is was 43 and we were together 20 years. I think it wss equal parts can't hide anymore, don't care who knows anymore, and don't want to lie anymore.

For me, it's not about what others will say or think, but about what I choose, I've been married for 20 years now and I'm choose to not come out, ever, if I can help it, my personal feeling and likes I will keep with me, I just choose to value my marriage and life as my male self more than my other self, even though it's there always and it's not going away any time soon, I just choose that, but that's just me, best wishes on your choose, OXOXOX

[Jenny Doolittle]

What a great post for several reasons....

One, It really shows that most of us here are very committed in our relationships, many of us being married for so long and truly in love with our wives. I have been married 42 wonderful years, but never told her till at least 20 years into our marriage.

Two, I think with those of us over the age of 50, and being without the internet to know there are far more people like ourselves out there, we thought or hoped this little quirk we had as a young boy would disappear after being married. As we all discovered, it doesn't.

I think with the internet and all the information in the public forum now, perhaps the negative view of who a transgender or CDing person is will be seen with more informed understanding. I hope younger people will not be so inclined to hide who they are inside and any shame of that person will dissipate, because you are still a good person within.

[Tina_gm]

This is my second marriage. My 1st never was told and still does not know. I was with my second wife a total of 3 and a half years before I told her, about 6 months into the marriage. That was also about 3 and a half years ago now. I am now 51. 48 when I told her. She has asked me why me, why now? And I have pondered this a bit. I still am not certain of the exact reason(s). It could definitely be a combo. Perhaps we have so much energy to fight ourselves, and at some point, that energy to deny and repress this just runs out. I have also thought that perhaps because my wife made me feel more secure as a man than I had ever felt before, that may be something to do with it. Another thought too, as I have found a deeper love for her than I had ever had with any other woman, that my feminine aspects of myself wanted to be a part of that love too. So, I really cannot say for certain why now. but I do have theories and think it is possible for more than one reason. Self acceptance also likely plays a part, as I had recently began to accept myself. When I 1st started dating my 2nd wife, I was still in deep repression and denial, but not sure what brought me to acceptance.

[sara66]

I agree with Jenny, Those of us that are over say 40-45ish (pre-internet) lived most of our lives thing we are freaks. Now we understand there are more of us out there, fitting into all parts of the spectrum.

Sara

[nikkiwindsor]

I shared my feminine nature with my wife before we were married and we've been happily married for 27 years. It hasn't always been easy but we're closer now than ever before.

[Raychel]

I was 45 years old and we had been married 12 years at the time.
That was 11 years ago. So it looks like we made it thru that stumbling block.

[mcQuestGend]

For me it was just a couple of years ago after I wrote my first book. I was 43. Since it was somewhat of a life story about how I was introduced to the lifestyle, I didn't want her shocked if and when she read it. So after 13 years of marriage, I told her and told her what I was doing. As supportive as she tried to be, she is uncomfortable talking about it.

[Anita Cosmolover]

I'm early 50's and came out to my wife almost 3 years ago. She discovered one of my Cosmo magazines - left outside on a table. I then confessed that I wear lingerie. She was OK with the Cosmo's, but unhappy about the lingerie wearing. I've tried to get her to read up on this, but no joy so far. This is a slow work in progress. She can just tolerate my lingerie wearing so long as it's not in front of her.

[Beverley Sims]

My situation was known before I was married.

Sometimes I wonder if it will be fully tolerated ever.