Why do so many wives feel deceived when they find out you CD?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Is it because they feel they've caught you with another woman?

Is it because they feel they must not be womanly enough to satisfy you?

Why do they feel undermined?

Perhaps the answers seem obvious, but given that some wives are totally accepting, even excited by the idea, how come others are the opposite?

[Sandyhappygirl]

If we assume the crossdressing has been going on behind her back then surely it is the deception and lack of honesty more than anything (I could not do that and only started this journey with her so we can go on it together). Then there is the usual stereotypical reaction of 'oh my husband wants to wear women's clothes so he must be bi or gay'. That is societies programming that takes time to see through.

[pamela7]

okay, does a wife feel deceived if her husband: a) masturbates, b) drinks in secret, c) watches porn?

Would you feel deceived if she a) uses something without your participation, b) dressed as a man in secret?

I think the point is self-evident - revealing a secret later rather than sooner can feel like a deception, because it probably has been.

[Mollyanne]

I have heard all the "excuses, reason and metaphors" and have been in this situation myself so I can empathize. I myself didn't tell my wife until I was "forced" into totally revealing "my hidden self". All this REALLY comes down to the basic truth---------HOW COMFORTABLE ARE YOU and WHAT WILL THE REVELATION DO TO YOUR MARRIAGE???? these questions can only be answered by the individual.

Molly

[Karine]

I will assume that it's depend on each woman but trust must definitely the main issue. In couple relationships, women expect men to totally open up (maybe more than men).
Secondly, I will say the "fear" that her husband must be gay or want to transition.
And maybe there can be sometimes an issue of self-confidence (Am I not "feminine" enough ?)
Then may comes others : weirdness, judgement that crossdressing is bad (society, religion,...) and look of others (family, friends, neighbours).

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

my answer is a simple one "because you(Me) have been living a lie" for a very long time.
the penalty(for me anyways) is the loss of my wife's trust and a very different relationship
with her

[heatherdress]

The answer is different for everyone. It depends on the relationship and the circumstances. For some, their marriage is "living a lie" in and of itself.

[Shely]

I think my wife was hurt because she thought she wasn't woman enough and that i was trying to create a woman to play with. if fact i guess that is what i am doing is creating a woman to "play with". I must say that i have a great of a time playing. with Shely. She has accepted it to some degree, but we never talk about it. When asked if i could dress in the evenings while at home, she didn't like the idea. She has at times bought me dresses and things though.

[Alyssa Lane]

Sometimes mine has mentioned that Its a replacement for her because she thinks she's not good enough, not a big enough bust( even though the bottom makes up for it)
Mine slightly understands but still asks why I do it under everything when we go out. Its tough, if she gets frustrated she might say about it in a mad voice " why don't you go dress up"
But on the flip side she has asked my opinion on woman like things with makeup shoes and clothes to see if something works together well enough. Even asked if I had some foundation to use, lol

[Mykaa]

Well any guy who says I dont masturbate is as everyone likes to say lieing, right? I got accused of both lieing and cheating, and Yes I do speak from experience here. I also can say any of the other answers here are self evident. Insecurity also becomes an issue when they "as a woman are not enough for you". I also think this takes a strong woman to deal with cross dressing. My ex suffered from depression problems before I met her. I was caught and accused of cheating, I told her the items were mine, she didnt believe till I put the boots on. I dealt with Im ok with this to many questions, are you gay, why do you do this to also I dont want you doing this, I never understood the attitude switching back & forth between Im ok & I want you to be happy to not liking me cding. She was with me about 3 years after she found out, She eventually left for another man, she did go behind my back. also left me at home with the kids when she spent the night with him 1st time, (I knew of at least). So thats just my observations for what they are.

[Jenniferathome]

Ummm, because we DECEIVED them? Is this a trick question?

[Teresa]

Because we deceived them ! Our brains do a good job of deceiving us when we finally realise what Cding is all about, finding out you're born like it takes some getting use to.

As others have said each one of us has a different take on it , basically it scares most women and they're not sure how to deal with it. Some choose to go along with counselling and some don't , mine chose not to so she remains in the dark to what it all means.

[bridget thronton]

I have done a lot of reading here and else where. Keeping secrets seems to be the big concern and loss of status (you are married to one on them) if discovered by her friends or relatives seems seems to be another big one.

[Sandra]

I wasn't deceived so to speak, Nigella told me 6 months after we got married though there had been hints before I just didn't take them in. I felt at first that I wasn't enough of a woman for Nigella, but as time went on and I was re-assured that it wasn't that then I was more comfortable. I am one of the most accepting SO, not many here that are married to a post-op TS.

I can understand though why a lot of SO just can't accept, they feel that their husband didn't trust them to be able to tell them, like me the feel they are not enough of a woman, the husband makes it plain that they are better looking than their wife, there is more and hopefully more GGS will chime in.

[Angie G]

I can't answer that my wife never had an issue with my past dressing and keeping it from her.
Angie

[Jenn A116]

I'm not sure I'm following your premise here but to me its important to let the woman you are married to (preferably before hand) all aspects of who you are. That includes mundane things like being left handed and more significant things. I think CD'ing falls into the latter category. If they don't know up front and only find out later (years?) they start to wonder what else you've been hiding from them.

[Pat]

Because people. Some people react one way and some another. Some see your crossdressing which you've concealed from them as you being a liar, some see it as you being confused, some see it as a new bit of information like finding out that you like jazz.

Of course, sometimes you've primed the pump through unsolicited denials -- that's more of an active deceit and would result in more of an active response.

Like I say -- people. People do odd things (like crossdress) and people react unpredictably. It's the vast panoply of human nature.

[Stephanie47]

This topic has been kicked around so many times on this forum so many times. The #1 response seems to be deceit or lieing by omission. As a male I cannot truly answer for any female, including my wife.

So far I haven't seen more than one response from a wife. I really do not buy into the answer of lieing by omission or deceit. If I was to sneak a smoke out in the barn and gargle before I re-enter the house would this by deceitful? Yes, if I thought or knew my wife objected to my love for smoking a cigarette. But, would my wife divorce me over smoking? For me, the question has always been "What really goes through the wife's mind over the revelation of the husband likes to wear women's clothing." I know there is gradations. I've read on this forum of women blowing up over her man's desire to wear a ladies panty or stockings, while other have hidden an immense wardrobe.

So, what's really on your mind?

In my case I have told my wife the truth as to why I like to wear women's clothing and emulate a woman sometimes. My answer is "I do not know..period!" And, for the male here, I think it is a bunch of bunk to tell your wife you do it because you like the fabric, the prints and colors, etc. Your wife is thinking, if not just outright saying, "Honey, that's a load of crap! If you don't have tits why are you wearing a bra?"

Please, some GG's, please chime in!

[RADER]

My wife knew of me dressing before we where married; She even saw me dressed on one
occasion. We did have some ground rules in place, like no going out dressed where it would
embarrass her. That was an easy request to comply with; I am way to big to look anything
FEM. in the best way.
My wife would pick out things in the catalog for me to get and wear. The Catalog was the only
place where I could find things that would fit me.
Rader

[TrishaTX]

I agree its the deception which women do not like. You go into marriage saying you will always tell the truth but we all know that is not exactly true. I will say a few things...one, it is doubtful most want to know, I am sure many would run for the hills if it was early int he relationship...and then two, I mean this in a funny way...when they do find the stuff, how could they possible think it is another women's? If you were cheating would you bring another women's clothes home? lol

[wendy]

in my situation, my wife supports my CDing, but it is the fact that I didn't say anything during our relationship about it that she does not like. As many has mentioned, it is the deception or "lie", basically going behind someone's back in a committed relationship that my wife does not like.

[Starshine24]

I knew my wife for almost two years before we finally tied the knot. Then a year into it I told her. She felt deceived because in the three years I have known her she was never told. I guess I can relate it to this:
You buy a car and the salesman says its a fine running car. You agree to pay on it for five years and when you drive it off the lot it has a ticking noise you weren't told about.
I'm not saying CDing is a defect like the ticking noise, but I am saying this is something that the salesman (you) should've been upfront about. I wasn't with my wife and she felt deceived.

[Alaina R]

I'm pretty sure that the reason most of the guys that do not reveal before marriage choose not to disclose because they fear it may be a deal breaker. I know some will deny that but why else would you hold it back? Think about it. How would you feel if your fiance/wife held back something about herself that might change your mind about marrying her? This is especially an issue if, upon reveal, it turns out that in fact the issue/crossdressing would have been a deal breaker but now you are already married, have a house, kids, etc. It's patently unfair and selfish to hold it back. This seems so obvious to me that I don't understand why this question gets asked so often.

[sometimes_miss]

It's because you knew that she wouldn't like it, so you intentionally didn't tell her. Because a big part of her being sexually attracted to you depended upon how masculine she determined you to be. Women rely on their BF/husband for protection and support. That means 'masculine' to them. They feel all nice and comfy and safe in the arms of a great, big, masculine man who they believe will protect them from any harm. Women are generally sexually turned off by any male who appears to be feminine, which, they feel, might compromise their safety and welfare in the future. Finding out that you 'might not' be the all masculine man she thought you were based on how you initially presented yourself to her, makes her feel vulnerable and betrayed, and then pissed off. Sure, it's all based on HER insecurities, but hey, unfortunately that's how life works. We don't get to decide how other people feel about us. We just have to live with it.

[Jenniferathome]

I'm pretty sure that the reason most of the guys that do not reveal before marriage choose not to disclose because they fear it may be a deal breaker. I know some will deny that but why else would you hold it back? ...

No. It's shame and humiliation. I'll add that based on my time here, the overwhelming consensus is that the typical cross dresser thinks they're "done" with it and marriage will end it.