well, I did it, I came out to my SO

[Laura.Taylor]

After months, heck, years, of going back and forth in my head over this, I finally told my wife about "Laura".
When we first started dating over 10 years ago I did tell her that I dressed. She was not accepting at all and asked if I could stop. I, of course, told her that I would and I truly believed that I could do it, so I purged everything and though that was the end of it. We all know how well that went. Mid-summer last year the urges came back, and within a month I was back to where I had been 10 years prior with a full wardrobe, forms, makeup.....you know the drill.
I've been dressing probably 4 to 5 times a week lately, and it has had a very noticeably calming affect on me. As a man, I have a bit of a temper, but Laura keeps me grounded. When I'm dressed, I am very calm, I don't get angry and I tend to be a more loving person. That calmness has even permeated into male mode. I no longer yell, I think before I speak when upset and think more about how my attitude affects those around me. All in all, it has had a very positive affect on me (in my opinion).
So.....this past weekend, my wife and I got into an augment. She was supposed to meet me at a mutual friends party at 2PM, she didn't show up until 4:30PM. Needless to say I was not a happy camper. Lately, she's been showing up late to everything, and not just a little late,but like REALLY late. During the argument, I heard myself actually say I wanted a divorce. It was like someone else said it but it came out of my mouth. I wasn't yelling, I didn't even raise my voice. My wife had a stunned look on her face. I stopped, and thought about what I had just said and why the heck I said it. Then it came to me, it was easier for me to run and leave everything behind rather than face her and tell her about my dressing.
That was the moment. It was now or never. So, with a lot of shaking, sweating, and on the verge of tears, I broke down and told her. I expected her to be angry with me, to start yelling and screaming like she typically does, but that didn't happen. She was confused, scared and instantly blamed herself. Luckily I've been reading tons on how to come out to your SO on this site and many other and had conversation upon conversation with other girls on the subject. I assured her it had nothing to do with her or her sexuality and that this was something that has been with me for most of my life. Then came the questions drowned in tears. Was I gay, have I cheated, was there someone else, did I want to become a woman. I answered everything as honestly as I could and encouraged her to ask anything she wanted and to not hold back. If she could think it, ask it. And she did. for the next few hours, amidst gallons of tears, we talked. and talked, and talked.
In the early morning hours, we snuggled in bed, made love and fell asleep in each others arms.
I honestly don't know where we'll end up. She is having a very rough time getting her head around it. She doesn't know if she can accept it or not. She definitely doesn't want to see any part of Laura at the moment. So for now, I'll wait, hope and see where we end up.
Am I glad I told her?........yes, most definitely yes. Regardless of how this ends up. Whether or not we stay together or breakup after 7 years of marriage, I can no longer hide who I am. This isn't a fetish, it won't go away and it can't be ignored.
There's my story. It's just one more in a long line of those that have gone before me and those that will inevitably come after. We must be true to ourselves even if that comes at the expense of those we love most. Denying who we are only hurts us all.

[Mykaa]

Wow! Laura what a weekend you had, Im pretty close to leaving for work but if you need someone to talk to, please know your not alone. I hope this works out for you both, I really do. Best wishes, Im at a bit of loss for words atm.

[Fiona123]

Wow. You showed great courage. Really well done. Keep up the good work.

[Heidi Stevens]

Not your normal weekend, Laura. Both of you are going to need help to get thru this big turn in your relationship to keep both of you happy and together. There is help on this board for the problems as they relate to your dressing, but you have told us that there seems to be another unrelated problem between you two that needs work. Should you both decide that counciling is the way to go, don't be surprised if the dressing is brought up. Since this is a new developement, explain that this is something that may cause more tension between you two, but it is not the main cause for the rift.
I highly recommend that you attempt to establish a "Don't ask, don't tell" relationship with your wife. You dress only when she is not present, trying to keep every aspect of Laura from her, while she acknowledges that Laura exists. Several of us on this forum are in this condition with our SOs. If you can, try to get her to post to the FAB group and talk to the ladies over there who have spouses that dress.
The next few months are going to be rough. The help is out there for the two of you, so use it and try to work things out. I wish you both good luck on solving ALL your problems. The main thing right now is talk it out between yourselves, don't retreat into a shell.

[sara66]

I hope coming out can in some way help improve your marriage. This is a big step. Our wives should always be first in our lives.
Good luck,
Sara

[Sandyhappygirl]

Wow! What a post. I'm emotionally drained just reading it. Sooooo hope it all works out and the two of you live happily ever after (or should that be the three of you?). Your comments about the calming effect of dressing resonate with me entirely, thought I was reading about myself for a minute. Be sure to give your wife time to adjust.

Sandy

[Tina81]

Laura,
I wish you well on you continue your journey with your wife. There's enough out there on the internet to help her understand that it's not a choice that you CD. You and all of us were born this way. Good luck!

[mykell]

well that was indeed emotional and went alot better than mine,
there was no snuggling or love making after my reveal for many many days, lots of emotion though.

it does feel good to know you told and can move forward, my wife has the same wishes, she knows, she does not want to see it, i think she may have leaving the browser open on a few occasions but she never said anything.

i would not pigeon hole yourself into a DADT relationship just yet, that can be negotiated when you each talk of your comfort levels and terms of what is acceptable which should be your next step. let her have some space if she is not bringing it up as a topic right away, just live as normal as you can.

i think in the long run it works out as it was discussed before and you tried to quit which we all know is not a reality,
best wishes to you both.

so if she is inclined i attend pflag meetings, as comfortable as being here but you are among moms, dads, friends, in the group i attend, it is a trangender group and they have an LGB group

what made me feel the most guilty was that i had the support of the folks here and she had just been given this overbearing bit of info from myself with no support network or peer to confide in, she did not want to see it on the internet though she confided she had looked at something last year.


https://community.pflag.org/

[Di]

I like you kinda knew what you were going to say before hand from reading here.....explaining it in a way she can understand and see you are still who you always have been and also understand that when you said you would stop all those years ago you meant it but that's not realistic .... It is part of you.
She will prob have more questions and ups and downs and if she says she needs someone to talk to our Fab group is here and have a private section she can talk to other Ggs.
Best Wishes

[Jenniferathome]

Good on you Laura. The timing and approach were a bit rough but the truth is the truth.

... Then it came to me, it was easier for me to run and leave everything behind rather than face her and tell her about my dressing.
...

This comment struck a chord with me. I didn't get nearly this close with my wife, but I have written many times I was pushing her away, maybe hoping I didn;t have to tell her. A cowards choice for sure. Keep talking, it can work.

Take care,

[Amy Fakley]

Congratulations! Both for coming clean, and for having the self-awareness to realize why the word "divorce" spilled out, then doing the selfless thing by explaining why. Seriously, that's an insight few have, and the courage to follow through is even more rare.

I have a feeling yall are going to be fine, just by your description of the aftermath ... tons of honest conversation, and closeness. It was a similar way after I came out to my wife (but I waited 17 years instead of 7).

Keep talking. Bad things fester in the darkness of silence, but beautiful things grow under the light of open honest discussion.

I was such a mess that first week or two after coming out. I was a nervous wreck ... In the end I had to ask my doctor for a temporary Xanax prescription (I was having awful panic attacks). In retrospect, I wouldn't have waited so long to call my doctor about that. So if I have any advice, that'd be it ... do whatever it takes to keep talking and be open and honest, even if you need a little chemical assistance to get through it.

[Kate Simmons]

I wish you well my friend. Your friends here are here to help you whatever happens. Remember that.

[Rachael Leigh]

Laura I know it's difficult now but hang in there I really wish there was a good place our wives could go to that helps them with this part of us, it such a difficult thing to deal with and in many ways it's worse then an affair it's like we are with another women except that women is us. They can't wrap their head around that and then they question themselves about are they gay or why didn't they see this how stupid and foolish they must be.
You see I know I've dealt with this and it's not easy and we don't make it easy because it's just an important part of who we are.
I hope you two will work through this and it will all work out
Leigh

[Laura.Taylor]

thank you all for your kind words and encouragement, I sincerely appreciate it.

My wife and I have spoken several times by phone today as we're both working. She really sounds distraught and it's killing me inside. She just wants to make it all go away and I can't promise that to her. "Why can't you just give it up?" I don't know how to answer that one other than to say it's part of me, not an addiction or a fetish, it's just me, and if I promise to give it up it would just be a lie. She keeps going to some self made image in her head of me as a woman and it destroys her image of me. She keeps thinking of me wanting to be like Kaitlyn Jenner (her words). This is where I need a good source of what CDing really is. I told her that there is a HUGE difference between CD and TG and that I have no desire to transition. A few here have suggested the FIB forum but I've read the requirements for her to get an account and access and I know she'll never do it.

[JaniceP]

OMG, I Truly wish I could help, your emotions must be driving you crazy.

I was in sort of the same situation, to be fair I told my wife, Before we were married, she disapproved at first and gave the ring back. A couple of days later she said OK, as longs as she Never Saw me Dressed.

We ave been married now for 45 years, 5 children and 13 Grandchildren.
I did have a Totally wonderful wardrobe of Female clothes. I had panties, girdles, stockings, matching lacy Bra's, cute slips, even a LBD!
Full make-up, 2 Very Pretty Wigs (1 auburn & the other a light brown with blonde streaks, so pretty, my favorate), silicone breast forms & almost everything a Real Girl would need. At times when my Girly feeling was Over powerful, I'd get a motel room for a night and Dress an act Feminine all night.

[Teresa]

Laura,
It has to happen at some point, but there's never a right time. I must admit I cried like I've never cried before or since, I could feel the weight coming off my shoulders .

I'm so glad you found the courage , you know you'll have to tread carefully until she's taken it all in, but at least you can now truly accept yourself, no hiding it's all out in the open . Being wired different isn't that bad as long as everyone can understand it .

Don't make false promises of being able to stop or how far do you want to go, it's a learning curve for you as well and try not let the pink fog take over, you'll do things you may regret later.

I understand your comment about her not coming to the forum, there's things we talk about here that may scare her unnecessarily at first.

Counselling may help the situation if she's struggling with accepting how you want to present yourself, the point is we are born like it and there's nothing we or anyone else can do about it.

[Pat]

This is where I need a good source of what CDing really is. I told her that there is a HUGE difference between CD and TG and that I have no desire to transition.

Wikipedia has an article on "Transgender" which is not rigorous but reenforces your points. Like most it gets too focused on transsexuals which is probably not what she wants to see, but if she reads the intro and then skips down to "Other Identities" to "Transvestite or Crossdresser" it may be reassuring for her.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender

I mention Wikipedia because it may be perceived as a more neutral source. The Psychology Today site has a good resource (and includes a John Oliver segment on transgender rights.):

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...rt-film-answer


GLAAD also has some good info including a pointer to an "allies" page (that's what your wife would basically have to become if she wants to deal with this in a positive way.)

http://www.glaad.org/transgender/transfaq

I hope things work out for you. The educational effort is hard but it pays off.

[Amy Fakley]

Around the time I came out, this documentary was something we both enjoyed watching. I think we both found it reassuring in that it illustrates that life does go on, and that it's entirely possible to have a happy, healthy successful marriage well into old age where one of you has gender issues

http://youtu.be/zV6bStI7St8

Also, though she may not want to join up here and jump through the hoops to get on the FAB forum, you might just let her read this thread to get an idea of how many completely otherwise "normal" folk there are out there who aren't (necessarily) on the Cait Jenner path

[carhill2mn]

I commend you for taking the big step of telling your wife about your need "dress". One never knows what will happen afterwards. I think that it is important for people to realize that these desires/needs will not "go away".

One thing that concerns me a little is that you do not mention what your wife's explanations are as to why she has been so late to so many things lately. There is usually something going on that causes such behavior. Often it involves another person.

[Kiva]

Good for you guys. Communication is the first step. A lot of people can't do that. It's not easy for a great many of our wives to accept. Mine has been back and forth on it since I told her, which was in 1986. Later this month will be our 34th anniversary. I do know that she is my best friend, and we both cherish our relationship to the point that we'll be together through thick and thin. We're in it for the long haul. Right now, she doesn't like it, and doesn't want to be part of it all, but I think she has accepted the fact that it is something that is simply not going away. We have made rules and boundary's. I'm ok with them if it means keeping my marriage intact. I can't speak for others, but I know I don't want to live my life alone. I love having someone to come home to, someone to share life's ups and downs with. I really hope you two can find a happy medium. Good luck and keep the lines open Laura. Btw, you're very pretty!

Kiva

[Tracii G]

I think when you said the I want a divorce in a calm voice may have been the point she took notice.
From her point of view she may have though "Its like he wasn't yelling when he said it and it sounded like he meant it".
That in itself might have scared her to the point hum maybe my always being late and my propensity for pissing him off isn't such a great idea.
My second wife was always doing something to get under my skin just to see how far she could push me until one day at her parents house she went off on me for no reason.
Her Mom and Dad couldn't believe what she did. I told her Dad don't bring her home until she apologizes to you both or she can thumb a ride home I don't care anymore I'm leaving . Just to note her parents live 85 miles away in another town.
My point is sometimes its the shock of reality that changes attitudes.

[VirtuaGrl]

This is going to take some time, Laura. I know, I've been there. When I came out to my wife as a closet crossdresser, we were at roughly the same place in our relationship as you and your wife (we had been married about eight years after being friends and dating for about two before marriage), although we also have three children which you didn't mention. I had also been out crossdressed with my wife a few times for Halloween so she had seen me completely dressed and so I wasn't competing with her imagination (a battle you will most likely never win).

Definitely check out the links Jennie provided. Think of transgender being a scale with fully transitioning transsexuals at one end and crossdressers towards the other end (I'm not sure what the actual other end is, but I think the hetero-crossdresser with no intention or desire to fully transition is close to the opposing end of post-op transsexuals). Regardless, I believe a CD is TG, but is very different from a TS (but not necessarily so different from a TV). It is not a very clear-cut scale and it is not easy to define which I believe makes explaining it so difficult.

The very best advice I can proffer here is to be patient and continue talking with your wife and offering to answer as many questions she puts to you as possible. As long as you and your wife eventually agree on whether a CD is a TG or not, then it truly does not matter what the actual definitions are. Don't let semantics be a roadblock. Focus on what these terms mean to you and what they mean for your wife. As long as you both are agreeing (or at minimum as long as you each understand what the other intends) to the phrases indicate, then you can focus on what they mean for your marriage.

It is great that you recognized that you don't really want a divorce, but instead were seeking an escape from the situation. Hopefully, your wife will come to a point where she can accept your needs and will be able to provide an opportunity for you to let Laura out often enough to satisfy your needs as well.

Good luck and by all means, feel free to contact me privately if you think I may be of additional assistance.

- A

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Laura, I have walked in your heels & shivered in my pantyhose about the reveal & post reveal aftermath. You will get so many great comforting & realistic advise from those on this forum. I was so thankful for all the support thrown my way. We are near the same age & circumstance. Regretfully, my post reveal reality has not been fun. Mellisa is suppressed , even after months of couples counseling, because my wife cannot come to terms with my feminine soul. Every relationship is different & every picture tells a different story . To you, this situation & the excrutiating anxiety is particularly unique to you despite all of the good advise. There are no easy answers or roads to travel once the girl within you has been revealed. You and your wife are now in two totally different orbits. I pray for both that gravity will bring you both back to earth. Regardless of how this ultimately plays out, always remember to think & be positive even when there doesn't seem to be any hope. We were born uniquely with feminine souls. You might suppress the dressing, but you cannot suppress the feminine soul as she is you. Much peace, mel

[Beverley Sims]

Laura,
It's out now, play it carefully and you may have a good outcome.

[Laura.Taylor]

So it's day 3 and so far not much progress. I'm having a lot of trouble getting her to seek some kind of help in dealing with this. She is outright refusing to speak to any kind of therapist. She thinks they're all quacks. She can't talk to any of her friends because she doesn't want to out me. I've tried to get her to read some forums but she keeps focusing on the few that are negative. On a good note, she and I are communicating very well. She thinks I'm the only one she can talk to and while I'm more than willing to talk anytime she wants, I know I'm also the source of her anxiety which makes it difficult for me.

Last night she displayed a bit of aggression by taking out some frustrations on my full length mirror. She took it off the door, wrapped it in a garbage bag, took it outside and stomped the living crap out of it. She said it did make her feel better so I'm happy to have sacrificed my mirror. She did threaten to destroy any of my clothing or accessories she found. I did draw the line at that comment letting her know that was totally unacceptable. These were my belongings and she in now way was to damage them. It's all pretty well hidden so the only way she'll run across it is if she actively looks for it which she said she didn't want to do.

I've promised myself not to purge but it's getting difficult. I dressed for a little while today and it just didn't feel the same. I felt guilty. I may just put things away for a bit and see how I feel in a few more days. might just be safer to put it in my storage unit but the thought of that makes me sad as well.

Oh well, tomorrow in yet another day. Here's to praying it's a little better than today.