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Thread: well, I did it, I came out to my SO

  1. #26
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    Despite the anxiety & disconnect, you have to remain positive !!!

  2. #27
    Member dawn459's Avatar
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    Coming out to your SO/Wife can
    be good or bad .I told my future
    wife while we we're dating that I
    enjoyed wearing gowns nighties
    panties pantihose and wound up
    buying us matching gowns to wear
    on our honeymoon.My wife is supportive of my dressing. even helps pick out dresses&lingerie
    she knows will look good on me.
    She only requests that I don't dress when the daughters or grandchildren are visiting.
    She has not been out shopping
    with me en fem she is afraid that
    we will see some one we know
    and that would be disaster for
    both of us..we go shopping
    with me in male mode and we
    use code words like do you think
    dawn or Mary Jane would like that
    if she sees something for me..
    Yes comin out to the SO/WIFE has its ups and downs but honesty is
    the best policy. Good luck Dawn459

  3. #28
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    Laura, the thing you said that resonated with me the most is that it's not a fetish and it won't go away. I have wondered if it could myself, but I started at the age of 12. Being re-singled has lead me to explore the feminine clothing world without fear of scrutiny. I am totally with you. I hope things work out and that your SO finds a way to accept you for who you are. God bless!

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    I guess the question is do you want to be the person you want to be or the one she wants you to be? CD is a tough world for heterosexual relationships.

  4. #29
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Laura.Taylor View Post
    She keeps going to some self made image in her head of me as a woman and it destroys her image of me.
    This is the big one. You have to find some way of getting her to accept that this isn't anything new. You've always been this way, and it hasn't affected how you behave in your past, and won't in the future. I'm not terrific with words, so perhaps someone else can come up with better ways of getting her to understand that. Because that's what you're fighting now; her seeing you as someone less than who you were before. You can turn it around, with that presumption, as a way that society has always considered being a woman somehow being less valued than being a man, and how that belief feeds the idea that people have about a man being feminine somehow makes him less worthy of anything, because that's what she's feeling, and it's wrong no matter why anyone feels that way (have to be careful with this, because women get very upset if and when you say anything that appears that you're trying to invalidate their feelings). Perhaps through discussion, you can alleviate the fears that she has, but first you'll have to get her to know what they are, not just 'he's not the man I thought he was' cover all that we hear most commonly from wives who face a mate who's behaving feminine in some way. Women are still brought up to believe in their 'prince', their brave, strong, protector, provider husband, and spend their whole life trying to find the best possible candidate with all those qualities, to marry, because whether it's genetic or upbringing, she's got a predispositon to find men with those characteristics sexually desirable, and now, all of a sudden, she finds that desire waning or gone completely. That's where the 'not the man I thought I married' disappointment comes in; she now thinks you're less than she bargained for, and, of course, blames YOU for misrepresenting yourself. She may even see all your behavior in the past as a facade to 'hide who you really are', or even that you're in denial about your own sexuality.

    The ultimate fix for this, is for everyone to see women as equals in every way to men. Most importantly, women themselves; this huge issue they have about needing a protector and provider in their life to feel secure is at the forefront of the insecurity they feel about having a male mate who is feminine; because they, themselves. see feminine as less capable than masculine; which means that they still see themselves as 'needing' a 'real' man to rely on. This will only go away as little girls are raised being treated not as little princesses, but as smart, capable people who are just as able as any man to accomplish things. And we're not there yet, even in the country that has as many or more opportunities for women in the world than anywhere else (AFAIK).
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 05-12-2016 at 09:10 AM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  5. #30
    New Member Laura.Taylor's Avatar
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    Thank you all for you suggestions and support. It is certainly helping me get through this, although it's not looking good

    today is day 6

    My wife is pretty much an emotional wreck. She refuses to to anything to help herself or us. She's just retreated into a sobbing mess saying shes trapped with no way out. She can't handle the idea of me dressing and she can't stand the thought of leaving me. She's insisting that I am now a completely different person than she thought I was no matter how hard I try to convince her that I'm the same person I've always been. I'm trying to get her to see a therapist with me but she keeps avoiding the conversation to agree on one and set an appointment. She's wallowing in self pity and refuses to see anything different than what she already believes, which is her in a nutshell, stubborn and self righteous.

    I'm trying to be supportive but there's only so much I can do, she's going to need to start helping herself because I can't do it alone. As each day goes by I'm thinking more and more that we're over and I can live with that be she can't.

  6. #31
    Member Jennie2's Avatar
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    Hi Laura
    Sorry to hear of your problems, I came out to my wife accidentally about 9 months ago and we are now in a sort of DADT relationship, but at first it was very difficult and the only way to go forward at this time may be to stop dressing for the time being, don't add fuel to the fire. Communication and time are great healers.

    Your wife will be embarrassed about talking to anyone about the situation because it will reflect on her, so don't push her to see a therapist if she doesn't want to. remember you put her in this position, you now have someone to talk about crossdressing and your burden of hiding it has been dumped on your wife. Take time answer her questions, tell her you will try to stop for the time being.
    I explained why I dressed to my wife by saying I didn't choose this way of life but I was born this way and it is a need to dress rather than a desire and I can't do anything about it. Say you will try to abstain for a while and see what happens.
    You can't afford to be selfish and you must consider the needs of your wife if you want to stay in the relationship.
    I told my wife I would do anything within my power to help our marriage but I could only offer to manage my dressing, this took time and patience. My wife knows I dress still, she is not happy about it but she knows I need to otherwise I become stressed and she doesn't want that for me

    Good luck
    Jennie
    Jennie x

  7. #32
    Member ThiHi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Laura.Taylor View Post
    ...she's going to need to start helping herself because I can't do it alone.
    Exactly. I'd say see a therapist yourself, perhaps. There are times when you do have to look after yourself first. Like on the plane, when they tell you to put the mask on yourself before you can help the person next to you.

    I truly hope she comes to terms with it. Or maybe she's uninterested in moving forward. Hard to know for me, of course.

    I wish you well. I can only say you have to take care of yourself, as no one else will.

  8. #33
    Aspiring Member Mykaa's Avatar
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    Laura your a wise person, A burden shared becomes less a burden . I know from my own experience. I have suffered thru a lot of bad times, just remember your not alone all I know to say for your wife is do your best to be there, I think too maybe you should talk to someone for your own sake.
    Mykaa is me! Discovering Peace throughout from the Girl within.
    David Bowie "Don't stay in a sad place Where they don't care how you are..."
    Disturbed The Light "The truth is waiting there for you to find it
    It's not a blight, but a remedy"

  9. #34
    Aspiring Member Leelou's Avatar
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    Hi Laura,

    Thanks for posting an update. I'm so glad you feel this group has helped you though this. It's not even been a week. Please don't think about you two being over. She's told you that she can't stand the thought of leaving you. Slow down. Be there for your wife. Don't push her into counseling.

    Best wishes to you both!

  10. #35
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    Hi Laura,

    Thanks for sharing your story. You made an important and right thing in my opinion. As you know, the outcome of these conversations is different and more often than not unpredictable for most of us. When I came to my wife shortly after we got married, the immediate reaction was - "oh, that's cool. Want to sleep in my PJ tonight? And as soon as I put it, she first laughed and then said - actually...take it off"...For the next 6 years she would barely tolerate my simple dressing (no makeup, or anything like that). Now, I can mostly wear not too provocative clothes around her and kids when I want.

    What I actually wanted to share with you, is a great book that you can buy as a kindle version ($8.50) or paper back ($15) on amazon. It is called "My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing From the Perspective of a Wife". I thought my wife would read it as she said she would, but I think she didn't. I read and I liked the book. I think it is a great book for all of us to read, but its goal was to help other wives and family members to learn about us - those weird unheard of creatures called cross-dressers. It may be much easier for her to read this than to go to a therapy or look for answers on the forums. Even if she won't show any enthusiasm to read it now, she may decide to read it later, and it should help her. Just leave it on the table where she can read it. I would recommend you to read too..

    Hope all goes well.
    Hugs,

    Katya
    Last edited by Katya@; 05-13-2016 at 09:30 PM.

  11. #36
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Laura.Taylor View Post
    thank you all for your kind words and encouragement, I sincerely appreciate it.

    My wife and I have spoken several times by phone today as we're both working. She really sounds distraught and it's killing me inside. She just wants to make it all go away and I can't promise that to her. "Why can't you just give it up?" This is where I need a good source of what CDing really is. I told her that there is a HUGE difference between CD and TG and that I have no desire to transition.
    TG is not TS and TS is a part of TG and CD is as well ! At this point in your life,you don't know how strongly or not GID is affecting you. Please don't box yourself in. Time will tell. And in regards to DADT marriages..It is about accepting that you are guilty of doing something the other partner doesn't like. Don't accept this guilt ! Your female self could be the real one..Time will tell.

  12. #37
    Aspiring Member Mykaa's Avatar
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    So I heard from Laura today, they are doing a bit better, they have good days and bad, hopefully with support Laura and the spouse will be ok. I was glad to hear from Laura, I extended my support when the thread started, going thru life without friends is a thought I wouldnt want to have. She did express to me they were in therapy, I was very glad to hear that. I thought Id share on behalf of Laura, she has a lot on her mind.
    Mykaa is me! Discovering Peace throughout from the Girl within.
    David Bowie "Don't stay in a sad place Where they don't care how you are..."
    Disturbed The Light "The truth is waiting there for you to find it
    It's not a blight, but a remedy"

  13. #38
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    January 2016 I tried coming out to my wife of 35 years but she freaked and pushed me back into the closet.
    She told me not to tell anyone that I what to dress as a women. and keep it to your self.

    Well now four months later Things seem to be OK, who knows, many we're both faking it.
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  14. #39
    Junior Member Emma or Darren's Avatar
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    Laura that was a very brave thing you did coming out like that. I hope your SO comes around and accepts things.
    I wish id done a better job of telling mine I think I played it down somehow and wasnt entirely honest to either of us she seems to of brushed it under the carpet and Im now waiting to ease the subject into conversation again.

  15. #40
    New Member Laura.Taylor's Avatar
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    Thanks all. It's certainly a rocky road. We had a great Memorial day weekend. We spent a lot of time together and got along great, but then the past 2 days she started getting all upset and crying again, almost the same as the day I told her. She keeps going back to the " I can't stand being around you but I love you and can't leave you". Our therapist has been very supportive of me and my wife resents that as well.

    We'll keep on going one day at a time and see where we end up I suppose.

    Again, thank you all for your kind words and support. I'll try to do a better job on keeping this thread updated.

  16. #41
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    Be patient and hope that she can come to understand that the aspects of you she loves are part of your feminine persona as well. To make all that go away would change you to someone she probably wouldn't know and maybe wouldn't like. You said that once you began dressing again you calmed down and have become a much better spouse. That happened to me as well and eventually my late wife saw that as well.

    It's been said a number of times that we deal with this on a day to day basis and gradually begin to understand and eventually accept who we are, but it's usually something surprising for our spouses and we can't expect them to process all that new information as quickly as we would like. The other concern is she thought your dressing had gone away and to discover you tried but failed and now embrace it probably feels like betrayal to her. That's a hard one to overcome. Good luck and remember this is a part of you that will may never go away and if she stays with you it's something she will have to accept one way or another.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  17. #42
    Nikki Windsor nikkiwindsor's Avatar
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    My wife eventually became accepting of my gender fluid ways...I just remained very patient and let her come to terms with it; I didn't push it and I didn't dress for years. I hope everything works out for you and your wife. Our relationship is closer than ever. If you can share with a SO something as personal & special has having a feminine nature within you then you can share just about anything. I am who I am. My wife realizes that and now accepts me with unconditional love. She's my soul mate. Nikki
    Wearing my fuschia bodycon dress:
    http://imgur.com/6WkdAts
    For the first time, outdoors during the day:
    http://i.imgur.com/RmjIxbY.jpg

  18. #43
    Aspiring Member Mykaa's Avatar
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    Hang in there! You have friends here Laura.
    Mykaa is me! Discovering Peace throughout from the Girl within.
    David Bowie "Don't stay in a sad place Where they don't care how you are..."
    Disturbed The Light "The truth is waiting there for you to find it
    It's not a blight, but a remedy"

  19. #44
    Member Shayna's Avatar
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    Hoping for the best for you and your wife. Remember to be understanding. This isn't something she thought was part of the bargain. Sometimes it's hard to do and still remain true to yourself.

  20. #45
    Member Tommie.'s Avatar
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    I seem to recall most marriages have trouble in the 7th or 8th year... my SO and I did even without the dressing issue. Heidi said early on there is more than likely another reason for the trouble which the consular may find for y'all. Anyway, you are in my prayers and may the Lord bless you both and send His angels to surround you....
    Enjoy our new life and seek peace Give love and kindness to others Live patience, self control, humility each day

  21. #46
    New Member Laura.Taylor's Avatar
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    Hi all, figured it was time for an update on this thread.

    After a few months of couples therapy and a LOT of talking I think we're making a little progress. She's still not very supportive and doesn't like my dressing at all, but at least she's not beating me up about it anymore. She tries to give me some alone time so I can be myself and doesn't begrudge me my "Laura" time but it's still a DADT arraignment. I've made a few compromises to keep her happy but I have also laid down a few rules myself (such as I'm never growing my beard back, I'm going to staying thin and in shape).

    I'm pretty sure we'll stick together as it looks for now, but we still have a ways to go I think.

    Thank you all for your kind and supportive words. It really does help

    Kisses,
    Laura

  22. #47
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    I read your comments in this thread. It seems all the outings to a wife follow the same script. I checked your age and I am assuming your wife also has a prior marriage. I wonder, because I do not know, if how a prior marriage dissolving has an adverse effect on her view of you. Liar? Cheat? Something that would indicate she may believe all men are untrustworthy. I would conjecture when you told her you had cross dressed and made a pledge to purge and give it up, whether or not she really knew what cross dressing is all about. I really would not be encouraged by her comment concerning a therapist being supportive of you. I remember my wife telling me one of the hardest thing about knowing about my desires to wear women's clothing was not having a confident to talk to. My wife and I grew into this desire of mine together in as much as neither of us had any track record of prior relationships. I hope you're not up against a woman trying to figure out "What is it that he's not telling me?" all the time.

  23. #48
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    I have never been married , but a woman on FB, has showed interest in me. I decided to tell her straight up, that i am a crossdresser , started at 14. She said i look too masculine, and can rise above the sin of crossdressing. I asked her why the church she is in, is now allowing women to wear pants to services now. I told her i will always have the urge to dress up, unless i get injured bad, very sick, or in a nursing home. She does not accept it, but woould like to meet me sometime, but wants me to rise above my problems. It seems that Sometime Miss is right about most GGs reasons for anger at our dressing. We are not the men they thought we were, or should be. It takes a rare GG, to do her homework, and educate herself on this. Laura, hoping your wife will get education on this thing we do, and also realize that GG's can wear anything they want, including mens clothes, and it is totally accepted.

  24. #49
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    I am letting the OP do this but know that Thread Bumping isn't allowed.

    Thread Bumping

    Posting in a thread you created for the sole purpose of "freshening" the thread is not allowed, unless permission is granted by a staff member. The application of this rule is up to the discretion of the staff and such posts will be removed.
    make sure it stays withing the original OP
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  25. #50
    Member Jessica May's Avatar
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    Hi Laura,
    I know its hard to come out to your wife. I think time, understanding, and empathizing with you wife will get you there. I came out to my wife last year and experienced a lot of the things you have. She blamed herself and couldn't understand why I wanted this. Now she is much more accepting although she still doesn't love it she respects me and loves the person I am. The best advice I can give is give her processing time and being fully open and honest with her and not pressuring her. It will all come in time. I wish you the best of luck

    Jess

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