I'd dress more often if only. . . what are the barriers you face?

[Sarah Doepner]

We all seem to have our personal comfort level on how we dress and what we do when that happens. When there is an imbalance between what we want and what we can do, it gets frustrating and sometimes will effect our personal relationships. When you determine your comfort level it's a combination of what you want to see in the mirror and how you want to feel, weighed against the risks you believe you are facing. Pretty basic risk/reward stuff.

Have you looked at your risk/reward balance recently and what did you find? Are you just where you want to be or is there more that needs to be in your life? What are the barriers you are keeping in place, or are keeping you in place? Here are some of the ones I've recognized in my life.

Early on it was the fear of being discovered by anyone.
Later it was the fear of admitting who I really was (and that one lasted a long time).
Fear of being discovered by Spouse and ruining relationship; friends and being isolated; strangers and being assaulted or publicly ridiculed; or work and seeing a career destroyed.

Now:
I have a support group of trans friends and I've retired.
My wife passed away a few years ago.
I've come out to my adult children and a few other family.
I've gone out in public often enough over the years that I realize most people don't care as long as I am confident, smile and behave appropriately.
My neighbors probably don't know, probably.
My closest old friends don't know and neither do my grandkids.

So I can dress when and how I want at home, but have to be aware of potential visitors just dropping in for a visit. I can go out day or night with a little planning and stealth and I can spend days full time on trips to other cities if I want.

Still I want a little more freedom to present as Sarah to the world. That frustration means I have barriers to address.

The barriers for me now are my oldest friends, grandkids and probably other extended family. The grandkids will have to be told by their parents, who won't say anything until I'm ready. And I have to tell my oldest friends and that is where the risk of loss seems to be the greatest for now. In the long run, the extended family will either never know or their opinion will affect them more than me and those closest to me.

Are you already happy and in your comfort zone or do you face any barriers between where you are and where you want to be in regards to expressing your gender identity? Can you identify those barriers you face and are you able to work on them? What do you say?

[sara66]

I am still in closet, my wife and 2 other know. My biggest barrier is not wanting to be seen in town. I work in sale in a very male industry, one word could kill my career. My wife still does not want meet Sara yet, but I have been talking with her and a friend about getting out shopping this fall(shaving season) for a morning or possibly take a trip out of town for a whole day of girly bliss.
Sara

[Byron]

I guess the work and family are the biggest barriers. The SO knows, is open minded and understands, but its just not how she wants to see me, I respect that boundary.

In addition to that there is the free time barrier. Family and work create very few suitable situations to have the time available for dressing. Made more difficult by my need to go through the process of full body hair removal and makeup, etc, etc. I've gotten to the point where I can't half a** it and still get the desired effect, it's either all the way, or I don't bother.

So I have to be clever to find the time I need to satisfy this part of me, its not easy, but the alternative is pretty much just go insane. :/

[Sarah Doepner]

I guess the work and family are the biggest barriers. The SO knows, is open minded and understands, but its just not how she wants to see me, I respect that boundary.

In addition to that there is the free time barrier. Family and work create very few suitable situations to have the time available for dressing. Made more difficult by my need to go through the process of full body hair removal and makeup, etc, etc. I've gotten to the point where I can't half a** it and still get the desired effect, it's either all the way, or I don't bother.

So I have to be clever to find the time I need to satisfy this part of me, its not easy, but the alternative is pretty much just go insane. :/

Byron,

Thanks for the reminder about how we allocate our time. I've been retired long enough that it escaped me. I remember now how I would snatch a few hours here and there or find ways to prepare in advance for a chance to dress. I loved winter because I could shave my legs and paint my toe nails and keep them covered. I still try to shave close every day to shorten that part of preparation.

I'm not religious so I didn't include Faith as a barrier for me, but I know there are a lot of us who struggle with that one. I didn't include sexuality either, but I recognize there are those who find less of a difference between gender identity and their sexuality than I do.

What else am I missing here?

[Alice Torn]

I am single, but was forced to move back several miles from my extremely difficult family of origin, in 2010, after my neo nazi brothers were arrested, and i have been helping my very elderly dad some. If my one brother who is now out of prison found out about Alice, he would immediately tell my dad, and sister, the helpers, my dad's
relatives, and his twin brother in prison, making my life a living hell. If some people in the church organization i have been with, found out and spread it, it would be tough. One neighbor knows, and she is ok with it, but all the other neighbors, and townspeople who know me, would make it very uncomfortable. I think my landlord may suspect it, as i made the mistake of having my computer screen on, with a pic with Alice in lingerie, as he sat in a chair with a straight on view of it, while we talked!

[Teresa]

Sarah,
Apart from not losing my wife , your now list resembles mine.
I say I'm partially out to my wife and children, they know but haven't seen me dressed. The grandchildren are too young to be considered at the moment but I guess I prefer to be just grandpa to them .
My neighbours may have seen me in the garden, but now I go out to a social TG group the chances are I'm going to seen leaving the house. My closest friends know and have been very supportive, I personally aren't worried who knows now, if I'm TG and have a need to dress accordingly then I'm not ashamed of it.

I'm surprised you still have barriers after losing your wife, if I'd separated from mine the plan was to dress as much as I chose and form my life around that presentation.
At the moment I'm not completely happy with the barriers , I recently posted a thread asking if members were happy with their double life, because I'm not, there's too much of my life I don't share with anyone and it does hurt at times.

[carhill2mn]

I would say that, realistically, I am in my comfort zone. My circumstances are similar to yours. I live alone and en femme about 90% of the time. My adult children "know" thanks to my wife when she told them we were getting a divorce. They were more upset about the divorce than my cross dressing, much to my wife's dismay. My grandchildren do not know.

I go out en femme frequently to a wide variety of venues. I am not out to my neighbors but some probably know or suspect. My long-time friends do not know. I have chosen to present my male side to them which requires some extra effort on my part. It would be nice to be able to present myself to everyone in whatever mode I wanted to at the time but there is a cost involved with that and the "cost" would be more than I am prepared to pay.

[Anneliese]

Neighbors. However, why should I care?

[Krisi]

I'm retired and I can dress as often as I wish but since only my wife knows (and that's how we both want it), dressing limits what I can do outside of the home. I suppose that's a "barrier" but it's one I set for myself.

I go out sometimes but I have to underdress and then finish dressing in the car away from my neighborhood. Again that's a "barrier" but it's one I set for myself.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

The huge barrier is a wife who wants a divorce should I dress. In her absence, there would be much more manageable concerns.

[Aligirl]

Biggest barrier right now is living with the in-laws who are not accepting of anything outside the so called gender binary. Hiding everything has been a major challenge to my sanity.

[JessieA]

Divorced and living by myself so can dress a fair amount. Barrier is friends and work for the most part. Problem with dressing so much when dressed the house feels like a prison at times. And have an almost overpowering need to be social when dressed.

[Tracii G]

Live alone and can dress as much as I want so I guess there are no barriers.

[Shely]

i have too little time and too seldom. My SO doesn't seem to care what i do while she is not here. and also when we have sex, that is really nice. but no one else is aware of my desire to dress to the 9's. i get to about once a week for several hours and time goes by like a jet airplane. I am hoping for the day when i can dress at home at my pleasure, but that is a dream at this point. My dressing is always at home and right now i don't desire to go out and about, maybe someday. I am lucky that my wife has taken to letting me dress, in fact she has occasionally bought me some finery. I would love to take a week off and just spend my time all dressed up at home doing what comes naturally.

[Heidi Stevens]

Right now the only restriction is DADT, don't ask don't tell. I can dress when I want and go where I want, but I pledged to my wife she will never see or meet Heidi. So either she has to be away from the house for a while or I have to go out of town without her to dress. I work hard to fulfill this promise and it has actually allowed me more freedom to dress and discover who I really am.

[Terri Andrews]

i think my biggest barrier is" ME" and telling my Sons. I have a SO that is very supportive and we often go out together. I am retired, a few friends know ,some OK some not .
I see a Endo Dr .in two weeks and am hoping that will give me the added push I need .

[marlacd]

I too am alone, so the opportunity to dress is always there. I don't have children to come barging in on me, so I needn't worry about that. But, my business would go sliding down the tubes if anyone knew. I have a few dressing friends, and I did some work for one. He was just fine with me, his wife, I got a severe cold shoulder from. Their used to be a venue that I did go to, dressed. I never noticed that (Or at least it never happened when I was there) that the nightclub was having real issues with violent patrons. They closed it down.
As nutty as it sounds, my town has a gay mayor. He came out before the last election- and he was re-elected.(!) But I know the sentiments towards trans people in my area, and it isn't very safe for me to venture out, at least locally. Until I get brave, I'll just keep it within my walls for now.

[WandaRae2009]

My wife wants me to stay in the closet, So I only get to dress at home. My wife knows but doesn't want to participate. I still have a son at home that works nights, so my opportunities are very limited. My biggest hope is that my wife warms up to letting me attend some group gatherings.

[Tina_gm]

I don't really think of it as barriers, because in truth, there aren't any. Choices is what I feel best describes how much I express my femininity, by dressing or other ways. I am not a millionaire, nor a celebrity, but I have created a life I feel proud of. A life that is at least a comfortable life. I have two kids, a wife I love and adore. IF, I chose to dress more, or to be more open about it, it would have a big effect on these things. Would I end my marriage if I chose more, not necessarily. I am sure my wife does have a limit. I know I am choosing not to lean up right on that limit. I am choosing for my kids to know me only as their father, and without them having to think of their father with any gender variance. Same goes for the rest of my family, friends and at my job. Would I lose it all? No. My job is protected fairly well. I could possibly even transition and not lose it. But a much broader version of myself in terms of gender variance would have a substantial impact on all of my life. An impact that currently I do not feel a need to make. So long as I do not feel a need to make such an impact, I choose not to.

[Adelaide]

The wife is THE barrier. She has never supported Adelaide. The threats of divorce and get my adult kids against me are countless. It makes me soooo sad....

[Georgina]

The barrier I face is work. I dress when I am not working.

[Fiona123]

My own fear, feelings of shame, etc. Also lack of acceptance by spouse.

[JamieG]

My barriers are family and work. My wife knows, but my kids don't. We have agreed that we don't want to tell them at this point, believing it will be a burden on them. With that concern in mind, I don't go out en femme close to home, and the few times I've driven off en femme, I've made sure it was dark and no neighbors were standing around. As for work, there are no openly trans people there, although there are a decent number of openly queer people, some in fairly senior positions. I'm sure I would get some support, but worry it might also strain some working relationships. Given that most of my life is spent either at work or with family, chances to dress come few and far between.

[NicoleScott]

As a boy I was caught playing with lipstick. My dad held me down and smeared it on my mouth while verbally humiliating me, to stop that unnatural, deviant, sinful behavior. But the desire for women's things didn't go away, and so: lesson learned - don't get caught again. First barrier - acceptance, it's not there.
The barrier for my pre-teen, teen, and early twenties was private time, place, and money. Living at home, college dorm, Army, and then marriage with my secret intact. I had only some lipsticks and a few crossdressing magazines, but I was able to start accumulating what I needed for full transformation: clothes, wig, shoes, makeup. Eventually she found a pantyhose package not her size and confronted me. I opened up. We divorced after counseling failed to reconcile her goal to have me cured and my goal to get her acceptance.
That's when it changed. I lived alone which gave me the private time and place, and had a good job that gave me enough money to buy more stuff.
Then it got better. A new job in a new town where I knew nobody outside of work. The opportunities to dress actually surpassed my urges. I could dress all I wanted,, and it turned out that 3-4 times a week was all I needed.
I read many forum members desire to be able to dress 24/7. Not me. As a pleasure dresser dressing in sessions lasting a few hours a few times a week, it was all I needed.
I remarried, 22 years and counting, and she has no problem with my crossdressing but doesn't participate. It surprises me at times that she is supportive of my way-over-the-top look: six inch heels, short skirts, heavy makeup, etc.
We have a child and it's a minor barrier.
But I get enough private time and place to work for me.
Sometimes barriers just happen, and sometimes we put them there. They can fall or we can make them fall.

[Sarah Doepner]

. . . Sometimes barriers just happen, and sometimes we put them there. They can fall or we can make them fall.

Nicole, this is exactly the reason behind the post. If we can identify the nature of our barriers we can begin to address them. It may not solve the issue but understanding our priorities and how they relate to those barriers can take away much of the frustration we face.