does your wife fear you going "native"?

[sara66]

One of the first questions our SO have when we come out is if we want to become a woman. For me this to a big NO. I enjoy my dressing time way too much. I do not want it to become a chore.
The other day my wife came home and noticed that the shades were down. She asked if had had been dressing, I said yes. She gave my that look. she aid she thinks I am dressing too much on impulse, when I tend to plan ahead when dressing. I think she is afraid I am goin to go all native. Have anyone else had this experience?

[Julie1123]

I think this is a very legit concern. That what we do will someday consume everything they love about us and we'll be completely different. It's difficult to address these concerns because all we can really say is that we don't think it will progress further. From the two most common experiences I read about, they either get this dropped on them after being with someone for years and years which can lead to some vertigo and mistrust, "Is he still not telling me everything?" or they're along for the ride the whole way and they witness it progressing further and further and they worry about where it will stop. It takes a long time to find the comfort zone and for things to level off and even then there are no guarantees because even though in general people tend to stay the same, the details are always changing.

I think this is my SOs main concern. That it will progress to the point where she can no longer handle being with me and she'll lose me because of it.

[sara66]

Julie,
I think you are correct. No matter that we tell them this is something we have done for 20,30 or more years, they seen to think it is a progression. I am 50 years old and I have good understanding of who I am. If I were TS I feel I would have realized it years ago. I am just a dude in a dress.
Sara

[Krisi]

I can only guess that by "going native", you mean having surgery and living as a woman full time. If not, please explain.

I think that for most of us married crossdressers, the first two things our wives asked us are "Are you gay?" and "Do you want to become a woman?"

For most of us, the answer to both questions is "No."

[BillieAnneJean]

"Have anyone else had this experience?"

There aren't many possibilities that someone or many have not experienced. Like nothing new under a he sun kind of thing.

But it is good that we have a place to discuss.

And no, you are not alone.

Just don't keep secrets from her, keep the communications open, and be sensitive to her fears.

[Joni T]

Have anyone else had this experience?

The short answer is '' No''.
Jon

[Meghan4now]

What???????, my answer is yes. My wife worries about that shift to the left. Most CDs I've spoken to about this question also have experienced this concern from their spouse. For ladies who have decided to transition, the spouse was well justified!

This is a legitimate concern, even if the answer is "not going to happen"

[Krististeph]

We've considered this- so yes, she has concerns. But we have talked about it and no. I would not do something that would draw undue attention, nor is it necessary for me to live reasonably.

So she assists/advises when i want to go out non-male. We decide the limits and such as a team, we are married- and really do care for each other. So we work it out based on our own limits- she is rather shy, so nothing exposes her to undue attention.

This is a hard question that every TG needs to address. It is not easy or fun, but it does make life better.

Get the answers out in the open.

[NicoleScott]

I did my third and final purge before marrying my wife 22 years ago, thinking the urges would go away....you know how that always turns out....
We were in bed, I was watching TV and she was reading a magazine article that had some aspect of crossdressing. She started a conversation, and soon asked if I ever did it (yes) did I like it (yes) do you ever want to do it again (yes). SO DO IT! With her support and company, I started shopping the next day. We talked a lot in the days and weeks that followed. I told her everything - my early desires, early dabbling, starting to accumulate, finally achieving full transformation, what drove my dressing, where this was going, etc. Surprisingly, she never had a problem with my preferred OTT style. I answered all her questions, starting with the "big 2". My dressing is very compartmentalized. Before and after a dressup session, I'm rather normal and enjoy being her husband, a dad, yardman, mechanic, handyman, hunter and fisherman. No progression here, no slippery slope of securing her acceptance for what she knows now and bumping it up a little hoping for a little more acceptance. She knew it all from the start. Works for us.

[XdressingSlave]

I have been dressing for 10+ years with my wife's knowledge. She has never asked me if I actually wanted to become a woman until we started to watch "I am Cait". I do not have any urges to go that far, I just enjoy dressing up and hopefully passing as one from time to time.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Yes, she has asked me that question specifically tailored to life post retirement.

It was a good question and one I don't have a firm answer for yet.

I know that I do not want to "go native" or 24/7. I've never doubted that I am a guy. Transitioning is not in my future.

That being said, how Linda will mesh into retirement is still a question I'm wrestling with.

[Teresa]

Sara,
I don't understand the connection between not becoming a woman and enjoying the dressing too much for that problem to become a chore. I think you need to fully understand your needs if you give answers like that .By going native I assume your wife fears you wanting to transition, I do realise that some Cders don't dress that often to feel the deep need to become TS.
I know I've been through the hiding and secrecy as many of us have and that factor often induces an attitude to grab the time when you can, so it appears to her you're dressing more because you do it every time she leaves the house. It's why eventually we feel the need to end the DADT situation and be totally out and accepted, you will then dress as you feel the need rather than grabbing the opportunities and feeling guilty about it.

[Taylor186]

Sara's comment about not wanting dressing to become a chore rings true to me. A few years back I got the OK to attend a nearby monthly CD social/support group. After a few months the euphoria wore off and I found having to get fully dressed the second Saturday of each month became a not-so-enjoyable chore. First I started skipping meetings and then stopped going altogether. I was a lot happier. The people were great and I learned a lot about CDing and CDers but eventually the pain outweighed the gain.

After 16 years of marriage my wife, and I, know that I'm not on the slippery slope but occasionally her doubt returns when something hits the news, like Caitlin Jenner. (Caitlin and I are within 4 months of the same age, but I'm younger .) I reassure her I'm not on the slope, and life goes on.

[NicoleScott]

The "becoming a chore" thing baffles me. When the yard needs mowing but I don't feel like mowing it, its a chore. (Just an example - I actually enjoy mowing. Sitting on a rider for an hour and a half). There have been threads that go "I'm a CDer but lately I haven't felt like dressing. What's wrong with me?" Weird. My activities (CDing) define me (CDer) not being a CDer determines what I should be doing. You (we) don't have to dress. For me, the enjoyment starts when the transformation begins (makeup). The process is fun, not a chore to get to the finished transformation. So it's never a chore. There are times I don't feel like it, do I just don't begin.

[nikkiwindsor]

As I shared in other posts, I expressed my gender fluid ways with my wife before we were married. To this day, she does occasionally ask me if I want to transition full-time. While I do have gender dysphoria it's not to the point that I want or need to transition. I feel both masculine and feminine. And I prefer my feminine self. I don't consider myself a female born in a physically male body. So, I explain the truth that I don't want to transition. I just express truthfully who I am. If I felt otherwise or changed in some way, I'd just have to share the reality as it exists at that time and work through it together wherever it took us.

[gina shiney]

Actually my wife has never asked me that question. We have had discussions on my underdressing but only after I took her to one of my psychologists session's. The underdressing hasn't been a big issue for her, it's more mine.

[Tina_gm]

Does every single partner have this fear? no, but I am pretty certain at some point most do, or at least have concern or reservations about it. They need to look no farther than Caitlyn Jenner or Kristen Beck. If they transitioned, what would ever make any wife of a CDer have any confidence that their partner won't. Chances are, both CJ and KB were at least in appearance more masculine than their partner ever is/was. Look at old videos of CJ back in her Olympic days. Pounding weights, buffed out, acting quite masculine. And KB a member of seal team 6???

What often happens with us is that once we cross the threshold of acceptance and reveal, we progress more toward wherever it is on the spectrum. Now, generically, and this is just a damn generic way of putting it, no eye rolling thank you very much... let's say we are 50-50 on the spectrum. But the reality of our life is we will probably never make it to presenting and being 50-50. We are probably more like 90-10 (honesty and reality please) of how we appear and live our life. But over time, we progress to 80-20... 70-30.... and while WE are not actually progressing to a different point on the TG spectrum inwardly, outwardly we are. That is what our partners will see, and if the above mentioned transitioned, a CDer who is progressing outwardly, well, that certainly will make it more likely that it may happen.

If that is not enough, if any of our partners have read any trans people's stories, have been on here, guess what, 4 years ago someone was just a CDer and that's all they were, blah blah blah. Now oh guess what, now they are on HRT, getting a legal name change, coming out at work and yes, are looking at GRS, and some have already gone and dun it, and are now women inside and out, when once a handful of years ago on here, they were "just a CDer"

Yes, my wife has had thoughts about me in this regard. And how with all of the above can I really make her feel secure that it won't happen?? I can't. All I can do is tell her how I am feeling about it right now.

[WandaRae2009]

My wife has the same fear, even though I have told her no many times. I have wanted to go to a support group, but she just keeps saying know, and she has said, she is afraid they are going to convince me to transition. There are many of us that dressing is all we want. I really don't feel that I was born in the wrong body and the level that I just couldn't go on if I didn't transition.

[Jazzy Jaz]

Though I "went native" (tsk tsk) before I was born, I don't expect that I will physically transition in this lifetime. However, it would be a dream come true if I could shapeshift or change at will. My GF knows I'm a 50/50 mix and has been quite supportive so far so all is well between us.

[pamela7]

Having gone native that fear has realised, but the thing is, here only 1%, maybe 0.1% or less, go to transition, and here is only 1% of CD'ers, so the probability of a CD transitioning is tiny, but the fear blows it out of proportion in the mind of the SO. Reassuring won't help much; in the end she needs to see some real stats to put it into perspective. Either she gives you rope and you hang yourself by overdoing CD'ing, or she controls and it might even get worse. There's no real silver bullet for it; the question is "what's the worst thing that can happen?"

[LeslieSD]

I like your analogy, Gendermutt. Suppose that I am a 50/50, I started (and am still at) 2/98. If condition permits, I will probably move on to 10/90, or 20/80. That itself to a bystander would look like I have 10 folded my female time, and are still progressing. It sure look and sound scary. But indeed I am a 50/50, and I haven't even get that point yet.

The point is there is no way for a spouse to judge where we are going from looking at our progression. So I guess that the fear of seeing it go all "native" is a real fear and needs to be answered.

But do we know where we are (without first getting there and find the equilibrium)?

[Krisi]

It's a common myth that crossdressing is a step to transition and surgery and it is sometimes perpetuated on this forum. This is why our wives ask the question.

I think that for most of us there is no "progression" except that we get better at choosing clothing, makeup, wigs, etc. We are crossdressers, plain and simple. We put on our stuff for a while, then revert back to the men that we are and fix the plumbing or the car and do our male thing in the bedroom. Having been on this forum for a while, I know that many of us have been crossdressers for twenty or thirty years or more and not made a move towards transition.

We could do ourselves and our crossdressing friends a big favor by not perpetuating this myth.

[grace7777]

Now the probability of a crossdresser transitioning is very low, but I think it is probably a lot higher for a crossdresser than someone who does not crossdress. So, just the act of crossdressing has increased the odds, even though it is still very low.

It's a common myth that crossdressing is a step to transition and surgery and it is sometimes perpetuated on this forum.

We could do ourselves and our crossdressing friends a big favor by not perpetuating this myth.

I do not think this myth is perpetuated intentionally on this forum. Now, there are ones here who have transitioned, in the process of transitioning, or who are considering transitioning. I am one who is considering transitioning. I started out as a crossdresser, but have discovered that I am much more, that I am further along on the spectrum than I initially thought. Also, I have never claimed my story to be typical of all crossdressers, and most people on this forum who are in the categories above have not claimed their story to be typical for crossdressers. As I mentioned in all likelihood the probability of a crossdresser transitioning is higher than that of a non crossdresser, so this is just something that people who CD, and are married or have a significant other have to deal with. So some of us on this forum telling our stories and also the news media covering people like Caitlyn Jenner is going to make some spouses believe this myth. We could censor talk of transitioning but I do not even think that would solve it. Also, I am very opposed to censorship.

In my opinion, the best way for someone to convince a spouse they do not want to transition is for their spouse to see them as trustworthy. That is why I believe in disclosure. One needs to be honest about their crossdressing with their spouse or significant other. If they find out on their own, then to them you have lost all credibility and no matter how good the evidence you cite, they will not believe you do to lack of trust.

[wendy]

For me, using the word 'fear' may not be right, but my wife has asked me on a few occasions if I want to transition over. I cannot tell what her reaction would be if I say yes, but in all honesty, I have no desire to transition to a woman. I just enjoy my time CDing.

[Diversity]

My wife suggested that I should have a private room to dress in whenever I felt the urge. All I need do is let her know so she does not walk in on me. To date I have not claimed a room. I just steal dressing times when she is out of the house.
When I retire, I may take her up on the room idea, however.
Di