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Thread: Question from wife of CD about trust & memories of your first time dressing

  1. #26
    Gender adventurer JamieG's Avatar
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    Maz, I can't speak for your husband, but I can add my story to the others you have already heard. I don't remember my first time dressing exactly, but I know it was in my tween years and involved tights I found in a box of old clothes my parents had stored in the back of my closet. From there I moved on to my mom's pantyhose, skirts, and swimsuits. I was deep in the closet until two years after I got married. I thought it would go away, but as we started to settle into our home together, the access to my wife's clothes (especially former Halloween costumes) was too tempting. I finally opened up to her, and it nearly broke us up. Like you, she said the CDing wasn't so much a problem as the secrecy. It took a long time (years) for me to regain her trust. It was also very hard for me to start being honest about CDing. For so many years I had gotten so good at hiding at denying it (as is necessary for survival, at least socially, if not physically), that it was hard to break the habit. If I had some time at home alone, she'd return and ask me, "Did you dress while I was out?" My gut instinct was immediately to state "NO!" but I had to force myself to be honest and say, "Yes, a little."

    Our relationship now is stronger than it was before I came out, and although my wife prefers not to see me dressed, we can talk and joke about it. We are approaching our 15th anniversary, and she has known that I am a CD for 13 of those years. I have no intentions of transitioning, but yes, I could see myself dressing more often once the kids move out (many years from now).

  2. #27
    Senior Member Amanda M's Avatar
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    Welcome Maz - I am astounded by your compassion for other CD folks on th forum, when you have so many doubts about your own situation.

    The driving force behind people deceiving about their dressing is 99% of the time fear. Abject terror. Will she be disgusted with me, hate me? Will she leave me, this person I love? I do not believe it is deceit for the sake of deceipt, but it must feel that way to the other party. Stay stron and keep communicating.

    Big hug,
    Amanda
    If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got!

  3. #28
    Aspiring Member Mykaa's Avatar
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    Well Maz I was 4-5 when I started and it was at my Grandma's with boots, I cant be much more specific than that, that was a long time ago being Im almost 49 now, I know I got caught at a friend of my parents house with my aunts stiletto knee highs one time, I dont remember much about that other than I got caught wearing them. So this started with boots for me and has progressed into almost everything else, I own pretty much any clothing item you can think of, I started with nail strengthener last year on my toenails ( they were splitting down the middle, I decided I needed to do something about that, hangnails, had nothing to do with cd) I did buy regular polish soon after, I started painting with the colors about the time I joined the forum.
    So Maz you see I do think this started as a fetish for me, that is a sexual attraction to womens attire. I also have realized that isnt all that drives this cd thing for me. I also dress as stress release, I find I can relax as it takes my mind from whatever causes the stress. I do enjoy the look and feel of the attire. So do I desire to be more than I am? No Im happy being me. I do enjoy being a guy as well as being able to dress and express me. I did recently go to a public support group meeting for trans women, I can definitely tell you thats not me or something I wish to do. I wear androgynous clothes out, I wear bootcut jeans, yes panties to go with as they just go together. I wear a belt to go with, have worn blouses also, I have womens western boots, hard to tell with the style, they have 2 1/2 inch heels I own both brown and black. I own womens puma sneakers I wear out also, I appear well dressed and have even gotten attention from women dressed this way. I do pick what I wear out based on how it looks to me. I look good so its a yes.Will I progress in what I choose to wear out of the house, I can say most likely yes, I have never been out "en Femme" before. There is a lot of shame that goes with this habit, I can tell you its very hard to talk about to a point, My ex has taken me to court twice over this to "get things she wants" , I beat her last go.
    I have built up immunity to discussing these things, Im not ashamed anymore. Society is not tolerant of this behavior in general. Fear, fear of acceptance makes this hard as men we are supposed to "be certain things in life". It takes time for someone to open up about such deep issues I think. Many people here are afraid to do more than just talk on the forum. I dont have that fear. I accepted me when I joined, I let all the bad feelings go. I am finally free, I am happy. I am redefining me. My end goal = making some new friends I can be me with and not be judged and putting myself out there to find a gal who accepts me as I am. Im learning to be confident again, get my self esteem back and actually live instead of hiding.
    Mykaa is me! Discovering Peace throughout from the Girl within.
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  4. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by mumpossible View Post
    I am trying to understand how i might be able to work out of my husband is 'just' a CD or is really wanting to be/is a woman. His CD urge (is that the right word?) is getting stronger and more frequent in the last few years.
    Neither you, nor anyone else, is really going to know whether or not your spouse is going to transition until they do it, or just before they do it. I started 3 years ago. I'd never been out of the house dressed, and I really had rather a paltry collection of items compared to most here. Most here thought I was a fetish dresser, whatever that means.

    Quote Originally Posted by mumpossible View Post
    I have read lots about people not knowing they were transgender until they begin to explore their gender more fully. He's on his early 40s, dressed in secret for as long as he can recall, with periods of stopping/starting. But he did not own any clothes of her own, or dress fully before I found out almost 2 yrs ago, ...
    I have no idea why I survived that first year. I was in very deep denial, until I realized just how much trouble I was in. It's safe to say I hadn't explored my gender at all. Three short months after joining this site, I attempted suicide, and realized transition was my only hope of survival, and that it wasn't an especially good hope.

    Quote Originally Posted by mumpossible View Post
    So, I have some trust issue because he deceived me for a long time (16 years) and is possibly still not fully opening up because i might not reach well. So even though he says he is definitely a CD only, i have a little trouble believing that because 1) He might be in denial and not know yet and 2) he might be lying.
    You were deceived. I deceived my wife. I didn't talk about my gender issues until I came out to her. I came out to her only because I realize that my death could well be imminent.

    If it helps your trust, understand that we are told we are perverts. That the things we do are shameful. That we are freaks. That we are not even really human beings. That the feelings we have, such incredibly powerful feelings, are completely invalid, unreal, and that we are delusional. We are told we are unworthy of love. We are told we are lucky if we aren't savagely beaten or murdered. We are told we don't even deserve to use a public restroom.

    I suspect if you were told those things about some part of yourself, you might feel serious temptation to keep that part of you a secret. I mean, who can believe that our feelings about who and what we are, are more valid than the opinions of the entire rest of the world? We're certainly not taught that.

    I'm not trying to let them off the hook for not telling you. They should've done that, and faced the music. Of course you could have outed them, blackmailed them, all manner of things. So perhaps you should ponder why they didn't trust you. And it may be all their issue. But some of it may be you too. Again - not trying to let them off the hook. They did what they did. Whether or not they should feel the massive guilt that they likely feel for being the way they are sort of depends on your perspective. Society told them they should feel awful. But I have to ask, why is something so harmless treated as such a shameful thing? These are things to think about.

    Quote Originally Posted by mumpossible View Post
    I read recently that early experiences of dressing, in terms of thoughts emotions etc, are one way to work out if the person has gender dysphoria or just likes CDressing. he claims to not remember his first time at all.
    None of that is relevant in my opinion, and I know a LOT of people who've transitioned, as I am a leader in the trans community in my area. Looking at positive signs is useless, generally, save for the case where, over a period of time, the trans person spends more and more time presenting as a woman, until they realize they are a woman, and switching back and forth makes no sense. This tends to be gradual. And it is the LEAST of your worries, because it is not, in my experience, the most common way this happens.

    What you really need to pay attention to isn't the positive stuff - actions, dressing, etc. You need to pay attention to the negative stuff, the stuff below the surface, the anger, the depression, the anxiety. If that stuff is alleviated by their dressing, if when you look into their eyes, and you see misery and hopelessness, as if death would be a mercy, then they are likely to either transition, or attempt suicide because they don't feel they can. This can happen VERY rapidly, or quite slowly. It is totally unpredictable.

    We can't know the future, as much as most of us would like to Maz. I do wish you and your spouse well, and I want you to know that while I talked about their feelings, I know that yours are real, and that you feel hurt, and that those feelings are real, and they are valid. I know you are afraid for the future, and that is understandable. You are not a bad person for feeling the way you feel. And again, I am definitely not asking you to give them a pass - there is probably a LOT of things they need to talk to you about, or otherwise deal with. I simply want you to understand that we live in a world that doesn't value honesty - not really - and so your spouse had every reason to omit the truth. It's also not the case that I don't feel that a gradual sort of slide into transition is any better or easier on you than the second case I outlined - "transition or die". It's just you are likely to have a lot more time to think about things, and to prepare yourself.

    Neither of you have any power over this. None. If they are going to transition, you won't stop them, and if you do somehow stop them, they'll eventually probably reach the "transition or die" stage.

    What I think you can do is consider how you'd feel if they did transition. Would you stay with them? Would it be too much? (Either answer is OK - you are who you are.) Just know there are probably ways to stay together and work around this. Consider, if you can find it, couple's therapy with someone who understands gender at least some, or a support group for spouses, if you can find it. Even if you can't stay together ultimately - and I hope that is never the case - you'll be better prepared emotionally to handle the breakup, should it happen. And again, you may not need to breakup. So don't lose hope. Work on stuff together. Be honest with them, encourage them to be honest with you. Be vulnerable first. Those are all positive actions you can take that will help your marriage, regardless of whether or not your spouse transitions.

    BTW, the earliest memories I have that are gender related involve my dismay over the differences between my body and my sister's. How badly using gender segregated facilities bothered me growing up and into my adult life. I started crossdressing when I was about 10. The other things I mentioned were MUCH younger - 3 or 4. I have a VERY good memory, and it started young for me.
    Last edited by PaulaQ; 05-14-2016 at 05:53 AM.

  5. #30
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    Hi Maz , Welcome to our forum, When you are here you are home.

    I am 73 and I've been in this program for 69yrs. now I really don't understand it but I totally enjoy it.

    My wonderfulwife of over 52yrs. doesn't understand it either but she tolerates it, It's a DA/Dt kind of thinggie.

    It's just who I am and it's just what I do......
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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  6. #31
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    My husband also confuses me. He is a cross dresser but I have a feeling it runs deeper. I am trying to keep the lines of communication open but after all of the previous lies it's hard to figure out what is real.

  7. #32
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    Sally, for most CDers, something does run deeper. There are some who really just have some sexual fetish for it, some others who just have this occasional need to be someone else, enjoy the physical sensations for a night or weekend, and it isn't something that happens often. When it isn't happening, they are usually ok just being the regular guy.

    Many CDers do fit into a something deeper category. It is why we do it in the 1st place. Something in their personal gender identity. It may or may not be that they are internally a woman. Gender fluid/dual gender, perhaps non binary. A feeling or connection to both, or neither perhaps. For some it is a constant mix, for others, it varies, sometimes connecting more masculine, sometimes more feminine.

    Just because someone get to an acceptance of themselves that they allow themselves to CD, does not mean that denial is not an issue. It is also likely that once past the denial repression stage, they will learn more about themselves. It is a discovery process. It may take years for this to occur. PaulaQ is someone who went from zero to woman very quickly. Many will never get all the way to internally identifying as a woman. Simply because it isn't a place they can ever be. Some may go to their grave denying it, but for most, it just isn't where they are at in terms of identity. It is though, very very confusing for us who are in the transgender spectrum at times.

    The 5 stages of grief- most have heard of it. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Many who are transgender go through a version of this I believe. I definitely did. I went back and forth through the 1st 4 for 30 years before finally hitting acceptance. Mosstly denial though. And even when acceptance finally starts to come through, it doesn't all just come through like a light switch. More like a dimmer switch that slowly get brighter and brighter, until finally the other stages are mostly gone. Mine are mostly gone at this point. I no longer have any denial, although once in a great while I still feel a sense of anger, a why me feeling. I do sometimes get a feeling of depression, but not to a clinical point. I used to bargain like crazy, just make me normal God, and I will do whatever you want me to do.

    He may be lying still, or maybe he really just doesn't know, and tries to come up with some answer. If you ask a question like how far will this go, how much would you dress if you had no limitations, the answer, I don't know, is scary, both to you I am sure, but to him as well.
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  8. #33
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    I began at about age 5 or 6.
    Mom's panties at first, then a bra as well. In my teens I got my first "outfit" and some makeup (and looked terrible I'm sure). Many times I purged due to guilt and shame but always returned. It took decades for me to realize and accept this is part of me. How much a part I still don't know.
    I hid from my wife out of fear. Fear she would leave me, fear she would tell everyone, and of course the old guilt and shame issues. I didn't feel I was cheating on her or lying to her as much as I was stealing time from her. When she might want to do something I'd decline, she would go alone and I would use the time to dress. Eventually she found out and we talked, cried and talked some more. It was the wrong time so I swore to quit (we all know how that works) and went back into hiding. Well, fast forward to about 10 years ago and I had had enough. I couldn't hide anymore and confessed everything.
    More talking and crying but things were different. She gave me the benefit of the doubt, accepted me and allowed me to be who I am. We've gone out everywhere together, bought each other clothes, share clothes and makeup tips. I'm finally being me after all these years.

    At first there was this rush of emotion. The open door and freedom were like drugs. I became unsure where I was going. Was I really TS? It took some time and the dust has settled. While there are times I wish I was TS I know I am not. I am more than CD, but less than TS so while I'm farther along the spectrum than most I'm not at the point of transition.
    I'm finally truly happy. I'm able to be whole. I do the male things when needed and express my female side when I wish to.

    Give him time to find his way. When that closet door opens the lights are so bright and attractive they become distracting. It takes a while to find the path you should be on as opposed to the one you've fantasized about for ages. Walk with him, hold his hand, share his love and remember that for so long we've had only ourselves to talk to. Sharing with someone else is new and strange and takes time to be comfortable with.
    Can you see the REAL Me?

  9. #34
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    Maz, I'm pretty close to where gendermutt is at. Started at 5 or 6, a few distant memories of wearing mom's pantyhose including getting caught. Trying her heels and other clothing. Stopping for few years during high school. Then sneaking my sister's stuff.

    I've been with my wife for 25 years. I'm mid 40's now. I told her about the cd'ing after about 6 months together, she was accepting of lingerie in the bedroom, but about a year into the relationship I asked her to put makeup on me and the result freaked her out. I was (and still am!) madly in love with her, so I surpressed everything but lingerie in the bedroom around her for the next 20 some odd years. Life was and still is really busy, but occasionally I would dress up in her clothes or use a bit of her makeup without her knowledge.

    A few months ago, with too much free time on my hands (bad cold staying home from work), for whatever reason I felt drawn to reading CD and trans stuff on the web. And at some point I realized that I had been in denial. That I had been a lifelong crossdresser, that my gender identity did not align 100% with my sex and under common definition this meant I was transgendered in some respect. Which kinda blew my mind.

    After a couple days ruminating about it I decided to tell my wife everything, which was hard but I'm glad I did. She was initially freaked as well with the common questions: was I gay (no)and did I want to transition(No, but the thought crossed my mind often in my early 20's). I'm sure she still wonders in the back of her mind if that's a future possibility.

    I also use the kubler Ross 5 stages- I've moved to acceptance for the most part. but I'm not always happy about it. Our current status is she is supportive- I have free reign to wear her clothes, she helps with makeup and we shop together for girl stuff for me. I fully dressed for the first time with a wig a month or so ago. we were both apprehensive about her seeing me given the experience 25 years ago, but she was ok with it after seeing me. we have some mutually agreed upon limits. not out to the kids, neighbors, friends etc. she knows I'm on here and the local TG yahoo group. I can go out dressed if I want but not near home or in a way that could jeapordize my career or out me. those are reasonable and I agree with them. When the career is not an issue the limits may change.

    I wasn't totally comfortable being dressed around her. I forced myself to call her into the room and to try to have a normal conversation, but it was friggin weird. I think it's going to take time. And he likely feels weird speaking about it with you. I spent 40 years being paranoid that if I exhibited any feminine gestures or speech, everyone would guess I was a closet tranny. As far as I can tell I was and still am really good at being on the DL. As others have written, for those of us in our 40's, being a CD back in our youth meant you were a freakish pervert. So the notion that now I've accepted that part me I'll let my freak flag fly and be totally comfortable talking about my transgendered gender expression ain't gonna happen overnight. It was a huge deal for me to register here and post my introduction. I like the pillsbury biscuit analogy, my can is just beginning to pop and I'm not sure what the end result will look like, but I'm comfortable in my life and don't have the dysphoria I've read about those that transition do.

    Give him space, let him know you want him to be honest, and tell him in response you expect him accept you have feelings about it too, that might not always be totally supportive. Most of us are what we are. we didn't choose it, we don't know why, but it is what it is. and we can control how we express it within limits that work for our significant others*. As Jennifer put it, cross dressing is weird, we know it's weird, but that doesn't mean it's negative. it is what it is. and you're entitled to feel what you feel about it.


    *disclaimer that was a generalization and others experiences may vary, might not agree and could feel differently, that I acknowledge and agree and please conserve space on the internets by not replying if my disclaimer has covered it.
    Last edited by Nikki.; 05-14-2016 at 11:03 PM.

  10. #35
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    Nikki_P : Very well said. I sign right under this too (mid 30s, very similar story, started at age 5). This forum really saved me. I am happy for teenagers of today with access to all the info on this. I also recommend spouse and CD the book on Amazon - "My husband wears my clothes" - written by a spoue of CD. Excellent read for wives/families and frankly all of us.

  11. #36
    Junior Member mumpossible's Avatar
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    Thank you all for your comments. My husband and I had a long talk, after i head read all your replies. I realised I was holding on to my distrust in an unhealthy way, and we realised we have to work on communication. Things are better- and i feel i understand a little more now.
    I think the most difficult part about this, for me, is that there is no-one i can talk to about this. So my thoughts and fears churn around in my head until i drive myself crazy. So we are working on our communication- but thank you all for taking the time to respond, it really has helped.

  12. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by mumpossible View Post
    I think the most difficult part about this, for me, is that there is no-one i can talk to about this. So my thoughts and fears churn around in my head until i drive myself crazy. So we are working on our communication- but thank you all for taking the time to respond, it really has helped.
    That is one of the worst things for the spouse / SO / family member / parent of a trans person. Even if they feel they can talk to others (which is often NOT the case), nobody they know has ever been through this, so they really don't get very useful support. If you were in the Dallas / Ft Worth area, I'd tell you to PM me and I'd give you details on the support group I lead for trans people and their spouses. If there are any such groups in your area, I'd strongly encourage you to go to them. And if you aren't seeing a counselor who understands gender issues, you might want to do that too, possibly as a couple. And please know that your feelings are valid. Your first impulses about what to do about your feelings may not be the best choice, but the feelings themselves are real, and you have to deal with them. And I know that's hard. I wish you and your spouse the best.

  13. #38
    Junior Member mumpossible's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PaulaQ View Post
    That is one of the worst things for the spouse / SO / family member / parent of a trans person. Even if they feel they can talk to others (which is often NOT the case), nobody they know has ever been through this, so they really don't get very useful support. If you were in the Dallas / Ft Worth area, I'd tell you to PM me and I'd give you details on the support group I lead for trans people and their spouses. If there are any such groups in your area, I'd strongly encourage you to go to them. And if you aren't seeing a counselor who understands gender issues, you might want to do that too, possibly as a couple. And please know that your feelings are valid. Your first impulses about what to do about your feelings may not be the best choice, but the feelings themselves are real, and you have to deal with them. And I know that's hard. I wish you and your spouse the best.
    Thank you so much Paula. We have been looking into counselling, but it is a little complicated in our area because there are not many counselors with experience of gender issues. I think we are going to try couple counselling now, even if there is not a Counsellor with experience of gender issues locally, we need to work on communication and trust, because these are our issues, dressing itself is not really the problem.

  14. #39
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    You also have us to ask questions and talk to. I wish you and your husband well.
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    Junior Member mumpossible's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kate Simmons View Post
    You also have us to ask questions and talk to. I wish you and your husband well.
    Thank you, that is really sweet.
    You may regret saying that though- I think I'm going to have a LOT of questions

  16. #41
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    Never a problem my friend.
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  17. #42
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    Maz - Billy Joel's song "A Matter Of Trust" comes to mind. BTW, my hearing is fading and I keep getting "... a matter of trucks.."

    My thoughts - like yours - are about trust.

    Cross dressing can be a very, very, very hard thing to open up about. For me it is something that has been inside me in some way from my formative years. So, intertwined with it is also an associated feeling from my youth that it MUST be hidden - especially from family who loved me and are close to me.

    Eventually discovering that I could open up this must-be-hidden part of my life to my wife took courage and was transformative. It took abiding trust and faith in her to be able to be able do this - and even then it was hard. But a deep and hidden barrier between us is gradually disappearing. In it's place is a growing respect each others needs and boundaries around cross dressing. It can be a two-steps-forward, one-step-back process....

    FYI - I recently read an article - a primer perhaps? - from a Baptist minister who was working at generally understanding transgender issues. It could be helpful as a framework. The article is titled "Seven things I’m learning about transgender persons..."
    https://baptistnews.com/2016/05/13/s...ender-persons/
    127 124 106 077

  18. #43
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    Hi Maz and welcome to this forum. If you have the stamina you will find a lot of information here that may be of help to you. Unfortunatley the literature on cross dressing and transsexualism is sparse and in my opinion, mostly inconclusive. That said it is worth exploring, just don't expect definitive answers. I found an edition of "MY Husband Betty" just the other day and that is one book that might be of help to you. You can get it on Amazon or Barnes and Noble.

    My first memory of being dressed as a female is a very intense one and one that is still paramount in my memory. The events and my emotional responses to that event, which occurred when I was probably around five years old, are very strong. I have been impressed from reading the stories of other members that this is true for most of them also, but not all.

    Hiding and deceit seem to be a large part of the cross dressing experience and I believe that a lot of that has to do with society's attitudes toward cross dressing. It is still considered abnormal and shameful by a large percentage of our society. Gays responded in a similar way at a time when having strong homosexual feelings was openly despised by many people and was even illegal. That has changed in the last few decades and so admitting homosexual leanings is no longer a great difficulty for most gays. Cross dressing is several decades behind but that is changing fast especially among the younger cohorts of society.

    I would guess that this site is frequented by a high proportion of cross dressers who, during teens and early twenties, thought that their cross dressing was not a strong or permanent thing while in contrast they had very strong feelings for someone of the opposite sex. When the cross dressing desires did not diminish and indeed seemed to grow in intensity, they felt embarrassed and ashamed and that lead to denial and deceit unfortunately. I think the denial is not just to the world but is also internal. What this particular cross dresser did not understand was that the desire to cross dress not only failed to diminish but grew and changed with time.

    I think your SO needs some help to overcome his likely feelings of guilt and embarrassment. He needs to be drawn out so that he not only reveals more to you but also reveals it to himself. For me the hardest part was to look at my cross dressing needs objectively and honestly. I was partly in denial to myself.

    Looking back I wish I had been able to find a counsellor who understood cross dressing and could lead me through that process. They are out there but there aren't many. I once went to a very good and sympathetic psychologist who helped me a lot with issues around depression but was not of much use in helping me understand my cross dressing. If you can find someone who can act as a catalyst to opening up it would be a major step forward.

    I wish you every good wish for success. You are working hard on this I can see and I hope your spouse appreciates that.

  19. #44
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    Hi,I'm Michelle! I fully understand what your husband is going through,because I am the same way.I love to be a guy,but I also have a curiousity of what it would feel like
    to be dressed in womens clothes,which are much lighter,silky soft,like pantyhose.I began to indulge my curiousity by secretly wearing my mothers clothes.I would secretly order
    panties&pantyhose online&have it delivered to another CD'friend's house.I began to wear mothers dresses&shoes each morning after she left for work,I would put on beige
    pantyhose&pick a dress&heels out of mothers closet&spend the morning dressed&I would close all the curtains&windows in the house.As time passed I began trying on all
    of her skirts,suits,blouses,dress slacks&practiced walking in heels I saved many outfits she was going to donate to charity&I still love to watch her shop&buy new clothes&I get
    a chance to try them on,as well
    "Love&Kisses"
    Michelle

  20. #45
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mumpossible View Post

    Do other people remember their first time vividly- and am i crazy thinking their is some deeper reason he can't/won't remember? by deeper reason i mean fear of admitting how frequent it is/was, or fear of admitting it was more than just popping on some clothes for a quick..erm..bit of relief? So, is he in deep denial, a liar or just really bad at remembering things?
    actually we remember the first time we remember. It may or may not have been the first time doing it. Many of us remember a non-sexual time we dressed as a first. So your statement above the quote is more correct. Usually there has to be something memorable...like losing your virginity or seeing color TV (Dang I'm old)

    Alternately maybe i just need to stop obsessing and work on my trust issues?
    stopping obsessing would make your life easier. But we all know that isn't going to happen. AND I won't say let it go because I know what you are going through and trying to let it go is a lot easier than ...letting it go. Trust is a very fragile thing. When you first start it's easy to build on it but when it crumbles it is hard to rebuild. All I can suggest is that you both work to make that wall stand again. But things will NEVER be the same or as easy as they were.

    Any advice gratefully received,
    Maz[/QUOTE]
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
    Chief Joseph
    Nez Perce



    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  21. #46
    Aspiring Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    I will first say that all of us are different. What my experiences were may be similar to some but each of us has different reactions. There is no one right answer.

    I've had urges to cross dress since I was a boy. I was jealous of the boys who got to dress up as girls for Halloween.

    I was in debate in high school and when we went to libraries to research the debate topic for the year I would often surreptitiously find some books on transvestism, and I realized that I was not the only one with these urges (obviously, long before Google). I was probably luckier than most, because I understood, for whatever reason, it was just the way I was wired. I knew I never wanted to be a girl, but just to dress like one.

    I was also shy around girls and the idea of being brave enough to put your kink cards on the table (see Dan Savage) was just hard to fathom. So guys tend to tuck the ideas away until they no longer can be hidden away.

    My wife knows I dress, but she can't share with anyone (she assumes people will feel sorry for her). In sharing my secret with her, she in turn has no one to offload to. That's probably unfair to her.

    So besides my wife, and a couple of ex-girl friends from 25+ years ago, the crossdressing side of me is hidden, like with most CDs.

    So what your SO is dealing with is a lot of these same issues, and guys in general aren't great at feelings or communicating them. In other words, he's probably pretty normal; something we can't explain why, but it's something that gives us pleasure of one form or another, and there generally aren't a lot of positives to disclosing it.

  22. #47
    Senior Member Jenny Doolittle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amy Fakley View Post
    I can certainly understand your desire to have a clearer vision of the future. You want to know where it's all headed because that affects you. Totally understandable.

    Unfortunately, at least in my experience of this, clarity is hard to come by for everyone involved. To directly answer your question ... I have no clear memory of the first time I dressed, nor of instances of whom I secretly borrowed clothes from along the way. For one thing, I'm also in 40s and that stuff was a long time ago ... I mean how many things do you clearly remember from when you were 5 or 6 years old?

    I do remember certain aspects though. I clearly recall feeling left out and sad when I asked my mom for cool clothes like the girls had after my first day of kindergarten, and I was told in no uncertain terms "that's not for you, you're a boy". To this day I remember that. I also remember a specific blouse that I used to borrow from my mother's closet, and a specific dress one of my girlfriends had in college. Can't remember the first time dressing in those things though.

    I will say this ... and this is definitely true of me, and I've read many similar accounts on the forum over the years ... there is an "expansion" nearly all of us experience after coming out.

    After I admitted everything to my wife (17 years into our marriage), and it turned out that she was so accepting and supportive, there was a little "girl explosion". I bought new clothes and shoes and my wife taught me how to do my makeup better and I finally spent real money on a good wig ... and BOOM! Amy was "born" in a way ...

    What I mean by that is that my feminine side had been made physically real in ways that simply were impossible before. And the closest person in my life still loved me, and accepted it ... and that made me very happy, but it also "expanded" that role in my day to day life, where my feminine side had been a closely guarded secret for literally all of my life up to that point. Naturally, I wanted to dress more often, and I thought about it more often. My wife also worried that I had been lying to her or that I didn't fully understand the extent of my transness.

    However, after a time it became apparent that those fears were not founded. I had moved no further along the trans spectrum than I had always been. It's just that barriers had been lifted and the pressure inside me released.

    For me it was like a tube of biscuits.
    I came out ... that was like knocking my tube of biscuits on the counter. The seal was broken, my contents expanded. With a little baking, I became the biscuit I always was on the inside. But I wasn't a muffin. I was still just a biscuit, lol.

    Hope that made sense, and I hope you and your SO find your balance :-)
    I LOVE your analogy.

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