Question from wife of CD about trust & memories of your first time dressing

[mumpossible]

Hi everyone,

I am new here- so hope this is the right place to ask this?

My husband is a CD, i've know for 2 years, and am supportive despite not fully understanding it all. we have been out dressed a few times, and i buy her things, help with make up etc.

So, i have been doing a lot of reading lately to get my head around all this, and have read a lot of accounts from CDs and women who are Transgender. I am trying to understand how i might be able to work out of my husband is 'just' a CD or is really wanting to be/is a woman. His CD urge (is that the right word?) is getting stronger and more frequent in the last few years. I have read lots about people not knowing they were transgender until they begin to explore their gender more fully. He's on his early 40s, dressed in secret for as long as he can recall, with periods of stopping/starting. But he did not own any clothes of her own, or dress fully before I found out almost 2 yrs ago, when I bought her first pair of shoes & dress. So the Kelly side of him is relatively new i think, even though he has CD for a long time?

So, I have some trust issue because he deceived me for a long time (16 years) and is possibly still not fully opening up because i might not reach well. So even though he says he is definitely a CD only, i have a little trouble believing that because 1) He might be in denial and not know yet and 2) he might be lying.

I read recently that early experiences of dressing, in terms of thoughts emotions etc, are one way to work out if the person has gender dysphoria or just likes CDressing. he claims to not remember his first time at all. to not remember even his first time dressing in my clothes. and cannot remember if he ever dressed in previous girlfriends clothes. i find this so hard to believe- because with all the fear and excitement that caused I kind of doubt it. Because I can believe that if you dress a lot you can’t recall exact moments- but I’m pretty sure something as significant as first trying on your mothers, sisters or girlfriends clothes would be something you must remember?

Do other people remember their first time vividly- and am i crazy thinking their is some deeper reason he can't/won't remember? by deeper reason i mean fear of admitting how frequent it is/was, or fear of admitting it was more than just popping on some clothes for a quick..erm..bit of relief? So, is he in deep denial, a liar or just really bad at remembering things?

Alternately maybe i just need to stop obsessing and work on my trust issues?

Any advice gratefully received,
Maz

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Maz, I definitely started dressing in my Mom's clothes when I was around 12. I can't forget that. Prior to that there was one incident when I was around 10 when I found an old dress in the closet that fit me. It was one my Uncle had worn one year for trick or treating. I put it on and ran around the neighborhood and the neighborhood ladies, probably thinking they were humiliating me, proceeded to tell me what I need to look nice. Panties, bra, slip, nylons, girdle, heels, makeup, hair done and jewelery and perfume. Problem is I didn't feel humiliated, rather I ate it up and felt good about it and that prospect stuck with me a long time.

I had every intention of transitioning when I got out of the Army but met my future wife and figured I could stop but the feelings are pretty powerful, so secretly CD'd until I finally came out to her openly. I had to find out who I was , so more or less lived the part. The result for myself was getting in touch with all of my feelings and accepting them and taking ownership of them, The only way I found to beat the dressing as a compulsion was to make it a total choice to do or not. That having been said I'm good with expressing both sides of myself and enjoying it.One has to be totally honest with oneself for it to work though. Hope that helped some.

[nvlady]

He is in his early forties so he has been hiding this for thirty years, and now you have known about it for two of those thirty years. He is still VERY reluctant to disclose everything because inside he is quite embarrassed about wanting to dress like a girl and being aroused when he does it. It is going to take time and patience on your part, but by his forties he most likely has reached his limit on how far he is going to take this. And yes, he remembers the first time he tried on your clothes and a previous girlfriends clothes, but it is embarrassing to him.

[Tina_gm]

Hi, and welcome to the forum. Yes, it is very possible he is still in denial about who he really is or wants, or that he could be lying to you. I am saying possible. He could be quite certain he knows exactly where he is on the spectrum. As far as not remembering, I find it odd at least, but not everyone's memory works the same. It could be because of those initial dress up times there was so much mental anguish going on he may have blocked those memories??? like how some people don't remember jumping out of a burning building or whatever. Not exactly the same, but the blocking mechanism is still there because of how intense the moment was and how traumatic it may be.

I was somewhat of a latecomer in that I didn't get my 1st real feeling/desire until I was a teenager. When I did, it hit me like a brick and I can remember it as if it was yesterday. There are some CDers who are not in any way confused by their identity, they are men no matter how dressed. Then there are TS women, who always internally identify as women. Many CDers are somewhere in the middle. A term that you may hear is gender fluid, and that is how I personally identify as. A gender fluid person feels a connection to both male and female. It may or may not vary as to how one is connecting, either more masculine or more feminine, often times due to our surroundings, but not always.

I am fairly certain that the life of someone who is TS is much more difficult, as they are entirely the opposite their birth gender and the frustration if not agony and torture of being in the wrong body is never ending. For people like me, it is not always so difficult, but it can be sometimes. And, while not as difficult of a life as that of someone who is TS, I think because it swings to both genders, perhaps more confusing. I think a big reason why I was in such deep denial and repressed it all from the age of 17 when I got my 1st cognitive feeling of wanting to be her, to the age of 48 when I waived the white flag and began acceptance of myself. (I am 51 now) It is because I do have a connection to being male, and because of that, felt I could purge the female from myself. I thought if I tried hard enough or did it right, I could be more manly, end the desires to dress. I was quite stubborn hanging on for 30 years.

He could possibly still be in a bit of a discovery phase. He may never feel a need to transition, but the "progression" is not an actual increasing of femininity, it is more of self acceptance which he will allow himself to be more authentic, to the point of where ever it is he is on the transgender spectrum.

[adrienner99]

He is lucky to have someone trying so hard to understand this phenomena. Despite many scholarly articles you can find I don't think anyone really understands CDing. It has many...variations, many levels of intensity...I started dressing at six or eight and remember it all well.. But figuring out where we are on the TG spectrum is confusing for all of us...even he may not know where he is....I am TS; I finally decided.....if that helps.

[Mykaa]

Well Maz I was 4-5 when I started and it was at my Grandma's with boots, I cant be much more specific than that, that was a long time ago being Im almost 49 now, I know I got caught at a friend of my parents house with my aunts stiletto knee highs one time, I dont remember much about that other than I got caught wearing them. So this started with boots for me and has progressed into almost everything else, I own pretty much any clothing item you can think of, I started with nail strengthener last year on my toenails ( they were splitting down the middle, I decided I needed to do something about that, hangnails, had nothing to do with cd) I did buy regular polish soon after, I started painting with the colors about the time I joined the forum.
So Maz you see I do think this started as a fetish for me, that is a sexual attraction to womens attire. I also have realized that isnt all that drives this cd thing for me. I also dress as stress release, I find I can relax as it takes my mind from whatever causes the stress. I do enjoy the look and feel of the attire. So do I desire to be more than I am? No Im happy being me. I do enjoy being a guy as well as being able to dress and express me. I did recently go to a public support group meeting for trans women, I can definitely tell you thats not me or something I wish to do. I wear androgynous clothes out, I wear bootcut jeans, yes panties to go with as they just go together. I wear a belt to go with, have worn blouses also, I have womens western boots, hard to tell with the style, they have 2 1/2 inch heels I own both brown and black. I own womens puma sneakers I wear out also, I appear well dressed and have even gotten attention from women dressed this way. I do pick what I wear out based on how it looks to me. I look good so its a yes.Will I progress in what I choose to wear out of the house, I can say most likely yes, I have never been out "en Femme" before. There is a lot of shame that goes with this habit, I can tell you its very hard to talk about to a point, My ex has taken me to court twice over this to "get things she wants" , I beat her last go.
I have built up immunity to discussing these things, Im not ashamed anymore. Society is not tolerant of this behavior in general. Fear, fear of acceptance makes this hard as men we are supposed to "be certain things in life". It takes time for someone to open up about such deep issues I think. Many people here are afraid to do more than just talk on the forum. I dont have that fear. I accepted me when I joined, I let all the bad feelings go. I am finally free, I am happy. I am redefining me. My end goal = making some new friends I can be me with and not be judged and putting myself out there to find a gal who accepts me as I am. Im learning to be confident again, get my self esteem back and actually live instead of hiding.

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Maz,

Great questions and no easy answers as to the "is he just a cross dresser" question.

I started cross dressing at age 7 when I took a pair of my sisters underwear and wore them. I did not know why I did it but I did it A few years later I took my first leotard. At such a young age, "cross dressing" has limited meaning. At 12 or 13 I put on my first dress and I have vivid recollection of the event from location, to the dress style, pattern, etc. Over the years the need to cross dress has waxed and waned but never left and yet I KNOW I am "just a normal cross dresser."

The question is, does my wife know this? Well, I think she is 99.9999% sure but there is always a kernel of doubt and that is fair. I lied to my wife from more than 20 years before I came out to her so I can understand your trust concern. It was simple cowardice and shame that prevented me from telling her sooner.

Conversation is the only way to get to a better understanding of your husband's direction. In my case you might ask, how do I "know" I am not really trans and not just in denial? Well, one, when I read comments from the trans folks on this forum, most, perhaps all, only dabbled in cross dressing and report that it never felt "right." They try cross dressing to try and make some sense of the way they actually feel. And then there is this: trans people look forward to surgery with a smile on their face. Nothing would scare me more than losing my equipment. How does he think about that?

The trans forum here could be a great resource for you. All seem willing to help with genuine questions.

Best of luck,

[Amy Fakley]

I can certainly understand your desire to have a clearer vision of the future. You want to know where it's all headed because that affects you. Totally understandable.

Unfortunately, at least in my experience of this, clarity is hard to come by for everyone involved. To directly answer your question ... I have no clear memory of the first time I dressed, nor of instances of whom I secretly borrowed clothes from along the way. For one thing, I'm also in 40s and that stuff was a long time ago ... I mean how many things do you clearly remember from when you were 5 or 6 years old?

I do remember certain aspects though. I clearly recall feeling left out and sad when I asked my mom for cool clothes like the girls had after my first day of kindergarten, and I was told in no uncertain terms "that's not for you, you're a boy". To this day I remember that. I also remember a specific blouse that I used to borrow from my mother's closet, and a specific dress one of my girlfriends had in college. Can't remember the first time dressing in those things though.

I will say this ... and this is definitely true of me, and I've read many similar accounts on the forum over the years ... there is an "expansion" nearly all of us experience after coming out.

After I admitted everything to my wife (17 years into our marriage), and it turned out that she was so accepting and supportive, there was a little "girl explosion". I bought new clothes and shoes and my wife taught me how to do my makeup better and I finally spent real money on a good wig ... and BOOM! Amy was "born" in a way ...

What I mean by that is that my feminine side had been made physically real in ways that simply were impossible before. And the closest person in my life still loved me, and accepted it ... and that made me very happy, but it also "expanded" that role in my day to day life, where my feminine side had been a closely guarded secret for literally all of my life up to that point. Naturally, I wanted to dress more often, and I thought about it more often. My wife also worried that I had been lying to her or that I didn't fully understand the extent of my transness.

However, after a time it became apparent that those fears were not founded. I had moved no further along the trans spectrum than I had always been. It's just that barriers had been lifted and the pressure inside me released.

For me it was like a tube of biscuits.
I came out ... that was like knocking my tube of biscuits on the counter. The seal was broken, my contents expanded. With a little baking, I became the biscuit I always was on the inside. But I wasn't a muffin. I was still just a biscuit, lol.

Hope that made sense, and I hope you and your SO find your balance :-)

[mumpossible]

Thank you for all the replies. These are some really interesting responses. and very reassuring, so thank you.

Amy- I LOVE the biscuit analogy- what a great description of the expansion of dressing.

Nvlady- that is reassuring,. thank you.

gendermutt- the idea of blocking is interesting. I think I will ask him about this, it might explain the lack of memory. .

Skyeyes- you are absolutely right, he has spoken of feeling as if i am interrogating him- but i just want to understand and to be reassured. i mean well. it is tricky to try to learn without asking too many questions.

Kate- i think that makes total sense to me,. i think he cannot be happy until he accepts that he is who he is.

Many of you have said about this (CD) being a shameful or deeply held secret. That just makes me so sad, for him & all of you really. The idea that you feel you have to hide is just so not fair. I'm not upset about the dressing, just scared for the future and upset that our relationship was based on dishonesty/lack of disclosure. It hurts that he did not trust me. I totally sympathise with why he didn't- but I still feel hurt and betrayed. I feel such compassion for him, and desperately want to help him to be comfortable with this.

Maybe i just need to back off and let him tell me what he want when he wants- but that is hard because i feel it is difficult to move past the deceit without fully disclosing the extent of it. so i'm less bothered by the first time e dressed- but do want to know the first time he wore my clothes.

Jennifer- can i ask (but of course i understand that it might be too personal). How long did you and your wife take to get back to the strong relationship you had before, after she found out about your CD?

[adrienner99]

apologies...my last post should have read "I am NOT TS..." I think many of us can love CDing and appear feminine but still NOT be TS either.....

[Jenniferathome]

...

Jennifer- can i ask (but of course i understand that it might be too personal). How long did you and your wife take to get back to the strong relationship you had before, after she found out about your CD?

Maz, on an anonymous forum, nothing is too personal;-)

My situation was about as perfect as one could hope for. The day I told her, our relationship actually got better. You see, I was subtly pushing her away for months maybe longer, without realizing I was doing it. I am sure that subconsciously, it was mechanism for me to deal with the stress of hiding. Somehow, my wife understood that the hiding was due to shame and humiliation and she was thankful that I could trust her, even after all the years of clearly lying to her. So, I was lucky. Still,the very foundation of our relationship was rock solid. We have never had any problem we couldn't discuss openly.

Now, that stated, she was not keen to see me dressed right after I told her! That took several months and now several outings before SHE was comfortable (she was always so stressed about me enjoying myself that she was on constant alert). But all I really wanted from her after disclosure was acceptance that this is who I am. That cross dressing is just one of the facets of me. I was tired of hiding and she allowed me to just be. We talk often an openly still. Having no secrets is wonderful.

And by no means does she "get it." Hell, I don't get it. Cross dressing is weird. It makes no sense so don't try and make sense of it. Is your husband on a path or is just a normal cross dresser? Only conversation will get you comfortable. I wish you the best of luck

[LisaKarenAZ]

Many of you have said about this (CD) being a shameful or deeply held secret. That just makes me so sad, for him & all of you really. The idea that you feel you have to hide is just so not fair. I'm not upset about the dressing, just scared for the future and upset that our relationship was based on dishonesty/lack of disclosure. It hurts that he did not trust me. I totally sympathise with why he didn't- but I still feel hurt and betrayed.

I won't speak for anyone else, but there seems to be some common undertones to my thoughts on this.
You have every right to feel betrayed and hurt. Please take a moment to reflect on how many of us came to find shame it what we were doing; our parents and/or family members. These people are the ones that we learn to trust the most at a very early point in our lives. We've spent years with these people that may continue to shame us as we progress through our most vulnerable years, yet we can't stop what we do.

By no means am I looking to excuse the lack of disclosure on my part to my wife, but it helps set the level of understanding behind the inability to share my deepest, darkest secret with anyone. If the ones that are supposed to love us unconditionally, are not able to accept this part of our lives, how is anyone else supposed to accept it?

For me, it wasn't deliberate lying as much as it was fear of the repercussions of the truth; a truth that repeatedly and consistently resulted in guilt, shame, and hurt after being revealed to someone I thought I could trust with anything.

At first, I thought that being married and having a family would put the feelings to rest, once and forever. They did stop for a few years. But, then, they came back with a vengeance. I wanted so badly to tell my wife, but I was afraid of losing this amazing woman who completed me at a spiritual level. I was afraid of losing contact with my children, who I love dearly and would have rather died than lose them. The guilt of hiding this continued to exacerbate the shameful feelings. I began feeling more and more insecure about myself. I didn't know who I was. Our marriage began to suffer because of my inner feelings.

And then, she found my things. This was not the way it should have gone. For all the efforts of hiding, it was right there in front of us, and I had no choice but to share this with her. Like you, she was angry, hurt, and disappointed that I lied and didn't trust her enough to share this with her. What complicated the situation was that even I didn't understand this enough to explain everything she wanted to know. I did my best to explain with what I knew and understood.

Fast forward about 10 years to today. My wife and I are still together. It has been a long, arduous road, but we are now at the best point of our relationship that we have ever been. She just recently finally came to terms with my dressing to the point of tolerance and a little acceptance mixed in.

I hope that my ramblings helps put things into perspective. I can't say that your husband feels any of the same things that I have, but I hope that my ramblings shine some light on how hard it may have been for him to get to sharing this with you.

[Judy-Somthing]

I don't remember their first time vividly but my sister took a photo of me after dressing me up in her old ballerina outfit when I was 8.

I have memories of putting the ballerina outfit on when ever no one was around.

I thought the urge to dress would stop when I had a steady GF but it didn't.

In my teens I was out to all my friends and some of them would dress up also, even girls got involved and of course drinking.

When I got married and the crazy parties faded away and dressing up got pushed into the closet.
My wife felt that cross-dressing was something that could only happen at a Halloween party and not every year.

So far after 50 years of cross-dressing I can honestly say I have no interest in being a women.

I've tried to stop this so called crazy cross-dressing thing but I found that after about four weeks I get noticeably un-happy.

I've tried telling my wife over the years but she would always push it away and say negative things about cross-dressing.

She made me feel that something was wrong with me. I can tell you it's not a good feeling.,

Life's definitely interesting.

[Sally60]

My husband also confuses me. He is a cross dresser but I have a feeling it runs deeper. I am trying to keep the lines of communication open but after all of the previous lies it's hard to figure out what is real.

[Tina_gm]

Sally, for most CDers, something does run deeper. There are some who really just have some sexual fetish for it, some others who just have this occasional need to be someone else, enjoy the physical sensations for a night or weekend, and it isn't something that happens often. When it isn't happening, they are usually ok just being the regular guy.

Many CDers do fit into a something deeper category. It is why we do it in the 1st place. Something in their personal gender identity. It may or may not be that they are internally a woman. Gender fluid/dual gender, perhaps non binary. A feeling or connection to both, or neither perhaps. For some it is a constant mix, for others, it varies, sometimes connecting more masculine, sometimes more feminine.

Just because someone get to an acceptance of themselves that they allow themselves to CD, does not mean that denial is not an issue. It is also likely that once past the denial repression stage, they will learn more about themselves. It is a discovery process. It may take years for this to occur. PaulaQ is someone who went from zero to woman very quickly. Many will never get all the way to internally identifying as a woman. Simply because it isn't a place they can ever be. Some may go to their grave denying it, but for most, it just isn't where they are at in terms of identity. It is though, very very confusing for us who are in the transgender spectrum at times.

The 5 stages of grief- most have heard of it. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Many who are transgender go through a version of this I believe. I definitely did. I went back and forth through the 1st 4 for 30 years before finally hitting acceptance. Mosstly denial though. And even when acceptance finally starts to come through, it doesn't all just come through like a light switch. More like a dimmer switch that slowly get brighter and brighter, until finally the other stages are mostly gone. Mine are mostly gone at this point. I no longer have any denial, although once in a great while I still feel a sense of anger, a why me feeling. I do sometimes get a feeling of depression, but not to a clinical point. I used to bargain like crazy, just make me normal God, and I will do whatever you want me to do.

He may be lying still, or maybe he really just doesn't know, and tries to come up with some answer. If you ask a question like how far will this go, how much would you dress if you had no limitations, the answer, I don't know, is scary, both to you I am sure, but to him as well.

[Jenny Doolittle]

I can certainly understand your desire to have a clearer vision of the future. You want to know where it's all headed because that affects you. Totally understandable.

Unfortunately, at least in my experience of this, clarity is hard to come by for everyone involved. To directly answer your question ... I have no clear memory of the first time I dressed, nor of instances of whom I secretly borrowed clothes from along the way. For one thing, I'm also in 40s and that stuff was a long time ago ... I mean how many things do you clearly remember from when you were 5 or 6 years old?

I do remember certain aspects though. I clearly recall feeling left out and sad when I asked my mom for cool clothes like the girls had after my first day of kindergarten, and I was told in no uncertain terms "that's not for you, you're a boy". To this day I remember that. I also remember a specific blouse that I used to borrow from my mother's closet, and a specific dress one of my girlfriends had in college. Can't remember the first time dressing in those things though.

I will say this ... and this is definitely true of me, and I've read many similar accounts on the forum over the years ... there is an "expansion" nearly all of us experience after coming out.

After I admitted everything to my wife (17 years into our marriage), and it turned out that she was so accepting and supportive, there was a little "girl explosion". I bought new clothes and shoes and my wife taught me how to do my makeup better and I finally spent real money on a good wig ... and BOOM! Amy was "born" in a way ...

What I mean by that is that my feminine side had been made physically real in ways that simply were impossible before. And the closest person in my life still loved me, and accepted it ... and that made me very happy, but it also "expanded" that role in my day to day life, where my feminine side had been a closely guarded secret for literally all of my life up to that point. Naturally, I wanted to dress more often, and I thought about it more often. My wife also worried that I had been lying to her or that I didn't fully understand the extent of my transness.

However, after a time it became apparent that those fears were not founded. I had moved no further along the trans spectrum than I had always been. It's just that barriers had been lifted and the pressure inside me released.

For me it was like a tube of biscuits.
I came out ... that was like knocking my tube of biscuits on the counter. The seal was broken, my contents expanded. With a little baking, I became the biscuit I always was on the inside. But I wasn't a muffin. I was still just a biscuit, lol.

Hope that made sense, and I hope you and your SO find your balance :-)

I LOVE your analogy.

[Skyeyes]

In responding to your questions, I can only answer as it relates to me.

You ask about trust. I understand your concern that he hid his CD for a long time. You ask why. I hid my desires to wear feminine underwear for a long time too. It was done because I did not "trust" that my wife would accept me as I am. I was afraid that if my wife knew the truth about my desires she would think less of me or even leave me. I love her very much. When I did finally tell her she asked the same questions you asked. Did I want to be a woman? I answered "no". I do not want to be a woman. However, I am a heterosexual man who just likes to wear women's underwear. No more no less. The majority of CD men are heterosexual and have no desire to transition. Even after telling her about my desires and discussing it. She has not accepted it. My fears were partially founded. She did not leave me, but I think she thinks less of me. Your husband may be holding back because of fear.

Regarding the firstime I wore women's underwear, I can tell you that it was something that I still have a difficult time talking about. It is a hard admission. Even though I told my wife that I wanted to wear women's underwear around the house, I could not go into detail about how I started. I spoke at a high level, but not in detail. I ask my self why. What I believe I have discovered is that growing up in a religious house I learned that all things sexual are not discussed openly. Therefore when I was young and tried on my mother's longline bra, I was thrilled and at the sametime deeply ashamed. Shame is a common denominator with people who CD. It is a carry over from the child who discovers crossdressing and is told it is shameful. That is how it affected me. So I have been reluctant to share the how's and why's of the beginning.

My advice is be open, be accepting and ask questions. But sometimes when we ask a lot of questions, it can sound like an interrogation. Let him tell you the details about what is within him when he is ready. Just as you are adjusting to this new reality, he is adjusting to you beginning to accept him too. It is a journey you both should take together.

[paulaprimo]

hi maz, and welcome to the forum.

you seem like a wonderful and supportive wife, so the short answer for me is,
why would he lie?

i remember trying on my mom's stuff numerous times as a child, but don't really remember
the very first time. that was the extent of my dressing until i was in my 50's. i'd like to
think that i'm a very honest person, but i have lied about that, mostly from shame.
it's a very hard, scary and confusing life we live, especially when raised in the 1960's.
everyone's story here is similar but different. our paths may all begin the same, but then
they branch off at different points for most. some may purge and quit, some remain
cross dressers, and at the other end of the spectrum some fully transition. so for
me i know that i'm more than a cross dresser and fall somewhere in the middle of the
spectrum.

when i first started dressing i thought i was "just" a cross dressing. but living a life of denial for
over 50 years and finally getting the chance to be the "real" me, i've found i'm much more
than a cross dresser.

where you husbands journey will take him is up to him. i don't think any of us here can answer for him
as all of our roads traveled have lead to different places on the spectrum. i know that it has to be very hard for
you, but i also know it has to be very hard and confusing for your husband. all i can say is, continue to be supportive
and hopefully he will be honest with you.

wishing you both the very best...

[mumpossible]

Thank you all for your comments. My husband and I had a long talk, after i head read all your replies. I realised I was holding on to my distrust in an unhealthy way, and we realised we have to work on communication. Things are better- and i feel i understand a little more now.
I think the most difficult part about this, for me, is that there is no-one i can talk to about this. So my thoughts and fears churn around in my head until i drive myself crazy. So we are working on our communication- but thank you all for taking the time to respond, it really has helped.

[PaulaQ]

I think the most difficult part about this, for me, is that there is no-one i can talk to about this. So my thoughts and fears churn around in my head until i drive myself crazy. So we are working on our communication- but thank you all for taking the time to respond, it really has helped.

That is one of the worst things for the spouse / SO / family member / parent of a trans person. Even if they feel they can talk to others (which is often NOT the case), nobody they know has ever been through this, so they really don't get very useful support. If you were in the Dallas / Ft Worth area, I'd tell you to PM me and I'd give you details on the support group I lead for trans people and their spouses. If there are any such groups in your area, I'd strongly encourage you to go to them. And if you aren't seeing a counselor who understands gender issues, you might want to do that too, possibly as a couple. And please know that your feelings are valid. Your first impulses about what to do about your feelings may not be the best choice, but the feelings themselves are real, and you have to deal with them. And I know that's hard. I wish you and your spouse the best.

[mumpossible]

That is one of the worst things for the spouse / SO / family member / parent of a trans person. Even if they feel they can talk to others (which is often NOT the case), nobody they know has ever been through this, so they really don't get very useful support. If you were in the Dallas / Ft Worth area, I'd tell you to PM me and I'd give you details on the support group I lead for trans people and their spouses. If there are any such groups in your area, I'd strongly encourage you to go to them. And if you aren't seeing a counselor who understands gender issues, you might want to do that too, possibly as a couple. And please know that your feelings are valid. Your first impulses about what to do about your feelings may not be the best choice, but the feelings themselves are real, and you have to deal with them. And I know that's hard. I wish you and your spouse the best.

Thank you so much Paula. We have been looking into counselling, but it is a little complicated in our area because there are not many counselors with experience of gender issues. I think we are going to try couple counselling now, even if there is not a Counsellor with experience of gender issues locally, we need to work on communication and trust, because these are our issues, dressing itself is not really the problem.

[Kate Simmons]

You also have us to ask questions and talk to. I wish you and your husband well.

[Confucius]

Welcome, to the forum.
You've got some tough questions!

In my case, I've been CDing as long as I can remember. I have a sister that is 13 months younger than me, and she grew up as my mother's pampered princess. I grew up thinking that my mother would love me more if I was born a girl. I recall raiding my mother's closet when I was around 3 years old, but I don't remember the first time I cross-dressed. I remember my mother complaining that I was ruining her clothes and so she made me a dress of my own to play with, and then my father objected to it. I remember being reprimanded and being told (many times) that only girls can play with this, or only girls can wear that. It seemed to me that girls got all the good stuff, and being a boy was a terrible handicap in life. Nonetheless, I always accepted that I was a boy.

There was several years when crossdressing was no longer in my life and then when puberty started, it flared up again - and was even more powerful! While I cannot remember my first cross-dressing as a toddler, I do recall my first time as an adolescent. It was a slip and a party dress... It was such a thrill that my whole body was shaking. It scared me, and I wondered "What's happening? Why did it affect me this way?"

I was in denial too. I did not want to believe I was different. I wanted to believe everything I did was normal for all boys. I was afraid I would never be able to grow up like my parents. I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I wanted to date girls, and get married someday. Once I realized I was different, I was confused. Crossdressing made no sense to me, yet I needed it. I was afraid that no girl would ever love me. I wanted grow up and be the sort of man that a woman could respect and honor - I was afraid that crossdressing would ruin everything.

My own solution was to limit my crossdressing and keep it private. My wife sets the boundaries to my crossdressing. It's my job to live within her comfort zone. It works for us. (If it was only up to me, my crossdressing would escalate and escalate without end.) In this way both my needs and my wife's needs can be satisfied.

All I can advise you is to keep the lines of communication open. Have your husband join this forum.

[NicoleScott]

He may not be lying about not remembering the first time. Many of us started out quite young, and just dabbling, as I like to call it. Like wrapping a pretty scarf around my waist, pretending it was a skirt. Or seeing a slip or panties on a towel rack and compelled to try them on. I do remember my first head-to-toe transformation, though.
More importantly, I think, is what's driving his dressing, arousal or an internal feminine identity. The time for holding back because of embarrassment should be over. I mean, the secret is out.
He may know what's driving his desire to dress, and he should tell you what he knows, but he may not know how far it will go. That's the scary part.
There have been many threads here about how to get her acceptance. Some people advise advancing in baby steps, securing acceptance for what she knows and then bumping it up a little, hoping for more acceptance, and so on. Just panties. Then a bra, then pantyhose, dress, wig, makeup, shoes, going out, etc. Unless she has a potato for a brain, she'll know she's being "slippery sloped" at about the third step. Mistrust, resentment.
Remembering the first time? Give him a pass. What's going on right now? Time to open up right now.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Hi Maz, Welcome! We are all different so my answers probably won't help with the search for what is going on with your spouse. I remember what I think was my first crossdressing experience. I was 8 or 9 and it was in a play at summer day camp. A bunch of us were in the chorus in Oklahoma and all dressed as girls. I loved it and then started getting into my mother's clothes. I have been dressing for 58 or 59 years. I told my wife after almost 20 years of marriage. She is accepting, but does not want to meet Lisa. I consider myself transgendered, but not a transsexual. I enjoy (actually absolutely LOVE) dressing and presenting as a female. I don't however have any desire to transition. I love both my lives, male and female.

The reason that many people have not told their spouse is that they are horribly afraid of the consequences. Many spouses react in a bad way and the marriage is over.

So, all I can tell you is about me. My experiences have no bearing on what Kelly's experience was and is. What you should take away from my post is that there are happy "just" crossdressers that don't want to transition, love their lives and appreciate what their wives have done for them. I hope that your situation is a good one and stays that way!!!