DADT and Social Media

[DanielleLee]

If one has disclosed their cross dressing to their spouse... and that spouse has stated they don't want to know about it or talk about it (E.g. a DADT situation), how does one handle social media and accounts for your other "self"?

In essence, a SO has said I don't want to hear about or participate in (large or small part) this side of you.

Would you consider it wrong to not disclose these profiles to your SO, who is not "on board" so to speak and wants nothing to do with your cross dressing? This isn't a call to justify what I think, I already know how I feel and my opinion. I'm curious on how others think in this situation. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, but do you feel that a situation like that is a furthering of lies by omission, or is it different, since the privacy of the cross dresser can maintained (failing hacking and what not) and the "boundaries" set forth by the SO have been maintained?

Danielle Lee

[Tonya Rose]

I set my own boundaries! GF!She has no say!!!!

[Meghan4now]

Traceable, or untraceable? If you can be identified by the general public, i.e. the neighbors or family, exposure might cause embarrassment for her. This would be a violation of the spirit of DADT, especially if she makes it clear that public outing is a concern.
So Facebook is probably a bad idea.

However, posting here might be more acceptable. There is a certain anonymity here (not guaranteed) that makes public outing unlikely. But do consider too how much you share. She may be mad if you kiss and tell.

Plus consider the time factor as well. If you don't have time for her or other parts of your life, that is going to be a problem eventually.

The question also extends to physically going out. Are you likely to be recognized by someone she knows, and is it likely to spread through the gossip channels? Pick and choose where and when to avoid causing her an embarrassing explanation situation.

[2B Natasha]

Wrong? Probably not. Bad decision? Yep 100%. With social media. You just never really know how they shop you around and you don't know all the connections of people you friend. There is a very real possibility that it will get beck to her. Worst case scenario is that it gets back to her through a friend, college or neighbor. You and I have NO idea what people do behind closed doors or how people entertain themselves. So her finding out, not from you. Well that will be bad.

If you should have one or not is another question altogether and that needs a discussion on it so she knows there is the POSSIBILITY that she maybe confronted one day about and she need to be prepared.

[DanielleLee]

For the sake of argument... for this conversation, please assume the CDr is taking care of all his expected duties at home.

As far as it getting back to her, regardless of whether the CDr was caught out and recognized either physically or on the internet... again, the spouse CHOOSE to implement her/his boundary of a DADT relationship.

With that being said... there without a doubt 100% consequences for our actions. If the SO finds out, there will be consequences.

Back to the original question. Is the cross dresser, lying by omission when he/she fails to disclose social activity in a DADT relationship?

[Meghan4now]

It would depend on the extent of discussion and agreement prior to the DADT understanding. If ahead of time, one said that social connection may be involved, then no. If social interaction has been implied to be out of bounds then yes. In between is a matter of concious. If it feels wrong, in your heart of hearts, then it probably is wrong.

[JenniferMBlack]

In my experience if you feel you need to ask if it is wrong it probably is. Only the poeple with the agreement will know if it falls into an agreed upon portion or not. But in general if it feels wrong then it is.

[Rachelakld]

for me DADT means
1) she knows
2) she doesn't want to know any more information AT ALL

[Julie1123]

My SO and I have a DADT with a caveat. We've discussed what I do, what makes her uncomfortable, and have set boundaries that allow us both to be happy. The caveat comes into play if either one of us changes in how we feel about this that we will discuss it. So in my case, starting up social media accounts presenting as a female would be a breach of our current agreement unless we talked it over first.

[Sometimes Steffi]

If by "social media" you mean Facebook, I can say that I don't trust Facebook. I have a male FB account that I rarely use, and I don't have nor want a girl account. But I do have pictures up on Meetup, Flickr and maybe some others.

My rule is that if it's not prohibited, it's permitted, but then I would use my own rules for deciding whether or not to participate.

For this site, I would be very reluctant to allow her t read because I've been very open and brutally honest here, and at least some posts would cause me problems.

[CarlaWestin]

Carla engages social media only through compartmentalized sites such as this one. She is stand alone with seperate email accounts.
No Fbook or any other broad spectrum internet presence. And, I'm constantly vigilant about leakover.
Of course, I smile every time a bra ad pops up when he's on the internet.

[Fiona123]

My situation is like Carla's. This is the only social media site I use. I don't trust Facebook.

[BLUE ORCHID]

RE: Facebook , Run don't walk as fast as you can away from Facebook......

[Beverley Sims]

Social media?

What's that?

That is how I will stay, I can handle it without social media.

[StarrOfDelite]

I've maintained a Facebook account under my Fem name for almost five years, and my experience is that the site itself is safe. The tales of disaster that are spread about it usually occur because it's the crossdresser herself who screws up. Obviously, the CD has to fill out a new account under an assumed name (and that btw is cause for termination of service by FB), avoid liking the same sites, avoid making comments on sites frequented by your non-CD friends, and generally keep everything compartmentalized. Two tips, use a Logo instead of one of your CD photos for your profile picture, which is the only one that non-friends can see, and be damn careful about accepting friend requests, since there is a cross-referencing of friend photos which cn be traced rather easily if there is any common thread.

[~Joanne~]

RE: Facebook , Run don't walk as fast as you can away from Facebook......

this I agree with 100% even if you took the CDing out of the picture, it should still be the same, run.

[DanielleLee]

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond. In full disclosure, I have a separate e-mail for and at one time had a separate FB profile. (to which I never had any issues, as I kept things separate... likes, commenting, friends and friends of friends, etc.... just like StarrOfDelite above)

In regards to DADT and its meaning to me... it means just that: She doesn't ask, and you don't tell.

First and foremost, the cross dresser still can't do illegal things. And doing things like sex outside the marriage is still going to be wrong. Bad behavior is bad behavior, period. (E.g. sex, drugs, online flirting, sexting, etc.)

DADT does not however, in my mind anyway, give carte blanche to a SO to set boundaries and then not discuss it.

Should we take feelings into account... of course, however at the end of the day one person can't be unhappy because of another person's fears. If the CDr needs support, they have to be able to obtain it.

[renae.lake]

dadt = she knows i dress, and doesn't want to know the details. it doesn't mean i'm going to stop doing what i do within this part of my life, but i am going to honor her wishes by not telling her about it or making it obvious. to me, that is not the same as lying by omission - i would actually answer pretty much anything she asked (so it's really just "dt"). if she finds out about my flickr or cddc or whatever account through no fault of mine (other than my posting publicly in the first place), well, that's just one of many things she's asked not to be updated about. i have nothing to be ashamed of, and in fact i wish i could tell her about such things. if things were different, i'd love to know what she thinks of my pictures.

~ summer

[docrobbysherry]

Sherry has her own email address and FB page. I rarely even visit Robert's anymore.

My adult, live in daughter's DADT. She knows about Sherry's FB page but probably wouldn't visit it on pain of death!

[Stephanie47]

Back to the original question. Is the cross dresser, lying by omission when he/she fails to disclose social activity in a DADT relationship?

I'm in a DADT relationship. My wife shutdown any discussions or acknowledgment more than thirty years ago. There have been telltale unintended hints or vestiges laying around on occasion; a pair of nylon Vanity Fair panties left out or a red Vanity Fair bra. She folded them and placed them on top of the washing machine and told me I left them out. No rants. No further discussions.

I don't belong to any organizations. I do not do social media..period. DADT does not mean I do not do my thing or indulge in my clothing purchases. It means I do not tell her. If she was interested I'd tell her. I'd discuss anything with her. I know she does not appreciate this side of me. We did not need to chisel boundaries in granite. I do not modify my body. I do not shave my legs or arms. I do not wear nail polish. Yet, I do enjoy my private time without running any aspect of it by her for approval or disapproval.

It is not lying by omission. Does the wife in a DADT relationship really expect her husband to not do this thing. I would say, if you want to keep your identity a secret, then there is always a risk to posting on line or venturing outside the relative safety of your home.

[Tina_gm]

A true DADT is pretty hard to actually accomplish. I don't think it is wrong to do a social media profile in a DADT arrangement. If it is so revealing though, to the point where everyone who knows you knows about CDing, its going to be pretty hard to maintain a DADT arrangement. If you do have something out there and you and your partner have a DADT arrangement, I would basically let her know what it is, or where it is, so she doesn't come across it. Basically the same as where your clothes are I would imagine.

[Meghan4now]

Doesn't posting here count as social media? I feel like it does.