Telling others about your femme side (long read)

[Rebekah_uk]

I have been talking to a therapist over the past few months, we have covered many topics and cross dressing came up. She asked how much damage has keeping this secret done to me mentally. To a point where she has challenged me to talk about it with someone.

I have carried secret my entire life and came out to my wife in 2014 as I was miserable and needed to say something or destroy my marriage. Luckily my wife was okay within her limits and here I am ten years later

I have a transgender work former work colleague that I have thought about telling for me many years and have typed and deleted a text many times

With the demise of Gender Mosaic it?s been hard meeting others like myself here in Ottawa. I really would like to have a girlie chat and poor my heart out to somebody who would understand

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[audreyinalbany]

I think talking with your therapist may be more productive than asking us. I have a semi-accepting wife (knows but doesn't want to see or participate) and I've been conflicted about coming out to a couple of people with whom I'm close. Haven't done it yet it's a thing I've been discussing with my therapist. I think she knows my situation better then our sisters on line

[Heather76]

I have thought about telling a good friend...until I realize he has no need to know and I value his friendship enough I wouldn't want to lose it because I felt the need to share something many people cannot, or will not, accept. Since you see a therapist, why not ask just who he/she might recommend you talk with. If I had to choose someone, I might pick a friend who is outside my regular circle of friends so if it goes badly, it would stop there. I have one lady who "discovered" my CD secret. She saw me buying a dress and asked how my wife liked it. I told her I couldn't lie to her and the dress was for me as I CD. She was great about it and our friendship has gotten even better. But, she knows none of my friends outside of her part time job (and my volunteer place).

[JenniferR771]

I always thought that if I told a steady girlfriend--it would be an immediate turn-off, and end the relationship. So...I was careful to hide it carefully--that is, until my wife came home an hour early one day. I was caught! Choir practice was canceled.
Somehow, many years later we are still together.
She is slightly accepting now...and I try to show my appreciation--and treat her right.

[DAVIDA]

Most of my family knows as do a couple of friends.
A few have seen me dressed.
One friend and his wife at the time, came over for dinner and I was dressed.
I do agree that others just don't need to know.
Some were told that maybe didn't need to know, but it wasn't a bad outcome.
My mother also knew, and I am pretty sure my father did too.
He was probably the first. He partially covered up a pair of white pumps I had on my bed when he went into my bedroom to answer my phone, a land line since it was way before cell phones, and I was taking a shower.
Nothing was ever said. I told Jean I always thought he was a CD to, but never acted on it.
My mother hemmed a skirt for me, and I had to run over to her house one night and I didn't have time to change.
I had on a pair of black silky pants, zebra pumps, and a long fur trimmed coat Jean gave me.
It is all in who you are comfortable with knowing.
I have never had a bad experience with anyone I told, but your situation may be different.

[Helen_Highwater]

I can only reply from my own experiences and relate the first time I attended a support group.

Very nervous having introduced myself to the group secretary I joined a group sat around a table. During the following conversation journeys were shared and it only took minutes to feel I was with kindred company.

Sat there chatting felt the most normal of things and it's at moments like those you realise you're not alone.

Now whilethis maynt fit your quest to tell someone outside of our community for me it would be the next best thing.

[alwayshave]

I belong to a meetup group of CDers and trans women. It is my therapy as is this forum.

[jjjjohanne]

A light start might be to go to a small clothing consignment store. Tell the owner you are a crossdresser and shop for yourself there. Make friends with the owner.

[JulieC]

I too follow the "need to know" principle.

My wife knows, and has known since two months into dating. An old girlfriend, with whom I remain exceptionally close (yes, my wife knows and approves and is always in the loop) knows, but I never told her while were dating decades ago. She asked "Why now?" to which I replied that I couldn't not be honest with her about it, given that she knows literally everything else about me. She also asked "Why not when we were together?" to which I replied that I didn't because I could barely tell myself; my self acceptance journey had only just begun. Three other girlfriends since her were told at the time, to varying degrees of acceptance. While I'm still connected to all of them via social media, they're not really friends anymore. One guy friends from decades ago new, with no effect. Nobody else knows.

There is nobody else in my life who has a "need to know". One of our kids has moved out and is states away; no surprises. Two others remain at home, though temporarily absent. If either of them move out to somewhere local, then there might be a need to know because they might show up at home unexpectedly. We'll cross that bridge when the time comes. My wife thinks we should tell them now. I don't see the benefit. Even if they knew, I wouldn't be dressing up around them. There is potential harm.

[MarciMaybe]

I've never intentionally told anyone...been caught a couple of times. 👙

[Gracefullyfemme]

This is a tough one ... I've seen a therapist about a less-than-ideal past and to help me see where I am now. I've lived with frustration and anger for much of life. She's been helping me to see the need to nurture myself and not live in shame. I'm being good to myself and have told my eldest daughter (she took psychology) that I do have a feminine side that is an important part of who I am but haven't gone into details as to what that entails other than I like to wear nice things. She's been supportive. I haven't told any of my other children which are all adults.

Joanna

[Natalie5004]

I did tell my wife a few years ago. We are still married after 22 years. She knows and sees me dressed a few times a month. We are about 80% ok with my dressing. She does ask me if I ever leave the house. I lie and tell he no. She would be upset about it.

I would like to share with some of my women friends but my wife is very discouraging on that.

[kimdl93]

Lots of good advice here.

Gosh, your therapist asked a question that is difficult to asses. How much damage? In my own case, I am sure that my mood and behaviors were affected by the feeling shame/guilt about being whatever it is I thought I was. I just can?t say how much was due to certain other factors.

My psychologist did try to help me become more self accepting. I recall her saying, “it’s not a crime, you know!’ Logically speaking she was right. But it still felt wrong.

[Georgina]

Talking about dressing with another person is so therapeutic. I am so fortunate in that I have 5 women, one man and 3 crossdressers that I regularly talk to face to face and on the phone as well. It is a wonderful experience to have others that support. One of my lady friends,(gg), is 90 years old and is just amazing in her appreciation of my dressing. People are amazing and I hope you find some more people to talk to.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rebekah , See line #4 in my Signature, >Orchid**OO**

[Sandi Beech]

My thoughts,

No need to risk existing friends that you have a long relationship with, just make some new friends.

That is one reason I go to LGBT bars and clubs. Most everyone is accepting and even if you only talk to the bartender, that usually goes pretty well. Some are great listeners. Please tip well : )

Some don?t realize that most bars now have non alcoholic offering for non drinkers. Drag shows will have a very accepting crowd. It gives you a chance to comment to others around you about the drag attire. Think conversation starter.

I just did a quick search and places like The Lookout Bar are perfect to strike up a conversation about CDing with someone.
Give it a try, you might be surprised how easy it is. Since you likely would not know anyone, the risk is fairly low.

I have done this many times, and it is nice to talk to someone about CDing.

Sandi