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Thread: To Face The Truth...

  1. #1
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    To Face The Truth...

    "It hurts too much to face the truth..."

    Pet Shop Boys, from "Behavior", 1990

    Let's see, it has been over a year since I've been pondering this thread. I've had a few start/stops. Here is one of them...

    As I dip into these pages for the first time in quite a while, and writing something that is seemingly meaningful in forever, I notice that there are not as many familiar faces around. That's OK. I don't know you and you are not likely to know me. Not that I am famous but I'd like to think that I've had a history as somewhat valuable contributor here and there.

    Thing is, the mystery of the essence of my very being has become just that...a mystery. What I have held true in my heart for as long as I can remember has utterly disappeared. But instead of trying to find it through the writing of words (which failed miserably), I thought I'd try a different approach. I'd rather write about the amazing memories of a time gone by. One that is still recalled with fondness and may or may not be rekindled at some point. Whatever happens, it is OK. I could never have fathomed the equilibrium I feel not without transition. If my past gender dysphoria was measured on a scale of 1 to 10, it would have been an 11. Now, it is a -1.

    -1...that admittedly blows my mind.


    I'm going to try this with a periodic stream of consciousness about memories from the past. Something happened this evening, hearing the song "To Face The Truth" which brought more than one tear to my eyes. Finally the inspiration that leads me to write these words? Well over a year since any meaningful gender expression that is true to my nature. I hear songs that make me think of friends that are in my thoughts daily, yet I have failed them. Kim. Diana. Erica. Sherry. Alice. Honey. And those of you who have moved on before I was ready to let you go. But you were ready to move on. I miss you. Do those of you who I have forsaken during this pandemic miss me? Does it matter? I think it does. I miss you. All of you. I have thought of you all nearly daily. Gosh, I want to come back. Christine, I want you to come back. I allowed the tenth anniversary of your passing to pass but it doesn't mean I miss you any less.

    I feel as if I have a story to tell but it is one that doesn't have a conclusion in this world of ours. Let's see where it goes.

    is anyone willing to indulge me? Is anyone willing to help me? Can I help any of you?

    Let's find out, if anyone is willing to try.

    The memory for today.

    "Your Song" by Elton John.

    March into April of 2014. Diva Las Vegas coincided with a chance to see Elton John at Caesars Palace. Alice. Diana. Kim. Erica met us afterwards. "Your Song" resonates with me to this day every single time I hear the song. I remember my outfit. A 3/4 sleeve mini dress with black tights and knee-high boots. More important was seeing a legend. Most important was the legendary company I enjoyed. I cannot believe it has been so many years.

    Do you all remember?

    Going back and reading some old emails. My teeth clench, my eyes water, just like those days when my existence was caught in a vice of dysphoria. Now it is a feeling of love and longing to know how my friends are doing.

    I will make this right.


    EDIT:

    I'm reading through some random emails from the past and I came across the following from Christine. Unvarnished and unedited. Take from it what you will. Christine is gone, I just adore remembering. Kind of brings this post full circle. I didn't realize there'd be a PSB reference to make the circle unbroken. From August 4, 2007.

    Hi Sara,

    Yesterday's meeting was a delight. Music, shopping, fascinating conversation, making a new friend -- in my book of Enjoyable Outings (Esp. After A Long Work Week), it doesn't get better than that. I was happy to meet you, happy to find that you in person are similar to you in print (the mark of a good writer, you put your true personality into your writings, including emails. Not easy. I feel like I have finally just started to do this myself)....You look great, you pass easily and your "at-ease" level is higher than some transitioning/transitioned friends I know. I hope you know this, but in terms of being and presenting as your true self, you are doing wonderfully....

    I had to write another sports blog (Elton Brand) when I returned home. Still wired, I decided to write a long-overdue post for Woman In Progress. It's up now, about a nice evening that happened to me last month.....No need to worry about my blogging about yesterday. If and when, I can be vague about the meeting place and use a different name for my new friend. ...I am glad to hear your wife didn't "freak out" about you meeting me (!) Hey. I'm a nice person. I am very safe and sane (usually) company.

    While writing last night, I played Disc 4, "Songs." Went thru it three times. Loved pretty much all of it.....From Adam to Eve -- why have I heard nothing about this before? I might have to blog about this song. "Look at me . . . feminine." Amazing. Brix has it down. I coulda done without so much of falsetto guy, but that could be just me....Covers were great--ok, now I know ALL the words to Blitzkrieg Bop . . . Catherine du-ing Husker Du -- now it makes sense.....Throw Your Arms Around Me -- heard it before, loved it again......Aussie pop clinches the disc for me. Put me down as a fan of My Friend The Chocolate Cake, Mutton Birds and Porcupine Tree (dreampop, nu shoegaze).....And "Hockey" is hilarious. Gotta love Jane....

    So thanks for it all, especially being patient and flexible enough to make our meeting happen. A very relaxing and memorable day for me. I look forward to our next meeting.

    Your new LA friend
    (Pet Shop Boys wrote about me in song -- "West End Girl" )

    Christine

    PS: You can call me Christine, or Christina, or Chrissy, or Chris, or Christy. Just don't call me Mike, and all is good
    Last edited by Sara Jessica; 05-22-2021 at 02:07 AM.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  2. #2
    -1.#QNaN Lydianne's Avatar
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    Obviously, I don't know you or your progression history, but generally, one needs to evaluate past decisions with the information and the situation that existed at that time. Re-evaluating from a standpoint that developed after the fact, therefore, in most cases would not be fair.

    After a -12 point change in GD, you are probably now in a better position to assess past actions more clearly, however the model needs to respect that the GD at that time was 11.


    Also, in the light of the now -1 GD, there was something about this that made me read it twice:

    Quote Originally Posted by Sara Jessica View Post
    Well over a year since any meaningful gender expression that is true to my nature.

    All the best!

    - L.

  3. #3
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    Hi Sara Jessica , It is great to see you back again, That was a good read,

    Your threads were always fun to follow,
    You were 6 months before I got here, >Orchid**OO**
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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  4. #4
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Hi Sara, Welcome back. It is amazing how a song can bring back memories.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  5. #5
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Being one of the semi-oldtimers, I do remember you, Sara. I wasn?t part of the intimate associates, just a fellow traveler. But I followed your experiences and remember with some sadness, when you said the feeling was drifting away. I never felt the dysphoria disappear as you have. A -1!! (My personal denial and repression scale does seem to vary rather wildy).

    Isn?t it funny how much of a connection can be achieved through some words appearing on a page, sometimes accompanied by a familiar image. I know many of you, hopefully most of you have very full and satisfying lives and this place is special as a way to associate with people with common interests. But I also am sure that for some of us, a void has been filled.
    Have you the belief that the road ahead
    Ascends off into some lights

  6. #6
    -1.#QNaN Lydianne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lydianne View Post
    Obviously, I don't know you or your progression history, but
    Let me clarify:

    I do know who you are. However, I didn't want to give my comment any apparent legitimacy through apparent acquaintance. I do not know you enough to write anything conclusive.


    I remember reading a thread you wrote about cutting off your long hair - and you appeared not experience any dysphoric feeling afterwards. And I remember reading a thread from you where you re-evaluated the value of your family life - and you appeared to have a re-emphasised focus upon your family life over seeking more gender solutions.


    But readers would rather read more from you than speculations and implications coming from me. After all, you would be more interesting and more accurate.


    ( But I would love to read more detail about the no "meaningful gender expression that is true to my nature" line ).

    - L.

  7. #7
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    I am another who does not "know you" but "knows of you". Nice to see you back as you are one of many who I always admired both in looks and your wisdom. Welcome back.

  8. #8
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Welcome back, Sara Jessica! Thanks for sharing! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  9. #9
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Hi Sara,
    Nice to hear from u. I can assure u, u never let me down in any way. Quite the opposite. U helped me discover the T events in Vegas where I could experiment and find out who Sherry really was. Which all led up to the person or people I am today! I can never thank u enuff for all your caring acceptance.

    If u ever need me, I'm here. I still think of those special times with my special T friend and the special gifts she gave me! Cheers!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  10. #10
    Out for a walk EricaCD's Avatar
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    Of all the weird co-incidences. I don't care to remember how long it was since I last checked in here... and by dumb luck I happen on this thread from you less than two days after you wrote it! Tell me there's no weird karma at work there.

    Anyway, glad to hear that you are well and in a good place on your gender journey. As Sherry said, forget any notion of "failing" us. Friendship doesn't work like that. (And "forsaken"?!? C'mon...) Our friendship has been anchored in much more than trans-ness for a long feckin' time at this point. The particulars of your gender don't matter to me; only that you are sufficiently happy with the outcome.

    And now, back into hiding.

    ~ Erica
    For photos on flickr, my user name is cd_erica_f

  11. #11
    Sunshine Gal AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    A lot of the old guard has moved on. It is inevitable that a lot of us feel like we have read it all by now, put forth our opinions ad infinitum and have found we are comfortable without the training wheels any more. And then there are those who left either because time has decreed it or because something inside has withered. For some, their shadows still prowl these halls even without the corporeal presence.
    But I always felt that if we can mourn a lost state of mind then we always will have the hunger to bring it back one day, even if we cannot always apply the same rule to friendships.

  12. #12
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    I remember u well Sara Jessica. Sometimes we had some heated disagreements, but also some good interactions on the forum. I am not on here much anymore either, and have not dressed up for months now. Getting closer to the end of this physical life, and other important issues of merely having a place to live, mental and physical health issues, and the now very uncertain, insane time we are in. I still think of beautiful dresses, hose, heels, skirt suits, etc, but dont have much energy for it anymore. We are the same complex amazing beings capable of great good, no matter what gender of clothing we are wearing. Best to you, take care.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  13. #13
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    I've thought of this thread just about daily since writing it. Gosh knows I've been too exhausted with life to get back here to do it justice once again. And who knew what I'd find in returning sometime after 5/22 and before 5/24.

    I value all of the posts here. I thought @Lydianne had a rather intimidating curiosity...

    But I would love to read more detail about the no "meaningful gender expression that is true to my nature" line.

    It is only intimidating because it reinforces my current truth. There is utterly no expression. Mercifully in a pandemic world of 15+ months of working from home, I'm not pining for anything. No outings into the real world. No stewing desire to have alone time at home. Nothing.

    But let me make something crystal clear. The essence of my being remains intact despite my dysphoria being in the negative range. It isn't like a switch flipped off and I became something different than I was. it's just that the expression part of my equation is no longer mandatory of late.

    Mercy has a strange way of working.


    Quote Originally Posted by docrobbysherry View Post
    Hi Sara,
    Nice to hear from u. I can assure u, u never let me down in any way. Quite the opposite. U helped me discover the T events in Vegas where I could experiment and find out who Sherry really was. Which all led up to the person or people I am today! I can never thank u enuff for all your caring acceptance.

    If u ever need me, I'm here. I still think of those special times with my special T friend and the special gifts she gave me! Cheers!
    Sherry, all I can say is that it is only a matter of time that you get a random text message from me suggesting we go out for a coffee or beer (depending on the time of day, or not!). I miss everything about you and love our amazing memories.

    Quote Originally Posted by EricaCD View Post
    Of all the weird co-incidences. I don't care to remember how long it was since I last checked in here... and by dumb luck I happen on this thread from you less than two days after you wrote it! Tell me there's no weird karma at work there.

    Anyway, glad to hear that you are well and in a good place on your gender journey. As Sherry said, forget any notion of "failing" us. Friendship doesn't work like that. (And "forsaken"?!? C'mon...) Our friendship has been anchored in much more than trans-ness for a long feckin' time at this point. The particulars of your gender don't matter to me; only that you are sufficiently happy with the outcome.

    And now, back into hiding.

    ~ Erica
    No, it wasn't coincidence. If there is such thing as a cosmic connection, we have it. Version History and a leap of faith brought us together. Friendship transcends (you made that clear during one of our early outings) and endures. Although it isn't as easy to reconnect as it might be with Sherry, we will do so sooner than later.

    Memory for today...

    I hope Erica doesn't mind if I share this from a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. May 2009 to be precise.

    After several days of vacationing in Vegas last Thursday-Sunday, you'd think I have had enough of girl mode for the time being. But when opportunity presents itself, sometimes it has to be seized. And with my dear friend Erica making another visit from the east coast, I couldn't resist the chance to share with her my DLV adventures in the first person.

    So we met on Monday at Del Amo, a mall which is convenient for both of us. Erica wanted to pick something up at Ann Taylor but more importantly, some great dining options are at the opposite end of this maze of a mall from where we met up. Erica suggested we return to PF Changs where we dined the last time we got together in this area. See the following for a refresher...

    (sorry, link no longer works)


    I replied that I should have looked into my email history to find the names of the server and manager who treated us so nice. Oh well I thought, but as we walked into the restaurant, we were greeted with instant (and enthusiastic) recognition from the manager and hostess!!! Our waitress wasn't working that night but we were served by a very nice young man who treated us wonderfully as well. So the manager stopped by a few times during our time there and even spent some quality time, once to look at my Vegas pictures and then she proceeded to have a several minute conversation with Erica in Spanish.

    All in all a wonderful evening. It was great to catch up once again with Erica as I had to apologize for totally monopolizing the conversation with talk of my trip, something she was all good with! I have to say I'm looking forward to her next visit when hopefully we can return to this wonderful establishment where we are treated like absolute royalty...the only surprise this time was of the pleasant variety in being remembered so fondly after about six months!!!

    Here's a picture of Erica and I in the restaurant...

    IMG_0183smaller2.jpg

    Back to 2021...It is important to note that Del Amo isn't really any less of a maze after all these years.
    Last edited by Sara Jessica; 06-09-2021 at 11:00 PM.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  14. #14
    Silver Member Leslie Mary S's Avatar
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    From one part-timer to another part-timer; Welcome Back.
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  15. #15
    -1.#QNaN Lydianne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sara Jessica View Post
    Mercy has a strange way of working.
    Thank you for responding.

    As it happens, you have answered the exact query I had. I could have been more precise with the question, but I wanted you write freely wherever you wanted to go rather than answering within the framework of a specific question.

    In view of the disappearance of everything you had held true and then mentioning the "[truth] of your nature", I was wondering how/whether that truth actually still endured, as you appeared to indicate. I was asking with the hope of working myself towards what you have rather than me trying to split hairs.


    But yeah, I can personally verify that the whole thing works strangely.


    Many thanks, all the best, and keep healthy!

    - L.

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