This is eating me up!

[braveshane]

I want to first thank you for allowing me to join this group. I've been so alone in my world all of my life and I have been looking for a place where I can pour my heart out about a very secret part of myself. I'm already feeling emotional because I'm sitting here fully dressed in tights, panties and a dress I bought myself. Since I was a little boy I have secretly longed to be feminized in the most vivid way. Even in church growing up I can remember wishing that my mother would zip me into a young girl's Easter dress, buckle my feet into glistening black patent Mary Janes, seal me up in tights over my panties and then walk me into church. I can hear the sound of my mary janes clacking as I'm led into the foyer. I would imagine my mom watching me sink into a curtsy in front of the other boys who were pointing at me as I blushed red. The dynamic of having my mom there seeing me dressed as a little girl for the boys was very powerful for me. To this day I still imagine this scene and many others. How my mom would feel seeing her son so vividly feminized?! My thoughts about it send waves of emotions through me like electricity. I think about the intense nervousness and vulnerability I would feel...the embarrassment and shame of my mom and others seeing the true sissy that I am. These kinds of thoughts have driven themselves deeply into my sexuality as I've gotten older. The things I've imagined touch me so deeply but I've been afraid to tell anyone about them and how they effect me sexually. As I write this I am trembling. I feel like I am the only person in the world who has had thoughts like this.

I'm now 37 and have never been able to make a relationship with a woman work. I find myself engulfed in my own fantasies of being dressed and feminized in numerous, often taboo ways. I feel ashamed a lot, but my shame only makes the thoughts more powerful. I'm sinking into an abyss of my own fantasies and I'm scared at how far this could go. Oh my God I wish my mom was seeing me right now! Is that crazy? She would see what has become of her little boy! I hope I am not the only one who thinks about things like this!

I know I've shared a lot here but I'm glad that I'm able to share things like this with you all! I'm Shane but have always longed to be called Sarah