I introduced Lucy to my fiancé last night, it was terrible! I was told I was hideous.

[Just-Lucy]

It's made me feel un-sexy and useless. Plus been told not to be Lucy again or she will leave. ANY ADVICE?

[Caden Lane]

How did you do this introduction? Did you simply come out of a room dressed or had you built up to it?

[Just-Lucy]

Slow build. The other day we joked around with one of her dresses the last night she drunkenly did my make up. Then after I showed her a picture of Lucy and got that reaction. She said was all fun when seemed a joke but changed now as worried where will lead. I have tried to instill that nothing changes for us and that I'm straight and happy

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She seems to think it deviant and taboo

[Caden Lane]

That doesn't seem like a slow build up to it. That sounds like one or two different instances where it was joked or talked about. That is a lot to heap up in anybodies life.

You are unfortunately stuck in damage control mode; if you feel the relationship is A) worth it and B) salvageable, then keep working at trying to normalize it in her eyes and talk to her. But be aware; you can over talk it. If it becomes the only thing you ever talk about, it will be a tedious topic to her. I would sincerely ask her why she feels it is deviant and taboo in this modern world, and if so, why she had partaken in the dressup game (without seeming to attack her, this is a fact finding question). If she answers you honestly, be prepared with responses to hers. Step lightly, be gentle. point out where you can how its not deviant or taboo, how it enriches your life, how it makes you a better man, better lover, better in a relationship. Best of luck to you.

Ever & Always,
Cadence Lane

[Sarah Louise]

Hi Lucy, sorry it hasn't gone well. It's difficult for us to offer much support without more information about your back story and how things built up to where you are now. Could you let us know more?

In saying this, I think it's not that surprising that your fiance has second thoughts in the cold light of day after the drunken antics of the night before. Your obviously planning your whole lives together. If dressing is part of you, you owe it to her and yourself to find some quiet time with her and explain this part of you. Tell her that you'll be completely honest with her and will answer all her questions.

Hopefully, in time, she'll accept this part of you. If she does, go slow and don't over-whelm her. Also, don't forget to still be the man she fell in love with.

Good luck. I wish you well.

[Just-Lucy]

You probably right, I most likely went too quickly. Just sorta pushed its way out. Been on my mind a lot. I will give her a day or so to sink in before approaching it again. She's the love of my life and I only want to share myself with her. Thank you and I will take your advice wholeheartedly

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Re : back story

I started dressing at 14. Had lost a lot of friends and family when I told them about it back then, I told when 15. Since I have hidden myself as worried of repercussions. I love my partner and we have been together for 4 yrs and just got engaged. I don't want us to marry and have secrets . When she said I was hideous it really knocked me. But I think was just her coping mechanism. She said her biggest worry is if I was to walk around as Lucy as she couldn't cope if I wanted to be a woman. I told how I feel, that I'm not a woman or man in that sense but just me. I wear what I feel good in, male or female

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I'm waiting for site to put my profile pic up so u can see Lucy

[Robin414]

Wow Lucy, I'm sorry to hear that. I can't offer any valuable advice other than maybe a DADT thing, at least you wouldn't have to worry about 'getting caught'?

[docrobbysherry]

You're young, Lucy. I suggest a LONG engagement.

I'll bet there some other things u may need to discuss and work out before u tie the knot that blinds!?

[Sallee]

let her go you don't need the agony that will only get worse for you Avoid a marriage no matter how hot and nice she might be

[chelyann]

i would wait a week or three before you say a word

[Sarah Louise]

Sallee, that's a very cynical response. Just because Lucy's fiancé reacted negatively doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. Initially, my wife reacted negatively when I told her about me. However, she very quickly accepted this part of me.

Yes, Lucy could have come up with a better way to tell, but if the relationship is strong, there's every chance that things will work out positively.

Lucy, as I said in my earlier response, find a quiet time for a chat and be completely honest with her. Hopefully, in time, she will accept you on some level.

[Leslie Langford]

sarah, I have to agree with Sallee on this point in the absence of any further information on this incident.

It's one thing for a wife or an SO to react negatively to such a reveal at the first blush - in fact, it would be highly unusual if she didn't, given the stigma that society still attaches to crossdressing. And a reasonable, intelligent woman will find a way to reach an accommodation with that if the relationship is on an otherwise solid foundation and she really loves and cherishes her partner.

But when a woman beings to issue ultimatums of the "My way, or the highway" variety, that to me is a major red flag in terms of how she views the relationship dynamic. In that instance, my reaction would also be "Buh bye, and don't let the door hit you on the posterior on the way out", especially when the level of commitment between the two parties is still in the early stages, and there are no children involved yet. Why set oneself up for years of grief when there is already such a huge elephant in the room at the outset?

Then there's the old truism that men tend to marry women in the hopes that they will never change, whereas women marry men with the expectation that they can mold them in their own image and purge them of all their alleged "bad" habits and other perceived personal failings.

Within that context, a partner's need for crossdressing can be seen as a major challenge for a woman so inclined to try to eradicate, and that is bound to be accompanied by years of pain for both sides.

[gabyespinotv]

man up or lose her, or become more passable. if you don't look hot..she's not gonna like you as a woman. She doesn't have a cd fetish...you do.

[Helen_Highwater]

Lucy,

Can you describe what it was you were wearing for the big reveal? The style of your clothing could have a big influence upon your SO's reaction. Dressed overly sexy, i.e. like a hooker, could leave many GG's deeply shocked and result in a bad reaction. Also clothing that isn't the correct sizes for your build can make anyone look bad.

Being called hideous may in itself not be a reaction to you as a CD'er just your presentation on the night

[Lorileah]

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I'm waiting for site to put my profile pic up so u can see Lucy

This site doesn't wait to post your photo, you just upload it

[Just-Lucy]

From what she has said since is that her worry was that I looked better than she feels of herself and that although I'm comfortable in my skin, that she's not in hers. She also worried that I would want to go female full time then leave her. I have told her that I would never leave her and that she's the number one girl. She atm doesn't wanna be reminded of Lucy and she needs time , time that she believes won't help re pic I've uploaded it a few times and will try again. I wore a purple long length dress, open back, ruffled high neck, natural makeup and natural human hair extensions cut to an a symmetrical style (Bob on one side to Jessica bunny on other in my natural colour) hopefully I'll figure pic out today x

[Tina_gm]

Just some thoughts here. While you will read many posts on here of wives, gf's or some other S/O who accepts, participates, advises or in some way helps, or perhaps just doesn't mind all that much, there are many women who do not take well to gender variance. They just want their men to be men and nothing else. Some (and the reasons are numerous) just cannot handle, cope or deal with in any real way with gender variance.

Many who do eventually accept and maybe do participate will at 1st have difficulty with it all. I cannot say for certain that your fiance is one who will or won't. But, what I am saying is that if she is one who never will be accept it, there is nothing you can do to change that. No way of going about it. No way of being the super human companion to her in all other ways. Her emotions so far seem to be fairly typical, so it is hard to predict if she will be able to accept this in time or not. Only time will tell. Please do not harshly judge either you or her on her lack of acceptance. Ultimately it will be her who can or cannot. You can help this if in time she is able. But you will not be able to do anything to make someone accept something they are not able to.

[Magnetar GG]

From the sound of it, I don't think this is going to end well.
You can't promise to stop dressing (please, don't make any promises you can't keep... you have DECADES ahead of you), and considering you had been dressing since you were 15, why did you wait until four years into a relationship and engaged to tell her? At least you didn't wait until after you were married.
And unless she comes around and tells you she accepts Lucy, I would let her go. Be honest with her when she asks, say you can't give up on something that is a part of you, and you respect that it's her choice whether or not she wants to be married to a CDer. From a GGs perspective, it can really put a huge strain on your relationship. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who loves and accepts you completely? Do you want to take that chance and be with someone who wants to change you?

[Jenniferathome]

... her worry was that I looked better than she feels of herself and that although I'm comfortable in my skin, that she's not in hers. ...

I'm now confused as you state in the OP that she said you look hideous but above you state quite the opposite. BTW, women might "say" that but in no way does a man dressed as a woman, look better than a woman.

... you respect that it's her choice whether or not she wants to be married to a CDer. ...

Magnetar, I was one of the many that came out to my wife after 24+ years of marriage. The "why" of me waiting so long is partial denial in the early part of marriage and simple cowardice and humiliation in the latter part. To your point above, after I told my wife, in one of our many conversations, I asked if she would have married me had I told her BEFORE we got married. She honestly said, she didn't know, but probably. I think the "probably" is because of the decades we have been together, she can look back and say it was all worth it. If she could have only looked forward, I wonder. We'll never know. But, I do agree with you, I SHOULD HAVE been honest, long before we were engaged.

[Sarah Louise]

Lucy, I don't think you should give up on your relationship just yet. As you say she is the love of your life. Presumably, she loves you too as you've been together for four years and are planning to get married.

I agree with others that you need to be honest with her. If you can't stop dressing (let's face it you probably can't - not indefinitely anyway) then you should say so. You don't want to promise to stop only to be caught out later. Most So's say that the lying is the worst thing.

But I don't agree that your relationship is probably doomed. Your relationship is important to you so fight for it. You do need to talk this through with her. If not now, then at some point in the future when she's had some time to process what's happened. It may be that she doesn't accept you and you call it a day. But she could, in time, accept you at some level. You won't know until you try.

Good luck!

[Tina_gm]

Perhaps it might help to know how long had she been aware of your CDing? Did you simply introduce Lucy to your fiance as a way of coming out, or was there discussion leading up to it? and how long after the discussions did you introduce your fiance to Lucy?

[Just-Lucy]

New day and feeling good. She's coming to terms and on. The mend. She's been Bk and forth as u can see. But love holds true and Lucy gets to stay

[Sarah Louise]

Well that's good news! I can't say I'm surprised. As I indicated in my previous post, you don't just throw a four year relationship away without giving it a go. Well I don't think most would.

Lucy, don't take her apparent acceptance/tolerance for granted. She'll probably have good days and bad days with it, at least for a while. As I said before don't over-whelm her with your dressing, be sensitive to her feelings and don't forget to be the man she fell in love with.

[Stephanie47]

Lucy, every day will be a "New Day." On this subject of non acceptance, then acceptance, then non acceptance, the pendulum swings all the time. You can peruse many threads and postings on this issue on this site. There is a four year history with your girlfriend, but, really the history has reset the moment you brought up the subject of being a cross-dresser. My only recommendation is "do not get her pregnant." If she truly accepts this side of you, and, you and her agree on boundaries, then the relationship may be on firm grounds. Any changes in the boundaries need to be subject to negotiation and not demands. Hopefully, it will work out for you.

[phili]

Hi Lucy,
I'm in the middle of a similar situation, so I'll chime in. I actually told my wife before we got married,and she seemed ok with it and during our honeymooon I was able to wear some lingerie with no ill effect. When our daughter was born, she said, you really have to stop since it will be too difficult, etc, and at that time she was certainly right. THe bad part is that she forgot all about all of it over the next 28 years and I didn't keep it alive. So when I retired and realized the pink wave was rising up and breaking over me, and introduced her to me as I see myself, she freaked out- badly. I didn't expect it- I thought it was simple. But its not.

She has tried to be neutral and non-reactive when I dress in women's clothes, but for her it is a giant gap and she sees no way to cross it- despite the obvious reasons. She is really suffering, I can see that. We are doing DADT right now, but I am coming out to people day by day now and am confident that men really can wear dresses and be feminine and life goes on, and she can't imagine it. The intimacy of marriage demands a much better correlated set of psyches! I'm now having to start all over again connecting to her in ways that are strong enough that she can see my longings in a positive light, as something normal.

I'm coming out to others, which is good, since it establishes a biut of safety for her that addresses one key fear- shame and loss of esteem as a woman [binary culture training.] But she said things like 'dresses belong to me'- she is working hard to be a successful woman, catch and keeping a man, and she feels that my wearing a dress throws her fundamental identity and safety in the culture into disarray. this can obviously change, but it takes a strong person and a lot of motivation - which yes is a measure of how much she wants to be your partner.

But you can't deny your own gender identity- and in the end it doesn't make sense to do it.


Phil

So before you get married, see if you can come to an agreement that feels good and let it ride for a year- push the marriage out a bit, and make the process of self discovery and revelation and getting to know each other central to your relationship- [it needs to be]. My practical suggestion is to take a lesson from the book on negotiation, and see if you can establish a conversation with her on this basis- "let's not take positions, or ask for commitments [except to have the discussion] lets' share information about ourselves."

It took me a while to get used to seeing men with facial hair in dresses, and feeling good and supportive and at ease, and I are one! Goofy- but the depth of programming in the binary culture is really deep and you don't undo it quickly. So the main point is not to focus on this problem in particular, but to establish a BIG network of shared values, appreciations for each others' character and spirit, and who is good at what, etc, how you are feeling about all sorts of things.

As you talk about the huge constellation of things in life that you care about, your feelings of working together and exploring and communicating acceptance will grow. Then you work on the difficult things- see if you can talk about money, religion, etc first. Then clothing choices, behavior norms, what we will teach our children about God, helping the poor, bullying, etc can come before the hot spots of gender, etc. How does she want to raise a girl? That will be a great springboard for how to raise a boy.