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Thread: I still want to be "in the closet"

  1. #1
    Dreaming is half the fun.
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    Smile I still want to be "in the closet"

    I know that many "girls" here do have an open relationship with their SO, and some want to be accepted as CD's or TS, that all fine fine but as for me looking at what I chose to be I want and chose to be in the closet, and at my age I really don't think I will ever come out, it's one of those things that some times we all have to choose to do, afther doing a deep examination of me, I still don't want to come out or share my CDing with anybody in my circle of friends or family, and only dressup when I really I'm sure that it's completely safe and will not be outed, even if that takes a year or two, but how about you?

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member Georgina's Avatar
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    I'm over sixty, and I find as I grow older, I want to tell people. I wish for the day that I don't have to change back when I have visitors.

  3. #3
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    My observation is that, in general, in this life, decisions about your life made based on fear do not result in being authentic, nor in the best outcomes for you as a person. There are costs to being out, but no one ever tallies the costs of staying closeted. At least not until they become unbearable.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member Lacey New's Avatar
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    Alma,
    I'm exactly in the same place as you are. My life as a guy is rich and comfortable. My dressing is my own private thing that adds a little spice to my life. I am comfortable with only dressing privately when it is safe even if those times are limited. I have no desire to blow up the foundations of my life: Friends, work, family and especially, my spouse. Like everyone else on this site, I am out anonymously and I am out anonymously to a few sales associates who have helped me try on dresses, but beyond that, no one really knows. I have been tempted to confide in a relative who is a psychologist / social worker thinking she would be professional and keep it quiet and she would probably be most understanding but why risk it? So, you are not alone with your choices.

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member msniki48's Avatar
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    Well Said Paula.

    Where do you draw that line...

    hugs

    msniki
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  6. #6
    Aspiring Member Mykaa's Avatar
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    why wouldnt I want to share who I am? No some people dont or cant understand, thats not everyone though.
    Mykaa is me! Discovering Peace throughout from the Girl within.
    David Bowie "Don't stay in a sad place Where they don't care how you are..."
    Disturbed The Light "The truth is waiting there for you to find it
    It's not a blight, but a remedy"

  7. #7
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    Alma, you seem to be very guarded about this which makes me think that most people in your life wouldn't understand and accept your secret. I understand where you're coming from.

    I haven't kept this a complete secret, but I'm not about to come out to the world either. I told my GF and sister over 35 years ago and it was a relief to share it with someone. I've also told every woman that I had a serious relationship with since then. I can see how coming out to everyone would be cathartic and honest, but I've lived my entire life as a guy. If anyone finds out that I cross dress I'll live and deal with that. That doesn't mean I have to have a coming out party.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  8. #8
    Senior Member Karen RHT's Avatar
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    If that works for you Alma, then all well and good.

    As for me, I've gone a different direction and enjoy it immensely.


    Karen

  9. #9
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    I don't think anyone truly "wants" to be in the closet. Based on what you are saying, you are choosing to remain there for reasons which seem to work for your situation. But I'm not thinking you'd say this is an ideal place to be. If you think about dressing daily but can only carve out the super-secret-ultra-secure-cannot-be-caught opportunity once a year, then it seems to be far from ideal.

    The other consideration for anyone who is so deep in the closet where not a single soul knows, regardless of age, is that what happens when your super-secret-private stash is discovered should something unfortunate happen to you? And I'm not speaking to how that would affect you, you wouldn't be around to care. How would this affect those closest to you when the discovery is made? This is what trips me out most about those who are so deeply embedded, the fallout thereafter. And that is a tale we never hear because there is no one around to tell it.
    Last edited by Sara Jessica; 06-02-2016 at 07:54 AM.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  10. #10
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    this all comes down to your definition of what 'out' means. I Dress mostly at home,occasionally make a few forays out into the world & have gone away for a couple of weekends 'en femme.' My wife knows and kind of grudgingly accepts but doesn't participate. My sister knows and she & I have gone out together.But, I have no desire to let everyone of my friends and family know. I'm perfectly happy bering a guy and doing guy stuff & being a husband and a Dad. Nobody else needs to know that I enjoy dressing and presenting as female from time to time. So am i denying my 'actual self"?? I don't think so. Am I 'out'?? guess not. So yeah, I agree we've all got our different paths.

  11. #11
    Silver Member daviolin's Avatar
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    I was in the closet all my life. Not a soul new of my likes as a dresser. I came out to my wife 10 years ago. Plus my immediate family. I got on the band wagon and started to go out and enjoy my feminine side to the max. About three years into this trip I got bored. So I went back into the closet, when it comes to full dress up and make up. I do dress in women's clothes completely. But the average joe would never know. Daviolin
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    A CD AND HIS WARDROBE, ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING.

  12. #12
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    Hi Alma

    If it’s good for you, that’s fine. I have a similar view to that expressed by Lacey.

    My male life is good and I do not want to risk the problems that would almost certainly arise if I was to ‘come out”. My SO tolerates my dressing so I am willing to be closeted, although enjoy the freedom to be Vikky around the house when she is away for a few days.

    Vikky
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    Adventure before dementia

  13. #13
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    I have to stay in the closet,I can not tell family,especially mother,because I am secretly wearing her clothes now,as she works.I am sitting at my computer wearing her mini
    skirt,one of her silky soft blouses&a fresh,unopened pkg of her pantyhose&a pair of black heels
    "Love&Kisses"
    Michelle

  14. #14
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    I'm still in the closet but that door has opened a time or two. It has been a while but have gone out dressed as a woman and it feels wonderful. If I had a smaller vehicle that I could use and get into a parking spot easier I would go out more often.

  15. #15
    Junior Member Tabitha_Sinn's Avatar
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    alma, I am not exactly "in the closet", as the people close to me already know I crossdress. But I have decided to keep it a private thing these days. I have no need for others acceptance or approval and don't always crossdress. Therefore, there's not really much benefit to me going out dressed. I would if the situation was right ( meeting another "girl" for lunch or coffee and to chat), but other than that I am very happy just doing it privately and for my own benefit.

    The decision is absolutely yours and there is nothing wrong with your decision either way :-)

  16. #16
    Senior Member Suzanne F's Avatar
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    I respect your right to stay in the closet. However, where do you think the shame and guilt come from??? Why the need to hide to keep your comfortable male life? So us TS women and crossdressers who are out are trying to give future generations the gift of being themselves guilt free. Only as more people realize they know gender variant friends and family will they realize we are on average decent human beings with an acceptable twist. So stay in the closet if you must but realize it is about guilt, shame and privilege.

  17. #17
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    Alma,
    If you're happy with that, why change, there are no rules .
    We all have different needs I couldn't stand the closet any more, I called it solitary confinement , I had to break out. To finally walk out the door dressed just brought all the aspects of my CDing together, it justified the effort and thought that goes into it, the shopping trips to get an outfit together, getting checked for my skin colour to improve my makeup. I enjoy the interaction with SAs, Cding has become totally enjoyable, Teresa has come to life and it feels good.
    I admitted to my wife recently that going out has brought a balance, I no longer use her things unless she offers me something, she accepts I shop for myself to buy things that suit me . She still chooses not to see me but is prepared to give me the all clear for me to drive from our home . All this has taken too long to happen so I certainly won't be going back in the closet it wasn't a happy place for me.

  18. #18
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Alma, It is Ok to be and stay where you are at in this. Each is on a different path, with different things to deal with. I am 98% in the closet, but managed to push fear aside, and go walking in public seven times last summer. Hoping to go out three or four times this summer, if able to. But, it is a rare thing, and many miles from where i live, walking around a University, far off town, city band concert in the park bandshell. I actually went into a bakery, and post office last summer, and made purchases! But, going out is a rare thing for me, too, and for some it is extremely traumatic, and risking their wife, kids, and livelihood. Each has their own path. One thing i need to do, and maybe you, is put all lady things into boxes marked, "For charities." Like one said, if something bad happened to us, death, or serious injury, we won't be as easily outed when relatives or friends find our secret stash. I need to do this soon, for sure. If my brother or sister found out, they would make life a lot worse than it already is for me.
    Last edited by Alice Torn; 06-02-2016 at 02:53 PM.

  19. #19
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    If society excepted CDing as normal I would be out.
    I'm pretty sure most of my family would think it was NO big deal.

    When I was a teen I would CD with friends, guys and girls, it was always fun. My mother said it was a phase.

    After getting married the get togethers faded fast, my wife thought it was time to grow up. So I went into the closet.

    I wouldn't be surprized if I lost my job if they thought I was a CDer when they don't like somone they have ways to make you hate work and quit.
    I've seen them do it to three people.
    Last edited by Judy-Somthing; 06-02-2016 at 08:36 PM. Reason: TYPO
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  20. #20
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    There r closet dressers and then, there r closet dressers!

    I am a closet dresser. No one knows what I do except my immediate family. But, I get out a lot. Just ask the 100's of dressers I've personally met. I only dress away from my home town. Which is where I've met all of them!

    No matter how much I go out, I LOVE dressing in private more than anything! And, suspect I always will.
    Last edited by docrobbysherry; 06-03-2016 at 08:41 PM.
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  21. #21
    New Member NotSoSocial's Avatar
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    Honestly I've been a closet dresser for years, I hate every moment of it and plan to just dress full time once I move out of my hometown. Owning two wardrobes is kind of a hassle, and hiding all my makeup and shoes is just a pain. As a closet dresser I'd been caught a few times and the thought of someone catching me makes me constantly anxious. I still live at home and decided to tell my parents after years of keeping everything under lock and because I got tired of hiding all my clothes (plus the wardrobe kept growing) and they would eventually find out anyways.

    On a side note, I've always been kind of a loner and I don't have a lot of friends or family to disappoint or get shunned by.

  22. #22
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    I am still closeted and am likely to remain as such for quite a while. I firmly believe that it's in one's best interests to at least be out (whether coming out or being outed) to a few loved ones; sometimes you won't get to choose whom. While I want to tell people openly, I am by and large selective and have only come out to those who have explicitly discussed crossdressing in whatever context prior. No matter how important it is (still in a stage of repression despite moving past denial), this is still part of me. And I certainly want to share it. That's why I'm here; my closet is effectively bulletproof glass by now.

  23. #23
    Lisa_vin lisa_vin's Avatar
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    I'm only "out" to my wife and her sister and that's as far as it ever needs to go. Her sister knows only because my wife "confided" in her during her meltdown when she "discovered" my cd'ing after 20+ years in the closet. Counseling has left our relationship as strictly DADT so the closet is just fine with me when it comes to everybody else.

    I would suggest, however, that you do tell your wife or SO before they "accidentally" find out to save y'all from having to face massive turmoil in your lives!
    Lisa

  24. #24
    Dreaming is half the fun.
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    Quote Originally Posted by msniki48 View Post
    Well Said Paula.

    Where do you draw that line...

    hugs

    msniki
    Where I draw the line is where my wife would be hurt and devastated, in our marriage we have had many problems over more than twenty years, I've seen how just the tough the I may not love her or may leave her sometimes because of my work I've to travel away and that makes very worry, another time she found a recipt that for some feminine items that I could not explain, I choose to be the loving husband and father and only let Alma come out when it is completely safe for her, that where I draw the line

  25. #25
    Aspiring Member Fiona123's Avatar
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    I am out with my wife but on a DADT basis. Otherwise I am very much closeted. I don't see that changing anytime soon.🌺

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