Messed up

[Emma or Darren]

So about 3 weeks ago I came out to my wife she looks at me like a deer in the head lights and kept saying Im not sure what you want me to say.
With that reaction I kinda retreated abit by trying to play it down saying I felt silly and I dont understand it myself ( annoyed with myself for saying those things) .
I then let the dust settle awaiting for a good time to discuss the topic but not wanting to push things.
Today she came across a pair of hot pink panties in the dryer ( I had been sorting the washing today with intension to see it through to the end but had to drop my son off at a friend's, unexpectedly she finished it) she asked me whos they where so I just said mine and Ive been wanting to discuss it further shes retorted whats there to talk about and said in no uncertain terms she wont live with me dressing up.
As she clearly wont talk about it I wondered wether writing a letter or email might be the way to go?
Feeling lost
Emma

[Sarah Louise]

Well you could try writing a letter as people tend to read them. If she's not going to talk about it, then it may be your only chance to say everything you need to say. It's a risk though, as it sounds like she's threatening to split up with you if you carry on.

Maybe, if you have to dress and can't stop, you do it in secret and hope you don't get caught. It's sad, but at least you tried and many get their fix that way.

[Thictoria]

Hi Emma, sorry it didn't go well and maybe her thoughts are running wild at the moment as I know mine did. My so sent me letter explaining how he felt and it helped me. Maybe send her an email with some links on it about cross dressing definitely including this site as has helped me a lot! You know your wife better than anyone so wait for the right time and be open and honest. I hope it works out for you and in the way you want it to!! I wouldn't push to much though so you don't split up over it xx

[Marcelle]

Hi Emma,

Unfortunately that is the net effect of the "big reveal" it either goes one of two ways: (1) acceptance on some level; or (2) exit visas. In your case the fact your wife did not run screaming for the hills bodes well in that she could just be processing the information and needs time. The only advice I can provide is give her a bit more breathing room and then approach the subject again. You might try for some common ground such as a DADT arrangement. However, if she is adamant that she will not abide by any dressing at any time . . . you have some tough choices ahead of you. What I don't recommend is to continue dressing in secret now that she knows . . . if she finds out it will only go bad.

Good luck

Marcelle

[Emma or Darren]

Thank you all for your advice this forum is invaluable as its so hard to talk about this subject to anyone.
Once again I will let the dust settle and then compose an email detailing everything with links as suggested
I get the feeling she thinks it can be just turned off but as we all know thats not the case.
Once again thank you all
Emma

[Piora]

I agree with others who said to send a letter or email. Perhaps though, it might show how much you care by writing it yourself. As in by hand. If she sees how important this is to you, and how important she is to you, she might soften. This has been a big shock to her, obviously. Keep the communication open. But, don't force it, and back off if you see that she's not willing to do that right now. Writing the letter will certainly be beneficial to you as well. Good luck, and keep your spirits up!

[NicoleScott]

You said she doesn't want to talk about it. The letter makes her think about it, and you're hoping that it will force a conversation she doesn't want to have. At this point, she knows. Leave it there for now. Give her time, and meanwhile, retreat to the closet, and be more careful.
No letter or email. If things don't go well, she'll have "documentation" to use against you.

[Ressie]

No letter or email. If things don't go well, she'll have "documentation" to use against you.

I agree with this. From my experience, most spouses look at crossdressing as a big problem. The longer one is into the relationship without confessing to it, the less likely there will be acceptance. And sometimes the acceptance isn't real either.

[Jenniferathome]

Emma, there is nothing she can "use against you" whether you write it or not. That's just fear mongering by some. There is nothing illegal, immoral, or harmful about cross dressing. Will she out you? That's for you to decide.

You're going to have to talk as some point. You could offer to see a counselor together. The third party can facilitate a conversation in a safe way. Can you try a simple question like, "Honey, I know you're shocked by what I told you can we talk about what bothers you?"

[docrobbysherry]

Your post rang a bell with me, Emma. Your wife's answer was almost the exact same one I received when I told the last girl I seriously dated.

We had been going out for awhile. On our previous date, we ended up in her condo and started getting physical before I left. On our next and last date, I told her about Sherry when we got back to her condo after dinner and drinks.

She just kept saying, "I don't know what to say", over and over.

[AllisonS]

Crossdressing is not illegal (in most places) but outing someone is. Search "public disclosure of private facts". If you ever start to get into that situation it may help the potential outer to know their legal standing.

[chelyann]

i would let the dust settle and see what happens, she may just need a lttle time and it may end in a DADT thing,
just take it slow..

[NicoleScott]

Give her a letter or email and you lose control of who knows. There goes plausible deniability - you can't say she's just a disgruntled ex trying to damage your reputation, because she has it in writing from the horse's mouth. It may not be illegal or immoral, but damage can be done to your family, friends, and workplace relationships.
It's naive to think nothing bad can happen.

[Tina_gm]

I would not force a conversation at this point. Trying to do so will only make things worse. I know you read many great stories of acceptance on here, and participating wives. yes, some do not mind it, some may even like it. Many wives and girlfriends don't care at all for it and want nothing to do with any sort of gender variance. Just know that there is nothing YOU are doing wrong. There may be nothing you can ever do that will make her feel differently.

How she feels today may always be the way she feels, but, many partners who feel this way at 1st do soften up their rigid no way no how stance. She may never like it, most really don't care for it. That is why it is called acceptance. That is ok too.

[Lorileah]

She just kept saying, "I don't know what to say", over and over.

Keith Whitley said "You say it best, when you say nothing at all."

Now I have to wonder...why would a letter or email make things WORSE if your wife is going to take you to court or out you? Damn Daniel, is everyone out there a blackmailer? You have such low opinions of spouses. And why does a marriage need one person in control? I must have a different idea of marriage and love (Thus I am single)

Writing a letter or email is only for ONE reason. You can't live with things the way they are. It is for YOU not her. She has made a decision. You don't like it. If you write a letter, will it make things better? If the answer is "no", then I wouldn't do it. And honestly the answer will be "no" far more than "yes or "I'll take that into consideration". It will change things, and if you aren't willing to accept that it may very well make things far worse, then let it lie. You have already violated trust.

Brings to mind another song "let it go" for now

[Robin414]

Unless you're both Hollywood 'A' listers you married for a good reason, right? Get back to the...reason!

So you like flying model airplanes on the weekend and your SO HATES model airplanes (my sister was the same way, but she still let him build model airplanes!)

Don't apologize for building model airplanes!

You might not be a pilot, but it's OK to pretend once in a while!