Why so many fights here?

[JeanetteX]

Through PMs I have been discussing this topic a lot recently with a few very good friends of mine on the forum. And we all agree...lately it seems there is a lot of hate and fighting going on here, up to a point even where it gets really annoying. Can't we all be a little nicer to each other? We all have our own story to tell, our own reasons, and our own needs. Can't we respect that from each other? We're all here to find support, help, friends and even love! Let's not fight and hate, but let's talk and support instead.

Love, Jeanette

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

nice post Jeanette as the old saying goes "united we stand divided we fall"

[Kate Simmons]

Oh I agree with you Jeanette but some folks just plain like to argue about anything and get in the last word. Human nature for some I guess.

[Mollyanne]

It seems that because of the times we live in, amounting pressures from all fronts make people uneasy, angry, suspicious, or just argumentative.

Molly

[Crissy Kay]

It seems that because of the times we live in, amounting pressures from all fronts make people uneasy, angry, suspicious, or just argumentative.

Molly

I tend to agree with this. I also liked what Gretchen posted too. I have seen disagreements here, but not all out warfare yet!!

[Lauri K]

I agree that the topics popping up on here are more serious now than they have been in the past or least that is my option.

Coupled up with the fact that the Trans Spotlight is shining everywhere, bathrooms, employment rights, healthcare coverage, elections year that all ratchets up some fairly contentious thoughts and unfortunately turns into some discussion that hit home for many.

So there is a element of personal passion that gets written into messages, since we are at a critical point on so many issues.

Doubt there is any solutions to this problem until some of the contentious issues at hand are behind us.

[Piora]

"Why so many fights here"

I have to honestly say that I haven't seen much of this happening. Perhaps the 'fighting' you are referring to, was in threads that I didn't have a lot of interest in, so I didn't bother reading or participating.

[IamWren]

I'd agree with Lauri in that the political atmosphere in the U.S. is getting to a fevered pitch as well as a spotlight has been turned to the transgender / transsexual community.

Another thing is I think the nature of an online forum (just like many online interactions) allows a distance between participants that makes it feel safe to "sit behind the screen" and say whatever you want without filter. On a related side, the written word can often times be misconstrued, especially when members are using phones and tablets to type out comments, not to mention some don't know proper syntax and of course (as you know) for some English isn't their first language.

[LaurenS]

I haven't seen much either, but I have a tendency to overlook insensitive remarks, ESPECIALLY in written form. Too easy for some people to read the wrong inflections and emphasis in written words.

Having said that, it does seem that our current society is agitated much more than in the past couple of decades.

[ClosetED]

I am not sure I see hate, but I do see people strongly defending their right to express their point of view.
One person may post one point of view, and someone else may want to make sure an alternate point of view is considered by the readers.
That is democracy. It is the response to what the other person said that can be termed fighting.
It can be a fine line to point out additional facts or views to dip into bickering.
Simple phrases can soften the tone of a response - "I see what you are saying, but would you also consider ... "
This is a site of words, pictures, and emoticons (and the Bible was just translated into emoticons!)
Without facial expressions and body language, it can be difficult to get the correct meaning across.
So we just need to consider that.
Hugs, Ellen

[JeanetteX]

Piora,

LOL then you haven't been reading a lot of threads lately!

But serious, in this case I was referring to a thread that is no longer on the forum

[~Joanne~]

(I must be cautious what I say)

and that alone is a reason to worry. Should we always be walking on egg shells to discuss CDing? I haven't seen too many posts with a lot of fighting in them but at the same time, I haven't been coming around that much anymore because I get tired of feeling like a second class citizen on a CD FORUM.

[docrobbysherry]

Serously, I think she's helped!

I've been a regular here for about 8 years. And, I believe I see changes in the attitudes of the members. Dressers seem to me to be a lot more confident and willing to stand up for their rites these days. And, in posts here, their opinions and positions on dressing.

I also credit the Mods. They seemed to have morphed along with members and allow more give and take, open discussions, and opinions than ever before.

I hate hate! I think most folks do. I've seen some pointed disagreements, but can't recall ever reading an openly hate filled post here!

[Gretchen_To_Be]

I'm with ~Joanne~

There is a bit of competition here. We are all at different points on the spectrum. The lurker who has thought about taking tentative steps toward dressing as a woman, but cannot, looks up to those who have the means and situation to purchase clothes and shoes. Many have a wardrobe, but for their own valid reasons, can't shave, or can only dress in secret and envy those for whom it's no longer an issue. Often members would love to be out to their SOs or families but can't see that happening. Some may have freedom, but not the financial resources needed to do things that others take for granted. Many brave members conquer their fears and walk right out the door, and not just to CD events but in commonplace social situations, and leave us closet types admiring from our safe anonymity.

Obviously we'd all love to look more like women--that's why we're here. We are in awe of those blessed with natural feminine faces, petite and slim physiques, and of course youth, which all help. While happy for them, I am jealous of their easy ability to look convincing. Quite a few members take permanent steps to feminize their appearance, and some realize they are truly women and transition.

Those who have progressed in the spectrum can often unintentionally make others, who have not, feel a bit unworthy. It's human nature to extol one's positive attributes. I think most of us seek some validation, so we broadcast the elements of CD or TG of which we are most proud.

I'm floored by those with the guts to go out in public with the muggles, and I express my admiration, as do others. When those members receive that fawning praise, it's a positive feedback loop. Once they have cleared that hurdle, it becomes their new normal, so their view of more closeted members evolves to, "What are you afraid of." Once in a while, that comes off as preachy.

The super courageous folks who live life full time the way they were meant to have truly been through the crucible, so I don't blame them for sometimes seeing those of us in denial, suppression, or hiding as not being true to our authentic selves. Some have taken a very forward political stance and cajole us to be more active, lest we lose the right to wear dresses in private.

It would be interesting to research how many members have gone through a progression from crossdressing to transitioning, and then, as they gain the ability to live their lives the way they were meant to, just sort of blend/fade away. They may pop up occasionally to give support or inspiration, but I suspect many no longer need this place. Maybe once they self-actualize, there is no more need for validation...nothing to prove? Or, like my friend ~Joanne~, those who are just CDs realize there are many other outlets for expression of our interesting lifestyles.

There are many very vocal members here with strong opinions. I get turned off by the holier-than-though comments now and again. I've been attacked for my "materialism" for having a large collection of heels, or for being smarmy by posting pics with my fairly supportive spouse. I've thought about not coming back, but on the other hand there are so many beautiful and wonderful members here who always have a kind or clever word.

It's a mixed bag. I think it's marginally positive, however, so I intend to stay.

Cheers

Gretchen

[Mykaa]

Differing opinions and a "feeling of being right", thing I see is we all share a commonality,to me there is no right or wrong with this as we are what we are, If I can accept me then why not someone else?

[Piora]

Piora,

LOL then you haven't been reading a lot of threads lately!

Well, I think I might know the one you are referring to, Jeanette. I agree that one did get out of hand. Others may have been closed and/or deleted before I read them....or I read them, then lost interest, BEFORE they got that way.

[bridget thronton]

It is certainly ok to disagree with each other - the hope is that we can all respect the people we disagree with (diversity of opinions is good for the community)

[Teresa]

Jeanette,
I'm inclined to agree with you we're all on the TG spectrum and are living different lives, what applies to one member may have little bearing on another, all we can do is share it.

The point not to forget is we have the freedom and safety to sign onto this forum , to talk about , question and comment, some people do not live in a situation where they have that freedom.

Th English language can be a fickle thing and open to many interpretations , it is sad when one word is used out of place, people take strong exception to it and overreact.

[Lori Kurtz]

Because of the unusual nature of the gender variations that bring us here, most of us have experienced some unusual degrees of embarrassment and guilt and shame in our lives. And those are the very things that we are open about here. When emotions are high, sparks can fly. I think that's why conflicts sometimes flare up here.

Your point is well taken, Jeanette. If we don't support each other with understanding and kindness, how can we expect anybody else to do that for us?

[Nadine Spirit]

I get the idea of support but....... there are plenty of things that folks say that I don't agree with. So..... if someone is hurting themselves or another and they come here and ask for our opinions, should we just say that they are great, and awesome, and wonderful, and that they should continue to do it? Just because we disagree with someone, does that make it a fight? Should everyone, agree and support, everyone, regardless of the context? I just don't think that is right.

I can think of plenty of things that others have written about that could be objectionable:
- stealing clothes from neighbors because they are too afraid to buy their own
- insisting that everyone or no one should transition
- going into women's dressing rooms to fulfill a sexual kink
- having sex outside of a relationship, without permission from the SO, and thinking it shouldn't count because it was with another CD
- no one should ever go outside of the house cross dressed or everyone should go outside of the house cross dressed
- cross dressing in public in a scantily clad, sexual way

These are just some of the examples of things I have read about of these boards that have created disagreements among the members. But I don't personally see anything wrong with that. Support can be seen as just a blanket statement that says no matter what you do or what you think that it is awesome and wonderful, but support could also be helping someone to see the errors of their ways.

If I truly believe someone is in error, I will express that. If they can show me evidence to the contrary, I will gladly change my opinion. If I can show them convincing evidence then they should be willing to change their opinions as well.

[Teresa]

Nadine,
I'm too frightened to disagree !
No seriously, you do make some good points there , you don't need to expand the list but I totally agree with your last paragraph, be prepared to see another point of view ,if it makes sense I'll go with it.

[Jenniferathome]

... Should everyone, agree and support, everyone, regardless of the context? I just don't think that is right. ...

This captures it for me. And sometimes, "support" does mean "get your head out of your arse!" You can call it tough love if it makes you feel better.

[Amy Fakley]

This site is a pretty good demonstration of the spectrum of people who fall under the general "transgender" label from once in a blue moon fetish dressers on the one side, all the way to TS folk who have been transitioned for 40 years already.

It was already an uneasy Alliance. In truth, in many cases the only thing we all have in common is that to the uneducated general public we're all the same thing. Except of course that we aren't the same thing at all ... Except to the uneducated masses.

Then in the US, marriage equality was upheld by the Supreme Court, and polls reflected that a majority of the public supported this opinion.

Except, unlike LG and B, the term "T" is kinda like the word "smurf" ... It can mean a whole lot of completely different things depending on context.

So now we have an extremely well funded and well organized political offensive against us. But the general public doesn't know in any specific way, who we are. So what you get is the news running all out 24/7 painting all of us with the same brush.

Our uneasy alliance is being tested. regardless of where we find ourselves on the spectrum, we all find ourselves under attack, and the natural human response is to try to mount a defense.

One logical possibility for mounting a defense, is to attempt to more rigidly define the term "transgender", and in that way try to filter out certain subgroups as targets (i.e. "splintering"). While I don't necessarily think that's a good idea, I can understand the logic.

But ... Any way you look at it, at an individual level, each of us has been made fairly powerless in the face of this onslaught. Phychologically, we need a release ... We need a way to feel like we're putting up a defense, and so we come here and let it all out. Sometimes all we need is someone to argue with ... We don't even need to be right, LOL

[Anneliese]

This site is a pretty good demonstration of the spectrum of people who fall under the general "transgender" label from once in a blue moon fetish dressers on the one side, all the way to TS folk who have been transitioned for 40 years already.

LOTS of excellent posts in this thread!

[Tracii G]

When you have a wide group of people you will always have one portion that get their butt hurt constantly.
One portion will always be critical of others because they think they are better for some reason.
There is a portion that doesn't take shit off of others so when you mix them together there will be conflict.
I do wish people would be nicer to each other.