Why are married men afraid to communicate with thier wives?

[Imeni]

I've been around for a few years now, lurking and reading different threads. Some nice, some not so much. And one thing I've noticed is that there are all these men here who will straight out either lie to their wives or simply not talk with them about their cross dressing.

Whats up with that?

I'll give the older members here the benefit of the doubt as things weren't really an easy place to even start to have this talk with wives back in the day without serious issues but even in the past ten years, how many of you guys have had the chance to actually sit your ladies down and just tell them? I'm thirty. And I've been doing this so far back that its nothing that i can hide or even want to. Dating is a challenge as in my mind, I don't think anyone would WANT to date a cross dresser so i don't really put myself out there. But when I do end up dating, you bet your panty covered ass that I tell them. With a few questions around the topics of LGBT and the trans community on the whole, I can gauge whether or not they would be cool with it and I'll end it because of it. Not just for my end of it but if you can't be even open to the idea that trans people can use the bathroom, we sure as hell ain't going to date. No thank you.

But with all that said and done, you guys are married. Not dating, not just friends who live together. But married. You are sharing your life with someone, but many of you here are straight up afraid of your wives. Let's not forget the one thing we all have in common, GG's aside. We're men. Under all the dresses, panties and wigs, we're men. While yes, its important to take the considerations of your wife into play about how to proceed, you owe it to them to be honest, you owe it to your marriage and your vows that you said to each other not to lie, and most importantly, you, as men, should be man enough to live the way you want to live without fear of what they would say.

I mean, if you are going to come out, do it with class, style and don't just broadside her, especially if you think that she might seriously leave. Make sure your ducks are together, people. Brains. We all got em. But for heavens sake, stop being afraid of being truthful with the women in your lives. They loved all of you when they married you. And for some of us, that includes cross dressing.

[stlmichelle]

Good question, I try to be as open an honost with my wife. She is very accepting with me, that being said despite her open acceptance with me I still find myself hiding from her. I guess it boils down to I still have such a deep ingrained shame of this aspect of me that I still can't fully accept myself. She tells me she loves me regardless of my feminine side, I guess I need to love my feminine side more as well.

[Tracii G]

I don't get it either Imeni.
There will be a bunch comment on this I'm sure and over half of the big strong men here are too scared to put their foot down and tell their wives "hey I deserve to be happy too".
You will see all kinds of excuses get posted but it boils down to their lack of a back bone.
I noticed this right after I joined here and it has baffled me ever since.

[Georgia_Maine]

Native American/First Nations proverb: Great Spirit, help me never to judge another until I have walked in his moccasins.

[Judy-Somthing]

I tried coming out to the wife a few times about thirty years ago and she thought it was Ft-up so I didn't push the issue.
Five months ago I told her I'd like to put on a dress, she freaked and didn't talk to me for three days and over the next two months made unpleasant remarks about cross-dressers.
So I'm not going to push the issue!

I think If I told her I cross-dress quite often, I'm pretty sure we would end up with separate bedrooms and it would be a real Bummer!

[Brynna M]

It's easy to sit in the cheep seats and say everyone should have to courage to come out and talk this forum is full of stories that make those conversations hard and some spouses are more difficult to talk to...
So try these ideas on if you don't understand why talking to your wife is harder for some than others.

Some of us don't want to lose some one who we love very much and have good relations ships in other parts of our lives.

Divorce is rarely kind to men particularly those who pursue anything society deems "not normal" not matter how harmless the pursuit.

Some of use simply don't know how to navigate our wife's feelings.

Some made mistakes and married not nice people.

Some spouses change over time and become someone we can't talk to.

There are some reasons. It would be great if life were fair and everyone were at least tolerant and patient enough to talk about things. But some people aren't, and may not even be bad people in other aspects, and those people get married too.

[andreanna]

Agree with you to every point

[marlacd]

I was married 23 years, and will be divorced 5 years next month. In a word, no, dressing didn't sit well with her.

She was quite a closed mouth person. She didn't want to talk about my dressing. She waffled quite a bit about it. She went from being accepting, to not at all, and back again. I never knew where I stood. Turned out, she had a load of mental issues I knew nothing about. When she said she wanted out, I decided to let her. She got just too difficult to live with and keep happy.

Communicating with my wife was a real challenge. At first we did fine. But as the years progressed, I was supposed to give all, and she was supposed to be on the receiving end. It was so stressful for me that, after one month of being away from her, I was thrilled that she was gone.

I wanted to talk about it, but she wouldn't listen.

[ClosetED]

Falling in love is one of the best, but short term, ways to suppress the desire to crossdress. So with society, in the past and still to a strong degree, shaming crossdressers (or why would a SO be 'shocked' at finding out about it [other than Trust issue]?
So a man finds a woman to love, and the desire to dress goes away. Without knowing it would return, he thinks he is 'cured' and does not see a need to tell her. Then they marry, start a family, the woman's interest may change to the child and away from the husband, and so the desire returns. Now you have the situation where he is afraid to tell her, afraid what this means to his own control, to the child, etc.
If society changed to not care what kind of clothes humans wore or how they decorated themselves, then wives wouldn't be shocked and this website would not exist.
My wife knew 2 years into the marriage (now almost at 27 years). She went along with buying minor items a few times a year for bedroom use, but then stopped 6 yrs ago and I held out for 18 months before the pink fog overtook me and she told me to do what I had to a leave her out of it. I did not want to hide it from her, but it was her request, so I did. I experimented and went to makeup and wigs and made my dream come true, one she did not share. So I was honest in my deception, as it was only done at her request. When she found out how far it had gone, she was upset, but was it only my fault?
Hugs, Ellen

[Dana44]

One thing I want to point out is that communication is the most important thing and some may not have that skill. On some of our ones that are accepting, we had to do a lot of communication and come to an understanding. Also, when we dress to go out , my SO dresses up too and I make sure she knows that she is beautiful. We are men and to think we are more feminine than them is a bit much and there should be no pink fog that does not allow you to communicate and love your wife. I feel sorry for some of the gg's here who don't get that communication and have brought themselves up. It speaks more for them. They are truly great women. I agree that we should not have fear and on the flight through life, I had so so many relationships and many beautiful women. But in a way I am more happy now with the SO that I have. But in any relationship you must tell her that she is the most important person in your life and appreciate her feminine ways. Then she might be able to help you.

[Magnetar GG]

From a GG's perspective:
Mine told me right around the time he started getting into dressing. The interest had always been there, but he'd very rarely acted upon it, and didn't want to tell me until he knew where he was with it. OK, I can understand that. I DID tell him that I wished I had known before we got married and had a child. He asked if I would've left him. I said I honestly don't know, but I would've been able to make the decision about whether or not it was something I could live with. It wasn't the answer he wanted to hear, but I was honest. There's no way of knowing what my feelings would've been before we had a binding legal document, a mortgage, and a child to parent together, but he could've at least given me the benefit of the doubt and let me think about it. It's not just his life it affects, it's mine too. Now I have to deal with the added stress of keeping a secret I never wanted in the first place, and no friends to relate to about it (other than the forum - but I found it, not him, and it was because I wanted to figure out a way to deal with this). I said by not telling me until after, had it been the case that he knew ahead of time, he put me in a difficult situation, one where if I DID want to leave would make both our lives a living hell. Lucky for him, I stick to my promises, including the vow of loving him til death do us part. Even if it means he likes to dress up in women's clothing. You can see my point though, right? How can I make a promise like that if I don't know someone completely?
My answer would be that the guys who have been doing this for years, even before they got married, and then tell their spouses that "hey, I've essentially been keeping this giant secret about myself from you and lead you on believing I was a typical dude and got you to marry the illusion of me. So I thought now after 10-20 years I'd come clean, and you should accept me for who I am." Most are going to be like Um. WTF???
YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THIS ALL THIS TIME?
WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT?
Because at that point it's not just about the CDing, which is a huge shock in and of itself. The GG also comes to the realization that he's been so good at lying and hiding something like this from her, he could've very well been cheating on her, or doing other things behind her back, when the worst she might have done is hide those slightly-too-expensive-for-their-budget shoes or bag or whatever and then come back and say "oh, this? I've had it for years, just never used it" betting on the fact that you're clueless about fashion and don't know it's a new release or design. Little do they know...
It's not just CD. It's trust. TRUST has been seriously broken.
So I'll agree with you, if you're dating, don't lie about it, don't hide it, and certainly don't propose to her without letting her know EVERYTHING about you so she can make an informed decision.
The guys who have been hiding it and continue to... realize that she's going to be pissed off about a whole lot more than just your wearing a dress. There's always the likelyhood she'll find out anyway, or might suspect, or the guilt of lying to your spouse eventually weighs so heavily on you that you end up confessing. Don't blame it all on the GGs for reacting the way they do.

[Tracii G]

Brynna I have been married twice and was that kind of man so I do know what I am talking about.
I suffered just to keep the peace in the family and it made my life a living hell.
Nothing I wanted was even considered it was always them that got everything they wanted because I didn't have the stones to stand up to them.
Both told me it was my fault for always giving in and trying to be the understanding husband.
Both told me after the split a woman wants a man that will stand up to her and say no and even hell no sometimes.
I had lived a life of being a pure a hole and a mean violent person and wanted to change but I found the change I had made as far as my personal life and relationships was the wrong choice.
Thats part of the reason I have no sexual desire for them. They hurt me and used me so that will never happen again.
The choice is yours be a man and stand up for yourself or be a wussy and let your wife tell you what you can and cannot do.

[stlmichelle]

I did tell my wife when we were still dating, it was because of stories like this that I felt she needed to know.

[Andrea2656]

From a GG's perspective:
YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THIS ALL THIS TIME?
WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT?
...
Don't blame it all on the GGs for reacting the way they do.

Magnetar you are exactly right. I am older than fell into that group where I was fearful that there would be no understanding of my CDing. I love my wife and did not want to hurt her. For some time now she has know about my CDing. The response has been as Marla commented ranging from acceptance to being less tolerant and "I just don't understand". However, I will admit it was a problem of my own creation. The question still lingers "What else are you lying to me about?". Honestly, some of my secrecy regarding my purchases and dressing (which are within my budget) is because I am never sure where on the acceptance spectrum she is. I understand that this needs to be a continued discussion but sometimes it is simply too difficult to have.

[Teresa]

Andrea,
The comment I will make about Magnestar's statement is that goes both ways !

We may be accused of lying, somehow it appears to be expected of men , but women aren't whiter than white ! There are things that maybe my wife should have told me in the past and still are some , but we usually have to bite our tongues and give them the benefit of the doubt !

[ClosetED]

Quote Originally Posted by Magnetar GG
From a GG's perspective:
YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THIS ALL THIS TIME?
WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT?
...
One flip side of this that I felt:
You said you loved ME - now you say you only love the masculine aspects of me.
You lied to me - what else have you lied about?

I felt my wife fell in love with my caring, gentle, romantic, calm personality - and that owes itself to many 'feminine' qualities that I as a person brought to the relationship. Do I turn those off and be a nasty macho brute?
That is just a fake a person as an imagined full time feminine life she is scared of.
Most of us do not want to transition or spend 24/7 en-femme, so stop worrying about that.
Ellen

And I have seen way too many naked people on the examining table/stretcher - no turn on. An evident desire for me is the biggest turn-on, but I do like my wife to set the mood with lingerie I buy her and perfume I buy her.

[Jenniferathome]

Quote Originally Posted by Magnetar GG
From a GG's perspective:
YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THIS ALL THIS TIME?
WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT?
...
One flip side of this that I felt:
You said you loved ME - now you say you only love the masculine aspects of me.
You lied to me - what else have you lied about?

...

Wow, classic delusional cross dresser response. Utter nonsense.

You are comparing math to the color purple. THEY'RE DIFFERENT. The "man" with whom she fell in love had whatever emotional characteristics he had. Wearing a dress is not an emotional characteristic, it is a physical act and it is way off the norm AND you hid it from her.

[Amy Fakley]

Not telling is like an interest-bearing mistake. The longer it goes on, the deeper the poo you find yourself in, and the greater the cost to correct the mistake.

On top of that, crossdressing is f'ing complicated. Yeah I'd been doing it my whole life in various fashions, but I was doing it in the deepest denial you can possibly imagine. I was afraid of myself ... literally terrified of what I always knew, but never admitted, was lurking beneath the surface. For cryin' out loud ... google was 10 years old before I ever had the nerve to type 'crossdressing' into it.

Didn't mean I wasn't crossdressing when I got the chance, just that I'd do it, then lie to myself like I didn't do it, and I positively refused to look inwardly and examine my motivations. Wham-bam-dress-like-a-m'aam then act like it never happened.

So in the midst of that I fell in love, and made the fateful mistake of not telling her about this thing I could barely even admit to myself that I even did. To be fair, I was like 23. I wasn't very mature. I was practically still a child.

But, from that moment on, my mistake began to accrue interest. Got married ... the poo got deeper. Bought a house, even deeper. Had kids, deeper still, and there was no going back now. Can you imagine looking your new born daughter in the eye, looking around at the beautiful nest you've built with the woman you truly love, and then contemplating the fact that you are about to blow all that to pieces.

Because there's this terrible thing inside you that you can barely understand, and you truly hate yourself.

And every single day, the noose get's tighter. It damn near killed me on several occasions, but I couldn't bring myself to that either, because again ... everyone I loved in the world depended on me being who they thought I was. Who they thought I was supposed to be.

Why did it take 17 years for me to tell? That's how long it took the noose to snap my neck, and when I finally reached that point ... it's not that I didn't care about the consequences ... it's just that the pain I was in was so intense, so unrelenting, I literally had no other choice.

It was either take the chance that coming out might blow up everything I cared about, or go insane with 100% certainty.

I know it was unfair to my wife to hide for so long. I feel awful about that, and she does remind me from time to time how I hurt her. I can only hope that on balance, she can at least understand why I did.

It really is not entirely unlike opening a high interest credit card your first year out of highschool, then making minimum payments for the next 20 years until one day you realize you owe more on your dumb mistake you made as a kid than you do on your house. It's a lot like that in fact.

you asked why some people don't talk to their wives. That was pretty much my reason in a nutshell

[Alice Torn]

I am never married, and have told the women i have talked, to or considered dating, and they ALL say it is wrong, and i must quit. The same reason i don't tell minister or more than a few people in the church i went to. Some folks will not even try to understand this thing. Every woman is different, and most do not like it. Tracii, I am pretty much where you are at with relationships, and I am no longer even considering marriage now. I no longer have sexual desire for them any more. I am asexual now, as I have been non respected , in the ashes for a long time, and i see the price of losing all respect from them, i am no longer willing to pay. Perhaps a lady from another nation or culture, that is respectful, has a different spirit, maybe. I walk alone.

[docrobbysherry]

I have to add to what Brynna and Tracii posted.

Many married couples end up being roommates. Because divorce is so devistating and expensive.

I made the same mistake as Tracii. I let crap go because I didn't want to fite about every little thing. But, my therapist pointed out my that resentment towrad her kept building because of it. By the time I finally stopped taking it, it was too late.

Rather than live together with rrsentment and hostility as roommates, I chose to move out. Many others don't!

[TheHiddenMe]

Because men fear the answer may not be one they like.

And fear isn't necessarily rational. People fear sharks, but there are only about 6 deaths from sharks a year. The deadliest "animal" for humans is the mosquito, but for us in the non-3rd world they are more annoying than fearful.

Not disclosing kicks the can down the road. It doesn't mean it's right, but it's a pain avoidance technique for many men.

Also, for many men, there is a shame involved with crossdressing. They don't want to admit it to themselves, much less anyone else.

Yes, men owe it to their partners to disclose their crossdressing, but fear is a big impediment.

[Jacqueline1965]

I was very lucky. When I met my wife in college back in 1987 I told her almost right away. She seemed open minded and she reacted by buying me lingerie from a local boutique. We have been together since '87 and married since 1994 and this has never been an issue. She lets me wear whatever I want whenever I want. Did say that I was a lucky guy?

[lingerieLiz]

Magnetar has several points that I understand. Marriage is a commitment and needs truth before not afterwards. After a few dates I told my wife. I didn't want her to get into something that she couldn't accept. On the other hand she was under the misconception that she could change me. This was back in the day that no one understood crossdressing. What I would say today is, there are no excuses for not telling before you are married or in a monogamous relationship. You may feel love, but she is not aware of who you are. Think about it, what would you feel if suddenly she told you of something that was devastating to you after you were married.

Rule 1, You must be truthful about your idiosyncrasies!!!

[Dana44]

Marla, I agreed with all you said, except, a woman in bed buck naked in bed, yikes I would not pass that up.

[Molly James]

My story is pretty much word for word what Sarah has posted this morning - I hadn't dressed for about 30 years when I met my wife nor did I think about it. The thoughts & urge only returned after we married which I attribute to being surrounded by lingerie. The shame & confusion was still there BUT now there was information on the Internet that told me I wasn't some oddball one in a billion which has helped me accept this side of me although I still can't explain the why bit to myself which in turn made explaining it to my wife (& her accepting it) so difficult. The subject generally remains off-limits these days & there's an uncomfortable silence whenever anything Transgender appears on the telly which is fairly often but we love each other & that in itself is something for me to be very grateful for having come out to her. I agree with the honesty part of this discussion but find it ironic when CDs are being told to man-up bearing in mind they are trying to learn to deal with their femme side.