It was the best of times; it was the wost of times

[sabrinaedwards]

Do you ever feel this way? I love being Sabrina, getting all dressed with makeup, jewelry, heels, etc. Then the guilt sets in and I think that I should just get rid of all this stuff, go to a professional, and lead a "normal" life. Twice I have purged only to reaquire feminine clothing. I have read that the desire never goes away, even with professional help! I have been thinking about going to a mental health person, but it feels so right to be Sabrina. I have some time to be dressed and I have done my nails. I feel sooo happy and guilty at the same time. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times.
Love, Sabrina

[Kate Simmons]

I've gone to professionals twice. The first time was to find if something was wrong with me, there wasn't. The second time was to try and figure out how to deal with friends and family that had a problem with it as I didn't. I was successful that time as well. I'm exactly who I am supposed to be.

[marlacd]

Once in a great while I do. Mental health people don't cure you, they help you live with it. A couple years ago, I just stopped for a while. I needed a break from it, but I didn't purge myself. At one point I thought I'd never go back, but here I be.

There's really no reason to feel guilty. It's part of you. Learn to live with it.

[gabyespinotv]

we all go through the same...

[Dana44]

Actually there is no reason to feel guilty. You are doing nothing wrong. Do not purge because as you now it will come back. So feel happy but not guilty.

[Katya@]

I had the feelings of guilt and even felt disgusting about it often until early 30's. It was at the time when it was partially a sexual fetish. But then, the more I started to accept myself, both feeligs started to go away. Now, there’s nothing sexual for me about dressing and the sense of guilt never comes to mind.

About the mental health - to me, this website was all I needed. For a year or two, I was just reading stories of others without even registering and writing my own. Every thought and feeling I had - I read about the same from many others. Slowly, I came to terms with it and still continue to taking steps towards comming out to family.

[docrobbysherry]

Katya, there's no reason to feel guilty even if dressing DOES turn u on! What u do in private is no one's business but your own. If u r not hurting anyone by dressing, there's no reason to feel guilty. (Said the CD who's only recently getting over his guilt!)

I must echo what others said about "professionals". After dealing with 2 excellent therapists, I'm pretty sure their job is NOT to cure u. But, to help u find a way to live your life in a way that works for u!

Just over a year ago my ex thot she would sand bag me with a family therapy, group session RE my dressing. That meant her, me, and our 2 adult girls. She spent 5 minutes asking my about my dressing. Then, spent an hour asking the women how and why it was a problem for them?

The only person's answer that concerned her was my daughter's who lives with me. My daughter said my dressing is a problem for her. The therapist quickly suggested, "If it bothers u that much, you're 21, why don't u move out?" Where upon my daughter admitted that the sweet deal she has living with me makes my dressing completely bareable. End of session!

[Sallee]

Sherry thats great what a good therapist you had. Their not liking it is their problem certainly not yours

[Judy-Somthing]

I started CDing at 8 and up until about 20 I'v Purged about 20 times, I would cut everything up with a scissors so I couldn't change my decision to later!
Ya as we all know that doesn't work. Maybe someday I'll be Normal?
Or maybe I am normal? At least I don't steal cars!

[Piora]

As we all can attest, purging is a mistake. An expensive one. You WILL dress again. It might be a while, but it WILL happen. This is something that is part of who we are. There's nothing mentally wrong with us because we dress.

I've said this in other threads, and I wish that I had the foresight of this advice back then. Don't throw your female things away. Pack them up in a box(es), and find a spot in your house (like the attic) or somewhere you never go.....and forget about them. Then, when the urge overcomes the guilt - and it WILL - you won't have to go and buy a whole new wardrobe.

[Mykaa]

Sabrina, I accepted me a few months ago, The worst is behind me. I do get tired I do have days not so great, But I still smile! Im not broken and Im not done. I know the best is ahead with the roller coaster emotion ride being done. I dont feel bad I do this anymore. Im me and Im not ashamed of me.

[Robin414]

This is an interesting thread, I personally think it adds perspective from both sides:

Seeking 'professional help' to lead a 'normal' life...that's what the muggles used to think as well...the fact that WE sometimes think that as well actually adds credibility to the fact that WE are the way we are at a VERY basic (genetic) level (think about it).

Kinda like feeling guilty because your eyes are blue and you look 'good' with blue eyes but they SHOULD be brown

Unless mom and dad both have brown eyes, then something might be up...but still has nothing to do with gender identity!

[Liz57]

Luckily for me I only purged once. I've never really had a problem with guilt probably because I have a strong conviction that my business is only mine and I don't worry overly about others opinion. That's not to say that I don't show concern for my wife and family and how they feel about what people they know would think, they do not have my outlook. I still have to live with them and I know my relationship would suffer tremendously if I didn't take that into consideration.

There is truly nothing to be ashamed of. I think it would be so much easier not to feel guilt if we understood why we have this compulsion. On the surface it doesn't make a lot of sense why a man would want to dress up like a woman. But...we do. So what! It hurts no one. So many people have misguided opinions over things that are trivial and yet show no concern over important matters such a pollution or human rights. Go figure.

The only guilt I deal with is thinking about things I need to get done that are being put off because of the time I spend dressing or put off because I can't go outside and work or run errands because I'm dressed. It's a balancing act for me because the time spent is time well spent because it keeps me on an even keel.

I wish that I had the magic words of wisdom that would instantly make you realize there should be no guilt associated with crossdressing. This is something you have to work out within yourself as you take some of the things you've been taught since childhood and re-examine them to see if they really have any validity or are they just someone's misguided opinion.

[Pat]

Maybe someday I'll be Normal? Or maybe I am normal?

You're normal. Sometimes people get sloppy with words and they confuse unusual for abnormal. Transgender people are normal. You expect them to be in a human population; it would be abnormal if they weren't there. However, they are unusual -- currently presumed to occur about three times per thousand. (That's all types of transgender people, not just crossdressers.)

[OCCarly]

I did that -- went to see a professional. Got diagnosed with gender dysphoria, started hormones. Problem solved!

[Teresa]

Sabrina,
I have had two separate sessions of counselling , one to assess I wouldn't attempt to self harm again and the second to sort my gender issues.The forum has been a great help because it showed me people older than me still dressing so I realised and accepted it's for life, I was born like it and I shall be put in my box like it. From that point I gradually lost any shame and guilt, why should you feel like that when there's nothing you can do to change it. Now I dress and shop and totally enjoy it , I admitted that to my wife, I'm dealing with an inner need, it's part of me , it forms my whole being, I'm as happy or happier being Teresa .

I missed the comments about " Normal Life " once you've accepted yourself it's a normal life to you, once you stop being made to feel guilty by others.

People do have a strange idea of finding a so called cure, my sister in law had discussed with her husband and decided I needed to get out of the house more, I replied that the problem isn't in the house it's in my brain. Now I do get out of the house to shop and drive to my social meetings, and I don't have a problem with that .

[SamanthaLouiseScott]

There isn't a cure. I spent many years wanting to pack it in. Something inside me just wouldn't let me. A walk past the lingerie dept was enough for something to start up.

However the problem was that over the years I purged many times and within a few days I regretted it.

I now know I am me and that's the way it is. I dress when I can and want to. As far as purging goes, I haven't for nearly ten years now . The only down side of that is I haven't needed a post purge shopping trip which was always a massive thrill, getting back into it.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sabrina, I have been in this program for over 69yrs. and I really have never had a problem with dressing......

[Fiona123]

I have the same feelings of guilt, fear and shame. Earlier this year I was sitting in a therapist's office and I summoned the courage to talk about my crossdressing (not easy for me). She looked at me, smiles and said brightly "Oh you're transgender" as if it were absolutely NOTHING. I was a very positive affirming moment.

My point is that you are normal! Don't purge. Accept and explore your feminine side. Enjoy the journey. Find joy in it! I wish you all the best. 🌺

[carhill2mn]

Hang in there! Many (most?) of us have "been there, done that" when it comes to feelings like you are having. Do not purge! Save your money. You can put your fem things away, not "dress" for awhile and see how it goes. Counseling may help you feel better about dressing but the urge to do so will not go away.

After a while you will probably be better able to accept that this is who/what you are and you feelings will change. Then you will be able to relax and enjoy yourself.
Good luck!

[Cheryl T]

When I accepted myself about 10 years ago I gave up the guilt and shame aspects and never looked back.