Support for those transitioning

[Alisonforme]

So Alison finally met some people and was met for the very first time! I decided to attend a support group meeting. This was my first time ever being out en femme.

Someone there asked if I was nervous and I answered honestly that I did not feel nervousness and felt very comfortable and at-ease. Before I left the house I was getting my things together and felt a rush of excitement just from seeing my heels next to my handbag on the floor by the nightstand. "I am definitely a crossdresser!" thought I.

The support group meeting was attended by about 15 ladies and one FTM with his girlfriend. The group was pretty evenly split between CD's (some of whom were just men in dresses/makeup) and people in the process of transitioning. As with a lot of things on this journey, I was again amazed by what I found.

I am a CD and I feel like I that's my level in the TG world. I have sincere empathy for those who are transitioning. They are involved in a struggle I can only imagine. I am happy to offer support and encouragement. And I admire their courage in realizing the person they are. Theirs is a very different path than mine and it appears to be a brutal journey that I wish could be softened for them.

We all have a right to be who we are. When hormone therapy and surgeries are required to be who you are, it takes on a very different tone. When the therapies are being administered by people who don't know what they are doing (this seems to be far more common than it should be), that tone takes on a dark side that I can only imagine is a torture to suffer through.

My sympathies and support are with those of you who are transitioning. I wish the general public knew how truly courageous you are.

[Mollyanne]

Couldn't have put it better

Molly

[Jamie Lynn]

Wholeheartedly agree!

[Zooey]

There are a number of women here who appreciate that kind of acknowledgement and support, so thank you for that.

I would humbly request that your message of support does not stop at a specific thread. Voice that support any time people here denigrate us, by suggesting that we are "not real women", or that we are "turbo-charged crossdressers who just went all the way with it". Voice that support when people suggest that we didn't "have our priorities straight", or "didn't love our families enough to just be CDs". Voice that support when people claim we are being "superior" or "condescending" simply for explaining that we are different.

Thank you again.

[CynthiaD]

I agree. I'm a woman, despite appearances. I've always been female, even though I've tried very hard to appear male at times. My quest for femininity hasn't led me to physical transition, but you ladies who have gone that route are definitely my heroes. I'm proud of all of you.

[JayeLefaye]

...

My sympathies and support are with those of you who are transitioning. I wish the general public knew how truly courageous you are.

Thanks for this, Alison. As a plain old vanilla CD'er, I am in total awe of what those who are trans go through on a daily, hell, hourly, basis. I used the word "trans" for simplicity's sake. For what it`'s worth, I don't think of the women here who are not GG's as trans. I think of them as women, plain and simple.

As for "wishing the general public" knew...I wish the majority of the members of this Site knew...I'd like to think we do, and just aren't vocal enough with our support. Please know that you not only have our sympathy and support, you also have our love and respect and thanks!~!~!..I will try harder to have`your backs.

Jaye

[OCCarly]

There are a number of women here who appreciate that kind of acknowledgement and support, so thank you for that.

I would humbly request that your message of support does not stop at a specific thread. Voice that support any time people here denigrate us, by suggesting that we are "not real women", or that we are "turbo-charged crossdressers who just went all the way with it". Voice that support when people suggest that we didn't "have our priorities straight", or "didn't love our families enough to just be CDs". Voice that support when people claim we are being "superior" or "condescending" simply for explaining that we are different.

Thank you again.

The only thing about me that was ever turbo charged were the panic attacks I used to suffer before I went on hormone therapy. My thanks also.

[Alisonforme]

I would humbly request that your message of support does not stop at a specific thread. Voice that support any time people here denigrate us, by suggesting that we are "not real women", or that we are "turbo-charged crossdressers who just went all the way with it". Voice that support when people suggest that we didn't "have our priorities straight", or "didn't love our families enough to just be CDs". Voice that support when people claim we are being "superior" or "condescending" simply for explaining that we are different.

I haven't really come across any derogatory comments, which is one of the reasons I appreciate this site. If I do see something I will definitely try to help educate people.

There was a thread here recently that posed the idea that CD'ing has a silliness about it, and I think for the CD'ers that is part of the fun and relaxation that we find. But for those in transition, I don't really see any silliness about it. As far as I can tell, the clothes don't even have that much to do with it.

All that being said, we should all be sticking together to gain a broader societal acceptance.

[Pat]

There was a thread here recently that posed the idea that CD'ing has a silliness about it, and I think for the CD'ers that is part of the fun and relaxation that we find. But for those in transition, I don't really see any silliness about it.

I think it's a matter of individuals. In any group there are light-hearted folk and there are thin-skinned humorless folk. I know light-hearted folks who are in transition. I admire all who go there, but I admire most the ones who can retain their sense of humor.

[Teresa]

Alison,
I attend a social group now and the mix is very much as you describe.
I had to smile at your comment about seeing your heels and handbag at the door , I almost overlooked the need for a handbag , it's surprising how quickly you get use to it when everything you need to carry is neatly kept in one place instead of being scattered in various pockets, also little things like female glasses and a wrist watch.
Like you I was very surprised that I wasn't nervous, it just felt right I won't say totally comfortable , what with wearing heels for that length of time and have certain parts of your anatomy pushed into a different location. My first meeting was a dinner dance with about 45 people so I was thrown in at the deep end, but still ended up on the dance floor which is something I never expected to happen.
I had a conversation with TS , she has reached the point of needing to dress full time, I did feel for her going through this period before things can be fully put right for her.

[Alisonforme]

I had to smile at your comment about seeing your heels and handbag at the door , I almost overlooked the need for a handbag , it's surprising how quickly you get use to it when everything you need to carry is neatly kept in one place instead of being scattered in various pockets, also little things like female glasses and a wrist watch.

Since it was my first time out, it was the first time I ever used a bag. I absolutely loved it!! Having everything in one place was great from a practical standpoint. The bag I used had a short handle and holding it at the elbow really promoted a feminine feel and posture!

I admire all who go there, but I admire most the ones who can retain their sense of humor.

Agreed! It's important to keep a healthy sense of humor in this world! I just really feel for those transitioning because I can only imagine how tough it must be.

[PaulaQ]

Thanks for your support Alison. It's hard to keep a sense of humor right now when we are being bombarded with really negative messages. It's hard to do it in the best of times, because we constantly have to prove and justify our existence. We have to prove we aren't men (we aren't.) We have to prove that somehow we aren't reinforcing the worst possible stereotypes of women. We get asked about our genitals, incessantly. We are told we have to be men because:
- science
- sociology
- religion
(choose one or more of the above reasons.)

We're told we are undesirable to date, either by non-transgender men or women, and sometimes by CDs on this forum. (Thread about dating: MsCD - "No woman will date a CD. NONE! NEVER! I'm so desperately lonely." Thread about dating trans women: MsCD - "Yuck! I would never date a trans woman, I need a REAL WOMAN!" Wow, a life of loneliness is better than dating one of us, huh? Ouch!)

When I post on social media as a trans woman, I am used to getting absolutely insane and incredibly nasty responses, wishing me death, telling me I'm insane, warning me of eternal damnation, referring to me as a man, etc.

I get faced with circular logic such as "If you really felt things the same way a woman does, you'd understand why women have to exclude you." <think about that for a minute>, or "You can't be transgender - you transitioned to late!", followed with "Those kids are not really transgender, they can't make such a decision at that age!", or if you present feminine you're told "you are reinforcing the WORST stereotypes of women, and trying to redefine women," yet if you are kind of butch, you are told "YOU AREN'T EVEN TRYING TO BE A WOMAN!!!!" I mean pretty clearly all those are no-win sorts of statements, and really just serve as a proxy for what someone is really feeling: "Trans women suck. You suck. I hate you all!"

We tend to be ostracized - I lost all but one of my friends, my marriage, and my kids fade in and out of the picture. :/ The breakup of my marriage is, at this point, hilarious - I'm the local "go to" trans person to help trans people who appear to be about to have a really bad breakup what they can expect. Mine isn't the worst I know of, not even close - it's just the one that's bad enough to serve as a good example, but not so bad that all I do is scream at the clouds and shake my fist, or just cry incessantly. We often lose careers.

We face discrimination in medical care. Housing. Employment. Bathroom access. (You would not believe how much time I spend talking about bathrooms.)

We are routinely denied medically necessary care by insurers. Some of us commit suicide because of this. And you don't even want to know what usually happens if you end up in a psychiatric facility or jail.

ooh ooh ooh - I almost forgot. After mentioning some of this stuff, someone who isn't transgender will often jump in and "cissplain" stuff, explaining how it isn't bad, even though they've never actually experienced it first hand. That part is THE BEST!

The perks are totally awesome though! I no longer want to commit suicide. I'm relatively happy with myself now, for the first time in my life. Yeah, that's about it. I mean, I think I'm developing PTSD, and am probably destined to be as burned out, humorless, and permanently angry and bitter as every other transgender activist I know. But hey, I get to wear panties!

I hope you don't mind that I gave you an indication of what this is like. Some of us have an easier time, some a much harder time.

Anyway, I do genuinely appreciate your support. As you can see, it's not the thing we get a whole lot of, some of us.

[Rachelakld]

Feeling for the American girls on this one.

Over here (NZ), the girls had it tough in the 70's & 80's and even today some still turn to prostitution for funding.
Those that did it hard in the 70's, well a few have rose to become successfull politians and carved other careers.

As our toliets have cubical doors, we have not had a reaction to toilets (although always one crazy who think she own the space 50 yards in any direction of her cubical), same for ladies fitting rooms (although a few South African immigrants have tried and got successfully sued when they refused to let CD/trans in the fitting rooms).

So if you support them, maybe just encouraging others "normals" to treat CD/trans women as humans, would be a great place to start

[Alisonforme]

So if you support them, maybe just encouraging others "normals" to treat CD/trans women as humans, would be a great place to start

It certainly is! Most people near me see the bathroom thing as a non-issue and couldn't care less, so there hasn't been much discussion about it in my social circles. Thus, not much opportunity to encourage the "normals," but I look forward to the opportunity to plant a seed with someone. It's hard to change people's minds about things, but each generation seems to be more accepting.

I hope you don't mind that I gave you an indication of what this is like. Some of us have an easier time, some a much harder time.

I appreciate hearing your experiences Paula and I'm grateful you shared them. I'm glad that you have your sense of humor too!!

Before I couldn't imagine how tough it must be. Now I can begin to imagine.

The medical issues seem the worst horrors to me. To expect help and be mistreated is infuriating. I heard stories of doctors doling out medicines under the guise of being helpful hormones, when in reality the doctors were prescribing medicines they thought could "fix" the patient into maintaining their birth gender. That's Mengele-style criminal if you ask me. But on the whole, society doesn't care and that's sad.

I wish for all of us to feel the dignity we deserve.

[Suzanne F]

Thank you Allison. I sit here healing from SRS and it us nice to hear. If more people understood the depth of what we go through they might be more supportive.
Suzanne

[PaulaQ]

The medical issues seem the worst horrors to me. To expect help and be mistreated is infuriating. I heard stories of doctors doling out medicines under the guise of being helpful hormones, when in reality the doctors were prescribing medicines they thought could "fix" the patient into maintaining their birth gender. That's Mengele-style criminal if you ask me. But on the whole, society doesn't care and that's sad.

The social parts are the worst, period. Well, short of the crushing, life-extinguishing gender dysphoria I felt. But dealing with people when you are trans really is the worst part. Lots of folks feel free to debate over whether or not you are a human being. The gender of the person doing this doesn't really seem to matter - women and men both do it. Some people are hateful because of religious reasons, some are hateful because of some particular ideas about feminism. (Certain offshoots of Radical Feminism theory.) You can talk about really horrible incidents of abuse and violence - even ones you've experienced, and some people simply don't believe it. Or sometimes they just don't care, as if you are relating something that happened in another country. But it isn't in another country - it's in this country.

Losing basically all of your friends sucks. Losing your marriage, sucks. Losing your family members sucks. There are people who simply don't talk to me anymore. A LOT of them. Losing your church, sucks. (This happens to a lot of us, not me. Church lost me a long time ago...)

Having to explain yourself, come out over and over and over again, justify why you are doing what you are doing, those get old fast. And basically never stop, unless you live stealth.

Being told "you make a mockery of being a woman because of your ridiculous feminine presentation," by some cis women if you dress femme, and being told by others "you aren't any kind of a woman, you aren't even trying to dress like one," by others if you don't present femme is indicative of the impossible double standards we're sometimes held to.

This isn't really a problem now, I pass well, but in early days, I'd get misgendered in some places or situations. Oh yeah, finding a medical doctor is hilarious too. And by "hilarious", I mean, "terrible, not hilarious at all." Many doctors view us as alien life forms whom they have no clue how to treat, and are unwilling to even try. Others are bigoted against us, and simply assume any ailment we have is caused by being trans.

We're told:

• "Your Insane"
• "No matter what you do, you'll always be A MAN!!!!"
• "Being transgender isn't a real thing"
• "Why don't you get proper psychological treatment - you are sick!"
• "You are just a fetishist"
• "You are too ashamed to admit you are just gay"
• "You are a pervert"
• "You are a sexual predator"
• "You are a pedophile"

Amongst other things. Despite all that, I still feel better than I did 3 years ago, when I started this. Living beats dying, and hey, if it doesn't because people make life unlivable, nobody took dying off the table, now did they? Wondering if someone is going to spot you and attack you because they perceive you as a woman, or worse, if they don't perceive you as a woman. Exciting stuff!

[Georgette_USA]

We're told we are undesirable to date, either by non-transgender men or women, and sometimes by CDs on this forum. (Thread about dating: MsCD - "No woman will date a CD. NONE! NEVER! I'm so desperately lonely." Thread about dating trans women: MsCD - "Yuck! I would never date a trans woman, I need a REAL WOMAN!" Wow, a life of loneliness is better than dating one of us, huh? Ouch!)

I guess I missed those discussions. I sometimes find some of the most acrimonious of theses types of discussions are on Trans sites. We can't seem to get along under the the whole LGBT or TG umbrella. And we wonder why the non Trans world doesn't understand us. I always love the whole REAL WOMAN or RG or GG ones. Even in the common terms we have the "GG - Genetic Girl (female at birth)" or "GM - Genetic Male (male at birth)". How few people ever have Genetic testing, and that is confused by Intersex people. Like the XY women.

As someone who transitioned many years ago. I try to be a friend for any others that are going thru this today. I can't give much help with specifics as SO much has changed in 40 years.

[MissDanielle]

Thank you for the support. I'm a month and a half in on HRT right now.

[arbon]

It can be a messed up life.

Often I wish I could have found a happy life as a cross dresser. It would have been much simpler.