Hello,

I am a very new member to the site and I hope its ok but I would like to offload a few thoughts and feelings I have had recently. I have never said any of the below out loud so this is new to me. I appreciate this is very long so I don't even mind if no-one reads it.

My wife knows of my dressing but we don't talk about it much and I am generally poor at sharing my feelings and talking. I am very much in the closet, I have only ever told my wife about my dressing (before we were married). She needed help dealing with it and told one of her friends, I didn't feel it fair to make her keep it a secret I am just fortunate she did not tell any of her family. For me I do not know where I am with cross dressing, I do not understand why I want to do it I just do. Every time I dress it leads to the same end result, I am sure you can all guess what, this ends with feelings of guilt and a huge desire to remove all feminine clothing afterwards. From all the reading I have done most people say this changes with time, however after 14 years I am beginning to think maybe I have a fetish. This doesn't make complete sense because I think about dressing most of the time, I have a huge desire to do it, but just because I want to do it not for sexual pleasures, it just always ends that way. I have no interest is leaving the closet or letting anyone else know about it or ever going out in public.

Back to my wife, I wasn't brave enough to tell her early on in my relationship and I convinced myself I would stop, I think we were about 5 years in when I told her. I only actually told her because she was dying to get married and I knew I couldn't marry without her knowing my secret. One day she pushed me as to why I hadn't proposed and I told her, apologized and cried. As with so many it hurt her that I lied to her rather than what I was doing. Although she felt betrayed as I did wear some of her dresses, we are similar sizes. She asked a few of the usual questions, I basically explained I only did it for sexual reasons and I didn't know why and it wasn't mandatory for orgasms. We had a slow start and with time she not only seemed to be ok with it but it was also started to enjoy it and it even spiced up our sex life on many occasions. The normal routine would for her to give me her underwear and bra during foreplay and I would keep it on until after, you know, we finished. Once I slept while wearing her bra, which was something I had always wanted to do but was really hard because I would have an urge I need to released. When I did finally do it my heart wouldn't stop racing for hours. In the morning she wasn't too happy, because it didn't fit in with my "only do it for sexual reasons".

As time went on I felt like I was allowed to do slightly more, she even bought me my own set of matching pink underwear, a basque and even some stockings. I think I have a lower sex drive than my wife, she would often want it but I would rather go to bed on time so I could get up in the morning for work. It got to the stage where she knew if I was wearing lingerie then I wanted sex, she loved this and it got us both in the mood.

Moving forward at some point I mentioned wearing more than just underwear, I wanted to wear dresses and move, however she was not keen on it, although she let me wear them a couple of times. She has even given me one as a present, I think because its too small for her.

I should mention that I love to dress my wife up too, I often bought her sexy clothes and underwear. She loved dress up as much as I did, but no matter how much she let me join in I always had the feeling she wasn't completely ok with me doing it.

About 2 years ago during an intimate moment she was telling me how she loved how it felt to have my hand go up her dress, I agreed and imagined it for myself (resoles reversed me in a dress) and she flipped out. I felt terrible of course and more guilty than ever. I haven't mentioned so far that all through the years I have always felt guilty and have never come to terms with my dressing. During intimate moments my wife would sometimes offer to dress me up in any item I wanted, but when I suggested a dress she said no. As time went on this changed to was there anything she could do for me to make "it" better, I would mostly say no for fear of saying I want to dress up would annoy her or kill the mood. Every now and then when it felt right I would say what I really wanted, sometimes she would allow it but others not, she would say not tonight. It got the stage where it annoys me her asking because surely she knows what I want (obviously she doesn't or she wouldn't ask). At one point it was almost like after a few intimate moments without me dressing should we reward me with a bra.

Not long after the hand dress moment above my wife and I actually had a proper chat about my dressing. She explained although she was happy me with in underwear, she did not want to see my in a dress. She says she is not a lesbian and she doesn't want to have sex with a women (remembering I only dress for sex). She asked if I was happy for that never to happen, but I could do that in my own time. She knew what I did while I was dressed before telling her and said she didn't notice then so I could do that again. I was happy with this as I believed it meant I could buy a dress and wear it out of sight in my own time. I spent a while online searching, its funny for years I imagined buying hundreds of dresses but when it came down to actually buying one I couldn't find one that I wanted. I then stated to think I never agreed if I should show her what I bought first, or show her before I buy. what if she opens a parcel with a dress I have bought and not told her. What if she finds them after I bought them, where do I store them. What I buy something to girly, to our there! We never agreed any of this. Currently all my girly things go into shoe boxes in the wardrobe. Thoughts then changed to what if I misunderstood what she meant altogether. Rather than talking to her I buried my thoughts again and kept quiet.

Time moved on and I used the internet and imagination to fulfill my cross dressing needs, reading stories and posts imaging what it would be like if it was me in their shoes. We now have a baby, during pregnancy we were not very intimate at all. I was scared of hurting the baby and being too rough and generally stayed away. Now he's here and my wife is practically back to her usual self. I still avoided intimacy with her but still spend the odd occasion alone using my existing clothes or internet. I think it got to the point where I almost forgot how to be intimate with her, and scared I would hurt her sensitive breasts (she breastfeeds). She jokingly asked my recently if I had spent any "alone" time, I said yes to which she flipped and we had an argument. She felt awful that I had not been near here but I had spent alone with myself. After this happened I did some reading and found a very helpful article on here, explaining how she would feel after birth and she needs me to show her I still love her and find her sexy. Even though all her clothes are now bigger, comfy, and sorry not sexy, all bras and knickers included (I have actually told her this, followed by a compliment, I have a way with words/I am stupid). In the last 2 weeks I have made a real effort to put my needs to one side and show her she is still sexy. We have had intimate times and I have bought some protection so we can have sex again.

The problem is I have not dressed since this conversation with her, now the feeling is there more than ever, eating away at me. For some reason I am still unable to talk to her about it, but maybe that's the right thing to do because we have just had a baby and I need to think of her. She did actually mention it the other day again, but was a very brief mentioning. I am still so embarrassed and guilt ridden I really struggle to open up to her, or anyone. The more I think about it I don't really open up about anything serious.

I am wondering about writing her a letter explaining how I feel, this will help make sure I am completely honest with her. She has asked me to open up with her generally and never hide anything from her.

Thanks for reading