do we want to get caught--is it the way to come out?

[Della]

I've been absent for a while, but I wonder why some of us will intentionally do things that will definitely be noticed. is it baby steps we take, at times, to have someone see something feminine. For me, only my wife knows, and although she wants nothing to do with this, she is still with me. Last week, I donned bra, and went to bed. Busted. A while back, panties--busted. I have painted my toe nails. Caught (wife complained in public that she could not find her polish removed, which I had not touched). Last weekend, went to bed with a bra on, busted, but in a better tone--my wife only said I have to watch it so the kids don't see. So tonight, probably back to bed with a bra on to see the reaction, if I'm caught.

Your thoughts?

[raleighbelle]

Not sure exactly what you mean by busted, with your wife, but I think she may get annoyed with this after a bit. If she has let you know that she is okay with it, then great. Having done what you have I think it might be good to open up a dialogue with her again about dressing more, perhaps with a nightgown and all the things you mentioned, but after discussing it with her.

[Robin414]

Getting 'caught' is way easier than 'coming out' for sure, even if it's subversively intended!

[Teresa]

Della,
Being caught by your wife is counter productive , if she catches you too many times she'll either give into it or totally blow up. I did it in stages outside the home , many here probably underdressed to get use to being out with female clothes on. I forgot to take out the enhancers in a Wonderbra and received quite a lot of attention in my local high street, I was caught out several times when wearing a skirt and Tshirt when I thought I was safe to walk the dog. I knew I wanted to be out the closet , I called it solitary confinement, so they were small steps in coming out . I bypassed my wife until I became use to it, now I've managed to be fully dressed an go out the door to a social meetings, she still doesn't want to see me but accepts it's something I need to do.

If you keep trying to come out to her and she doesn't want to know you will be the loser.

[Panties4me]

Although I have worn panties 24/7 since 2009 and my wife knows, (she knew I wore them regularly before that though) it came as a great surprise and displeasure for her when she found a cami that was mine in the wash. I had forgotten to retrieve it😯. Not pleased at all but it did confirm to me that she had not been prying in my cupboard drawers where she could have found any number of pieces of various lingerie. One of the many questions she asked was did I deliberately leave it out for her to find. That might I add was one of the easier questions. So we had the TALK and I confessed up to everything, but I really thought she knew more than she did. After that initial talk it has been the old DADT, but with her due to retire soon we are going to have to have another chat. On the reverse to that, shortly we will be going on holidays in our caravan and it will be chilly. She stated that I will have to give her some of my male thermal t-shirts. Go figure.

[sometimes_miss]

I've been absent for a while, but I wonder why some of us will intentionally do things that will definitely be noticed.

We all want to be loved for who we really are. So perhaps it's just the desperate, subconscious desire to be seen and accepted as a crossdresser by someone. Problem is, we often envision it through the pink fog, where everything turns out wonderful when the target person finds out what we're doing and loves us anyway. Reality however, doesn't usually work out that way.

[Tracii G]

Keep it up and aggravate her enough and see where that gets you

[Kate Simmons]

When one plays with fire, one takes the chance on getting burnt.

[Mykaa]

so you want to be more open? Well that doesnt always work out for your best, I will say this is experience talking here. Im going into my 7th year being without her around or my kids. If she wants DADT Id say you should respect that and be glad to have what you have.

[Ressie]

I wouldn't say "we", because we are all different. It's difficult to have a good conversation about crossdressing with the wife for many CDs. Getting caught is a way to get it out in the open if you don't mind getting into a major fight. That won't help her to understand why you cross dress though. IMO it isn't a good way to come out to your SO. YMMV

[Fiona123]

"Accidentally" getting caught by SO sounds like an awfully risky way to come out.🌺

[Stephanie47]

There are things I really do not understand. Your wife knows you're a cross dresser, so, it is not a case of being "busted." You know that she knows that she knows you know she knows. What I really do not understand why there is a compulsion to go to bed wearing a bra when your wife feels uncomfortable? If she truly does not want to see you en femme, and, of all things wearing a bra to bed when you obviously do not have boobs, why do it?

[Candice June Lee]

In my opinion, coming out would be better than the getting caught. In coming out you have some control over it. Getting caught can lead to a fight easier. From what I'm reading want to come out, so I would just do it and get it out of the way. That's what I had to do.

[Jenniferathome]

You are going about this the wrong way. You need to talk to her, not throw something in her face and hope she deals with it.

[ClosetED]

I would not consider what you are doing getting caught - your wife knows and does not want to see it. Getting caught is leaving an item hanging to dry that you forgot to stash away. Wearing a bra to bed with her in the bed with you is pushing the envelope - you know she does not want to see it, so that is pushing it in her face from her point of view. This is not compromise but war. She let you win the battle - let you wear it but don't let kids see it - but you are at war with her. Try some peace negotiations - talk to her about what you want to do beforehand and discuss it. Apologize for prior actions without her involvement in the compromise.

Others have situations where they are hiding the entire CDing from SO and may start doing more risky actions as they have been successful so far and then get caught. That is a different issue.

Hugs, Ellen

[PaulaQ]

Outing yourself by being caught by your wife is an absolutely outstanding way to end your marriage if that is your aim!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Della. I don't want you to regret asking the question because I'm sure it's sincere, but to me the way you're acting around your wife sounds immature and deliberately provocative, almost as if you don't really much care about her feelings. I agree with several other commenters- if you want to be further out of the closet than you are, the way to do it is by frank, honest discussion, not by pushing her buttons to see what happens.

Playing at 'getting caught' is for kids.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Della,

I would have to agree this statement "do we want to get caught..." Although I cannot speak for everyone, I believe we find it exciting to get caught. Or sometimes a challenge not to get caught. Like once I was window shopping on a favorite street here in Richmond. Just wandering around with my wife and her friend. Checking out the sales and eateries. When we were hit with a summer shower. You know the type that down pours for a few minutes then disappears into blue skies and humidity. Well I was wearing a white bra under a white tank top and very old kind of see through short sleeve shirt. And blue jeans. Needless to say the only dry area on my shirt was a perfect outline of my bra... Now we didn't know it was going to rain, but it did. My wife's friend was the first to notice that all of our shirts were see through due to being wet. At first I was horrified, but I knew if I tried to hide or cover myself I would have only drawn more attention to myself, so we decided to sit down at a restaurant and have lunch. By the time we finished lunch, we were back to window shopping and I was reminded that I should be more careful what I wear if it rains. Even though we all had a good laugh.

@--}----
Michelle

[AmyVanessa]

I don't have a wife or SO, but I'm playing the game of getting caught at work.
I used to be very careful hiding any hint of my bra at work, but now I'm wearing tight t-shirts, and sleeveless shirts that expose the straps.
I guess I'm just tired of hiding, and am trying to ease my coworkers to my dressing. I want to get it overwith, but I don't want them to be too shocked

[flatlander_48]

Judging by some of the personal recollections here on the forum, I do sometimes wonder if people are subconsciously trying to get caught. These are people who have been very particular and circumspect about the physical evidence related to what they do for years, but all of a sudden they do something completely off the wall, scatterbrained and exceedingly dumb.

Curious, very curious...

DeeAnn