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Thread: My 7yr Old is Feeling Conflicted

  1. #1
    Member Scarlett Viktoria's Avatar
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    My 7yr Old is Feeling Conflicted

    When I came home from work last night my wife told me about a conversation she had with my 7yr old son. It seems like he's a little conflicted. He wants to play with dolls and wear nightgowns. This isn't new, he's brought it up before. We've always told him it's ok to play with dolls and we even told him we'd get him a nightgown before (we just kind of forgot to get it). But last night he brought it up again and it sounds like he's afraid of what people will think and doesn't know if it's right. It sounds like there are some deeper issues of him trying to figure out who he is. He broke down and cried. I think my wife handled it very well. She sat down with him and our 4yr old daughter and had a very loving conversation about how we'd accept him no matter what and we'd never make fun of him (one of his concerns). She also took it as an opportunity to talk to our 4yr old about accepting everybody no matter their differences. Our daughter was so sweet. She tried to help comfort him and offered to let him snuggle her rainbow colored blanket and Sophia doll (which he did for a while). Anyway, I'm going to ask him today if he wants to go get a nightgown. But he hasn't talked to me about any of this, only his mom. Some of my concerns are, I obviously want to supposrt him, but how do I know at this age if it's a phase, if he just wants to crossdress, if he really thinks he's a girl inside, etc. He's very concerned about people making fun of him which my wife assured him that no one in this family would ever do that but some people will always find something to make fun of you for. I've only come out to a few people myself (including my wife) about my crossdressing. I don't know if or when I should bring it up to him. I don't want to sound like a hypocrite telling him not to worry about what other people say while I hide in the closet. Or, do I tell him it's ok to dress only at home if that's something he wants to do and keep it a secret until he's ready to tell other people? Sorry this is sort of jumbled. I hope it makes sense. We love our little dude. He's very sensitive and we want to make sure he'e happy, well adjusted and prepared to handle this stuff in the real world now and when he's older if it's something he chooses to continue doing.
    Ciao,
    Scarlett

  2. #2
    its important mykell's Avatar
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    hi scarlett,
    since they are young i would take baby steps with any decisions, time will tell, dont feel like a hypocrite just yet either,

    what i do suggest is seeking out a support group for you and the mrs.,
    i use pflag

    http://www.pflagatl.org/

    they can help find the resources your yung-un will need as time goes, they can provide trans friendly sources for support and professional advice.
    hope this helps....in the meantime making someone special feel good, what harm could that do. let him sleep in a nightie.
    Last edited by mykell; 06-15-2016 at 08:32 AM.
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that

  3. #3
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
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    Look at it this way: there is probably no parent in the entire world more qualified to handle this situation than you!
    You are where you are for a purpose :-)

    It's a tough situation, for sure. Seeking guidance from a councellor would be right at the top of my list if one of my kids was showing similar signs of stress over their gender (one who knows what they're talking about when it comes to trans stuff, obviously).

    All I can tell you is what I'd do in that situation, which would be to make sure my kid knows that it's ok to be themselves, an that it's ok to question and to experiment, and to find what makes them happy.

    If you live in an area where his peer group is likely to be judgemental, you may unfortunately also need to have a conversation about the realities of that. Hiding in closets sucks, but then he's only 7 ... maybe put it to him like some things are "need to know" ...if your friends are gonna be nasty to you about it, they don't need to know ...

    Aw heck I dunno ... that might be a minefield too. I'd head straight to a councellor, and get a professional opinion before I opened that can o' worms actualy.
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

  4. #4
    Crossdresser-At-Large BillieAnneJean's Avatar
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    Yes this may be a phase. Yes this may be more than a phase. He may be a CDer (genetic predisposition anybody?), or he may just be experimenting. But whatever he is, that's what he will be. And I think you and your SO are handling it admirably. You are facilitating at the minimum amount. That way you are neither hindering nor encouraging him. You are not, in wild enthusiasm, pulling him along to a destination he may not really be destined to reach. Perhaps revealing your CDing would best be delayed for a few years until his path is well defined. You are also not causing him to become more persistent by denying his desires.
    He needs to learn the risks of divulging to his peers. Hey everyone has secrets.
    If he mentions the nightgown again, act nonchallant about it. "Yeh OK we can get one for ya." Don't spend a lot of money on it. Keep it low key.
    Let us know now and then how it is going.

  5. #5
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    I believe that you and your wife handled this very well. When I was that age I wanted to play with dolls and wear girl clothes .I say let him do so and tell him when he is ready he can tell others.

  6. #6
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    I truly believe he needs to know about your crossdressing. Among other things, it will reinforce that home with the family is a safe place. Most importantly it shows him that you REALLY understand him and that he can trust you. It's one thing to tell him he's loved and respected, but some dads don't say or show it enough to make their kids really feel it. You'll need that when he gets into his teen years.

    First, have a talk with your wife. She may feel that your son learned to crossdress from you and resents it.

  7. #7
    Silver Member ClosetED's Avatar
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    It is not clear how much of this is wanting to emulate his father, typical for a son. Has he heard his parents talking about this? Or is this a sign of genetic connection of crossdressing? Most 7 yr old boys don't know about 'nightgowns', so maybe a long nightshirt may suffice. For dolls, he may be OK with a mixture of male and female dolls. Take him shopping and start with the androgynous stuff and see what the reaction is. Ask him why if choices are not acceptable.

    I agree that your wife may feel your crossdressing has changed his environment and caused this, so you may have to work hard to consider that.

    Hugs, Ellen

  8. #8
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    If he has hinted to this in the past it might be more than a phase but who knows for sure.
    Trans talk is everywhere on the news and he could be picking it up off the TV if he is a TV watching kind of kid.
    I would say you are the perfect parents for him and will give him/her all support and love you can.
    Keep us posted on how you handle it.
    Perhaps start a blog about this or a diary just to document things and you never know it could turn into a book that helps someone in the future.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Scarlett Viktoria View Post
    Some of my concerns are, I obviously want to supposrt him, but how do I know at this age if it's a phase, if he just wants to crossdress, if he really thinks he's a girl inside, etc.
    You let him lead, and in time the answer will be clear which it is.

  10. #10
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    You should ask him if he would like to talk to someone who is not his parent, like a therapist. Child counselors are really good about letting kids talk out issues without the child feeling "weird" like they might in front of a parent.

  11. #11
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    As a parent of 2 grown girls, I think u may be making a mistake, Scarlett. You're over thinking this and making a too big a deal out of the "nitegown". Take him shopping? That mite be extremely embarrassing for him!

    Just buy him a girlie one. Whatever u get him will be fine. I also suggest u buy some plain girl's clothing. T shirts, jeans, shorts, etc. Don't make them an issue, tho. Just place them in his dresser and say they r his to do with as he likes. My guess is, in a few months he and u will be better able to read the writing on the wall!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  12. #12
    Member Scarlett Viktoria's Avatar
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    Thank you for the support so far everyone! While we were fishing this morning he asked me what we were going to do afterwards. I said if he wanted we could go look at nightgowns. He said yes. Then he said no he wanted to wait. Then he said yes, then no. I told him it's fine and we wouldn't make fun of him. I said we could at leadt buy one and have it at home. That way if he wants to wear it, it's there and he can and if not it's no big deal. So we went and got him one and he's pretty excited. He wants to wear it all day, lol.

    So, to answer some of the questions/comments; he doesn't know I crossdress and he has not heard my wife and I talking about it. He knows about nightgowns because he has a 4yr old sister who wears them a lot. He commented about how comfy they look (and maybe that's all it is, lol, who knows). He has opportunities to play with her dolls and we have in the past bought him a couple things (not really anything like a Barbie though, but he does have access to lots of those). I have considered the therapist option. I feel like it might still be a little too early in the game for that. I want us to be able to work through this ourselves for awhile and get a better handle about his thoughts and feelings. But it is something to consider. Last, I don't believe he's picked it up from TV. Anyway, thanks everyone! I'll keep you updated.
    Ciao,
    Scarlett

  13. #13
    Silver Member daviolin's Avatar
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    Scarlett, I wish you and your wife the best on this situation. I'm sure you will handle it right in the end. I pray all is well with your son. He sounds like a cool kid that just knows what he wants. Daviolin
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    A CD AND HIS WARDROBE, ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING.

  14. #14
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    I think you handled it perfectly. Get the nightgown; leave the rest to him. You don't really have to worry about the next step -- he'll tell you what that is. I think the most important thing is that you speak to hm about it as his Dad and let him know it's not a big deal. Let him know the adult male doesn't see an issue and, as you have done, reassure him that he's always your beloved kid; you're always his Dad and nothing can change that. That gives him a stable platform to explore from.

  15. #15
    Silver Member Rhonda Jean's Avatar
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    My opinion...

    I don't think this is even close to making a psychologist visit advisable. I think that sometimes boys think that in order to do some things that are considered feminine, they have to be girls. I feel strongly that he should know that virtually anything that it's OK for a girl to do is OK for him to do. I think it's hard to find the line between allowing/accepting and encouraging. I'd say quit getting his hair cut. Let him know that you'll take him to get it cut whenever he wants or he can let it grow, and he can wear it however he wants. Let him choose a doll or two of his own. Without making a big deal out of it, get him some clothes from the girls department and tell him he can wear them anytime he wants, or not. If mom is getting her nails done, she can take him and let him know it's fine if he wants his done. Get him his own jewelry and let him know he has the freedom to wear it. You get the idea. Also, let him know if he wants to keep this at home and just between the family, that's OK too.

    I feel strongly that boys should feel free to explore outside gender norms. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I'd make sure he knew it absolutely is not a big deal. I'd hope that he felt free to explore, and equally free not to.

  16. #16
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    Scarlett,
    Don't think it's passing the buck but let your wife handle it , he appears to be more comfortable with his feelings with her. I personally wouldn't bring your CDing into it , it might be a passing phase and may confuse him all the more let him think you're just dad when he wants to do boy stuff.

    I know how my CDing started I was only a year older than your son , so I would suggest you give him space , don't smother him and see if his attraction to female things passes. It's hard to believe looking at your son but I was totally sexually active before 9 so he may be growing up quicker than you think. Again counselling may just confuse him , the best thing is be there for him but as we all know don't give him the impression how he feels is wrong .

  17. #17
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Virginia1983 View Post
    I recommend talking with a board certified doctor or psychologists, before you screw the kid up with your feelings and personal bias crap.
    Wow.... that was pretty harsh (yeah, even I think that was pretty harsh.)

    I read this post this morning, and while sitting around today recovering from the stomach flu, what kept going through my mind is the thought of - is what we do wrong? To many, it must be. Why else stay so hidden? Why else think that we can't talk to anybody? Even your son understands this. He gets that it is different enough that maybe if he expresses these thoughts others will think he is weird and different and might make fun of him.

    It's sad really. Sad that he thinks that and sad that you have never shared this side of you with him. I know most people will say not to tell him anything about you. But honestly, I don't think that what we do is wrong and I think that people can make intelligent choices about their own lives, children included. And how great of him to already, even with a bit of uncertainty, come to you guys and express his desires for these gender non-conforming things. Apparently he is more willing to come to you and tell you then you are to tell him. Brave child you have there.

  18. #18
    Member Scarlett Viktoria's Avatar
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    Hey Virginia, how about go **** yourself. Otherwise thank you ladies for the constructive help.
    Ciao,
    Scarlett

  19. #19
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    I remember my nightgown and male dolls, didn't make me weired.
    I still hate sleeping with anything that tangles up with my boys.
    Also - many males have low S count (including me) due to underwear, my doctor (last year) recommended ALL guys should wear skirts and no undies to ensure good healthy S.

    I also never really talked to my dad about my dressing, just my mum.
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
    http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz

  20. #20
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Hi Scarlett,

    I haven't read of a similar thing here before, and it certainly provides food for thought. My inclination is that it might be a huge weight off his shoulders if he were to learn that you too sometimes like to wear women's clothes - I'd say that rather than 'I'm a crossdresser'. But of course you risk him mentioning it to others, and telling him in the same breath, '...but don't tell anybody' instantly tells him crossdressing is not ok.

    How about suggesting to him that you have a family party where you, your wife and your daughter all wear clothes of the opposite sex? (I'd stick to a few clothes, not go the whole hog with wig and make up). That way he gets the message that crossdressing is acceptable; that his dad really is ok with it, but you don't have to out yourself. Still some risk to you, particularly if he mingles with those of a judgemental persuasion, but only you know what you can handle. Get your wife's take on this idea, perhaps she'll suggest a variation, but it does seem slightly out of sync for him not to know something so deeply relevant to him.

    Good luck!
    I used to have a short attention spa

  21. #21
    Member Jazzy Jaz's Avatar
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    I agree that given the circumstances, he'll benefit more from you sharing this side of you with him than from you keeping this side of you from him (or her or somewhere inbetween). Also, if he is already concerned about others finding out about him, then I doubt he will be in a hurry to tell others about you. If he knows that acceptance outside of the home is not guarenteed (which he obviously does) then he is sure to understand why you may not want your secret to be shared with others, however, your acceptance and ability to relate to him with this will show him that this is not "bad", it's just misunderstood. And he'll be better able to ask you questions and you'll be better able to answer them if you are open with each other. Anyhoo, good luck and you and your family are handling it great so far!

  22. #22
    Member Rileyaz's Avatar
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    What if you buy all four of you nightgowns to wear? That way he can see that you will wear one also and he may not feel so weird. You also won't have to "come out" to him yet and he will see that it's ok. Just a thought.

  23. #23
    New Girl to the PNW raeleen's Avatar
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    Hi Scarlett,

    I want to reiterate what many have said about you and your wife handling this really well thus far. It sounds like you're really being thoughtful and listening to your son and letting them lead in terms of what they're comfortable with. Awesome!

    Just to give a little context, I have a 6 year old trans daughter. She began expressing very early on to us that she felt like a girl and wanted to be a girl, and over the course of a couple years, we began to see that she definitely was along the trans spectrum. She has been very consistent in her views, and very strong in how she expresses herself, and to be quite honest, she's been a gift for us in terms of pushing me to be more honest and realistic about what I want and need and where I exist on the spectrum. My wife and I decided to tell our kids about my dressing, though it was framed very much as 'Dad has some dresses too that he wears sometimes and it's ok for people to wear what they want.' Our kids were barely fazed by it, and to be honest, almost never bring it up now. I haven't dressed in front of them, but seeing how my daughter is so clear on what she wants and how she chooses to be in the world has really pushed me to try and live my truest self. I questioned whether it was something genetic. Whether something I did pushed her one way. To be honest, and after a lot of reflection, I don't think I behaved differently with her, and really, it doesn't matter why. She is who she is, and she's amazing.

    All this is just to say that for your family, only you will know what's best for you all. I would encourage that you make sure your son knows that you and your wife are always there to listen and that you accept them for however they want to be in the world. I think it's much too early to assign paths to how they will be when they grow up. They might be a crossdresser. They might be trans. It might be a phase. Who knows. And more importantly, it doesn't really matter at this point. Just be a loving parent. Listen to them. If they trust that you'll be there, they'll help guide you on what they need in the world.

    Good luck, Scarlett! If I can help you any further, please feel free to message me.

    Hugs,
    Raeleen

  24. #24
    Adyson Saikotsu's Avatar
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    I say be open and honest with him. You are uniquely positioned to understand where he's coming from because you have similar fears and concerns it would seem. Let him experiment. If he has a warm, safe, loving environment in which he doesn't have to hide who he is, he will be able to explore and find himself.

    Also, I'm really glad your family is so accepting. So many of us didn't or don't have that environment.

  25. #25
    Heisthebride Heisthebride's Avatar
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    To reiterate what others have said, it sounds like you and your wife are providing a caring, thoughtful and loving environment.

    I don't know that you should come out and tell him you are a crossdresser but I think its an opportunity to be honest and open with him.

    You could say that sometimes I like to wear a nightgown too. And I have the same concerns that you do, that some people might make fun of me. Honestly, there are some people who will make fun of you if they found out because they don't understand. That's what people do sometimes. But you're lucky. People my age are more likely not to understand and poke fun, younger people like you are growing up being much more tolerant of all sorts of people, whether they have a different religion, or different colored skin, or if they like to play with dolls and wear nightgowns. If you want to wear a nightgown, that's great, if it's what makes you happy. But next time you see someone making fun of other people for being different, maybe you could help them feel more accepted because you know what its like to be concerned about being made fun of.
    Rebecca Bas

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