My 7yr Old is Feeling Conflicted

[Jenniferathome]

My opinion...I don't think this is even close to making a psychologist visit advisable. ....

I couldn't disagree more. One does not see a psychologist or therapist because one is nuts nor to get "fixed." It's platform for getting difficult to discuss things out in the open. A child of 7 knows quite well what is gender normal. Even if one's parents are open and supportive, that does not mean a kid will be willing to talk. Just articulating what they are feeling is a challenge and THAT is where a therapist of some kind can help.

I'll give an example, when my youngest daughter was about 10, she began to struggle with relationships with girls her age. She couldn't/wouldn't talk to my wife or I and just struggled. We FORCED her to go to child psychologist and she promptly refused to talk for the first three sessions (the psychologist will not tell parents any of the content of the sessions unless the child is at risk of hurting themselves or others and parents have to accept this). By the fourth session, my daughter was talking. After about 10 visits, she and the psychologist both agreed no further sessions were needed. A few months later, my daughter asked to see the psychologist again. The met a few more times and then stopped completely. The point is, an objective third party can and do elicit what is difficult for the child to discuss.

[docrobbysherry]

I agree with Jenn. And, have had similar counseling experiences with my younger daughter. She wouldn't talk with me about her issues. And, no one can get word in edgewise with my ex!
She worked thru her problems in just a few visits and they seemed to help!

My concern is that Scarlette and wife may push their son too hard and either make him feel guilty or pressured. A 3rd party with no stake in the game may be ideal if the boy will open up to him/her!

[Robin414]

Wow Scarlett, I can't help thinking you're at the right time and the right place!

My son is beginning to come out so to speak since I have at home and I seriuosly wish I weren't a late bloomer!

If I were in your shoes (and kinda wish I were) I'd definitely recommend counseling (if just to DELAY potentially dreadful puberty until your son (perhaps) daughter figures it out.

[MissTee]

I have a grandson a couple of years older and in the same situation. My daughter was at a loss on what to do and we talked at great length about it. Now, I am not out to my kids, but they at least suspect. Anyway, she took my advice and ended up keeping an open mind and neither encouraging or discouraging his propensities. He continues to occasionally put on her make up or try to fit in a dress, and he seems appreciative to being able to explore things on his own without judgement.

[Marcelle]

Hi Scarlett,

I will echo the others who have commented that I believe you and your wife are handling this well by not making a big deal about it with your son as it gives him the ability to drive the situation. However, all of us here can only speak from personal experience and unless there is a child psychologist hiding amongst the group (with gender identity training) it is only that . . . advice. IMHO the solution will not be found here . . . good place to bounce some ideas around for certain or just an emotional outlet but not a place to drive your decisions. Personally, I knew when I was young I was not wired like the other boys but different time and let's just say not a very sensitive upbringing.

So my folksy advice for you to take or leave . . . I truly like Jennifer's recommended approach and have a talk with your son and ask him if he would like to talk to someone about things. You don't have to be specific just let him know that sometimes everyone (even adults) find it nice to speak to someone else about things and then leave it up to him. If he doesn't want to talk and things just kind stabilize . . . then it was probably a phase. If he is truly conflicted (and some children know) this might be the thing he really wants to help find his way. One other word of advice . . . if you do plan to take him to a child psychologist please do your homework . . . not all children psychologists specialize in gender identity so you want someone with experience who is going to approach this with sensitivity and not just blurt out . . . so do you think you are a girl? Seriously, being in the field there are some very incompetent folks out there who do more harm than good.

My two cents.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Rhonda Jean]

I couldn't disagree more. One does not see a psychologist or therapist because one is nuts nor to get "fixed." It's platform for getting difficult to discuss things out in the open. A child of 7 knows quite well what is gender normal. Even if one's parents are open and supportive, that does not mean a kid will be willing to talk. Just articulating what they are feeling is a challenge and THAT is where a therapist of some kind can help.

Sounds like he's communicating with his mother about it.

I think that with all the trans attention these days, parent's as well as the psyc community are a little quick to think that when a boy wants to dress like a girl that he must really be a girl in a boy's body. I'm not debating that that happens. I'm saying that I think it's waaaay more likely that he just wants to dress up! Like you, Jennifer. I think he should feel totally free to wear dresses and play with makeup, etc. and wear his hair long, and this is all absolutely benign. If he's afraid of his friends finding out, I'm sure his parents will provide a safe haven.

He's just a kid who really wants to dress. Weren't we all? I say let him. If there's something more going on, there's plenty of time for psychologists. I also thing that his parents know him better than a psychologist will after only a few hours.

[kymmieLorain]

As the father of three boys, 27,21,&18. We have let them be themselves for the most part. While I think they suspect I CD none of them has said anything. They do know I paint my toes. My oldest once said, "Daddy has girly toes." All I said was So. Nothing was ever said again. Neither one of my boys has any problems with giving me or mom a hug in front of anybody. even in school.
Scarlett I suggest letting your son be himself. Make sure you let him know that you and your wife will always love him no matter what. If he wants to play with dolls. ( I played with action figures, masculine word for dolls) or wear a nightie. you are fine with it. Your son may feel it is easier to talk to your wife. I always did with my mom growing up. It goes that way, boys with their mom and girls with their dad. See what happens, time will tell. It seems that whither it is a phase he is going through or genuine CD or TG he has great parents what will be there to support him no matter what. As other said, I also so do not recommend any form of professional help at this stage. possibly at a later time. but defiantly not now.

Kymmie

[LelaK]

I don't see much sense in hiding your dressing from your own kids, esp. if the wife accepts it. Why would you not want them to know? They wouldn't have to see it, but it would surely be good for them to know about it.

[Tanya+]

I tis worth making contact or at least reading advice from The Royal Children's Hospital, Melbourne, they are all over this stuff.

http://www.rch.org.au/adolescent-med...ender-service/

There is a resources section.

I love the way you have been with your son. Open, no labels, accepting, no assumptions. That is his foundation of his life whatever the details.

[Scarlett Viktoria]

Just a quick update. I had forgot to mention in the past, he also has a purse and occasionally likes to have his nails painted. My wife was painting my daughter's nails a few days ago and my son wanted his fingers and toes done. Well, he went to his daycamp yesterday and of course all of the kids made fun of him. He said the night he had his nails done that he was prepared to deal with what the kids might say. But he ended up sitting by himself most of the day crying. I was at work when he told my wife about it but she asked him if having his nails painted made him happy. He said yes and she told him that's all that matters. According to her, he seemed to be fine while at home. He kept his nail painted and went back to face a new day today. It hurt me a lot to hear this and that my son felt so alone yesterday. Of course I wanted to go to his daycamp and tell all the kids what a-holes they are, but instead, after getting home from work, I went upstairs, got some nail polish and painted my nails. I surprised him the morning when I woke him up and told him to tell everyone his dad has painted nails too. I drove him to camp hoping everyone there saw my nails. Of course no one did, but I'd like to think I provided some sort of comfort to my son. He wasn't nervous going in today and I won't know how it went until I pick him up.

Guess that update wasn't so quick, lol.

[Amy Fakley]

Wow! I just have to say I am super impressed with how you and your family are handling this.

We've got a legitimate world's greatest dad right here, folks! :-)

[Tina81]

google "gender creative kids" and there is also a gender creative blog.
In any case, it's important to love these kids to pieces!

[Scarlett Viktoria]

Thank you Amy. I'm sure I would dissagree with you, lol, but thanks hun! So my son said some of the kids were being mean to him again and they said he couldn't play with them until he washed off the nail polish. But when I was taking to him in the car he seemed more worried that the polish was chipping, and had my wife redo them, lol. Anyway, I dropped him off again this morning and one of his counselors was so excited to show him that she had painted her nails with the exact same colors and pattern my son did (alternating pink and purple). He was pretty happy to see that. His mood has been very good these past few days at home so I'm glad he's being strong about this.

[Jenny Doolittle]

I am certainly no expert, but my thinking is a problem does not exist until someone says it is a problem.

I guess what I am saying is that is why children are so accepting of others being different because they don't know any better. It is only when so called societal norms get involve that someone feels guilty about who they are as a person. Use your common sense and your own understanding to deal with your son, it sounds like both you and your wife are perfect for the task.

[Rhonda Jean]

I think y'all are handling it well. I hate that he's been bullied about it, but the fact that he hasn't given in is a strong statement. I remember my one experience at day camp when I was his age. I was made fun of by a couple of counselors, but not the kids (as I remember). My things was my hair. After a few days they shut up about it, but it was a pretty scary few days for a little kid in an unfamiliar environment.

I'm guessing in a day camp situation that this isn't a group of kids that already know each other. The nail polish thing is new to him as well as the others. The new will wear off, if he just keeps wearing it. After a while it won't attract so much attention and he and everybody else will just get used to it.

I think y'all are showing him that you have his back. You'll probably encounter people who think you're being too permissive. I don't see it as permissive at all. You'll run up against a lot of things you won't allow. Things that actually matter. I fail to see that that there's anything at all wrong about him carrying a purse and wearing nail polish. I think you're showing him that you'll stick up for him when it's right, regardless of what others think, just like you may deny other things regardless of what others think.

In my obviously skewed opinion, I think it's a good thing when a boy bucks the gender binary. Next month or next year or ten years from now he may not do it anymore, but he'll be a better person for having done it now.