Went to a trans support group, but got weirded out and left...

[twelvestepemily]

A little background: I've always been totally closeted, keeping this a secret like my life depends on it (really has felt that way). However I recently started seeing a sex therapist and have told her about my Emily side...first time ever telling anyone! She's been great and has basically guided me toward seeing that keeping totally closeted is really just doing nothing to cope with it, and so I'm working on trying to connect with the community a bit.

Well so yesterday I found a local trans support group online, and decided I may as well take that step and go to a meeting. They just happened to have one yesterday, and I didn't have any excuse not to go, so I went but was going to be about 15 minutes late and was excited to meet some new friends.

When I got there (meeting was at a church), I saw a bunch of older women walking around in circles on the lawn spinning umbrellas over their shoulder. I stayed in my car for a few minutes trying to decide what to do and ultimately decided that this wasn't for me.
1) I was kind of weirded out by the whole thing (ironic I know...who am I to be weirded out by anything? that's the same sort of judgment that I fear so deeply, and that most people would cast in my direction if they knew about my private life. nonetheless, I guess I just couldn't wrap my head around why they were doing what they were doing and it felt very uncomfortable to me)
2) I wasn't too keen on being outside where the whole neighborhood could see this spectacle (it was a good 25 minute drive from where I live, so this actually wasn't a huge deal...but just in theory...I mean, why not offer more privacy for a support group like this?)
3) It was literally 95 degrees out. The sun was scorching. Again, why???
4) From where I was, everyone looked like they were 50+. Nothing wrong with that of course, but as someone in their early 30s, it was disappointing that there didn't appear to be others in my age group present there.
5) Everyone was dressed up. The meeting bulletin said everyone on the non-standard gender spectrum was welcome so I went in guy mode as I'm not yet comfortable en femme in public, but felt like I might not be very welcomed as a black sheep to the group.

Is this pretty normal with these support groups? Should I try to adjust my expectations for these things, or my tips for finding something more suited to me?

(...annnnd then again maybe this was just a group of older ladies enjoying a beautiful summer day and the actual trans support group was meeting comfortably in the cool confines of the church )

[JoanAz]

Unless you KNOCK on the door, you will just be another Woman in the closet (alone) even if the folks you saw were NOT CD. they would probably accept you in joining their conversation (no matter how you were dressed)
You took one baby step, Next time "bite the lipstick tube" and say hellow ..
Joan Az
Lake Havasu Az

[RobertaFermina]

CONGRATULATIONS, you got within sighting distance of a Support Group !!!!
That is HUGE progress !!

So consider next steps ?

I've attended lots of support groups, including trans support groups.
NOTHING you choose to do that is respectful, and modest will offend anyone, including showing up in man mode.
You're not the first gurl to be shy, nervous, or terrified on first sight/contact!!!
Your "Elder Sisters" will be very understanding.
If your experience is not one of unconditional acceptance and understanding, add it to your experience, and move on to another group.
As to your "feeling weirded out" experience, contact the group and tell them what you've told us.
Then, listen. If they are having a "good hair day" (ask?) Their response should be welcoming and somewhat accommodating, maybe even comforting !?
Communication is the best lubricant in sticky situations.

[Amy Fakley]

If you didn't get out of the car, how do you even know the ladies on the lawn spinning umbrellas were the support group and not, for instance, an interpretive dance interest group or something? My church does have one of those, and yeah they can look just this side of a burning man hippie drum circle from afar ... just sayin' :-)

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, girl!

I know where you're coming from though. If another forum member hadn't met me in the parking lot and basically dragged me through the door, I'm not sure I'd have had the nerve to walk into my first support group meeting either.

It's tough, making that first entrance, because all of your uncertainty, and internalized shame, and your fear of rejection is just at a rolling boil, and ... I get it. It's hard.

But you won't know if this group is right for you, until you get the nerve to actually make first contact.
They won't bite (I'm pretty sure, anyhow LOL)

:-)

[LelaK]

Yeah, why not actually go inside to see where the meeting was supposed to be?

[Tracii G]

What you did was judge others.
Ok I will be blunt here do you think you are soo much different than this group that you won't fit in?
How would you know YOU didn't even try so thats a boo on you honey.
If you don't make the first move or leap of faith and step out of the oh so holy "comfort zone" how in the world are you going make any progress.
Sounds like you haven't quite accepted your self yet.
All of us that are part of a trans group know how you feel on that first time and it takes guts to walk in that door.
You apparently are still too up tight to make the move.
I for one am so glad I walked in that door because I made some wonderful friends and learned more about myself that I could have dreamed of.

[twelvestepemily]

Thanks for kind words Amy! I actually questioned that myself and went on the church website and saw that the trans support group was the only meeting there that day, so felt a little more sure that I was jumping to conclusions prematurely!

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Tracii, you're right on all counts, but those are all things I have self-awareness about and mentioned in the original post. It sounds like you're chastising my for not being at the same level as you, but where's the constructive feedback? I guess maybe you're just trying to give me the push that maybe I need to go a step further next time...

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Roberta, thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement, it really means a lot!

[Eryn]

Maybe this group wasn't for you, but at the least they would have been accepting if you had given them a chance. There is no contract implied by stopping in and saying hello. I've gone to a few events that weren't my cup of tea but they have all been interesting experiences!

So, pull up your panties and get out there!

[Fiona123]

You might want to contact an organizer of the group and meet her initially before going to a group meeting. She could be your guide so to speak. Just a thought.

I think your first effort was a good one and encourage you to try again.🌺

[Allisa]

I know the feeling, my first support group meeting was so scary it took me about 5 minutes to even open the car door. After a few meetings I realized this particular group was geared more towards the TS and transitioning side, but were very kind and welcoming, they answered a lot of my questions and taught me about the different "levels" of CDing and the TG world, even though it wasn't called that back then, but still a very eye opening and informative few months until I found a group leaning towards the CDing only side of things, fun for awhile but not for me so, "alone again naturally". My first 2 meetings I attended as male and everyone was accepting of that.

[Helen_Highwater]

You might want to contact an organizer of the group and meet her initially before going to a group meeting. She could be your guide so to speak. Just a thought.

As I was reading through the post this was my thoughts exactly. I may turn out that the format for this group isn't for you. However you won't know until you make contact.

As for being the only meeting that day, well lets face it, not all web sites are kept up to date.

[Ellie Summer]

I also agree with Fiona. I know that the CD support group near me requires newbies to meet with one of the higher ups before going to an actual event. It doesn't sound too intimidating, they even offered to buy dinner! I think this is beneficial for both sides, as they can both get a feel for whether or not it's a good match. I think meeting a single person face to face will ease the transition into meeting an entire group. Best of luck

[stacycoral]

Girl you need to talke to Amy, or Lori here,bptj there in Denver, she will help you find a group right for you to visit with. hugs.

[Mykaa]

So you didnt even talk to them? I went to a meeting about 6 weeks ago, I was cordial and tried to talk, I gave it a chance, but I felt I didnt belong and my presence was tolerated, yes it was a group for TG women, but when I got my turn to introduce myself I got told well your just pretty typical, so No I havent been back. I can relate to what you say Emily, I suppose you havent talked with anyone like you? I like to talk, lol. Tell you what, I'll PM you.

[ReineD]

Spinning umbrellas out on the lawn does seem like an odd thing to do for a TG support group. Not everyone is comfortable being that degree of "out". Our group books a conference room in a downtown hotel for a fully catered dinner, and it also books an adjacent suite for people to change in if they feel they cannot leave home dressed. There's usually a short business meeting, and then an invited speaker plus lots of time for everyone to socialize. Sometimes, a few people choose to go out to local LGBT clubs after the meeting, which normally ends at around 10pm.

You might contact the members here who do live in Denver for some group guidance, but you can also contact the groups directly via email and ask for details of their meetings ... what they do, what is the focus of their meeting, are spouses or partners invited, etc. There must be tons of groups in your area.

BTW, the average age of members in our group is also 50+. But, there are a few younger members. And, new members have come while not dressed up. This was fine.

[Teresa]

No it's not normal, if I saw that at my first meeting I would walk away. My group meets at a small hotel and conference centre, most do dress to attend but there's no ruling and some have to come directly from work and may turn up in drab or get dressed at the hotel. We do get a cross section of ages but most are 40+ , I guess the younger dressers are going to clubs instead. We do have members across the TG spectrum , but we don't question at what point we all just enjoy the evening.

I would say have another look around , I'm sure you'll find a group that you will be comfortable with . From personal experience it will a big difference to your thoughts on CDing, to me it's brought all the aspects of it together , shopping to dress at home just isn't the same. It's also changed my wife's attitude, I have a feeling she thought I wouldn't have the courage to do it, my CDing didn't mean as much as I was making out. Now she's got over the idea of me wanting to be with men she realises it's fulfilling a need.
Both my counsellors recommended I join a group , they spoke from experience and they were right .

[Dana44]

I am pretty socially enabled. What to do? Get out of the car and go talk to those people. They may have been gg's out there doing some kind of ritual. If that was not them then they would have pointed to the church and said they are in there. But it is always nice to go meet people and age does not matter. Just be friendly. If it was them, then talk to them and learn from them. Then determine if the group was not your style. Who knows they might have been waiting to meet you.

[CynthiaD]

If that really was the TG support group, it would have weirded me out too. And I've been out and about forever. However, I have to believe it was some other group.

[Lauri K]

For what it is worth, I have never seen spinning umbrellas at the support group I attend here in Houston, (Trans-Fabulous)

Keep in mind that the Trans umbrella covers a broad spectrum, so attending any of these functions an OPEN mind is required.

So get out of the car and go see what it's all about before making a decision is my advice.

Yes it's hot here in H town but the meeting is indoors in a AC cooled room, so the makeup stays on and the skirts seem to provide additional cooling.

Don't be scared off by umbrellas, go back and see what it is all about

For all I known reading your post, there is potentially an umbrella fetish support group that meets at the same place at the same time in another room in the building............

[Tracii G]

I think you were just a little scared and thats OK we have all been that way our first time.
I wasn't chastising you I was just being honest so if you felt I was too harsh you need to get some thicker skin.

Yes Lori K you know all about weird fetishes LOLOL.

[Aleca]

It takes time, the more you keep going, keep exposing yourself the less weirded out you will feel but it is a roller coaster process filled with high anxiety that will reduce with repeated exposure too. There are times I got overexcited to be in a group meeting, then get there and feel totally out of place, then times I did not want to go but patted myself on the back at the end of the night. The key is repitition, repitition and eventually you wont feel weirded out anymore but feel you belong.

[Ineke Vashon]

I see nothing wrong with dipping a toe in the water before plunging in. I've done the same, walked up to DressBarn, actually touched the door with my finger tip and walked away. Next time I'll try both hands. I agree, the umbrella scene would give me pause as well.

Good luck next time, perhaps with people closer to your own age.

Ineke

[raeleen]

congrats and good for you even getting out there and considering trying it, emily. that's the first step.

I think a couple of the other folks on here have given some pretty solid advice. contact the group first and maybe that'll give you a better sense of what they actually do at the meetings and what you can expect. I reached out to the president of my local group and we met to chat a bit about the meetings and what I could expect. She was super supportive of me attending in whatever shape and form I chose, and it made it much easier to go to one (though I definitely stood in the doorway with my heart beating a thousand miles a minute and sweating like a pig before walking in)

That being said, I didn't really connect with any of the gals in the room. I had a similar experience, being in my mid-30's and being in a room where every single person was at least in their 50's, and mostly 60's. They talked about retirement and adult children, and I just couldn't connect. Though we were all cd's or somewhere on the spectrum, and it was great to connect with others like me, I have not developed any real friendships beyond that. I'm still seeking a real connection (and for whatever reason it seems like most groups are either real young, or real old. Where are my middle-age girls!?) but will continue trying to find groups and also connecting with others. Maybe we should start a 30's tgirls group on here or something!

Keep getting out there, hun. You'll figure it out.

Hugs,
Raeleen

[Shelly Preston]

I would say that most groups are accepting when new people arrive. As for the dress code. Some are just not comfortable going as a female. Those who turn in male mode are welcomed just as much. I know a few said they wished they had dressed to attend. but you don't know that till you meet the members.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Your nervousness is totally understandable! You felt uncomfortable, so you rightly took care of yourself and retreated. But you've begun opening up about your feelings and desires, both here and to the therapist, and that is huge. Don't worry, there will be other opportunities.

I'd urge you not to dismiss potential friendships solely on the criterion of age- you wouldn't dismiss going to college because it turned out the teaching staff were all older than you would you? I know you're keen to meet a partner, but focus more on coming to terms with the crossdressing first rather than looking for a lover, and talking to other crossdressers is your best way of developing your self knowledge.

If you're a more rounded person you'll be more open to others and better able to choose a successful relationship.

Hugs, Nikki