Question for my fellow CD's

[Mickitv]

Although I know you should look at it as dysphoria, I also look at it as just a "What If" question. What if I gave up everything and became a woman? What if I just showed up one day fully dressed as a woman? How would I live? I know some people would probably say that it is about time. But I always fear the pain and suffering of those I love and even what it would do to me. Although sadly stated, I would rather make the choice of dealing with it on my own. Sad but true unfortunately. I do have an immense respect for those who pursue it in any other way if it makes them happy and content.

[Jenny22]

Yes, daily.

[Teresa]

Mickitv,
The "what if "question almost became a reality for me, if I had separated I was planning how I could live possibly full time .

Yes I did think very hard and realised my wife would take on the full load of responsibilities, I still have an 86 year old mother, two great children and three grandchildren the hurt it would also have caused and what I began to feel. I accept that my life has to be a compromise, I posted a thread about living a double life, I'm not totally happy with it but I am being respected for the decision I finally came to . I remain a son, a husband, a father and now a grandfather, that takes some walking away from .

[Leah Grace]

Thank you for the replies everyone.

I suppose every one of us has thought about this at some point or another. There are days were I would very much like to be a woman, others where I if I had the choice to be born another way I would.

But I'm not dysphoric in the sense that I feel any dissatisfaction with my body or really much of anything. And sometimes I have to stop and remember that fantasies/fetishes and even crossdressing is not the same thing as being trans. Being transgender is not a novelty or a way to get attention, it's something that they genuinely feel is wrong and need to go through many hurdles to overcome.

It's just hard sometimes. But ultimately it's better to accept life as it is and try to be the best person I can be, as I am.

[Lucy Long Legs]

In some ways there is pressure to transition: it is a question which I am asked regularly and have given thought to. I am physically a very feminine man who is comfortable presenting as a woman but I realise that there is no way I would want to become one. The desire to dress is mainly driven by my femininity but I am still a man even though I often do not look, behave or think as one. I derive great pleasure from my female side, but do not imagine for a moment that I could become a woman. It's all in the chromosomes!

[Janine cd]

I've been there on several occasions. The only thing that's stopping me from believing that it's possible is the reality that I'm too old and too commited to my family to think it"s possible.

[HollyGreene]

I've always wished I'd been born female for as long as I can remember.
I wasn't, and I live with it. I like being a dad, so it has it's good side.
There are days though, when I maybe look at a woman and so wish I had a body like that.
I would never transition though. However much I was reshaped surgically and however many hormones I took, I would still know that my chromosomes were the wrong ones.

[irene9999]

I have days like that but mostly I'd attribute it to having "pink fog" and just wanting to dress up when sometimes I can't due to work or because I am busy with other things

[ReineD]

... and others who use "be a woman" rather than the possibly more correct "look like a woman" and so feel feminine, is that gender dysphoria?

If you don't mind I'll add a little to your "looking like a woman and therefore feeling feminine". You have a good point: constrasting "feeling feminine" to "gender dysphoria". Maybe this can be food for thought for the OP:

I've no doubt that any CDer feels differently when dressed than when in guy mode, else he wouldn't dress. And it is true that a dress or skirt is considered to be more feminine in our society than guys' pants, because usually it is women who wear the dresses and so dresses are associated with femininity in our minds. So I can understand why a CDer might say that dressing up makes him feel more feminine. But, men wear dresses too in our society (i.e. kilts in Scotland) and they're not thought of as being feminine. Why? Because kilts are associated with men. When we think of the femininity from dresses, skirts, makeup, etc (all these things that are normally associated with women), what we are really thinking about is the femininity that is inherently associated with women. And I hate to say it, but women don't need dresses, skirts, or makeup to be feminine. These things might make her look more attractive to some people, but she is still fundamentally feminine without them (think of a woman, naked in bed).

So if you were to actually try to describe the "feminine" feeling you get while dressed, how would you describe it. Feeling good? Feeling some degree of well-being? Feeling lighter maybe? Relaxed? Happy? Like on vacation? Proud or happy to have pulled off a look that you enjoy? And for some of you, maybe there's attraction or arousal sometimes? Or maybe some level of excitement?

These are all things that many of us feel (men and women) under all sorts of different circumstances not associated with wearing dresses and makeup, and so they don't really describe "feeling feminine". They rather describe various positive feelings. To me, feeling feminine is the way I felt when I found out I was pregnant (that my body could incubate a life like that), but not the way I felt when my colicky baby spit up all over me in the middle of the night. It's the way I feel when my SO looks at me appreciatively, the way only men can look at women (and this does not require any clothing or makeup on my part). It is the way my ex husband looked at me right after I had given birth (I was wearing a hospital gown and my hair was plastered to my head). It's the way I felt when my SO and I were walking along a street on our recent trip abroad when three men began following us and my SO protectively placed himself between me and them and hurried us along. Well, I don't know if that was feeling feminine, more like I felt safe, but I didn't feel fear with my SO there. The "feminine" part might have come in subconsciously, thinking there was no way I could have defended myself against three men.

As to things like being more nurturing, caring, giving up a career to stay home to raise kids, etc, this may have been described as "feminine" during a time in our culture when men worked and women stayed at home, but gender roles have narrowed considerably since then. Women work now and so lots of men nurture and care for their kids now too. So I consider these things just part of living up to our responsibilities, for both men and women.

Anyway, I can put on a pretty dress and some makeup, but that's just packaging and it isn't my fundamental femininity. The pretty dresses and makeup might make me feel like I'm more attractive (in the eyes of people who appreciate these things), but they don't make me feel feminine in a fundamental way like the other things I mentioned. All the times I have felt most feminine in my life have not involved dressing up and wearing makeup, although dressing up and wearing makeup do make me feel as if I have enhanced my looks (I've smoothed out my skin, enhanced my eyebrows, put a glow in my cheek) and so some men might find me more attractive, which was something that I enjoyed when I was younger (you might consider this feeling positive about fulfilling my genetic destiny). And I say "men" because frankly, women really don't care whether other women wear pretty dresses or makeup when we're together, it doesn't change the way we interact with one another and it doesn't make us appreciate our female friends more or less based on the way they're dressed.

So back to CDers feeling more feminine when dressed - is this the same femininity that I feel as a woman? I don't think it is. But certainly, putting on dresses and makeup does make a CDer look more feminine compared to being in guy mode. And looking feminine makes you all feel good.

Gender Dysphoria, on the other hand, is something entirely different than that and people who experience GD have not described it as a pleasant feeling, if you read the threads in the TS section. This is a description of Gender Dysphoria from the NHS:

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Gender-.../Symptoms.aspx

[Crissy Kay]

Very interesting topic. For myself, no I would not want to be a woman or dress 24/7. It would be too much work!! I am very happy to be a guy who cd's part time.

[TakaraYu]

I've had some desire to be a woman, but I have more of a desire to have a trappish body. just seems more fun in the long haul

[ChristinaK]

Hi Leah,

I went to the description that Reine linked to. With the exception of removing my male part, I'm pretty TG. Kind of a revelation actually.

I've always felt unable to connect well with males. I'm not very competitive and dislike the harshness males exhibit so often. I've never liked the one upsmanship and bragging by so many males. Haven't ever liked sports, other than cars.

When I was young, I wished I could wear dresses like my sister and her friends (did it in secret).

I have always loved to go through the women's section of catalogs. Sexual and nonsexual reasons.

I have ways liked having female versus male friends.

In male mode, my feelings about my looks is one of mild disgust. I have never had a manly body and men's clothes are ugly. I could never understand what would be attractive to a woman considering most male bodies.

In female mode, I feel pretty. My self image makes me happy. I love the beautiful fashions, colors, prints. I love the way my face is transformed by makeup. I love women's hair styles. I love to use feminine body language.

Most of my life I thought it was just sexual, but even in puberty I used to fantasize about living in San Francisco as a girl, a lesbian actually. A girly one.

As I get older, the desire has grown stronger. My male hormones have reduced. It's really the thing that provides me with the most happiness in my life right now and when I cannot be Christina for an extended period, like now, when my family is home for the summer, it really does make me long for it and wish my family could disappear for a day (very selfish).

So, I guess that's dysphoria if someone wants to name it.

Reine, you are correct in saying that we can never experience being a real woman, but is that really a problem? We feel the way we feel, right or wrong, realistic or not.

[Nikki.]

Christina, I'm pretty similar in terms of personality type, etc. No issues with my plumbing either. Is it GD? I dunno. But I do know there's a frequent nagging in my head about presenting as a female and gender. Right now I'd describe it as being 50-50 and the desire to present as either as the mood fits. But I never identified as a girl as a child, though I had occasional feelings of wanting to be one. And my best friends at times have always been female. Never had close male friends.

[Andrea Evadne]

I understand how you feel. In my late teens I felt it very strongly, and even considered a sex change, but the feelings went away as I went into work, and traveled, and had a family. Now I am older, it is coming back, stronger all the time. I am afraid the day will come when I want to be my wife's wife, not her husband...

[Lily Catherine]

At the surface level, I definitely wished to look like a girl. That is, in appearance, attire and shape - preferably as attractive as I could plausibly be. All dressed up, I probably fulfilled my desires to 'feel pretty', and hopefully look the part.

This being said, when I crossdress I don't need to go all the way to hyperfeminine clothing and excessive make-up. Just a wig and lingerie at least. I don't really care if I'm unattractive if I'm not in front of a camera, although I'm still quite dependent on the hair and undergarments for some tactile reassurance.

I have had many moments of wishing to possess a female anatomy, even and especially when naked. The lines here have been blurred and inconsistent ever since I was a teenager. They oscillate from highly sexualised thoughts (given the focus of these moments), to the occasional dissatisfaction with my own scrawny body, to reflections about vanity and misguided desires for beauty.

I wouldn't say I'm facing extreme dysphoria despite this; I still socialise for the most part as a man. Yes, I study and play instruments and read and work and make phone calls and text while crossdressed, but when it comes to communicating with others that side of me still isn't visible. I do get frustrated when I don't get to dress, but that part could also be partially attributed to simply missing a form of gratification.

While I have also given due thought to living full time, it is merely that for now. I don't wish to let my selfish desires take over at this point, much less letting a single part of me do so. It isn't as if I crossdress to escape, given that I still have to face reality even with a bra, panties and a wig; but this side of my identity and habits does not sign her name to anything yet.

As for the prospect of transition? It's much too grave and life-changing to be rushed into or even lightly considered, so I'll lay off any definite answer. I genuinely doubt my level of dysphoria warrants this irreversible process, at least for the time being.

All of the above can only reflect what it's been for now. I do anticipate a fair amount of change will follow.

[susmitha]

Yes. I think my situation may be similar to yours. During intimacy with my partner, I like to be in the female role always. And, like to dress as female always in private.