The chicken TG?

[Tina_gm]

Suzanne I am certain your decision to live your life as you feel authentic was the correct one. You are living proof of my earlier statement I made. You and others on here are in part why I made it. We can serve others best when we are healthy happy individuals. Better partners, friends, family members and as parents.

My wife has even agreed I am a better person now after I accepted my own gender variance. I'm sober, more calm and rational. I think more clearly (a lot of that from sobriety) but sobriety has only been successful since my own acceptance.

Yes, she struggles with it at times. She has felt a bit of conflict. I have not walked your path, mine no where near what you have had to traverse. The concept though I believe has a similarity to it. I would not bet much on my wife being able to handle it if I lived fully as female.... but she has also over time come to handle what i am far better than what she thought she would.

[Lorileah]

I am confused now. I respect your feelings on this but I don't understand. So I can see why you don't understand the feelins of the CDs here.

but my relationship with him is totally different... I didn't marry a 'human'... I married a man... so if he is J... he is the man I married...but if he is Jenny...the it changes my sexual orientation and cause me to be married to a girl....
my mother-in-law doesn't lose a child ...his cousin doesn't lose a cousin...but me...I become a widow when the skirt comes on....

This is especially troublesome to me. I know a lot is made here about how people feel they change when clothing comes on. Maybe they do but that seems incongruous to me when some one states they aren't TS but "just" a crossdresser. I have argued this before when it comes to sexuality. I'm sorry but a crossdresser who still has and uses the boy parts cannot be a lesbian no matter how you slice it. You may want to be a lesbian, but when the clothing comes off and the pieces connect it is a man/woman relationship. I am getting this vibe from you. Somehow in your mind the "Male" parts go away and your mind reads lesbian. That much I do understand. But it isn't true. If he changes enough to make you not want to be with him, he needs to step back and rethink. I had a relationship witha GG for 15 years. Not once was that relationship anything but heterosexual even when I had on certain clothes. She never felt I was a woman making love to another woman (we were one person making love to another person,,,we didn't look any deeper than we were in love and it was just a shell on the outside, it was a soul on the inside). It scares me even MORE for you to describe yourself as a "widow" as if your husband will never come back. He doesn't die, and if you see him as dead, that is something I would, as your spouse, be very concerned about. Having true split or multiple personalities is highly unusual. Under that piece of cloth is the "Man" (your words) you married and I pray that when you married him it was for more than a physical endowment.

Even as Transsexuals, our minds don't go away. Our hearts don't disappear. If he fixed you sink before, he can fix your sink still. Too much emphasis is placed on a body part. Your husband still maintains that part technically. If his attitude changes to you with a dress, you need to have him adjust that. I am the same person who was married 27 years. the same person who loved the women I was with my whole life. Putting on clothing din't change that. And luckily my partners didn't change when I did. If you are solely in love with the image, I worry, because in my 60 years here, I have not met Dorian Grey. WE all change. To me it brings in the fear that what if your spouse lost all his hair? Less love? What if your spouse lost all their money? Less love? What if, God forbid, they lost ability or some part of the body.....Less Love? In my world, that means love wasn't there to start. 18 months of caring for a wife who had brain cancer, I watched her change, and yet...I still loved her. But I know my life is different than most. I had glamor once, my firs wife was a Bunny,,,yes beautiful. I still hold a place in my heart for her but it wasn't true love, it was young lust. I have what I think is true love and although there were always things I didn't like, from simple change in hair color to outright deception, I still loved them with all my heart. the shell didn't matter. I like to think MY shell didn't matter. I can't ask either one because they are gone. And when that happens all the skirts and panties and makeup your SO may have worn become minutiae. In the long run, it doesn't matter.

I know Susan and her SO. It almost makes me cry every time to see how much they love each other and how hard they work to stay together. Yes, there were times of question, but they saw through the shell. It comes down to your definition of love. Do you love the physical object? Or do you love the soul and spirit. I wouldn't give anyone a nickel who just loves the physical.

[Pat]

I'm sorry but a crossdresser who still has and uses the boy parts cannot be a lesbian no matter how you slice it.

OMG, I'm hoping the pun was unintentional...

Even the times I heard guys using that "logic" they were being facetious. I'm hoping it's just the standard internet problem of text giving no emotional cues is the reason it comes up (frequently) here. You guys are all just kidding -- right? Nobody believes it? Right?

Let's all just agree that "gay" and "lesbian" are talking about cisgender-on-cisgender behavior and don't apply when you add trans people to the mix. A trans man having sex with a cisgender guy is not gay sex. A trans woman having sex with a cisgender woman is not lesbianism. Trans sex words haven't been invented yet, though I look forward to them.

[Teresa]

Lorileah,
Thanks for those thoughtful words, this is one time when I would like my wife to read the forum.

Loss or lack of love is a sad fact, some people struggle with the ability to show it . I just have to accept my wife shows it in her way, most of the words you highlight from Lidea I have had said to me. I have been corrected for using the term male lesbian, instead I adopt bi-gender but whatever label I do have a deep love for my wife. Dressing has never entered the bedroom but even so intimacy has gone, my wife doesn't want to know, all I can do is respect her wishes, she doesn't appear to appreciate that it's one of the building blocks of marriage. Yes she still wants the man to do the things a male partner should do , which I am still capable of, it's part of my job but at times I feel more like a handyman than a husband. I've said this before but I do feel my CDing is being used as an excuse almost at times as a punishment, I find it hard sometimes to come to terms with this when she realised how much she did need me when we almost separated .

I did find it upsetting when I read your words about the shell not mattering , the core still remains intact , I feel my core is being damaged and all I have to hold onto at times is the shell ! Much of the time that shell prefers to be Teresa because I'm fulfilling a need that makes me happier.

[Jenny Elwood]

Thanks for all your input people. With me being home for the foreseeable future both parties will have some time for instrospection and discussions of the way forward. Our marriage was hanging by a very thin thread before the accident but it seems at least this unfortunate incident has been the catalyst to some positive movement. Both parties have at least agreed to try see if we're willing to rebuild. Thanks again for everyone's input. :-)

[Aleca]

Yes, those things do take affect.

[Jane G]

I can vivadly recall. Laying on my back looking up at the stars, on a perfect night. I was fully on fem stone cold sober and just lay there for an hour or more, thinking I should wait until dawn then just let he world find me. I too went to bed. I woke the next day happy with my life. It's important to challenge your self and ask questions of your self. It is also important to listen to the answers.

[Tina_gm]

Well Jenny that is a very good thing that you guys are going to try to reconcile whatever your differences are. If- the sticking points are gender related, I guess you both need to be ready for some strong compromise IF- that is what you both want most out of life is each other.

Again I will say this- and for those of us who in our soul are women that is something different. For those of us who have a need for feminine gender expression yet deep down we still want the life we have most of all, our compromising, while a very unique situation is still the same concept of compromise that life partners give to each other. The same compromising that many parents give for their children.

If my life was all about me and only me, besides dressing however whenever, it would be spent primarily on the beach, the golf course and in a casino. I do go to all 3 of those places, but no where near as much as I would like to. Now add in the gender component, and it is in a way the same thing. IF as you did Jenny, decide that your life is best spent as a man, then you should honor that. Not that dressing or other feminine gender expression should not be done. But, sometimes we as CDers need to focus on the end goal of our lives.

To our partners- Yeah, ya don't dig it. Most of us do understand this, and understand why. But... YOU are choosing to stay with us regardless. WE are still giving you reasons to stay. Fighting our gender variance will never do any good for either you or us. That is not to say WE always do it as we should. WE sometimes pick bad times, WE sometimes act selfishly, as WE are human. Those can and should be worked on, worked through. Fighting a part of us that cannot be changed though, trying to make us feel bad about ourselves etc etc.... I am not saying this is happening with Jenny and Lidea, but just in general. We have read many posts of verbal abuse given from the partners of CDers to the CDers. Just as WE the CDers need to put our lives into perspective and realize what is most important, so to do you the partners need to not be at war with IT. IF we are really that bad, or it is so bad, then by all means leave and go find the "real man" of your dreams. WE didn't choose this, it chose us.