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Thread: Ultimatum

  1. #1
    Junior Member Jessica1983's Avatar
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    Ultimatum

    That's it I have to make a choice now I'm due to start counciling just waiting for my appointment to come through for my first session but my wife has seid if I can't stop were finished she can't cope with it anymore on any level

  2. #2
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    Your wife needs to join you at that appointment. She doesn't understand that she is asking the equivalent of "don't have blue eyes" or "don't lose your hair."

  3. #3
    Member Shiny's Avatar
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    Maybe you should suggest that your wife is the one who needs counselling? In my 50 year journey with this "condition" or "hobby" and nearly everyone else who's a member of this site knows as well, you have a better chance of changing your eye color or blood type than you have of banishing this particular affliction. This is something we're all stuck with, you live with it. If your wife can't come onboard with it, that's her problem, not yours.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member Mykaa's Avatar
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    I can relate to some degree to both sides of the fence, but if she truly cares about you I'd think there would be some want to understand you and like Jennifer says she needs to come with you, anyone who does this has to see at some point it doesnt go away. I know for my own happiness I finally understood this.
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  5. #5
    Silver Member Meghan4now's Avatar
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    Jessica,

    Sorry to hear this. I know it's difficult, and there is some sympathy for spouses that feel deceived or angry about crossdressing. I have also received some push back.

    But an ultimatum is a challenge, and usually backfires on the one issuing it. Maybe not immediately, but down the road. Is she really that uncompromising? Is she willing to live in a relationship with a serious sense of resentment? Are you? Any idea why this is the last sraw? Is it really even about dressing, or is it other factors, and this is an easy excuse. You both need to confront yourselves, and not so much each other. Remember the direction the relationship takes is BOTH of your choices, not just yours, not just hers.

    Good luck.
    Put on a Happy Face.

  6. #6
    Junior Member Jessica1983's Avatar
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    I told her about 3 years ago and acceptance has gone down more along the way it's not her fault she wants a man not some one who is both I should have come clean at the start she is very open to others just not her husband being one it's hard I have to kids as well so I don't want to leve them to I will ask her about joint council it may help thanks for listening

  7. #7
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    For every story about a wife accepting this, there seems to be one or more about barely tolerating it, and one like your story. Still single at 62, here, never found an accepting lady in my age range. Hoping she will agree to go to the counseling too.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  8. #8
    MtF Transgender JeanTG's Avatar
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    Joint counselling will probably be necessary. There are two factors here: one, she has to recognize as Jennifer said, she is asking you to "not have blue eyes". The other is that sexuality is pretty deeply imprinted on our souls, as are our sexual likes and dislikes. Accepting you totally as femme in a sexual relationship, isn't likely to work for her either. And it's just as much you asking her not to have "blue eyes". What turns her off, turns her off, and there's not much you can do about that. So it becomes a case of "it's not all about me", and learning to respect each others' boundaries. If you want the marriage to last, you need to be the man she married. If she wants the marriage to last, she needs to allow you an outlet be it DADT, or panties only or whatever. She also needs to learn to trust you all over again because apparently you kept it from her for years. You need to both work this out, and then you need to respect those boundaries scrupulously; both of you will have to compromise. There are times in life when it's appropriate to step on the brake pedal before hitting the wall. This is one of them.

  9. #9
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    From reading your previous comments on this site you would like to be able to stop wearing women's clothing because of you wife's non acceptance. It's not uncommon for a woman to be accepting and even supportive of gays, lesbians and transgender men and women, but, NIMBY, not in my back yard. I'm approaching 70, and, I thought I would be able to stuff my desires into the box of women's clothing and put it in the back of the closet. It did not work. I suspect it will not work for you either.

    I hope you're not approaching counseling with the goal of shedding any and all desires to cross dress. I think counseling is fine to sort out who you really are and to live with it. I think your wife is approaching counseling with the idea your desires need to be broken, like training a dog not to pee in the house. Go for several sessions alone, but, then have your wife also attend. She needs to become informed so she can make a decision based on knowledge.

    You cannot stuff the genie back in the bottle once she is out of it.

  10. #10
    Member Molly James's Avatar
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    Hi Jessica,

    Sorry to hear of you being given this ultimatum - it is one I dread myself to be honest. Here's hoping the counselling does the trick & your wife begins to understand this isn't something you can choose to switch on or off.

    Molly.
    Just be who you wanna be - even if only for a few hours here & there!

  11. #11
    Junior Member Jessica1983's Avatar
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    Thanks again we have a lot of stress on us because one of the children has special needs and is hard work but other than this we don't have any other problems so it's not that she's useing it as a easy way out if I stopped that would make it better but I've tryed
    That's why I'm going to try the counciling first I don't get to dress often only maybe once a month when there all out but I think about it all the time i have tryed compromise but that dosent work it's just the thought of it makes here unhappy some times if she thinks I've been dressing she's unhappy

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    I would like to thank u all for your help and listening

  12. #12
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    Jessica - I feel for you, hun, I really do...

    I hope you can convince your wife to try a joint session - it may help, but it may not...

    By the tone of what you've said I get the feeling this isn't going to be an easy process for you - if you possibly can, be prepared for a lengthy process of counselling and the possibility that there might not be a happy ending for both of you at the end of that process... In which circumstance, you have to think of yourself and your children. Do you have any other support available? I'm thinking of a local support group that might help you find something of what this means to you...?

    It may seem negative, but "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best" isn't always a bad way of approaching these sort of times...

    Fingers crossed for you...

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
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  13. #13
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Jessica,
    It sounds like your wife's outburst is a spur of the moment comment, It's what she would prefer to happen but underneath she probably realises it's not possible.
    No counsellor is ever going to attempt to make you stop, you can't change the fact that we're wired differently , many were born like it, we have to accept that fact and come to terms with it before you wife can begin to.
    I was in gender counselling with Relate which was closed down through an overspend so you are lucky if you have NHS funding, I wouldn't do it any other way with my wife's lack of acceptance .
    Make the most of the sessions and be totally honest without holding anything back, they are there to help you so give them all the help you can.
    At the moment you can do no more to appease your wife, you know the outcome if you try and stop dressing, all you can do is be as suppotive as possible as a husband and father. I do feel for you, I have an autistic granddaughter so I I know how difficult it can become.

    Also don't be afraid to come to the forum and vent or rant most of us have been in similar situations so a few kind supportive words can go a long way.

  14. #14
    Silver Member JenniferR771's Avatar
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    Jessica,
    I had a similar ultimatum 15 years ago. I went to the counselor, but he was in the same clinic as my wife's counselor..and...he had a similar viewpoint. Essentially, that I was a sexual deviant and needed to be cured. He told me to purge. But he knew almost nothing about cd--he borrowed books from me. Later I shopped around on counselor's websites and found a better counselor. And later we found a joint counselor. He was not much help. Look at the websites of all the counselors in your area and read between the lines very carefully. You don't want old school guys.

  15. #15
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    Hi Jessica

    Ultimatiums are never a good thing as they normally dont work

    Does your wife know you are going to counselling ? If she does, she may be thinking this will give you the answers on how to stop. I would think the counsellor will suggest your wife either speaks with them on there own or with you both at some point. Hopefully this will give her a better understanding of your needs.
    Shelly

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  16. #16
    Gold Member Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    Unfortunately many women can't cope with our desires or our choices or even if this is part of us it makes it even more difficult because most just won't agree that we can't stop.
    I have tried to help mine understand but in the long run I just don't think she will and you know what so be it I've got a lot of other things in my life I don't get either it's life and we just move on. I hope she can somehow accept at least a small part of this for you and it will improve for you

  17. #17
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    So she is at the point of accusing you of dressing even if you haven't ??
    That sounds like she is trying to pick a fight IMO and if you say you haven't she will say you are lying and if you say yes well you are in trouble.You can't win either way is what I'm saying and she is guilt tripping or playing you.
    Sure sounds like she thinks YOU have a problem not her.
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  18. #18
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    I agree with Jennifer. It would be nice if your wife went along with you. This would help her to recognize this is an issue for both of you to tackle (reach a compromise) rather than just have you stop entirely. Also, if your wife thinks that the crossdressing turns men into women, she might benefit from speaking with a professional who can explain the difference between the crossdressing and transsexualism or gender fluidity.

    I hope you don't mind but I saw a post you made some years ago where you seemed obsessed with the CDing in a way that would indicate you had trouble achieving balance. Even if you don't dress frequently, if you think about it all the time your wife may feel the pull away from the family. If this is the case, it could be what your wife objects to the most. Maybe to her, the CDing is something that is so powerful that it takes her husband's attention away from her and the family. I may be wrong, of course, but if this is your wife's objection, you would need to find a way to balance it all in your mind, and your wife would need to recognize that you need some time and space to crossdress but that this needn't take away from your willingness to engage in being a husband and father.

    On the other hand, some people are against the CDing for religious reasons and if this is the issue then I'm afraid that religious objection is the hardest thing to combat.
    Last edited by ReineD; 06-27-2016 at 12:46 PM.
    Reine

  19. #19
    Silver Member Meghan4now's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tracii G View Post
    Sure sounds like she thinks YOU have a problem not her.
    Uhhhh, I am pretty sure that this is the general attitude by most muggles, even if they are tolerant! Beside the fact that most people think that about most disagreements!
    Put on a Happy Face.

  20. #20
    Junior Member Jessica1983's Avatar
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    Hi thanks again I've made her look bad here sorry for that it was not what I wanted to do she knows it is both of are problems and has been trying to accept it but feels she can't not it's not out of the blue I did think it would come to this I will start the counciling but spoke to them today and can't start for acouple of months so I'm going to try private and once I get started I will see if she will join me

  21. #21
    Silver Member JenniferR771's Avatar
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    It happens. Sure--she married a masculine man and wants to be with a man. However, you married a pretty woman. Now, there is a good chance that her hair is shorter, makeup is rare, she is 10 pounds heavier and she owns more jeans than you. Is it possible you have more heels, prettier dresses and more pantyhose? An ultimatum is a negotiating position. She wants counseling. Hopefully she will soon be educated about cding. Perhaps she will understand it better, and appreciate you as a person. And you her. Play nice. Find a counselor who is gay.

  22. #22
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Jessica,
    It's very hard trying to work round your wife and not make her look bad, I had this problem with my counselling sessions, My wife just told me it's my problem and for me to sort it out. This is very difficult when they don't want to be involved or talk about it, I felt I couldn't move forward because I kept hitting a brick wall. It's always been the reason why I wanted to know as much about my CDing as possible , I could try and fully understand it myself so I could come to terms with it and accept myself. If I then could talk to her I could at least explain it. It turns out that the best thing I did was to go out dressed to a social group, I think it proved to her that it wasn't something I was making up. If I had the courage to go out the door dressed and drive to meet other members of the TG community in a public place like a hotel then it must be something strong enough to overcome any fears I had of looking like a woman.
    She is also far more accepting of my shopping , I asked if she would help in anyway but she refused, again knowing I have the courage and confidence to do that has made her realise that I'm prepared to do that to satisfy my CDing needs.

    Like most Cders this doesn't happen overnight, it takes a few steps forward and often a few backward ones. She may eventually do what your wife said and tell me she's had enough. We did nearly separate and she realised what she was losing but we both discovered how much it was going to hurt us and the rest of the family, she needed my support as the husband and father and now grandfather. I will add that it's not easy, that's still true and I'm twice your age.
    Last edited by Teresa; 06-27-2016 at 05:41 PM.

  23. #23
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica1983 View Post
    That's it I have to make a choice now
    No, you don't. It's her ultimatum so it's her choice to do what she threatened, or not..

  24. #24
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    When my wife first discovered that I was a CD, she told me to see a therapist and "get fixed".

    Fortunately for our marriage, our minister told her it was no big deal, that it was just a form of arousal. As I've said here many times, we still have a DADT relationship 9 years later, but at least the minister talked her off the edge of the cliff, so to speak. We saw a therapist together for a few months, and decided he wasn't helping. I then saw a therapist on my own for several years. But the main thing that therapy accomplished was to empower me and absolve me of guilt. Great for me; not so great for my wife.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

    Gender fluid (adj.) - Describes a person whose gender identity is not fixed. A person who is gender fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel [more] like one gender some days, and [more like] another gender other days.

    Ref: https://www.lgbthealtheducation.org/wp-content/uploads/LGBT-Glossary_March2016.pdf

  25. #25
    Aspiring Member MelanieAnne's Avatar
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    but my wife has seid if I can't stop were finished she can't cope with it anymore on any level
    So here is the burning question: Can you give it up for the rest of your life? If you can, you will be the first!

    Women who give ultimatums are accustomed to getting their own way. What will be the next ultimatum? You only have one life to live. I'll leave it there.
    Last edited by MelanieAnne; 06-27-2016 at 09:32 PM.

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