I have been out of the closet 3 weeks now, motivated by participating in a Trans Pride March and a Pride march but mostly by a lot of kicking in my rear. I read books like Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps, Depression and Anxiety workbook, Anxiety & Phobias workbook, every night before bed. I have been out to three grocery stores, coffee, the library, post office, the Mall, bookstore, three support group meetings, three Codependents Anonymous meetings,all neighbors have seen me now, no questions, no extended stares, no laughing...oh and daily morning walks and visible to my entire neighborhood working on my a/c. Four decades of in the closet helps provide motivation but even so in getting out I have had to push myself through constant anxiety, sleeplessness and some 14 panic attacks in three weeks. I have learned to critique hard. I keep telling myself: that nothing in life worthwhile is ever easy, I don't want to feel like a wanna be later and once again chickened out, that if I am not challenged while out every day then I am not growing. But even so my neighbors have all seen me I still act paranoid around them. for example, earlier this afternoon my neighbor sees me through his window and I still retreat. OK, I am thinking put on something a little more casual and get your rear end back outside.so I do and I'm less self-conscious. I guess I was uncomfortable in the tight tube top I had on but still this guy sees me out everyday and we visited a couple times, had a couple drinks last week. most importantly now I think I have it programmed but I am not going back to get male clothes to finish something I already and I've already been seen.the same neighbor has been good at pushing me. when I told him that I was a cross-dresser I loved his reaction, "so what?!" he said.
Now tomorrow, I know that inner critic will be loud again. It will be 3 days since my father passed away (I have allowed myself back into the closet to grieve) but plan to do a few out and about activities with my black dress and had to stop feeling shame as I know my father would respect me being myself, plus it's my birthday tomorrow and damn it I better look my feminine best outside these walls, so there is a lot of internal criticism that I constantly have to fight but I've been getting through it. there have been times where I didn't want to dress up and didn't like being out dressed up and yet still knew that I had to because it's pretty obvious at this point this is something I want...to be me. So I think right now I have all the right moves and have a pretty good attitude in fighting it and in no way is it easy but I guess it is not supposed to be. next on the agenda list is opening up communication with the wife who does know about my interest, with the do not ask, do not tell policy and get over a lot of denial crap....by all means work hard at it too. A lot of work to get done.
