Wife said she would never had married me!

[ReineD]

if the latter there will be trouble as soon as something happens that causes you to deviate from that image too far, be it crossdressing, illness, or simply evolving with life.

People do change throughout their lives and some couples do grow apart. I don't think this has anything to do with not conforming to an image, since we all change and mature as we age. Who does expect their spouse to be the same person they were on their wedding day. And I also don't think that being ill shatters an image that a spouse should always be healthy. If this is the case, then I imagine the other spouse is unrealistic in addition to being callous, if they divorce because their spouse has cancer or something. This leaves us with the CDing.

While I agree that Judy's wife might have an entirely wrong mind's-eye image of what being a crossdresser means, if she can change her perception she will discover that her husband is the same person he was last week, albeit with an added dimension.

[Chelsea B]

Judy, don't purge! You know you will regret it.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, there is an opportunity to move it forward, to give your wife as much information as she can get, as she becomes ready to hear it. We don't know your relationship, but if you have a happy marriage in other regards, it would not surprise me to think that she may gradually take this in, process, and come to terms with it. After all, you are the same man she has always known.
It's your move!

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks all for you input I do appreciate it.

My son and his GF just started planing their wedding and of course my wife is very excited. If I come out now the term oil it causes would extremely interfere with the joy and excitement of my son's wedding. I know she would never forgive me for that.

I feel I've enjoyed the "Miss Judy thing" in the closet for 35 years I feel at least at this point it would be better to keep Judy in the closet.

[Eryn]

People do change throughout their lives and some couples do grow apart. I don't think this has anything to do with not conforming to an image, since we all change and mature as we age. Who does expect their spouse to be the same person they were on their wedding day. And I also don't think that being ill shatters an image that a spouse should always be healthy. If this is the case, then I imagine the other spouse is unrealistic in addition to being callous, if they divorce because their spouse has cancer or something.

The sad thing is that many people. men and women, are that callous. How common is it for a man to divorce his wife in middle age and marry a "trophy wife?" I see it a lot, particularly with men of means. Women do it too, leading to the "modern" concept of the "Starter Wife/Husband"

[ReineD]

I agree Eryn, but I think the reasons for this are multiplex and are deeper than dumping spouses just because they no longer conform an image. That's an over simplification.

Judy, congratulations on your son's wedding! If you can live with limited dressing, and you think it will be simpler for your marriage overall to remain in the closet, then go for it. But, if it ever blows up again like last week and you reconsider the need to begin a dialogue with your wife, then please come back and read this thread again.

Good luck!

[Eryn]

I agree Eryn, but I think the reasons for this are multiplex and are deeper than dumping spouses just because they no longer conform an image. That's an over simplification.

There are some cases where there is a lot more happening in the marriage than CDing. Substance abuse, infidelity, dishonesty, there are plenty of ways for both parties to screw up and CDing is just the juicy scapegoat.

OTOH, there have been cases where a wife in a supposedly good relationship showed her husband the door because she "can't live with a crossdresser." I find it astounding that a relationship can be that shallow, but apparently some can.

[ReineD]

Yes, there needs to be a lot more education in this country about gender and sexual variance and less politically fuelled media nonsense, plus more tolerance in religions that fan the flames of LGBT ignorance.

But combatting all of this is a pretty tall order.

[ClosetED]

Judy, with great news like that about your son, it is unlikely that your wife would want turmoil either. Maybe this is a chance for good communication and lay down a framework of what is a fair compromise as to Judy-time.
Hugs, Ellen

[Tina_gm]

I think too many here are living in a bit of a bubble thinking how can a wife be so callous or whatever. There is still sooooo much higher of this thought about how transgender is a really bad thing. Not everywhere, but definitely in my area. Just yesterday at a weekend 4th/graduation gathering. The topic came up. One of the graduate friends is studying sexuality and identity. And she was more or less right on the money with us. Finds it fascinating. Well, the reaction from more than one woman was eeeeww yuck.... and shaking their heads in disapproval. Younger too. Early 30s.

It's still out there in strong numbers of non acceptance. What Judy's wife is saying and reacting to is still very very common.

Judy, I'm sorry for your wife's non acceptance. It's not just her, she's in a lot of company. I am not going to join others here about how she is so bad, or don't purge, time to lay the cards down. Etc etc. I would just say take stock of your entire life. Maybe what you have done for all this time might just be the path you might want to continue. I am not saying it should, but for us who are middle age, this is so often are reality. The acceptance and all that we see is often not our train to catch. Today it is different for the millennials
And for those who braved the icy cold waters of yesterday and set their own precedent. Or the lucky few who have the accepting not so youthful partner.

Be good to yourself 1st. Try not to be hard on yourself, your wife, or anyone. Take stock of all of your life. Make what ever decisions based on everything.

[AngelaKelly<3]

I agree with what a few others have said here already, there's likely a huge number of guys who hear their partners say they would never have married them if X, Y or Z.

I don't think you should purge. Don't be ashamed of who you are and don't betray that for someone who isn't totally supportive right now. People still have trouble understanding everything that falls under the trans-umbrella, it's something that just needs time.

[Teresa]

Judy,
I hope the dust is settling a little, your wife has a wedding to look forward to, congratulations I hope it all goes smoothly.

I guess just keep a low profile with your dressing, you still have time to go out and enjoy it some point in the future , I'm the last person to think I would ever step out the door and all in the matter of six months.
Your wife sounds very much like mine, so she will eventually give you enough slack to satisfy Judy's needs. Maybe you don't need as many clothes, I just look forward to my next meeting and if I want to wear something different I will just buy for that, I have a limited budget which is no bad thing, I can't go OTT with outfits which I may never wear.

I'm looking forward to seeing Judy's face appear again , you look too good to hide for long .

[Eryn]

...plus more tolerance in religions....

And there is the head of the nail. I I've not heard of a TG marriage breakup that did not have a religious component.

The last three public celebrations of the murders in Orlando came from religious leaders, and all of them were of one prominent American denomination. Religions are the only significant opposers of LGBT human rights.

At this point, I'm up against the limits of the forum rules so I'll leave it at that.

[ReineD]

Well no matter the cause of the intolerance, it shows there are powerful social forces at play and it is not just because a wife is being callous or unyielding. I think we can all recognize that many of us have deep-seated beliefs about what is right or wrong (no matter what these things might be) based on everything we've ever been exposed to, and changing this is sometimes difficult and time-consuming.

This is why I maintain that if a wife can acknowledge her husband's need to crossdress she needs to be appreciated, and the extent to which she can accept needs to be respected. Hopefully though, a reason the wife and husband married in the first place is in part because they share similar values, and so with many couples, it shouldn't be too much of a stretch to find a tolerable compromise.

[EffyJaspers]

Judy, i laugh to myself on my part.... i just imagined elementary or high school aged children instead of adults. Yeah, so, some time after the wedding you could come out to your son and other kids.

He may be accepting with open arms, but if he or SOMEONE else decides (this could also be a relative that is pressuring/nagging/demanding him or the fiance to say no) you are not welcome to the wedding because of this it would be a bomb in your wife's face and your face, and that would create a possible nuclear strained situation in her mind. "MY CDing Husband just got us kicked from attending my baby's wedding!" The risk is not worth the reward in that consideration.

The risk would also be a selfish act on your part because you came out at an important event to kind of... uh, lay some baggage at your son's feet and making him decide to.... decide. He could not accept it, and since you are tied to it he could not accept you. He could accept it, and pick it up. The size of the baggage you gave him depends on his views of CDing and the world. The baggage could be a silver dollar he can carry with him easily for life, a neat memento to another personality/side of dad. Or the baggage could be be a clunky shaped 25 pound weight. "Why did you have to tell me this now, dad, when you know I've got stress up the wazoo planning this wedding! Why now? Are you telling me because you want to dress in drag for the wedding?!... i mean, dress... in women's clothing.. ... .. why now.... did something happen.. is that why mom was upset???? She didn't know?, you didn't tell her.?..what the F!" and a million more questions and stress [possibly].

Just.... try to help the wife cope and bring better understanding, hopefully get rid of her xenophobia. Hopefully bring tolerance (hunny, i [breathes deeply 10, 15, 20 seconds] accept? that you wear feminine clothing), then hopefully acceptance (hunny that dress looks nice on you), then hopefully joy (hunny, I think we call if a early night and you go show me your new naughty nightie).

And I loved gendermutt's comment on the graduate fascinated by our culture! The ability to explore a social subject without negative bias is wonderful. Like when I learned what pup play is and furries (ppl who dress up in animal costumes) through two awesome articles. These subcultures brought more meaning to peoples' lives and relieved stress or even saved a life. Accepting things you like, having a crowd to join for the things you like brings good feelings in. Happy for places like crossdressers.com or fetlife, etc etc.