"Just Don't Become Transgender, Daddy."

[ChristinaK]

So, my 11 year old daughter and I were loading groceries in 111 degree heat. She started a conversation about how much more difficult it is to be a woman in such heat. We debated the subject, then she stated how much more uncomfortable it is for a female as she has cotton underwear. I talked about how hot it is in a bra, etc. long hair, etc. then I avoided the subject on the underwear as I always wear nylon panties. Out of nowhere, she says, "just don't be a transgender, Daddy."

I was blown away. I don't know how much she has put together, but I feel like I'm busted. She has indicated in the past that transgenders are "gross" and that it is unnatural. Did I miss an opportunity to approach the subject? Was I supposed to tell her that her Daddy is more feminine than her mother? I just snickered and avoided conversation.

As time goes on, she will become more in tune with what is going on. "how come Daddy never has underwear to fold when we do laundry? How come Daddy wears ladies pajamas?"

I want her to love her Daddy no matter what, but she is molded by her Mother and what her mores are based on her Southern ideals. How do I deal with this?

We have gotten our fingernails done together. We shop for female clothes together. We watch old movies and I comment on the magnificent gowns of yesteryear, as does she.

What am I supposed to do?

[Mykaa]

good question, my daughter told me, boys shouldnt be that way, it just isnt right. its like hearing her mother talk, yes Mom told her. The only thing I know to do is counseling. Thats about my only option, I dont know your situation to speak of.

[Ineke Vashon]

In this forum I often see the talk hang around clothes rather than feelings and emotions. Perhaps it should be the other way around. With your daughter my idea would be to ask her in a casual easy conversation what she knows about transgenders. Why does she think they are gross? Does she know someone who is trans? I'd let her lead the conversation and I would not push it. Until she finds that transgenders et al are normal people and can be good friends. Eventually you might explain that most of us have both male and female characteristics, some side stronger perhaps than the other. Perhaps show her the yin yang symbol and ask her if she knows what it represents.

Yes, you missed an opportunity and snickering is not the way to go. However, your daughter caught you totally by surprise and I might have reacted the same way. Again, let her lead under your gentle guidance. Eventually she might just accept you the way you are.

Just my thought,

Ineke

[OCCarly]

I would have said, "You don't become transgender. You are born that way. But some people hide that part of themselves deep inside for their whole lives, because of negative treatment and abuse from other people. Do you think it's right that someone should have to hide a huge part of themselves because others want to mistreat them?"

[Rachelakld]

I would also ask her why transgenders are gross
Has she had a bad experience with one, or does she just know it because "mum said" so?

I saw 3 transgendered people on Sunday & Monday, 1 was a classy girl, 1 looked like a working girl and 1 was actually "working" the street corner.
Unfortunately my ex, thinks of transgendered as "working gays" and tries to push that image to my youngest to make her point.
All my daughters know this definition is incorrect, both from our discussions and by my example.

[Eryn]

I have two daughters who have accepted me fully. Don't make anything of a single statement from such a young child. She does not yet fully understand what transgender means.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Easy to say on hindsight I know, but you lost an opportunity there to educate her. I don't mean you should have launched into a critique on the relative merits of nylon versus cotton underwear (though you might have pointed out that cotton is in fact more absorbent and comfortable than sweaty nylon); I mean to try to undo some of your wife's bigotry.

Seriously- why should your wife have the last word, she's your daughter too? Perhaps something along the lines of, 'Stop being so judgemental- have you met any transgenders? Do you even know anybody who knows a transgendered person?'

I'd then get well away from the subject and transfer your point to whatever other minority your wife has indoctrinated her about - I feel sure there are others...

I hate people who lay prejudices on little children, handing on the baton of self-righteousness from generation to generation.

[ReineD]

I don't know how much she has put together, but I feel like I'm busted. She has indicated in the past that transgenders are "gross" and that it is unnatural. Did I miss an opportunity to approach the subject? Was I supposed to tell her that her Daddy is more feminine than her mother? I just snickered and avoided conversation.

...

I want her to love her Daddy no matter what, but she is molded by her Mother and what her mores are based on her Southern ideals. How do I deal with this?

Although we as parents do play an important role in shaping our children's values, we mustn't take all the credit. Your daughter's values are not only moulded by her mother. They are also shaped by you, and of increasing importance as kids succumb to peer pressure, by what she experiences outside of her family life. For example, does she ever see boys at school who are teased for being "sissy". Did she ever hear anyone making fun of Kaytlin Jenner. Is her body beginning to change, is she beginning to work out her own sexuality/femininity, and noticing the general differences between the girls and the boys that she knows. A lot of kids at eleven years old are beginning puberty. Is she also starting to become aware of feelings towards boys (I did at age 11 or 12, sometimes I felt tingly all over even though I could not explain why), and if so, how do those boys behave and what do they look like, and does this inform her of what boys should be.

As to your assessment that you are more feminine than her mother, your daughter may not share those views. Femininity has a lot more to do than how we present. Femininity is inherently present in females, no matter what they wear or their body shape and if your daughter picks up on the fact that you have superficial views of what constitutes fundamental femininity, this may affect how she thinks about your alternate gender expression.

In recent years, the message to young girls in popular culture is increasingly, "You are fine just the way you are. Don't hate yourself just because you don't conform to the media's unrealistic view of the ideal female body. You are capable. You can achieve anything you like on your own, you don't need a man's approval to develop yourself" ... and not, "Dress pretty for your husband. Make sure the house always looks nice. Go to college and learn the art of being an interesting companion, well versed in history, languages, and matters of cultural interest", the way it might have been a few generations ago.

Still, I do hope that your daughter becomes OK with the fact that her father expresses a gender outside the norms for most men, and hopefully as she ages she will better understand that not everyone conforms to the binary norms and it is OK if gender is not so black and white. But, this may require a bit more maturity than your daughter is naturally capable of right now (she is not yet in college), and so you might consider learning how to explain the non-binary variance that exists in our human structure so that you can present things objectively to your daughter. Here's a resource, and I'm sure there are more:

http://www.gendercentre.org.au/resou...n-children.htm

[Amy Fakley]

Well ... she's 11 ... that's young enough to still give a hoot what dad thinks. It won't last much longer, so make the most of it while it lasts :-)

Honestly, I'm not strict about pretty much anything in my family except that kinda stuff. I always have and always will shut down that kind of "these <insert some kind of people> are gross" talk immediately. Not in a harsh sort of way, mind you ... I do it as kindly as possible, but I always try to educate and help them to see things from the other's point of view.

For instance ... as many others have said ... when she said "just don't become transgender", it was a perfect opportunity to say something like "you can't become transgender, you have to be born that way" ... and then see where the conversation goes.

As far as being busted ... guess it depends on your daughter's personality. If either of mine ever suspected they were in posession of a secret that they were not supposed to be in on ... I can tell you for sure that they would be so giddy and curious that they couldn't resist point blank asking about it for more than a half hour or so, lol.

[ChristinaK]

When she made her comment, I was completely taken by surprise. I didn't know what to do and didn't want to out myself by addressing the subject. It seems to me that she made the comment because she has seen things that make her wonder, such as my pink, fuzzy sweater (male, but looks female), feminine hair style, women's nylon PJ's (collared, so they could be men's, but the wrong color), painted nails, etc.

Reine, thanks for the link. I don't think I'm ready to have the discussion with her and her mother would be furious. For now, I'm just going to let it ride.

[sometimes_miss]

it was a perfect opportunity to say something like "you can't become transgender, you have to be born that way".

That would be just spreading more disinformation. Perhaps a better way to put it might be, 'no one chooses to become transgender. It's like the length of your fingers; You get to don't pick it'. That allows for both potential genetic predisposition for it, as well as outside influences upon the individual determining the end result which you are discussing.
I understand the desire that so many people have to be able to blame their sexuality, and/or gender, or sexual preference on some cause that they can use to distance it from themselves. But further confusing the issue can only cause more problems in the future when you child comes across someone who WASN'T 'born that way'.

There are other topics which we can use to help explain the normal variations in people. For example, you could explain how what is considered appropriate attire for each gender has changed through the years, such as showing her early 20th century pics of women wearing only dresses, and how they pushed for change and now wearing pants is common. Then add in that while women were able to change what was considered appropriate attire for them, no such change was ongoing for men because so many people were uncomfortable with letting men change how we lived our lives. Then you can get into the whole equal rights and equal opportunity discussion, including social roles. 11 isn't too young to start on this; she's going to be discussing all these things with her friends, so you might get a head start on it.

[ReineD]

Reine, thanks for the link. I don't think I'm ready to have the discussion with her and her mother would be furious. For now, I'm just going to let it ride.

One thing about your wife. You and she have got to get on the same page soon, before you have a talk with your daughter. Your wife (or you) may not realize this, but kids are not supposed to be used in tugs of war (when one parent has one set of beliefs, and the other parent has another), because ultimately, it is the child who loses out. Kids do not want to hear different stories from each of their parents, it pulls them apart inside and it forces them to choose, which is the worst possible thing that any parent can put a child through.

So even though your wife may not agree with what you are doing and you may not agree with her opinion, the two of you at least need to come to terms (about what it means to you, about the direction you are going in and where you will ultimately end up), so you both can agree on what to tell your daughter. I think this is even mentioned in the link I posted (I didn't read the whole thing, just skimmed through it).

And again, even though you feel you are not ready for the talk, your daughter is. She brought it up and you cannot postpone this much longer, else she will fill in all the blanks herself, which may then take years to undo. She already is feeling at odds with the possibility of you being transgender (and you cannot blame this all on your wife ... your daughter lives in a society that also does not embrace the idea).

Good luck!

[Violetgray]

You've gotten your nails done together, shopped for women's clothing together, but you were surprised when she brought up being transgender? In two years she'll be a teen. I'm sure she's old enough to know that's not standard dad activity.