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Thread: mid life crisis & probably the end of my marriage

  1. #1
    Junior Member BayBeeBlue's Avatar
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    mid life crisis & probably the end of my marriage

    Hi all.
    I'm new to the forum but have been reading lots of these fine posts....very educational & eye opening reading.
    I'm at my wit's end basically.
    I'm married with 4 kids.
    My wife knows most of my history but not it all....i kind of went about doing things the wrong way.
    In hindsight the 1st mistake I made was not telling her before we got married all those years ago.
    The next few mistakes were getting caught over the years wearing some item of her clothing like tights.
    Recently, as things have been building up inside I shaved my full body - chest legs armpits & down below. She was used to me shaving down below but this was a step too far.
    We talked/argued.
    I was quizzed left, right & centre but couldn't bring myself to tell her I cross dress.....so the way it was left was that "I had a fetish for tights".....Argghhh!
    My wife is very understanding so much so that she bought me some tights & I bought some stuff. This was to make our sex life better ... she was making an effort to take on board my feelings (something im not good at).
    Rules were laid down....only at home...only together.. so I ended up breaking those rules by wearing 'my tights' around the house.... we're currently not speaking.
    I nearly got kicked out of the house....still very possible.
    She told me to explain to the kids why I would be leaving.
    I have been thinking selfishly of nothing but dressing up fully hair nails make up shoes etc ... I so want to tell her but haven't got the balls.
    She deserves the truth and doesn't deserve me.
    It's driving me to distraction so any help would be greatly appreciated.

  2. #2
    Silver Member Sarah Louise's Avatar
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    Hi BayBeeBlue,

    Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're having problems with your wife.

    It's difficult to know exactly what you should do, but based on what you've told us, I think you have to find a quiet time to sit down with your wife and be completely honest with her - about everything. From posts I've read on here, more often than not, the things wives and partners dislike more than anything (even the dressing) is being lied to. If you do tell her all, you can explain why it's been difficult to be completely honest. It's not an easy thing to open up about dressing and lay you heart on the line, but in your case you're half way there already.

    If your marriage is strong and you love eachother, then there's a strong chance that you'll come through this. You say she is understanding and bought you some tights. That doesn't sound like someone who can't compromise. But do bear in mind that while you'll get lots of opinions on this site about what to do, only you know your wife and are in the best position to know how she will react. Once you've told her everything, you can't undo it the next day.

    Whatever you do, good luck.

  3. #3
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    Yikes, your cat is halfway out of the bag and looks as if it is about to be strangled by the cord.

    I recommend reading into this thread...

    http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...CDing-husbands

    ...keeping in mind there is a fine line between assertiveness and being mindful of the mess you have made and its effect on her.

    Only you can decide if coming completely clean is the right choice. I wouldn't argue against it, that's for sure.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  4. #4
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
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    Welcome to the forum, girl. It sounds like you've really backed yourself into a corner.
    I'm not usually one to advise anyone to tell, as its such a hugely personal thing, and the consequences can be so dire. However, from what you say here, it sounds like the consequences are already dire.

    From my perspective, it sounds like the only way to start to untangle this mess, and to have any hope of keeping your family together, is to pull up your big girl panties and start being very, very honest.

    Line up a sleepover or something for the kids, make proper time for this. It's not going to be easy, and it may not go well, and it's definitely going to be a long process. But if you're going to get kicked out of the house ... If you're going to potentially lose your family, have it be for the actual reason, 'eh?

    For that matter, she's already trying to work things out and be accommodating about your non-existent fetish. If she's going to go through all of that, she deserves to know the real reason too ... It's like you're both going through a lot of what you'd have to go through if you had just told, anyhow. Why not let that potentially be constructive?

    Good luck, girl. I know you're in an awful place. I hope it goes well ... Sending good vibes your way!
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

  5. #5
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Be truthful. Tell her everything. If you still love her, tell her. If CDing is the most important thing in your life, tell her. If your family is more important than CDing, tell her. GG's (as does everyone I would assume) hate to be lied to and deceived. You have dug yourself into a hole and now it's time to dig out or be buried.

    If you want things to work with your family, let her know if you are willing to make compromises. If you want to live by yourself and do whatever you want, when you want, then let her know that too.

    You sound like you are a responsible adult. You have children. You obviously have built some type of family life. Maybe seeking some outside counseling would help you sort out your feelings. A good start with some open communication would be helpful.

    Most adults would rather be doing something else. I would love to quit my job and travel for a living (being independently wealthy without having to work would be one fantasy - winning lottery???), however, we all have responsibilities and can't act like carefree children.

    Hopefully things get sorted out with you and your wife before anymore drama happens.

  6. #6
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    Welcome.
    Well she seems to be understanding so that is a good thing.
    A quiet time personal face to face talk would be a good thing and YOU need to be honest and tell her everything.
    I know that sound like a daunting task but IMO it needs to be done so she knows you are pouring your heart out and being honest.
    Her feelings are very important and she needs to be assured that you still love her.

  7. #7
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    First of all welcome! Quite a first post...

    You have free will, as does your wife - and life is just a succession of choices for everyone... You've already made one of the big choices: you have growing responsibilities towards your children and family.... You now appear to have made other choices: not to follow the agreed rules with your wife... Argghhh indeed...

    My feeling: You need to really understand what this means to you - is it a fetish or more? The advice you get here will be coloured by folks' own experiences and motivations... If it's just a fetish (probably not likely) you need to assert that and perhaps just knuckle down to rules and places where it's 'safe'... If it's more than that - and that could be a whole spectrum of possibilities from being an occasional crossdresser with a quirky gender compass (like me) right through to being fully TS, like quite a few folk here, and anywhere in between - you need to properly understand what your motivation is for doing this and what will satisfy it. But that's one tough question...

    I would tentatively suggest some counselling, possibly with a generic therapist to begin, but perhaps also with someone who genuinely understands gender issues...

    But your first action has to be about at least maintaining the status quo in your relationship and your family while you explore that... and perhaps an apology would be due to your wife, while explaining that this is something that you need professional help with because it is probably one of the more complex personal and relationship issues to understand and deal with.

    Good luck with it - think of the kids and a bit of stability first before making any more radical decisions, would be my thoughts...

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

  8. #8
    Crossdresser-At-Large BillieAnneJean's Avatar
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    Yes tell her. SOON!!!!! When the kids are away for a sleep over.

    Tell her that you love her and how much you love her.
    Reassure her.
    Tell her what it is about her that you can't live without.
    Reassure her.
    Tell her how much you love your kids.
    Reassure her.
    Tell her what it is about them that you can't live without.
    Reassure her.
    Tell her that she comes first, the kids next, and you third, CDing fourth.
    Reassure her.
    Tell her that you are willing to listen to her.
    Reassure her.
    Tell her that you will compromise in any way that makes her happy.
    Reassure her.
    Tell her if you are gay, bi, trans, going to dress like or in women's clothes 24/7. any of these may be a deal breaker.
    Be honest.
    Tell her if you want a typical husband wife relationship.
    Be honest.
    Tell her about you and CDing.
    Be honest.

    Good luck.

    No there is nothing wrong with being trans, 24/7, gay, bi, whatever. But for her to get slapped in the face with what to her may seem like the end of her world, maybe you need to compromise And Stick To Your Agreement.

  9. #9
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Billieannjean has good points.

    Not giving her a choice is the matter is cruel. She needs all of the information to make a choice. You need to tell her also what your choice is.

    Gut reactions are almost never accurate. Make sure to lay out the facts.

  10. #10
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    BBB,
    I know there's no indication of age or how long you've been married, also I assume your kids are still school age.

    I feel before you go buying anything else you must find where you are with your CDing, it sounds like you are confused by it and it's impossible to even start to explain things to your wife while it's like that.

    I guess you've got to stop taking the chances of being caught , that's not the way of sensibly coming out to your wife. OK if it happens the one occasion it's an accident but after that it's going to be read wrong.

    If you haven't got as far as full dressing yet and your wife is freaking out over wearing tights you have got a tricky time ahead. Don't do the selfish route , find out the truth about yourself , come to terms with it , accept it then you can start to move on. It will take time, your wife has four kids to deal with think hard before you start doing selfish things, it could end everything .

    Your wife deserves the truth when you know it, not before , try not to fall into the trap of not being deserving you are still a husband and father, that's your main role , your wife can't live without that support .

  11. #11
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    Very sage advice, BAJ. Re: telling her SOON ... plan a weekend getaway w/o the kids, and NO dressing. Then have the reveal using your advices. Treat her as you did on your honeymoon.
    Last edited by Lorileah; 07-02-2016 at 03:32 PM. Reason: no need to quote whole post to just agree

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member LelaK's Avatar
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    I'd just say I have a fetish to look feminine in private. Fetish means strong desire.
    T-shirt says: "Hi, I Crossdress!"

  13. #13
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    Like most will say here, honesty is the best policy. If you fear you have too much to lose then you might want to be in therapy, counseling, self or with wife for backup. I don't envy you going through this, as gender expression is a part of our lives, so are our wives and equally so. Everyone seems to have a different M.O. to this and that is where therapy to cater to your strengths and weaknesses is very important. If you have been together and have kids, eventually things should mold together and work out o.k., as long as each can learn to have their space.

  14. #14
    Jamie jamie-upstate's Avatar
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    This site is from the SO viewpoint it might help
    http://www.avitale.com/sotherlist.html

  15. #15
    Junior Member BayBeeBlue's Avatar
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    Wow!
    I'm glad I posted.
    Although, I was VERY nervous, it was slightly therapeutic just typing it (getting it off my chest).
    I appreciate ALL the advice from everyone. Thanks for the relevant links too...very helpful.
    It is good to talk to someone... anyone.
    I know this from past experience... suicidal attempt thwarted by simply talking to a complete stranger.
    I can see myself hanging out here a lot. I feel like I've made new friends (something I don't really have).
    I've got plenty to do now to try & sort this out from the point of view of a husband, friend, father... and cross dresser.
    Although, I'm 40+, I'm not the most mature person so I also need to grow up a little too .... breezing through life with a lot of indifference to a lot of things and not being honest to myself or others has me where I am today.
    I know I'm not a good person but hopefully, hopefully things can only get better. But generally things get worse before they get better.
    Im still confused but not as much thanks to you guys & girls....I wish I had your courage.
    🇮🇪✌❤💅💋👗👠👜👙💄🇮🇪

  16. #16
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    BBB,
    Don't look at it as not having courage but more to get your life back on track,CDing is not the end of the World, you have a need like the rest of us here it's just finding a balance with that and your wife and family.

    Please don't be afraid to seek help if you can't do it alone , my wife refused to be involved so I had no choice . I hope you remember the stranger , I came close to ending my life twenty years ago , I refuse to go down that road again so I had to attend counselling to find myself. I'm so glad I did , because I would have missed out on three lovely grandchildren. Try and find enough strength to help yourself , your family will come round and accept you , I didn't expect mine to but they are all OK with my cding now, my wife chooses not to see me but accepts my need to meet others socially , I've assured her that it's not to hook up with other guys, she knows I'm bi-gender and only interested in women.

  17. #17
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sarah7391 View Post
    the things wives and partners dislike more than anything (even the dressing) is being lied to.
    You know, we keep hearing that, and seeing it written here. And yet, marriages survive all kinds of lying. We apologise, bring home some flowers, maybe tickets to a show she's been really wanting to see, grovel a bit, and take extra special care for a while to be extra nice. Eventually things return to normal.

    What they have more trouble surviving, is crossdressing. I really believe that it screws up the sexual attraction that women have for us, and once that's gone, the marriage is pretty much over, because it changes the dynamics of the relationship forever. Some manage to keep things going, but I think in most cases, the relationship is simply never going to be the same. It just seems like something that most women cannot get their head around. With rare exception, they don't seem to be able to find a way to be happy about us doing it, no matter how much we feel the need to do it, or how miserable we feel when we can't.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  18. #18
    Aspiring Member OCCarly's Avatar
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    You may want to consider seeing a therapist. There are two possible outcomes: 1) You are a heterosexual crossdresser, and the therapist explains this to your wife, as well as your need for an occasional "vacation" from the manly stuff. Your wife understands and your marriage improves. Just a guess, but based on what you said, you probably end up with a DADT relationship. Or, 2) You are transgender, and this is not necessarily the end of your marriage or your world. I had to start hormone therapy for the psychological benefits -- I had been suffering from anxiety my whole life, anger issues since puberty, and panic attacks for the last ten years, and hormones pretty much fixed all of that. Being on hormones also enabled me to put the men's clothing back on without going to pieces, and "butch up" when my wife needs me to be a man, and when I have to go to work. It is not an optimal situation, but it is far better than the place I was before.
    Carries a spray bottle of "pink fog" around with her in her purse at all times.

  19. #19
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    Welcome to the forum Baybeeblue, communication is the most important word in the human language. So tell her the truth and that you love her, but have this issue. Remember that she loves you and she deserves to get the truth. And indeed if you and her agree on rules, don't break them. So tell her and work it out. Read the sticky notes on telling her and follow them.
    Part Time Girl

  20. #20
    Silver Member Sarah Louise's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sometimes_miss View Post
    What they have more trouble surviving, is crossdressing. I really believe that it screws up the sexual attraction that women have for us, and once that's gone, the marriage is pretty much over, because it changes the dynamics of the relationship forever. Some manage to keep things going, but I think in most cases, the relationship is simply never going to be the same. It just seems like something that most women cannot get their head around. With rare exception, they don't seem to be able to find a way to be happy about us doing it, no matter how much we feel the need to do it, or how miserable we feel when we can't.
    Well that's not the case with me. I don't believe my marriage is "pretty much over" or a "rare exception". Genuine question, where do you get this belief from, other than your own experience and why do you believe your experience is more common than mine and many others? Of course, it could be that the vast majority of those where it goes badly don't post or give up posting on sites such as this one. No one really knows, but I'm not convinced that those who have a bad experience go and hide in a hole somewhere.

  21. #21
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Hi BBB and welcome.

    You've found relief in writing down your fears and telling us about your situation, so keep doing it- it's the least costly form of therapy, and it's a good way of helping to see the reality of your life- we're too good at kidding ourselves and you're not alone in finding it hard to express your feelings. Many of us are raised to keep up appearances at all costs and not to own up to feelings, even to ourselves.

    Nor are you alone in having a desire to express your feminine side. It isn't illegal, and I promise you that it has always happened, in every society, and it always will.

    Since our primary function is to reproduce, to perpetuate our species, females are wired to look for the nearest thing to an alpha male that they can find. In theory this maximises their chances of security, both for themselves and for their children. The paradox is that a guy who is in touch with his feminine side is likely to be an even better father and husband, as he is good for more than just throwing spears and seizing the driest cave. He can empathise with her better, and is likely to be kinder, gentler and more sensitive to the needs and feelings of those around him. He may also turn out to be rather better at interior decoration than wrestling, or good at both.

    The problem is that many women have bought into seeing men in the role of macho provider, Tarzan to their Jane, and even if these days many women wear trousers and have jobs, they still think of males in traditional terms: grey, reliable, dutiful providers.

    So no surprises when the sight of us in pink bows and frilly panties shocks the life out of them. Suddenly 'we're not the man they married' and 'they didn't sign up for this' and 'what would the neighbours say'.

    The irony is that we are the man they married, they did sign up for this (for better, for worse...remember?) and who gives a flying frisbee what the neighbours think anyway?

    All of which does nothing to alter the predicament you find yourself in, though your wife is by no means at the most extreme end of the disapproval spectrum.

    But she does feel that she has been deceived, that her alpha male isn't as alpha as she was led to believe, and this is where you need to focus in getting things back on track. Others here have advised you to seek counselling, especially as dealing with feelings isn't easy for you, and I agree that you would probably find it very helpful- though much depends on finding the right counsellor or therapist for you.

    Again as others have advised, try to buy time while you sort things out in your head. Ask your wife to bear with you, not to act hastily, reassure her that she is the most important thing in your life and that you wish for nothing more than to keep her/your lives stable and secure. While agreeing that truth and honesty are vital to a healthy relationship, blurting out your desire to dress like a woman is going to land like a bombshell and you need to have your ducks in a row before having that conversation.

    Meantime find outlets for your boiling feelings, here, with a counsellor, by physical activity, any way you can. Be the best you can in terms of fathering and husbanding, and lighten up on yourself- you're a kind, thoughtful person who's simply a little out of his depth, and you want to do the best thing for everybody.

    You're ok.
    I used to have a short attention spa

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member LelaK's Avatar
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    I no longer trust seeing therapists, because I heard that 60% or more of people who see them end up getting divorced anyway.
    T-shirt says: "Hi, I Crossdress!"

  23. #23
    Junior Member BayBeeBlue's Avatar
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    Thanks again to all for really great advice and insights.
    My wife came to me to make peace as she couldn't stand the silence...we chatted....and kissed & made up.
    As I mentioned in 1st post she thinks it's a tights fetish that I have...so I haven't changed that yet....there will be a right time for that soon hopefully.
    Meanwhile I did tell her that all i could think of when we weren't speaking was to put stuff on...she appreciated my honesty.
    So in my opinion - a little progress.
    In relation to counseling - where I live I don't think they are professional enough to deal with certain issues and also there is my paranoia of my files being passed to the wrong person or being lost or something....and it's a small country....sometimes a little backward.
    Last night she said she would let me wear stockings....not tights...only because as she said "..it's too hard for me to get at your junk with tights on..."
    That would've been grand - only I fell asleep on the couch after some beer.....oops! ... there's always tonight.
    She also reiterated the "rules" issue and that she needs me to tell her something nice about her everyday and to make more of an effort overall.....I'm gonna stop typing for a while....be back later. Xxx

  24. #24
    Silver Member giuseppina's Avatar
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    BayBeeBlue, breaking confidentiality is considered professional misconduct and therefore a reportable offense (to the relevant regulatory agency) for regulated health professionals. People can have their license to practise revoked for that sort of thing in North America and probably elsewhere. The only exceptions involve threats of harm to oneself or others.

    I don't really expect an answer to this question, but have you been diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder by a psychiatrist? The way it was explained to me by mine is, "once fact enters the equation, paranoia is forthwith disqualified as a diagnosis." It can also be fact based distrust based on past traumatic event(s). I'm sure there are other causes of distrust. It might be a good idea to investigate what may be behind your feelings. It seems to me they are causing you some distress, and that can't help but cause issues with your wife.

    Lela, people who are happy in their relationships generally don't need a counsellors help for very much. The only thing a counsellor does is give their professional opinion of the issues facing the couple and the feasibility of them being resolved or mitigated.

  25. #25
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    BBB- the more I hear of your wife the more my respect for her is increasing.

    I think that if you handle this very, very carefully, and above all don't rush her, she has what it takes to absorb your 'quirks' into her life without losing her (obviously considerable) love for you.

    LelaK's statistic may be true, but who's to say that without the counselling the stat wouldn't be 76%?

    Marriage counselling is one thing. I'm recommending counselling/therapy as a way for you to learn more about yourself and learn how to acknowledge and deal with your feelings- personal growth as a tool kit, in hope that thus equipped you'll be better able to service your wife.

    Sorry, couldn't resist that, but you know what I mean.
    I used to have a short attention spa

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