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Thread: mid life crisis & probably the end of my marriage

  1. #26
    Junior Member BayBeeBlue's Avatar
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    Thanks Nikkilovesdresses.
    I don't know whether it's something in the air or because I'm actually seeking help from and talking to you lovely ladies/people but things - as little as they may be - are moving mentally & physically for myself & my wife in the right direction....or at least in a more positive direction.
    I was never able to talk or express much about my feelings regarding anything but of late I find myself in a better place with my wife.
    Last night and again this morning my wife offered me to put stockings on......I declined gracefully. She wasn't upset - nor was I but we did discuss a lot throughout.... which was kind of weird for me but therapeutic and relieving for both of us. I still feel bad about not being able to tell her my real desires for dressing up but I'm playing all that by ear and taking my time with it.
    As suggested by someone earlier in this thread that I need to find out where I am in relation to CDing before I can explain or express it to my wife.
    RE: my paranoia - I've always had a sense of paranoia about me, I've suffered from depression on and off, I've attempted suicide, I've lost a sibling to suicide, I've suffered being badly treated at work, I've done drugs (all sorts) throughout my life and I'm sure I've left some stuff out but yeah the paranoia thing.....I was once told by a so-called psychiatrist that "if you think they are talking about you - they probably are".....great help!
    So as you can all probably guess from reading I'm just a tiny bit messed up at the best of times.
    Sorry for ranting.
    Don't really know where I'm going with all this.
    I think typing is my new therapy.
    I have my eye on a French maids outfit that we joked about buying before for her (but really for me too) but I can't help wanting to get it and get it on me to have a day to myself - wife & children free - to see for the first time what I would look like and how I would feel all transformed.
    I have started to look at make up online and size 10 (not-so) high heels.
    Yes, it's official - I'm nuts. Haha
    👗

  2. #27
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Your SO is probably puzzled at your refusal (so far) to take her up on the stockings offer.

    Can you pinpoint exactly why you haven't?

    Is it because you know it's just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what you'd really like, or is it something else? Simple shyness even?

    When I was 20 I had a sexually adventurous girlfriend. For her 21st her sister gave her black pure silk stockings and a matching garter belt. They were a huge turn-on for us both. The next morning I got up before her and put them on, then got back into bed. I knew I was taking a chance, but to my relief she got really turned on...it all ended happily ever after.

    It may be that your SO is actually excited by the idea- she may actually be more kinky than she's let on... or indeed than she had previously realised.

    Don't overthink it- you've got a pass, use it.

    Paranoia is a strong word, an extreme word. Try thinking in less dramatic terms. By choosing to imagine the worst possible outcome in any situation, ok, you're prepared for disaster, but you're also reinforcing your own fears, burdening yourself, and possibly even creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Your wife is offering you a no-strings attached (well maybe a g-string attached) opportunity to live a little, to boldly go where you ain't never been before. She is acting from the opposite end of the spectrum to paranoia- from confidence and trust. She deserves your best, and operating from a place of paranoia is definitely not you being you at your best.
    I used to have a short attention spa

  3. #28
    Junior Member BayBeeBlue's Avatar
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    Hi Nikkilovesdresses.... thanks again for you insightful words.
    My SO told me she thinks I look sexy in the stockings....I'm getting into bed after work and hope for the best.
    I don't know why I haven't yet....I think you hit the nail on the head with your guesses. A little bit of everything.
    She said she doesn't want to feel threatened by it all ...so I just have to take everything on board from her point of view and balance it my own feelings and go from there ... one leg at a time.
    I've got nobody to thank but you girls ... I feel so at home here it's mad. I feel like myself here....and it's becoming part of my relationship....hugs + kisses to all here.
    ❤👗 That's for you Nikkilovesdresses

  4. #29
    Aspiring Member ChristinaK's Avatar
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    I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't recommend that you tell your wife until you get help from a counselor and take enough time to feel your wife out on the issue. Maybe discuss what's going on with the bathroom issue and find out how she feels about CDers.

    Once you tell her, there's no turning back. You need to have more Intel before you plan your battle.

    I once read an.article by a Psychologist about cheating. He said not to say anything as it does so much damage. What would you gain by telling? To get it off your chest at the expense of the other. If asked, that's different. Don't lie.

    To completely open up is huge. Be ready. You may not like the result.

    Feel her out and get that intel. Meanwhile, don't do anything that's going to get you caught.

  5. #30
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BayBeeBlue View Post
    She deserves the truth and doesn't deserve me.
    I'm typing this only after having read your first post. I'm a genetic female. My SO identifies as transgender. He dresses only occasionally (his choice .. once every month or two), with my full support.

    The first part of your sentence is true. The second part isn't. Of course she deserves you, you're the father of her four children!!! And you've no doubt been a loving husband all these years. You must have been, else she wouldn't have tried so hard to accommodate your desires when she thought it was a pantyhose fetish.


    As to what to do? Let me try to reverse the situation. Please run with me here.

    Suppose your wife had a secret that she was either ashamed to tell you, or she thought that telling you would cause you to leave. Let's invent a secret and make it pretty serious. Suppose she had had a child out of wedlock and had given it up for adoption, but now the child had found her and she wanted to start a relationship with the child. Or if that's not bad enough, suppose she had gotten pregnant all those years ago because for a short while in college, she had been a call girl (I actually knew a girl who put herself through college that way. She made a fortune). And suppose your wife kept seeing the child behind your back, or you'd notice that money was disappearing from your account, but your wife kept coming up with excuses as to where she was and where the money was going.

    How would you feel if she continued to hide the truth from you. What sorts of things would run through your mind? How would you feel if she had made the decision for you that you wouldn't be able to take the truth. Wouldn't you be upset that she didn't trust you enough to tell you? Because in your own heart, you know that you love your wife enough and you know you'd want to work through whatever was bothering her. You might not be happy about the fact she had been a call-girl and now there is this child to take into account, but this would not make you run for the hills?

    Your wife, (I believe) is sensing that you are not telling her the whole story and this is likely what is infuriating (and scaring her) the most. Or maybe she thinks that you are more interested in a fetish than you are interested in her. This would greatly upset any wife! So please sit her down and tell her everything. Try to reach into yourself and bare your soul ... your fears, your shame, the whole thing.

    Jenniferathome has a pretty good letter she wrote to her wife when she told her. You should have a look:

    http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...t=#post2428087

    That said, it will be more difficult now because your wife has already started making up her own stories about what's going on. So you will need to let her know repeatedly that you love her, that you don't want to live without her, that you want to continue being her husband and a father to your children, that you are a great deal more into her than any pantyhose or bra, but you just feel this urgent need to dress and that when most CDers suppress those feelings (because they feel if they are open about them their wives will leave), things come out sideways. Try to find some resources online to show her, but pick your resources carefully. Most websites are about transgenders who identify as women and want to transition.
    Last edited by ReineD; 07-07-2016 at 12:23 AM.
    Reine

  6. #31
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Glad you've found support and some help here BBB - or may I call you BB?

    If she finds the thought of you in stockings sexy, 1000 cheers. Try it a few times, let the dust settle, then ask her on hindsight how did it feel? - though she might have made that clear without any urging. Basically, if she looks like she's having a good time, you're ok. I guess then you can say something like, 'Ok, that seemed to work for both of us- what do you think about taking the dressing up a little further- would that be too weird?'

    Hopefully she says, 'What did you have in mind?' Though what you say next is tricky.

    You know, of course, that the safest thing to do is enjoy the stocking-sex, and keep the further desires to yourself...but since when did any of us opt for an easy life?
    I used to have a short attention spa

  7. #32
    New Member mickynylons's Avatar
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    BayBeeBlue, I can appreciate the position you are in. The best advice I could give is to have a sit down and be honest with her. If you want to keep some facet of crossdressing, let her know of you fondness for wearing hosiery and nothing more. It sounds as if you'll need to concede on other desires to maintain the marriage. When I came clean about my love for doing some "minimal" cross dressing, I eventually was questioned to why I had to wear nylons so often. My response was that I like too. Sort of just like girls enjoy wearing flannel shirts I guess. All I have to do is buy my own and not wear hers and everything is fine. Trust me, I'd love to go full blown with the CD scene, but sometimes it's just best to enjoy the privilege of what you are "allowed" to wear and not push the limits.

    Now if your convictions are so strong that you find the need to go full blown into the cross dressing scene, then perhaps asking her to go to a counseling session with you may help her acceptance of it. I see one major obstacle though and that is your children; of which I can only say keep it in the closet until they leave home.

    Best thing that ever happened to my marriage was when I went, by my own accord, to a counselor about my desires. Both the Counselor and Psychiatrist at the practice both told me that it was perfectly acceptable and normal for me to wear pantyhose. I was so excited about that news that I actually brought my wife to my next appointment where she had a brief one-on-one with the counselor. She came out feeling much better about my desires.

    And this quote by Nikkilovesdresses pretty much sums it up: "You know, of course, that the safest thing to do is enjoy the stocking-sex, and keep the further desires to yourself...but since when did any of us opt for an easy life?"
    Last edited by mickynylons; 07-07-2016 at 08:12 PM. Reason: added a quote

  8. #33
    Junior Member BayBeeBlue's Avatar
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    Thanks again to all.
    Thanks Reine for your valued (genetic female) opinion....much appreciated....hope MY wife isn't on here! 😀
    I'm gonna go with the flow taking EVERYTHING I've learned from you all on board.
    I'll be checking in daily (as usual of late) to stay in touch with my new girlfriend's.
    ✌❤👗

  9. #34
    I am me! TrishaTX's Avatar
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    I think Billy jean had great points....as most of the ladies said here start with honesty, be patient and if you love her try hard.

    O the below comment about Therapist, I am not sure they are there to keep you married, they are there to speak to , be honest and get feedback and to improve upon yourself. For a marriage to last, you and HER need to want to stay together, improve and make it last.
    No regrets except I should have got dressed & stepped out sooner.

  10. #35
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    BB, You started this thread with the title 'midlife crisis & probably the end of my marriage'.

    Is it safe to say that both statements were overstatements?

    How might you rephrase the thread title now?
    I used to have a short attention spa

  11. #36
    Junior Member BayBeeBlue's Avatar
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    Hi all.
    I don't know yet if I would change the title of this thread just yet......if I did it would probably have the word "Frustration" in it somewhere.
    Busy with work, DIY, gardening, parenting, etc, etc. Not finding ANY time to myself......which is the norm, unfortunately. My wife never really leaves the house and if she does its only for an hour or so and leaves at least one of the kids with me.
    So, if I wanted to dress - I can't.
    Although, one of my more sedentary kids was home ....I told him I was going in for a lie down....I somehow managed to get foundation on and lipstick. - THATS A FIRST EVER FOR ME!
    I put on "my tights/pantyhose" with my wife's sexy knickers and matching bra....I then found an amazing tightly hugging dress belong to my wife....I felt AMAZING .... for about 15minutes.....then it all had to come off again.
    We haven't spoke about it in a while now.
    We haven't been sleeping together much either between one thing and another.......kid in bed at night and sometimes when I work days I sleep on the couch/settee so......
    Arrrggghhhh! Frustration! 👗💅💄

  12. #37
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    Hi Baby Blue,

    First welcome to this site and my best wishes to you during this time.

    I believe that the starting point to sorting all of this out is YOU. I sense that you are not really sure of yourself and the importance of cross dressing in your life. Perhaps you could consider getting some professional counseling, first for yourself and then for you and your wife. I'm sure she is very worried right now as she is probably confused about what your are and what you want. In the meantime do a lot of reading here on this site where issues such as those you have raised are discussed at length in various threads

    Best wishes

  13. #38
    Member Alexa CD's Avatar
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    I honestly think you may just have to get a hold of yourself, control your urges, you're not a primitive being acting on impulse. You're going to break up with your wife and throw out your family for lipstick and tights! Seriously. You married that woman and had children with her, you made your bed, sleep in it.

  14. #39
    Junior Member BayBeeBlue's Avatar
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    Thanks Alexa.
    Very true.
    Cruel to be kind.
    Im just venting my frustration, I suppose.
    And I seem to be using this site as therapy at the moment. I don't have anyone to talk to or vent to.
    I hope nobody minds.
    I am trying to control my urges too.... I just think that it's getting harder to resist.
    Purge purge purge

  15. #40
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Bay Bee, I am like you, know one else to vent to or talk with about this, other than this forum.

  16. #41
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Just a suggestion: Don't wear your wife's clothes.

  17. #42
    Junior Member BayBeeBlue's Avatar
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    MAYBE I SHOULD CHANGE THE TITLE OF THIS POST.....but I don't want to jinx it.
    Since posting this initial post my life has changed forever & for the better.
    Thanks to all here for their support/advice/understanding....but mostly thanks to my wife who HAS accepted me as a CDer but doesn't want to label me as that.
    Currently I am allowed to wear tights and knickers around the house under my man clothes during the day. When we go to bed I will judge by her mood whether or not I will take them off.
    She told me the other morning that my ass looked very sexy in her knickers....wow!
    I also told her about my tucking - her only concern was that I should look up if any damage can be caused from doing it....wow!
    After a recent argument she roared at me that I could do what I had to do "... wear what you like... All my clothes are there...and you can put make up on too..."
    She notified me that she would go out the next morning and would out for a while and that she would text me in advance of her return......so I was very excited and prepped myself that night by washing and shaving.
    She went out....I went straight to her wardrobe and took out some outfits that I wanted to try.
    I sat on the edge of the bed in lingerie and started to do my nails(1st time ever) & toenails. Then I said to hell with it I'm going to attempt some make-up.
    I did....but as it was also my first time ever it left a lot to be desired.
    But one thing I did notice was that I felt unreal whilst doing it and having that time to myself.
    No sooner had I my make-up done and finally chose what to wear I received a text saying "on the way home now" a 20min car journey.... Arrrggghhhh!!!
    So anyway....could I find nail polish remover....No.
    She arrived home to find me in the garage trying to remove the Polish with white spirits & petrol...which by the way Does Not Work.
    She sighed at first and didn't seem too impressed but was willing to help me remove it.
    We have been a lot closer too lately but that can get marred by a simple mood change or circumstance.
    I'm hoping for more me time real soon.
    She also recommended that I should go to a CD friendly club or service to see how I would feel.....not sure if she was joking or not though so will play that one by ear for now.
    Counselling has veered of the road of CDing slightly and has gone on different tangents in my past i.e. parents, childhood, etc. I want to get it back to what I'm there for although I know that it is all linked in some shape.
    I may have looked.like a man in a dress but I have never felt more feminine in all my life.
    So to round things off I'm glad I posted this post and I'm glad somebody(like all of you) took time to listen & help.
    It really is appreciated.....I can't say that enough. 💅👗👜💋

  18. #43
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Glad things are going well for you.

    I understand that your wife said to try on her things but to avoid problems related your wife's clothing
    Just a suggestion:
    Don't wear your wife's clothes.

  19. #44
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    Dear Baby,

    There is a certain frantic tone to your posts and that makes me feel concerned. If you are going to a counsellor, stay with it, even if it seems to be going off on a tangent right now. Keep talking to your wife and try to dig down and understand what it is you want from her. it seems to me that you are just a cross dresser and that you feel fulfilled when you have the chance to dress and put on makeup. That is perfectly OK. Most of us here want the same thing but do slow down, take the counseling seriously, talk calmly with your wife abut what you are feeling and listen to her and understand her needs in this relationship. Also see if you can dial down some of the extraneous pressures in your life. From your description it sounds almost manic.
    Last edited by CONSUELO; 09-20-2016 at 07:20 PM. Reason: spelling

  20. #45
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    Hi BBB, Tour story has sure taken a turn for the better.

    Do your self a favor and just don't overwhelm her with this program......
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  21. #46
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    Tons of good advice above- I'll just add that the bottled up feeling is from being denied/denying ourselves something important and necessary. Even a little bit of release lets the steam out of the pressure cooker before it explodes- i.e. you do something stupid like create a crisis in your marriage. Your wife obviously loves you, and loving her means you have to work with her perspective just like she is trying to work wit yours. Our problem as CDs is that we had to wait 40 years or whatever for the critical point to be reached where we HAVE TO start growing up the right way and acting more in accordance with our inner feelings. It really helped me to first of all just tell the whole truth- this is what I want to do and I do understand it is weird. Then I acknowledged that I understand it turned my wife's world upside down. Then said I am trying to be methodical about getting to the bottom of it. I'm going to put on this dress now and try to understand what the heck is going on, and I would really like your help. That didn't appeal, but it gave her a place to observe - to take part in the experiment vicariously.

    Your wife probably has researched it enough to get that it is persistent, and complicated, and diverse, so there is hope- and the problem is more one of not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel yet. So the idea of going slow is so her eyes get used to the sights, the new thoughts, etc- recognizing that as your spouse she wants to try to help/be with you, etc. It is our job to remember that marriage is a partnership and the point is to help each other have your legitimate needs met. Crossdressing is a legitimate need- but we have to keep it legit- not let it dominate our lives, displace everything, etc. We have to take the long view- and meter our time in the pink fog. Just like we would man up and set aside our favorite pastime to get to work on time, or fight a house fire, we have to man up and manage our desire for crossdressing. My recipe is to give myself time for full frills, and realize it is personal. I enjoy it, but don't expect others to, since they mostly won't. But when I accept myself and came out fully to my wife, I find I can be more accommodating to others, since I m no longer a closet case getting more and more desperate.
    We are all beautiful...!

  22. #47
    Junior Member BayBeeBlue's Avatar
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    Thanks for the input folks.
    Just to clarify a few things....
    I am taking counselling seriously.
    And I understand that counselling goes off on different tangents/aspects of my life which I have no problem discussing with the counsellor. I do have other issues that needed to be discussed...some are related directly others are indirectly.
    I am talking to my wife more and more openly. I know that it's not at all easy for her as her mood/opinion changes like the weather.... So I'm dealing with all that too....even when she belittles me and makes me feel inadequate, inferior, etc.
    I am trying to take it slowly - but not easy when I've been dealing with my issues for over 40yeats now....all alone....until now .... So this may be why I appear to some as being "frantic".....I'm not apologising for that - that's just where I'm at at the moment.
    I am man enough to get on with life -the day to day stuff etc but I now feel at this point for the first time ever that I am able to touch base with my feminine side in a more healthier way than ever before.
    In relation to wearing my wife's clothes....if she offers it to me I will wear it until I get my own stuff.
    That will be an interesting chat if/when we discuss buying my own stuff.
    Anyway, one day at a time.

  23. #48
    Crossdresser-At-Large BillieAnneJean's Avatar
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    I think it i a BAD idea to wear or use any of your SOs clothes, shoes, undies, makeup, anything. It takes the issue of CDing and combines it with invading her personal space.

    Not a good idea even if she says it is OK. Don't do it.

  24. #49
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    BBB You have some very serious choices to face. I know first hand what happens when you open up to your wife. It may go well or be a complete disaster. If it goes bad, you stand the real chance of losing all. If you live in a rural area you your name will be dragged down, may not see your children, support, alimony even job loss is a real possibility. Even trying to find a lawyer in small towns can be difficult because when you tell them why the divorce is taking place, they may not be willing to represent you and obviously come up with reason(s) they are unable to take you on. I know this is certainly not a positive post, but just some advice as to how badly things can go. My children were adults when this all happened and I have gotten through all this, partly lucky and through hard work. Even saw a therapist for 1 1/2 years, he was part of the religious right and certainly not helpful. Am seeing a therapist well experienced in these issues but 90 miles one way drive, but helps a lot. I live in a very rural area and know first hand what life in small town is like, sometimes you can "feel the chill in the air". Wish you all the best and hope all works out for you.

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