mid life crisis & probably the end of my marriage

[BayBeeBlue]

Hi all.
I'm new to the forum but have been reading lots of these fine posts....very educational & eye opening reading.
I'm at my wit's end basically.
I'm married with 4 kids.
My wife knows most of my history but not it all....i kind of went about doing things the wrong way.
In hindsight the 1st mistake I made was not telling her before we got married all those years ago.
The next few mistakes were getting caught over the years wearing some item of her clothing like tights.
Recently, as things have been building up inside I shaved my full body - chest legs armpits & down below. She was used to me shaving down below but this was a step too far.
We talked/argued.
I was quizzed left, right & centre but couldn't bring myself to tell her I cross dress.....so the way it was left was that "I had a fetish for tights".....Argghhh!
My wife is very understanding so much so that she bought me some tights & I bought some stuff. This was to make our sex life better ... she was making an effort to take on board my feelings (something im not good at).
Rules were laid down....only at home...only together.. so I ended up breaking those rules by wearing 'my tights' around the house.... we're currently not speaking.
I nearly got kicked out of the house....still very possible.
She told me to explain to the kids why I would be leaving.
I have been thinking selfishly of nothing but dressing up fully hair nails make up shoes etc ... I so want to tell her but haven't got the balls.
She deserves the truth and doesn't deserve me.
It's driving me to distraction so any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Sarah Louise]

Hi BayBeeBlue,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're having problems with your wife.

It's difficult to know exactly what you should do, but based on what you've told us, I think you have to find a quiet time to sit down with your wife and be completely honest with her - about everything. From posts I've read on here, more often than not, the things wives and partners dislike more than anything (even the dressing) is being lied to. If you do tell her all, you can explain why it's been difficult to be completely honest. It's not an easy thing to open up about dressing and lay you heart on the line, but in your case you're half way there already.

If your marriage is strong and you love eachother, then there's a strong chance that you'll come through this. You say she is understanding and bought you some tights. That doesn't sound like someone who can't compromise. But do bear in mind that while you'll get lots of opinions on this site about what to do, only you know your wife and are in the best position to know how she will react. Once you've told her everything, you can't undo it the next day.

Whatever you do, good luck.

[Sara Jessica]

Yikes, your cat is halfway out of the bag and looks as if it is about to be strangled by the cord.

I recommend reading into this thread...

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...CDing-husbands

...keeping in mind there is a fine line between assertiveness and being mindful of the mess you have made and its effect on her.

Only you can decide if coming completely clean is the right choice. I wouldn't argue against it, that's for sure.

[Amy Fakley]

Welcome to the forum, girl. It sounds like you've really backed yourself into a corner.
I'm not usually one to advise anyone to tell, as its such a hugely personal thing, and the consequences can be so dire. However, from what you say here, it sounds like the consequences are already dire.

From my perspective, it sounds like the only way to start to untangle this mess, and to have any hope of keeping your family together, is to pull up your big girl panties and start being very, very honest.

Line up a sleepover or something for the kids, make proper time for this. It's not going to be easy, and it may not go well, and it's definitely going to be a long process. But if you're going to get kicked out of the house ... If you're going to potentially lose your family, have it be for the actual reason, 'eh?

For that matter, she's already trying to work things out and be accommodating about your non-existent fetish. If she's going to go through all of that, she deserves to know the real reason too ... It's like you're both going through a lot of what you'd have to go through if you had just told, anyhow. Why not let that potentially be constructive?

Good luck, girl. I know you're in an awful place. I hope it goes well ... Sending good vibes your way!

[sometimes_miss]

the things wives and partners dislike more than anything (even the dressing) is being lied to.

You know, we keep hearing that, and seeing it written here. And yet, marriages survive all kinds of lying. We apologise, bring home some flowers, maybe tickets to a show she's been really wanting to see, grovel a bit, and take extra special care for a while to be extra nice. Eventually things return to normal.

What they have more trouble surviving, is crossdressing. I really believe that it screws up the sexual attraction that women have for us, and once that's gone, the marriage is pretty much over, because it changes the dynamics of the relationship forever. Some manage to keep things going, but I think in most cases, the relationship is simply never going to be the same. It just seems like something that most women cannot get their head around. With rare exception, they don't seem to be able to find a way to be happy about us doing it, no matter how much we feel the need to do it, or how miserable we feel when we can't.

[OCCarly]

You may want to consider seeing a therapist. There are two possible outcomes: 1) You are a heterosexual crossdresser, and the therapist explains this to your wife, as well as your need for an occasional "vacation" from the manly stuff. Your wife understands and your marriage improves. Just a guess, but based on what you said, you probably end up with a DADT relationship. Or, 2) You are transgender, and this is not necessarily the end of your marriage or your world. I had to start hormone therapy for the psychological benefits -- I had been suffering from anxiety my whole life, anger issues since puberty, and panic attacks for the last ten years, and hormones pretty much fixed all of that. Being on hormones also enabled me to put the men's clothing back on without going to pieces, and "butch up" when my wife needs me to be a man, and when I have to go to work. It is not an optimal situation, but it is far better than the place I was before.

[char GG]

Glad things are going well for you.

I understand that your wife said to try on her things but to avoid problems related your wife's clothing
Just a suggestion:

Don't wear your wife's clothes.

[Sarah Louise]

What they have more trouble surviving, is crossdressing. I really believe that it screws up the sexual attraction that women have for us, and once that's gone, the marriage is pretty much over, because it changes the dynamics of the relationship forever. Some manage to keep things going, but I think in most cases, the relationship is simply never going to be the same. It just seems like something that most women cannot get their head around. With rare exception, they don't seem to be able to find a way to be happy about us doing it, no matter how much we feel the need to do it, or how miserable we feel when we can't.

Well that's not the case with me. I don't believe my marriage is "pretty much over" or a "rare exception". Genuine question, where do you get this belief from, other than your own experience and why do you believe your experience is more common than mine and many others? Of course, it could be that the vast majority of those where it goes badly don't post or give up posting on sites such as this one. No one really knows, but I'm not convinced that those who have a bad experience go and hide in a hole somewhere.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Your SO is probably puzzled at your refusal (so far) to take her up on the stockings offer.

Can you pinpoint exactly why you haven't?

Is it because you know it's just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what you'd really like, or is it something else? Simple shyness even?

When I was 20 I had a sexually adventurous girlfriend. For her 21st her sister gave her black pure silk stockings and a matching garter belt. They were a huge turn-on for us both. The next morning I got up before her and put them on, then got back into bed. I knew I was taking a chance, but to my relief she got really turned on...it all ended happily ever after.

It may be that your SO is actually excited by the idea- she may actually be more kinky than she's let on... or indeed than she had previously realised.

Don't overthink it- you've got a pass, use it.

Paranoia is a strong word, an extreme word. Try thinking in less dramatic terms. By choosing to imagine the worst possible outcome in any situation, ok, you're prepared for disaster, but you're also reinforcing your own fears, burdening yourself, and possibly even creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Your wife is offering you a no-strings attached (well maybe a g-string attached) opportunity to live a little, to boldly go where you ain't never been before. She is acting from the opposite end of the spectrum to paranoia- from confidence and trust. She deserves your best, and operating from a place of paranoia is definitely not you being you at your best.

[BayBeeBlue]

Hi Nikkilovesdresses.... thanks again for you insightful words.
My SO told me she thinks I look sexy in the stockings....I'm getting into bed after work and hope for the best.
I don't know why I haven't yet....I think you hit the nail on the head with your guesses. A little bit of everything.
She said she doesn't want to feel threatened by it all ...so I just have to take everything on board from her point of view and balance it my own feelings and go from there ... one leg at a time.
I've got nobody to thank but you girls ... I feel so at home here it's mad. I feel like myself here....and it's becoming part of my relationship....hugs + kisses to all here.
❤👗 That's for you Nikkilovesdresses

[char GG]

Be truthful. Tell her everything. If you still love her, tell her. If CDing is the most important thing in your life, tell her. If your family is more important than CDing, tell her. GG's (as does everyone I would assume) hate to be lied to and deceived. You have dug yourself into a hole and now it's time to dig out or be buried.

If you want things to work with your family, let her know if you are willing to make compromises. If you want to live by yourself and do whatever you want, when you want, then let her know that too.

You sound like you are a responsible adult. You have children. You obviously have built some type of family life. Maybe seeking some outside counseling would help you sort out your feelings. A good start with some open communication would be helpful.

Most adults would rather be doing something else. I would love to quit my job and travel for a living (being independently wealthy without having to work would be one fantasy - winning lottery???), however, we all have responsibilities and can't act like carefree children.

Hopefully things get sorted out with you and your wife before anymore drama happens.

[Tracii G]

Welcome.
Well she seems to be understanding so that is a good thing.
A quiet time personal face to face talk would be a good thing and YOU need to be honest and tell her everything.
I know that sound like a daunting task but IMO it needs to be done so she knows you are pouring your heart out and being honest.
Her feelings are very important and she needs to be assured that you still love her.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Glad you've found support and some help here BBB - or may I call you BB?

If she finds the thought of you in stockings sexy, 1000 cheers. Try it a few times, let the dust settle, then ask her on hindsight how did it feel? - though she might have made that clear without any urging. Basically, if she looks like she's having a good time, you're ok. I guess then you can say something like, 'Ok, that seemed to work for both of us- what do you think about taking the dressing up a little further- would that be too weird?'

Hopefully she says, 'What did you have in mind?' Though what you say next is tricky.

You know, of course, that the safest thing to do is enjoy the stocking-sex, and keep the further desires to yourself...but since when did any of us opt for an easy life?

[Katey888]

First of all welcome! Quite a first post...

You have free will, as does your wife - and life is just a succession of choices for everyone... You've already made one of the big choices: you have growing responsibilities towards your children and family.... You now appear to have made other choices: not to follow the agreed rules with your wife... Argghhh indeed...

My feeling: You need to really understand what this means to you - is it a fetish or more? The advice you get here will be coloured by folks' own experiences and motivations... If it's just a fetish (probably not likely) you need to assert that and perhaps just knuckle down to rules and places where it's 'safe'... If it's more than that - and that could be a whole spectrum of possibilities from being an occasional crossdresser with a quirky gender compass (like me) right through to being fully TS, like quite a few folk here, and anywhere in between - you need to properly understand what your motivation is for doing this and what will satisfy it. But that's one tough question...

I would tentatively suggest some counselling, possibly with a generic therapist to begin, but perhaps also with someone who genuinely understands gender issues...

But your first action has to be about at least maintaining the status quo in your relationship and your family while you explore that... and perhaps an apology would be due to your wife, while explaining that this is something that you need professional help with because it is probably one of the more complex personal and relationship issues to understand and deal with.

Good luck with it - think of the kids and a bit of stability first before making any more radical decisions, would be my thoughts...

Katey x

[BillieAnneJean]

Yes tell her. SOON!!!!! When the kids are away for a sleep over.

Tell her that you love her and how much you love her.
Reassure her.
Tell her what it is about her that you can't live without.
Reassure her.
Tell her how much you love your kids.
Reassure her.
Tell her what it is about them that you can't live without.
Reassure her.
Tell her that she comes first, the kids next, and you third, CDing fourth.
Reassure her.
Tell her that you are willing to listen to her.
Reassure her.
Tell her that you will compromise in any way that makes her happy.
Reassure her.
Tell her if you are gay, bi, trans, going to dress like or in women's clothes 24/7. any of these may be a deal breaker.
Be honest.
Tell her if you want a typical husband wife relationship.
Be honest.
Tell her about you and CDing.
Be honest.

Good luck.

No there is nothing wrong with being trans, 24/7, gay, bi, whatever. But for her to get slapped in the face with what to her may seem like the end of her world, maybe you need to compromise And Stick To Your Agreement.

[Jenny22]

Very sage advice, BAJ. Re: telling her SOON ... plan a weekend getaway w/o the kids, and NO dressing. Then have the reveal using your advices. Treat her as you did on your honeymoon.

[char GG]

Billieannjean has good points.

Not giving her a choice is the matter is cruel. She needs all of the information to make a choice. You need to tell her also what your choice is.

Gut reactions are almost never accurate. Make sure to lay out the facts.

[TrishaTX]

I think Billy jean had great points....as most of the ladies said here start with honesty, be patient and if you love her try hard.

O the below comment about Therapist, I am not sure they are there to keep you married, they are there to speak to , be honest and get feedback and to improve upon yourself. For a marriage to last, you and HER need to want to stay together, improve and make it last.

[Teresa]

BBB,
I know there's no indication of age or how long you've been married, also I assume your kids are still school age.

I feel before you go buying anything else you must find where you are with your CDing, it sounds like you are confused by it and it's impossible to even start to explain things to your wife while it's like that.

I guess you've got to stop taking the chances of being caught , that's not the way of sensibly coming out to your wife. OK if it happens the one occasion it's an accident but after that it's going to be read wrong.

If you haven't got as far as full dressing yet and your wife is freaking out over wearing tights you have got a tricky time ahead. Don't do the selfish route , find out the truth about yourself , come to terms with it , accept it then you can start to move on. It will take time, your wife has four kids to deal with think hard before you start doing selfish things, it could end everything .

Your wife deserves the truth when you know it, not before , try not to fall into the trap of not being deserving you are still a husband and father, that's your main role , your wife can't live without that support .

[Nikkilovesdresses]

BB, You started this thread with the title 'midlife crisis & probably the end of my marriage'.

Is it safe to say that both statements were overstatements?

How might you rephrase the thread title now?

[LelaK]

I'd just say I have a fetish to look feminine in private. Fetish means strong desire.

[Aleca]

Like most will say here, honesty is the best policy. If you fear you have too much to lose then you might want to be in therapy, counseling, self or with wife for backup. I don't envy you going through this, as gender expression is a part of our lives, so are our wives and equally so. Everyone seems to have a different M.O. to this and that is where therapy to cater to your strengths and weaknesses is very important. If you have been together and have kids, eventually things should mold together and work out o.k., as long as each can learn to have their space.

[jamie-upstate]

This site is from the SO viewpoint it might help
http://www.avitale.com/sotherlist.html

[CONSUELO]

Hi Baby Blue,

First welcome to this site and my best wishes to you during this time.

I believe that the starting point to sorting all of this out is YOU. I sense that you are not really sure of yourself and the importance of cross dressing in your life. Perhaps you could consider getting some professional counseling, first for yourself and then for you and your wife. I'm sure she is very worried right now as she is probably confused about what your are and what you want. In the meantime do a lot of reading here on this site where issues such as those you have raised are discussed at length in various threads

Best wishes

[BayBeeBlue]

Wow!
I'm glad I posted.
Although, I was VERY nervous, it was slightly therapeutic just typing it (getting it off my chest).
I appreciate ALL the advice from everyone. Thanks for the relevant links too...very helpful.
It is good to talk to someone... anyone.
I know this from past experience... suicidal attempt thwarted by simply talking to a complete stranger.
I can see myself hanging out here a lot. I feel like I've made new friends (something I don't really have).
I've got plenty to do now to try & sort this out from the point of view of a husband, friend, father... and cross dresser.
Although, I'm 40+, I'm not the most mature person so I also need to grow up a little too .... breezing through life with a lot of indifference to a lot of things and not being honest to myself or others has me where I am today.
I know I'm not a good person but hopefully, hopefully things can only get better. But generally things get worse before they get better.
Im still confused but not as much thanks to you guys & girls....I wish I had your courage.
🇮🇪✌❤💅💋👗👠👜👙💄🇮🇪