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Thread: Just some sharing after my dad died. About dressing elderly.

  1. #26
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Everyone who posted, A BIG THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU. I knew for a months that he could just go to sleep any time, and i think a lot of wounds were healed some. I think my difficult brother and sister have been a little sobered, too. ClosetEd, that must be even harder, to suddenly lose a parent. I kno w a guy who lost his dad as a toddler, and never really knew him. My dad was in way over his headm never wanted kids, but there were some nice times, for sure. He had nearly died half a dozen times in the past, so i was pretty prepared when it finally happened. I do not plan on dressing up, until after he is buried, a week from today. Funeral services understaffed people are on vacation! Actually, i was a gravedigger, or sexton as you Brits call it, for almost three years, and buried many folks, in the early 1980's!
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  2. #27
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    Sorry to hear about your father alice. I lost my 91 yo father last month. In my case he was a very loving and understanding person and I miss him dearly. Like others I have followed your posts for quite some time and am aware of your situation. I am sure that no matter how things were you still grieve over your loss but as others have stated now you can plck youself up and start living for you. You are right that time is catching up on a lot of us here so get out there and live before its too late

  3. #28
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    I truly am sorry your Dad passed away and at your age it has to be hard because he has been part of your life for a long time.
    This is your time to live your life the way you want to because you did all you could for your Dad and sacrificed so much.
    I lost my parents when I was in my 20's and I do think about them still but I have been without them twice as long as I had them in my life.
    Again I am so sorry for your loss Alice but don't feel you have to end up like him or even be like him, be yourself.

  4. #29
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Sorry to read about your Dad, Alice. Losing a parent is a very hard thing since they've been around your whole life. It takes a while to get used to the idea they're gone. Be kind to yourself.

    And, yes, we should enjoy life - whatever that means - while we can.

  5. #30
    Senior Member Amanda M's Avatar
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    Alice - I am so sorry. I lost my Dad when I was ten, but I was lucky. There was nothing at that time to come between us.

    Even if he did not understand, I rather suspect he does now, so, please, if you can, let your memories of him be the good ones.

    Big Hug,
    Amanda
    If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got!

  6. #31
    stone free mykell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LeighR View Post
    Alice so sorry for your loss, I've read how you talked about your dad here and how he was not as wonderful a dad as we all hope for, but you being a good son knew you had to take care of him and that is true love that you had for him.
    May your day be blessed.
    Leigh
    this is how i felt and just wanted to add my condolences, may things with the remainder of the family work out for the best....
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that those who deny freedom deserve it not for themselves
    NOBODY gets a pass to blow out someone else's candle in order to make theyre's shine brighter

  7. #32
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    alice
    So sorry to hear about your father! Kudos for you taking care of him!! Hold on to the good thoughts! Cherish them! When you feel it move on.! It may take a little while. But move on! You are blessed for caring for your father! It is now time to live your life! All the best!! Hugs Lana Mae

  8. #33
    Member Petra1's Avatar
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    Please accept my condolences.

  9. #34
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    Sorry for your loss Aiice.

    See my signature - over the last few years since 'official' retirement I have decided to tackle some of my bucket list items before my turn comes, and being here is one of them.

    Once you are over the inevitable period of grief - go for it.

    Vikky
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    Adventure before dementia

  10. #35
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Again, I am humbled by so much caring, and love, from people i have never met, and we may not have much in common other than this thing we deal with. I can't begin to say how great you all have been. An many of you have been through losses already. I really though t my difficult father would make it to 100, and almost did. I was his enemy much of my life, but tried to make peace, though it was never easy, but i must be good to myself now, as i gave him the last six yrs of my life, and i am 62 now. I thank you all for your loving attitudes to me, at this time,. and i know I have made tons of mistakes and been way too self centered. I wish you all the best,in this tough thing called life.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  11. #36
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
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    OMG, I can only imagine what you're going through, Alice.

    My grandmother was a similarly difficult woman, even when she was well. She got sick in her late 60s and was in and out of nursing homes, and assisted living, between stints living at home with essentially her own family serving as support staff ... and that lasted until she was 87. By the time she passed, the 24/7 effort to keep her alive had literally become a lifestyle for most of the family, and everyone was beyond burnt out.

    We loved her, and we were so sorry to see her go, but at the same time it was a relief ... but that relief was quickly followed by a deep deep depression for those in the family that were most involved in her care. She died 3.5 years ago, and some in my family have yet to dig their way back out of that abyss. It's an easy trap to fall into.

    I guess what I'm saying is, don't forget to take care of yourself, Alice. There is so, so much to take care of after an elderly parent dies, especially of you were the one in the elder care hotseat, but don't forget you, and don't be ashamed to ask your doctor for an antidepressant or to talk to a councellor or something. Just take it one day at a time, and you're damn right ... life is for the living, girl. Get out and live it!
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

  12. #37
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Amy, Thanks much for sharing. My dad was always a very difficult, narcissist, only loved his horses, not his family much. My parents would have been better off separating, or even divorcing. You are right. I fear mys sister will have deep depression, because my dad was the only male she was ever close to. I fear she will try to cling to me now. Her speech impediment is so severe, and other ailment, that it is hard to be around her, and no one wants to be around her. I have had depression all my life, too, and bi polar. I am on lithium, and an anxiety pill, i take when i am overly anxious. i take lots of vitamins and minerals, and suppliments, I cannot do without. But, my family is bizarre. a "fusion" family, where no one seemed able to break away, and have relationshios outside the sick family, and our parents discouraged us from dating and marriage, and having our own kids. I think partly they were afraid we would make the same mistakes they did, marrying a wrong person. Any way, you are right, that i must break off from my family of origin more, and have a life of my own. I know they will try to control me. Sick family.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  13. #38
    Aspiring Member Sarah-RT's Avatar
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    Sincere apologies for your loss Alice. Ageing is an unfortunate part of life and the helplessness it causes as we age.
    With that in mind, we only live once. So for the fleeting few years we get to experience here in our life, make sure they are the best ones!
    I cant stand to fly, I'm not that naive. I'm just out to find the better part of me. I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane, I'm more than some pretty face beside a train. Its not easy to be me.

  14. #39
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Sarah, Yes it is. I am having some health issues too, with eayesight, memory loss, neck and back, and knee. I try to ride bicycle every day, walk some, work on car. but it is getting harder to put my socks or nylons on! I know the day is coming, when i just won't be able to dress up, and i can survive without it. My dad could do nothing, let alone dress himself. i don't know if i want to live that long.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  15. #40
    Junior Member BayBeeBlue's Avatar
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    Hi Alice.
    Sorry for your loss.
    Unfortunately we all experience this at any age. I lost my younger sister to suicide in 2003 and my Dad passed away over a year ago.
    Myself and my dad never really got on.
    He suffered strokes and heart attacks and was very frail near his end. It was a bit like the prodigal son returning for myself and him in the latter years as we started to on a bit better and had a lot more in common than we thought. Even though he was the man who whipped and beat me when found wearing my mother's tights...but such is life!
    All I can say to you is remember any good times and enjoy the future day by day.
    "Go n-eirÃ* an mbothar leat"...Irish for...may the road rise with you.❤

  16. #41
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    Sorry for your loss

  17. #42
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    Alice we are about the same age and one thing I will say from your writing is you are way too hard on yourself.
    You tend to put yourself down and say things that promote a feeling of I'm not good enough.Please don't feel that way because you are good enough to do most anything you want.
    I hope this new part of your life opens up and you can start to feel better about yourself and life in general.
    Just remember just because your Dad did something doesn't mean you have to. Break the cycle of toxicity.

  18. #43
    Rotten 80's child Nicole Erin's Avatar
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    regardless of the relationship we had with someone, seeing them die just makes us realize just how serious this death business is.
    It doesn't matter if we lost them too soon or are relieved when they are gone.
    We remember our interactions and now they are gone? It is strange either way, better or worse.
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  19. #44
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    Sorry for your loss my friend. I know how it was and is with your family. I'm hoping you can take some time for yourself now. Be well.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  20. #45
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Thanks again, I have lost a lot of frioends the last five years. First girlfriend ended her life in 1982, Lot of dear pets die in my arms. Such is the way of all flesh. At least in this world. Tracii, You are right, My older twin brothers criticize and ridicule every thing i do, and the church condemns CDing, so i have had more than my share of shame. Doing a bit better, though.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  21. #46
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    Hi Alice so sorry to hear of your loss, my thaughts are with you at this difficult time. I know your Dad wasnt the most easy person to get along with at times , but he was still your Dad wasnt he, and we only get one. I really hope that your life will soon settle down and you can have more Alice time , none can say you didnt do your bit for him, and you did more than some . Now its time for you,lets hope you can make a break from the rest of the family and not get bogged down with thier problems.
    Drive carefull Alice and enjoy life. All the best Heather

  22. #47
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry for your father's passing, Alice. I know that your relationship with him was difficult, but still I offer you my condolences.
    Reine

  23. #48
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    I think he finally appreciated his adult kids in his final few years. He was an anti social loner. Now comes the harder part, dealing with my control freak intense older twin brothers, who truly have no respect for a work i say. Oh it never ends! Toxic family! I hope i can endure the hell still ahead over the will. Thanks Reine! I know a lot of you have been through losses, too. For 62 yrs, i lived, knowing my dad was alive. Now he and my mom are gone, and i have no wife or SO. Just my cats. The hell will come from my evil intense toxic control freak older twin brothers. The one in prison dictates to his twin here, and they have always been against me since birth, two against one. I have been in physical fights against the two of them, when younger, but they are the same yet. If i can find an aprtment as good as i got now, further away, i hope i can find a way to move for the 49th time!
    Last edited by Alice Torn; 07-05-2016 at 07:33 PM.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  24. #49
    Platinum Member Angie G's Avatar
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    At 68 I can see I'm not what I once was. And wish I had come out to my wife sooner. All the aches and pains I never had are there often.I do think I'm doing good for my age. I'll be dressing for a few more years to come. And I'm sorry to hear about you dad Alice. He in in a better place and a peace.
    Angie

  25. #50
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    Alice I know toxic family and how much of a strain it is. Remember you are not them or anything like them.
    My 1st wife's family were that way always wanting you to drop everything for them and they would do nothing when you needed it.
    3 boys in and out of prison or jail since they were each 16 years old.
    Never remembered the good things you did for them only remembered when you said no.
    My wife got so tired of the whole mess and just quit talking to them and never answering the phone when it was them calling.
    If you can move and get away from them IMO that would be a good thing.
    You are a sweet caring person Alice don't let them drag you down from this day forward.

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