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Thread: The chicken TG?

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member Jenny Elwood's Avatar
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    The chicken TG?

    I posted this on fb a while back, thought I'd share it here.


    A shiver runs down my spine as I stare out to the East over the brightening horizon beyond the breakers. It's chilly and I came unprepared for what was supposed to be a night of revelry. I find myself sitting alone on a stretch of beach, waiting for the sun to show itself and liven up my shivering limbs. Another hour at most, I think to myself. Will I make it to daybreak or should I just give up and go clamour into bed like the weasel I normally am? Fatigue is now complementing the chilly air, driving me to seek the solace of my blanket.

    As I sat there on that lonely stretch of beach, I made a resolution unto myself. If I could make it to daybreak I would hand myself over to being trans-. No longer would I fight this ever-growing fire I had struggled to contain all my life. I would dress freely and let the sprightly person I had imprisoned behind that faceless facade out. I was lonely but tired. Appalled at (the permanence of) growing manhood but shivering. Wanting to be a heroic girl but too much of a wimpy boy. So my chickened skin turned to a chickened heart and I went to bed before sunrise resigned to my faceless life or so I thought...

    In a parallel universe however I did not and the resolution stuck. The resolutions we make, whether conscious or not, always has a bearing on the outcome of our lives. Truth be told, whether I wimped out or not that night, the right decision was made, my beautiful family is proof of that. But...but, that sprightly young thing (I still carry in my heart), needs out every so often...

  2. #2
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    Jenny,
    It's good to hear from you again, welcome back.

    As far as sitting on the beach thinking if you sit there long enough the decision might be made, you know there will be a next time and it will keep going until you finally decide to do it . I know you have a large family all fairly young so it not a case of chickening out it's more to do with responsibilities . You know you have to hang in there and be there for them but there's also Jenny to consider, not an easy one and as I've found it doesn't get any easier with age .

    As for being out in the cold, my first time out socially was a freezing night in January, I had a rude awakening finding out what GGs go through when they want to look nice but it's not practical winter weather clothing. I won't say where the icy blast caught me but it did make my eyes water !

  3. #3
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Nobody ever accused the trans community of lacking drama.... Be nice to yourself; forgive yourself when you perceive you have failed in some way -- you haven't. The only duties you owe for being TG you owe to yourself and as you note you recognize a stronger duty to your family. Treasure it. And remember time happens. Kids grow up. Situations change. Life ain't over until it's over.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Read only Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    Jenny all of us who have families and SO make these decisions, it makes our lives difficult and many like you and me tend to have a perspective of what is important and what can be good for us and our sanity and for our families.
    I hate being who I am at times and I will never understand this thorn in my flesh

  5. #5
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Jenny and Leigh, You both said it so well,. Though i am single, my religion, and family of origin still have influences on me. I just hope to have the guts to go out several times this summer, at least. Great to have you back, Jenny!
    Last edited by Alice Torn; 06-26-2016 at 12:58 PM.

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member Jenny Elwood's Avatar
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    Thanks for your (sobering) thoughts. You guys... uhmm girls rock! The incident in question happened all of 20 years ago. And Jennie, you seem to be in agreement with my wife (and she's right 9 times out of 10), I do seem to be a drama queen... :-)

    Teresa I had the perfect cartoon but I can't seem to manage attaching it, too bad...

  7. #7
    Aspiring Member Mykaa's Avatar
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    Hi Jenny, myself I consider fluid. Im straight, I have a family I dont currently see. My ex made that decision for me. The last 7 years were pretty unpleasant. I floundered, wallowed, I lost a job. Well today is different, I can smile, I accepted me and Im happier than ever despite my losses. Im still going thru changes but thats all good as Im moving forward and growing as a person for the 1st time in a very long time. I have met many people in my short time of acceptance, I have made some new friends. Im the better for it. Im still in the closet mostly, but Im not terribly shy and I love to talk and I do for sure hehe. Im out to a few and so far thats enough. I went to a benefit for orlando last weekend, I have 1 local friend, we went out to the local club, she dresses out fairly regular, I usually go out androgynous. I enjoyed going to the club, I found somewhere I fit in! We had a pretty cool outing even though it was short. Im sure it'll happen again.
    Nice to meet you btw!
    Mykaa is me! Discovering Peace throughout from the Girl within.
    David Bowie "Don't stay in a sad place Where they don't care how you are..."
    Disturbed The Light "The truth is waiting there for you to find it
    It's not a blight, but a remedy"

  8. #8
    Member Tommie.'s Avatar
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    You have made the right responsible decision. My SO says to remember 'when God closes a door He opens a window' so you will have opportunities open.... being patient and loving with yourself on the way is key.... huggs
    Enjoy our new life and seek peace Give love and kindness to others Live patience, self control, humility each day

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member Jenny Elwood's Avatar
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    Hi Mykaa and Tommie! Nice to meet new girls! Thanks for your support and thoughts, it is appreciated. :-) It's also good to hear others's stories as well and realise we are not alone in this, there is other people working though the same issues as well. People who can maybe help you avoid certain pitfalls. I hope that somehow I can help someone else out as well.

    And Teresa I found that cartoon! With recognition to tgforum.com
    Attached Images Attached Images

  10. #10
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    Jenny

    We didn't have the snow that night, but I'd chosen to drive in wedges and change into my heels. normally I can do the ankle straps up in a few seconds but that night I spent a freezing ten minutes in various position in the car trying to do them up, I was just grateful I was wearing a long ballgown but it must have been a sight across the car park.

    Thanks for finding the cartoon , I love it, even my wife thought it was funny when I told her about my shoes. She still hasn't seen me but she has very little sympathy for me wearing the wrong clothes, in her opinion!

  11. #11
    Member Molly James's Avatar
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    Hi Jenny,

    Thought provoking stuff to be sure but you seem to be very happy in yourself now both in the way you write & most definitely in your fabulous pictures. I don't know how supportive or accepting your wife is but it looks like you have at the very least a loving & accepting relationship that importantly balances both family & the ability to let Jenny see the outside world (or is that let the outside world be brightened up by seeing Jenny?!!!) so if I am reading that right then I'm really happy for you. I love my short & all too seldom time as Molly but that is tainted by the guilt of how it affects my wife & how I'm scared to try to broach the CD subject with her which in turn is holding me back from visiting a support group or even maybe venturing outside - life can be a very fine & tough balance between trying to be ourselves whilst keeping hold of those that we love & who love us.

    Molly.
    Just be who you wanna be - even if only for a few hours here & there!

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member Jenny Elwood's Avatar
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    Hi Molly, thanks for your sprightly reply! To be sure I struggle with a lot of the same issues (well, just about all of them!) that you mentioned regarding your situation. My wife is definitely NOT supportive, Jenny is barely tolerated and mostly loathed. Which is not to say she hates me in general, I still believe that she does (secretly and so do I her... shhh... she's hiding around here somewhere ) but it's become easier maintaining the walls (from both sides). Read my re-introduction for more info regarding our situation. I hope that you and yours can came to some kind of agreement, we do seem to serve two irreconcilable masters (dressing and marriage)... well I do anyway. :-)

  13. #13
    Member Molly James's Avatar
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    Hi Jenny.

    Well that's my "note to self" moment - read up before making assumptions so apologies for that. I spent some time yesterday afternoon reading up on your journey which has certainly put my own situation into some perspective & I'm glad you are still able to get out & enjoy Jenny's trips to the theatre.

    Best wishes,

    Molly.
    Just be who you wanna be - even if only for a few hours here & there!

  14. #14
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    Hi Jenny, and welcome back. If I am getting your op wrong, my apologies- But some 20 years ago, you had a type of reflective moment where you made a decision to not embrace full womanhood? or at least TG to be the main aspect of your life? You speak of your family as the proof of the correct choice. Also, from your re intro about your wife's lack of support. I don't mean to come off sounding harsh, but if I am it is not its actual intent.

    To me, a wife who does not leave, and allows for CDing is an accepting wife. Liking and accepting are two completely different things IMO. It is to be expected from any wife or partner that the gender variance will be difficult. Yes, there are the minority of partners that do not struggle with it. It is something we who are TG will likely always deal with.


    I had a sort of reflect period of my own gender variance issues a little over a year ago now. I can honestly say that while going through this time, I realized that just being a male character for others will ultimately fail, if that was what I was to become. Deciding on a life lived as a woman, or at least one where our gender variance has no boundaries or limits should not ever be made simply for others. We should not ever hold ourselves gender wise for them. What matters most I think for those close to us is who and what we are to them.

    The choice I made to continue my life as I am was made because of more than just others. For me, what I am to them, what they are to me, what my life has been to me and what my life would most likely be if I were to alter it gender wise is what I made the decision on. If I was only a male character for them to have, ultimately I would fail to be a person that would be right for them, to them. I hope this is making sense. For those who choose the other path, their decision is as good as mine or yours. It is also likely the best decision for their family and S/O as well, even if it means a separation. It is better to be the right person to them, however that is, rather than a person that fits easiest for them.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  15. #15
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    Jenny, Nice reflections and welcome back. Good to see you again.
    Part Time Girl

  16. #16
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Glad u hung in there! U NAILED ME with this post, Jenny!

    I was 17. 1000 miles inside Mexico. Broke. I was with other hi school kids who owed me money but wouldn't pay. My family on holiday and this was WAY before cell phones! I was surviving on penny pasteries and tainted water. One nite I was sitting on a tall rock formation. A paved parking lot far below. I thot why not just jump and end the misery?

    While I ruminated about jumping, a voice in my head said, "Don't be a baby. Cheer up! Things could be much worse!" And, the voice was rite. I cheered up and things got worse! No they didn't.

    I told my story to another surfer the next day out in the water. He lent me $50 bucks and I had enuff to buy gas back to the States! (Gas was 17 cents in Mexico then).

    I was NEVER that depressed again. Until I got drafted during Nam. But, that's another story---
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  17. #17
    GG, SO to Jenny Elwood Lidea's Avatar
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    Funny enough.... we have a 3y old...well..in fact all our children did the following. ... When they are faced with a choice...for instance a piece of chocolate or a helping of ice cream for desert.. they would take some time to consider their options and knowing that their decision is final, they make their choice....

    After enjoying their choice. .. they would come back and say that the unchosen option looks so nice...can't they have that too? And should you enter into a discussion about it, they would always say they didn't really want what they chose... but rather what they didn't choose.


    Now luckily it is only the 3yo that still does that. ... why not the others? Because their dad taught them that choices have consequences and he would not give in...

    Now a decision was made on a stretch of beach...very well knowing that you can not have both.... and there has even been the admittance that it was the right choice....having 5 wonderful kids and all...but now you want to have the other unchosen option as well..... The only difference between this scenario and the one with the 3yo is that the choices that the 3yo made will only influence her.... the fact that you want to have both sides of your bread buttered has a devestating effect on quite a number of people. ..people totally innocent in the choices that YOU made..
    Got overwhelmed by the BLUE Fog....

  18. #18
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    Lidea,
    It isn't an easy decision, but it's one I chose to make when my children were older. I still think that's the right thing to do. To me you can't put an adult's problem on a child's shoulders , they have enough to go through growing up and need your support as parents.
    I know some disagree with that saying the sooner a child knows about matters of the World the better they will deal with them, on the other side of that coin how many parents have had their children go off the rails with that viewpoint ?

    I feel I got it right but it's still a compromise, all my family know and accept me, so I still remain a husband, father and now grandfather and I'm so grateful for that !

  19. #19
    GG, SO to Jenny Elwood Lidea's Avatar
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    Sorry Theresa. ..I'm not sure we are on the same page. The decision on the beach thing happened 20years ago...4 years BEFORE my husband and I even met.... so when we met and he decided to ask me to marry him, he already made that decision to leave the gurl behind.... to be the man for a young bride.....

    now he wants acceptance or admires someone else who has an accepting wife....

    me and my mother-in-law had an interesting discussion the other day.... about different type of relationships with a TG person...
    whether her child is J.. or Jenny...boy or girl...it still is her child...
    whether my husband is J... or Jenny he is still his cousin's cousin...

    but my relationship with him is totally different... I didn't marry a 'human'... I married a man... so if he is J... he is the man I married...but if he is Jenny...the it changes my sexual orientation and cause me to be married to a girl....
    my mother-in-law doesn't lose a child ...his cousin doesn't lose a cousin...but me...I become a widow when the skirt comes on....
    Got overwhelmed by the BLUE Fog....

  20. #20
    Aspiring Member Jenny Elwood's Avatar
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    Hi gendermutt!

    A very apt assessment of the situation, thank you. To you (and Lidea for that matter) I am trying my best to live up to whatever choices I made. I am however but a flawed hero. Well no hero actually, just a man with feet (and seemingly) legs of clay. I missed the latest discussion seeing as I broke (both pipes) of one of those brittle legs 10 days ago in a motorcycle accident. Looking at a 12 week recovery I'm sure I'll follow any further discussion on the topic, and other similar stories (like Sherry's), with interest.

  21. #21
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    Hi again to both of you. My opinions on transgender relationships has altered a little since I've joined. In the beginning, my thoughts were that if you created the marriage with kids life, you should honor and own it regardless. IF however someone comes to a point in their life where they realize that they in their soul they simply are not a husband and father, then rather than sacrificing their entire human existence, they were better off being who they truly are. Just like a completely failed marriage (for whatever reason) the parents always make better parents outside of the failed marriage.

    As for the transgender person, a similar situation can be present. Even the worst case scenario for them, their family is full non accept, that is better than the biological father who internally just isn't.

    To Jenny and Lydia, I am not saying in any way this is your situation. I do believe many of us do at some point walk up to the threshold and make a decision whether or not to enter into life as a female. If the decision is no, it should be made because there is that part of us that IS the husband and father. Enough so that we embrace it.

    Most people in general make Hugh sacrifices. Especially many parents. I still equate this to the transgender relationships. Yes we who are if we are indeed still identify as male to aNY substantial degree will likely make many difficult sacrifices. Although we should not live with total sacrifice of it either. I do believe that Lydia has made her own as well. I personally wish the idea of a widow mentality was softened some. In partnerships, we walk most of life together, but there are those moments when we do walk alone. Rather than the dress comes on and the marriage dies, perhaps consider the marriage still alive, but it becomes a time for Jenny to walk alone, while dressed.

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member Jenny Elwood's Avatar
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    My dear Lidia, I flounder at the eloquence of "Merchant of Venice"...

  23. #23
    GG, SO to Jenny Elwood Lidea's Avatar
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    Again you have me with your words.... or in lame man's terms...I do not understand
    Got overwhelmed by the BLUE Fog....

  24. #24
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    Lidea,
    Sorry I did misread it but maybe I still made a valid point to Jenny.

    Taking the last few words of your last line maybe how my wife sees it but we do have a different situation. I know I've mentioned it before but since the menopause my wife hasn't had any intimate interest in me for the last ten years, she knows and accepts that she has been substituted. Please don't misunderstand me I'm not totally happy about the situation but I am respecting my wife's wishes, naturally the meaning of love has a different meaning because it's not total anymore. She has our grandchildren and they fill her life but she still needs my support which she values more now because she nearly lost it. That's why she gives me the slack to go out socially, she still doesn't want to see me but realises it fulfills an inner need .

    I know I keep referring to my new avatar but my wife hardly sees me smile like that, she isn't seeing the best part of me, it does hurt and I deeply regret my male side not being happier.
    Last edited by Teresa; 07-09-2016 at 03:02 PM.

  25. #25
    Senior Member Suzanne F's Avatar
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    I can't resist. I am sitting here in bed while my wife sleeps away next to me. We are on a weekend trip to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. This is almost 8 weeks after having SRS. We have a beautiful 13 year old son at home. Yes my wife lost something. I am not the same. We have struggled to adjust the last few months. Yes there is sadness. We will never be the same.

    Yes I am not what many would call a husband or father anymore. However, I hope to be a better spouse and parent than I was while hiding my real identity. My son and my daughters from my first marriage are watching a valuable lesson unfold in front or them. I have owned the truth and am facing the world in a difficult situation. Yes my wife and I are relearning certain things and sometimes I fail. But, I am secure in the knowledge my wife really loves me. If in the end she cannot be married to a woman I would understand. I want her to be happy and she wants me to be me. We will have to see if those two things are possible.
    I guess I am trying to say surely the person that loves us the most wants us to be ourselves. Yes I did not want to turn my family's life upside down. Not many of us do. I am so grateful my wife didn't base her reaction on what i deserved but rather decided I needed her live and understanding.
    Suzanne
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