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Thread: What am I doing?

  1. #1
    Member joanne51's Avatar
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    What am I doing?

    Have any of you, especially those still keeping their cd'ing to themselves, asked the above question at some stage?

    By not allowing ourselves to share this other side to our personalities with others, I find myself thinking
    along the lines of is this really how I wish to be viewed by others.

    Also I ask myself whether I have wasted a lot of my life pursuing a life style that could all come to an end in misery
    at a time in my life when I could do without the stress and upset that it could cause.

    And yet it is almost impossible to stop. I could not bring myself to purge all that I have.
    I know that I would miss it terribly if I stopped.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Joanne,
    At times the question does arise , it may be to go and buy something or maybe coming out to someone but after the event you're glad you did it otherwise the thought of wanting to do it will continually nag at you.
    I know I felt like that when I first entered a shoe shop , by the time I left I couldn't wait to do it again. People are more accepting than you realise , you can't ignore the other side it has needs too .

  3. #3
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    Joeanne, Yeah I think we all ask that question many times. But yep it is hard and we go on. Cheer up, a situation may change and you may be better off. In some ways we are better men for it. LOL but likely we are what we are.
    Part Time Girl

  4. #4
    formerly: aBoyNamedSue IamWren's Avatar
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    Yes, yes, yes.
    The other day I was watching an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race and it was one where the queens are challenged to "drag out" a regular Joe. Some of the guys really get into it, others let there competitive spirit fuel their desire to look as good as possible and others are mortified.

    The difference between the seasoned queens and the amateur hacks is stark. The amateurs, even with a pro helping, look like a dude in a dress. It's terrible. The way they walk and their mannerisms shout out "i'm a guy!!!!"

    In that moment I felt so much shame and embarrassment I wanted to burn all my stuff.

    So yes, I've asked myself that question.
    I am not a woman nor am I am man... I am an enby. Hi, my name is Wren.
    http://IamWren.net

  5. #5
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    Making it a choice stops the misery.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  6. #6
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    When I was in my teens I burned my stash in disgust quite a few times. You think your doing the right thing until the next day.

    I wish it didn't bother some people so much.
    Most of my teen friends and family knew and never said any thing bad about it. My mother said it was just a phase.
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  7. #7
    I am me! TrishaTX's Avatar
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    LOL I asked this more times than you count. I purged several times, said I never would again yada yada yada...In the end I am a CD...and man ...and a father, and a friend....and a husband...etc
    No regrets except I should have got dressed & stepped out sooner.

  8. #8
    Gold Member
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    Why are you putting yourself to this stress, We all at times wonder what, why, how-come
    we dress and hide are feelings from others. In short it is because of the pressure put on
    us by society. Men are not to wear girl clothes! But here we are standing in a bra and panties
    looking at ourselves in the mirror and wonder why we can not go outside dressed as we like.
    I am 69 years old, have been dressing since I was about 4, sneaking into my mothers closet
    trying on her girdles. I thought I quit several times, BUT NOOOOO! I keep bouncing back into
    a dress, and enjoying it.
    So just don't ask why, ask when and where can I dress.
    Many here have SO that just do not approve, or understand. Been there and got the "T" shirt.
    My first wife divorced me because of my dressing, a very bitter time. But I found a new girl,
    and for 19 years, we where very happy. She was OK with my dressing, even bought dresses
    for me. Sadly she passed away 3 years ago.
    But my dressing goes on; in fact I now have extra closet space for my clothes.
    It has been stated here many times, Dressing is something that you just can not walk away from.
    So just enjoy your "Hobbies" and try to relax.
    Rader

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member Traci H's Avatar
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    This question pops into my head every once and a while as I contemplate the fact that I just slipped on some women's garments. It sometimes makes little sense to me and I wonder can I just let it go. I cannot however and the moment passes. I think I have finally accepted me as I am. I can't figure it out, and have given up trying. Life is too short.

  10. #10
    Member renaej7's Avatar
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    Everyday. The "what am I doing" comes from..."why do I continue to make myself suffer?" I'm gradually wearing myself thin hiding to make others comfortable. Purging for me is no longer an option. I have accepted that part of my happiness. I am eager to embrace the next.
    be sweet for me

    -Renae

  11. #11
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    I do ask myself at times what am I doing dressed up in female attire? It can be a bit stressful at times, with the fear of being caught. Yet the following sentence sums up perfectly how I feel*

    And yet it is almost impossible to stop. I could not bring myself to purge all that I have.
    I know that I would miss it terribly if I stopped.


    If I stopped, I would no longer be myself and have to transform myself into a completely different person. I was made this way by nature. Do I have a right to change such an integral part of my personality, to remake myself because of an artificial social norm? This would seem to be psychologically very dangerous. This is why I am uncomfortable when I read about CDs going to therapists. Is being a CD something that needs to be curred?

    I am what I am and since I hurt no one or even myself, I'll just continue right along.

  12. #12
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Strict religious teaching, and lingering society stigma that it is perverse. I struggle with that question fairly often. A Gg wearing manly attire or uniforms, is accepted, considered moving up. A man wearing womens attire is considered a shame, lowering himself, forsaking his manhood.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  13. #13
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Sue,
    Watching that sort of program doesn't do a lot of good, it's too stage manged and not reality. If you've been to out social meetings you'll know what a broad spectrum present themselves , some are better than others but that's not the point, they have an inner need to do it.

  14. #14
    Senior Member NancySue's Avatar
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    Hi Joanne, I totally understand your dilemma....been there, done that...up, down, right, left, light, intense, etc. I've accepted that this is a compulsive behavior pattern. In other words, it's here to stay...for the duration. Yes, I also believe there are risks. The public isn't ready for us...at least here in the Midwest. Discovery would be tragic for us. So, we've accepted this as part of our being and life. Stop beating yourself up. Enjoy yourself. You only go around once. Make lemonade out of lemons. Mental anguish can have physical consequences. The need will never completely go away. I'm one of the lucky ones with a supportive, helpful wife which is a gift. It's part of me/us. Neither of us understand the "ways", so we just enjoy life, shopping, humor, etc.

  15. #15
    Junior Member Emma or Darren's Avatar
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    Yes for sure my mind constantly bounces too fro.
    On one hand I feel trapped and confined to a room when dressed then still doing what I can get away with underwear for example but constantly yearn to go further.
    I cannot bury this it has brought out a happier side to me I spend so much time online looking at clothes and shoes and voice training etc etc I have an image in my head I want to achieve eventually but unsure if its realistic
    I question why humans/society are so judgmental which all leads back to "what am I doing" answer .. finding my own happiness .
    Emma xx

  16. #16
    Platinum Member Angie G's Avatar
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    It't not going away almost no one stops just do it and enjoy it Joanne.
    Angie

  17. #17
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
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    Yeah, the old "WTF moment" ... I used to feel that way a lot, especially when I was younger.

    I purged too ... so many times. The term "emotional rollercoaster" comes to mind, but honestly it was more like a ferris wheel ... round and round and round again ... when I was at the top, it felt wonderful ... like I could just put all this behind me, go out into the world and just be who everyone needed me to be ... the first day of the rest of my life ... all that jazz.

    But the bottom came soon enough, and I was going out of my mind, I felt like a trapped animal ... like being stranded on the tarmac strapped to a seat in a crowded plane for eternity and I just needed to do was just stand up and stretch and scratch that itch ... and then I'd break, because I couldn't take it anymore ... go out and buy new things, and I'd feel so wonderful and natural like we do when we let the girl out ... Headed for the top o' the loop all over again ...

    I spent seeveral decades in that helacious holding pattern. I couldn't break out of it until I made peace with myself, and I wasn't really able to do that until I confronted my fear of rejection, and came out to my wife. Granted, it wasn't pretty but all things considdered it could have gone a lot worse and I don't know where I'd be right now if it hadn't gone as well as it did.

    But that was what finally stopped the ferris wheel for me ... when that little persistent voice of shame shoots in from the peanut gallery, these days I just respond with "you don't know what you're talking about, this is who I am, and I love it. Go away" ... and it does :-)
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

  18. #18
    Aspiring Member
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    I ask this question often. I thought I could stop when I married. that lasted about 10 years. The urge was always there. I manage to keep it in check, then it hit me like a freight train. only a couple people know but one good friend has been a big help to vent to. DO NOT PURGE!
    Sara

  19. #19
    Aspiring Member
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    All to often. I'm not saying I don't except myself and I don't keep it hidden from everyone. But still I ask myself a lot what the hell am I doing. Why am I doing this? Useually it's after I have spent a bunch of money on clothes. And I think that's where my issue is the spending money.I ask myself why I bought stuff all the time even things other then for crossdressing. So I'm not sure it's about that or money because I love to shop but hate that I spend so much and buy things I don't really need.

  20. #20
    Member joanne51's Avatar
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    When I started out cd'ing as a kid, it never occurred that I would be hooked for life.
    I would be lying if I said that I would rather I had never experimented in the first place.
    There could come a time when I will get the most satisfaction and pleasure from my feminine side.
    This would be when I am finally released from the cell that I have locked myself in for fear of being found out.
    This journey is far from over.

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