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Thread: I just want the truth....

  1. #26
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    Doesn't mean you are exactly gay?
    So there is a non exactly gay?
    I'm not exactly following your disjointed train of thought.Kind of trying to figure out if you have hit the blunt tonight.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 07-27-2016 at 01:34 AM.

  2. #27
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EffyJaspers View Post
    You are straight if you find women attractive (...), you're bisexual if you find women and men attractive (...), and you are gay if you find only men attractive (...).
    Only my personal opinion, but I think the straight / gay / bisexual labels only work in reference to cisgendered people. The discussions get wrapped around the axle when you try to apply them to transgender folks -- that's when you start to get silly / offensive assertions like men claiming they're lesbians.

  3. #28
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    So back to the OP.....

    Clever, have you found what you are looking for? Has any of this struck a chord? I know it's rough, but you need to decide what your willing to live with and what you're not. While I am a big proponent of working things out, there are sometimes where you need to move on. If you don't have a commitment, it should be easier. Also don't trap yourself by throwing good money after bad, or believing that this relationship is your last chance for happiness.

  4. #29
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    Clever Meghan makes a good point.
    If all this is too hard for you to deal with then move on there are other guys out there.
    To stay with him and be questioning everything he does doesn't seem like a healthy relationship for you or him.
    To say "but I love him" is your way of saying I don't think I can find another man so I have to settle for whatever I can get.
    You may not want to hear that but you need to IMO.
    The only way to know anything concrete you will have to ask him because none of us here can answer that for you.
    It all boils down to how much you can deal with and how far you are going to go in truly understanding him and what makes him/her tick and still love the person.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 07-27-2016 at 10:05 AM.

  5. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by EffyJaspers View Post
    ... I think most here mtf CDing would like to be dressed like women 24/7 if it was normal and not stigmatized, but not necessarily women. ...
    Effy, you can't use the word "most." This does not represent the typical cross dresser as evidenced by their own postings on this forum. "Some" or perhaps even better "few" is the right descriptor.

  6. #31
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    We are "just like him" in many ways, but also oh so different in many others.

    I think the questions you ask should be asked to him and answered by him.
    We each have our own reasons for segments of our dressing, we each have our own desires, we each have our own style. There is no "One Size Fits All" crossdresser. We are all unique, we just happen to share a love of things feminine and embrace our own femininity.

    Start talking to him, openly, honestly and non-judgementally. Talk, talk, talk...you might be surprised at how many of your question will be answered to your satisfaction.
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

  7. #32
    @--}----- Sissy_Michelle's Avatar
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    Nothingclever,

    There are a lot of really great advise that was posted above. However you're not asking about "truth" you're asking about our opinion and how we see ourselves. Although as was mentioned above I wil have to agree that you need to spend some time with him and communicate your wants and desires. We don't wish to "label" him, as "gay", in addition most people do not like labels. "Penis fantasies, the penetration..." Another question that only you and he will have to answer, how far are you both willing to go. In my opinion if you confront him and ask him about it and he doesn't wish to speak about it with you when he isn't crossdressed then good chance he doesn't want it either...

    What do I want? I would be lying if I had said I didn't have those same fantasies at one time or another. Does that put a "label" on me? Do I care that you want to label me... :: shrug :: each person is as different as each snow flake, one may like the attention of men, where the next may not. "But he crossdresses?" So, seems kind of a personal question.

    Are we all just like him or just as different as the snow flakes? Stereotype much?

    "What do you want?" Not to be labeled or laughed at. To be happy in my black t-shirt, jeans and boots, or high heels and a dress...

    Woman all the time? Remember the snowflake ?

    Afraid... I wear women's clothes. I chose where and when, because I made a deal with my wife. We set boundaries and rules. If we are to stay married to each other then we both must communicate and tell each other our wants and desires. If the other doesn't want to play or compromise then we have to respect each other's wants. Or... You find someone else.

    I wasn't mad. What you seemed to ask was my opinion or how I felt. I don't do labels, or stereotype, get jealous, or stress over things I cannot control. If your partner is having wants or desires that you are not comfortable with. Tell him. Don't label him.

    @--}-----
    Michelle

  8. #33
    I am me! TrishaTX's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=ReineD;3973719]is the possibility that he might be aroused by the idea of being a woman.
    I concur with Renee(I often do lol)...I would never transition myself but I am turned on by bing the women conceptually...I don't feel gay or BI but have slept with a man...that said...only he knows so I would continue talking to him.
    No regrets except I should have got dressed & stepped out sooner.

  9. #34
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    Your concerns sound similar to my situation ( liking to CD, Penetration) i haven't gone as far as complete makeover but i think i know whats going on in his head

    CDing, From a fetish/sexual point of view is a form of acting out in a way a lustful woman would. Fantasy and Reality are two different things, Not everyone wants to turn their fantasy into a reality or is capable of overcoming the barriers to do so. I'm also very certain the man in question only fantasizes about being taken by a man in the heat of the moment. It would be very rare for him to fantasize about these things while in male mode in public.

    As for what he wants...He wants you to peg him while dolled up with lots of spanking and dirty talk...it will be hard for you if your mind is closed off to freaky sex.

  10. #35
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    This thread is getting to the point where the banter is getting disgusting.

  11. #36
    Silver Member AmandaM's Avatar
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    I don't know if he is really gay. Only he can tell you that. I fantasize about being a woman, up to and including having sex as one. Yes, I really want to be a hot chick and have sex. But the male me in a dress? With a man? Nah, kinda blows the mood.

  12. #37
    Member Kellitgdet's Avatar
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    Ok here is my take on the original post.
    I think Clever is not asking if all cd's are like her husband but are there some like her, just looking to see if it is possible. How is it for us.
    For me not I'm not gay. I have had sexual penis fantasies. I don't what a man. So for me I adore women. I love getting my fem-self on and feeling beautiful inside and out.

    I hope you are able to persevere and find the truth and it is something you are able to set boundaries and live with. CD"s can have the best of both world's to offer.

  13. #38
    Curmudgeon Member donnalee's Avatar
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    Bottom line (no pun intended): We don't know (all we can do is give you our experiences, which likely have little or nothing to do with yours), you don't know (otherwise you wouldn't be asking); he might know. Your only chance of finding out is to ask him. If he doesn't know, which is a good possibility, then no one does. Or you could try the last speculation.
    ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!

    "The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)

  14. #39
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    I thought the OP's blog might help to see where she's coming from but there's nothing there at all. The questions in the OP seem rhetorical. Any of our answers won't be the same as the person's answers she's wondering about = "don't ask me".
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  15. #40
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Too simplified, but perhaps not, either. This works for men, not women; why? Because men are visual creatures. Our primary attraction is in what we see.

    Test. Sit on the beach. Hot girl coming from one direction, hot guy coming from the other. Which way did your eyes go before you thought about it? Sitting on the boardwalk having an ice cream cone, beer, whatever. Same test. Who are you looking at? For men at least, endorphins are generated just by looking at someone we find sexually attractive; so initially we do it before thinking about it (have to be careful with this one, because of the Coolidge effect, seeing a long term female mate will not generate that instant endorphin release the way a 'new' attractive female will).

    At the barber shop, what magazine does he grab; Playboy, the sports illustrated swimsuit edition, or pumping iron magazine with a guy in all the pictures?

    This is not, of course, definitive; but nearly all non gay men will automatically FIRST look at the very hot chick, not another guy.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  16. #41
    Junior Member Bunty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nothingclever View Post
    Is he gay? I mean the penis fantasies, the penetration, does he really want a man.....what do you all want, you're just like him? What do you want? To be women all the time? Are you just afraid to admit it? I'm confused. Don't get mad, this is a real question...well, a series of questions....
    I can only speak for myself but I hope it will be of benefit.

    I am a living, breathing example of a born cross-dresser who revels in penetration.

    I do not consider myself gay. I have never acted sexually with a male. I have been in a most loving relationship with the same woman for close to thirty years. That woman, my wife, is kind enough to satisfy my cravings to be penetrated. I am not sure what is meant by "penis fantasies", but in my case these acts do involve a penis-like dildo. Extremely intense orgasms can occur for me when we are both clad in lingerie, hosiery and heels and I am on the receiving end of anal sex.

    There are good reasons for the intensity of the experience in my cross-dresser's mind. The clothing and the penetration cater to my desire for "feminisation". While I would have preferred to have been born female, I am resigned in my case to my male body (although I do endeavour to minimise its masculinity). With that male body came a prostate gland, directly accessible only via the anus. Besides the fact that the anus is an erogenous zone, stimulation of the prostate is immensely pleasurable.

    My brain happens to be autistic. I do not fantasise easily for that reason. And, for that reason, I have tried porn selectively, prioritising the above elements (hosiery, heels, anal penetration). The genre is intrinsically unrealistic and in that way I have found that it can actually work for my brain as fantasy made flesh. Whether or not a male is involved, I find that I always identify with the "bottom" female or trans participant. This has led me to wonder if I could enjoy the "real thing" doing the job of a dildo. Situationally, I suspect that I could do so, especially if it belonged to a CD or trans person. But I have no desire to otherwise explore a man's body (perhaps that is the meaning of "penis fantasies" ).

    In all other contexts, I have no interest in that organ. My eye is drawn only to the splendour of the elegant female. That is what I admire and that is what I wish to emulate. I do consider myself most fortunate in the fact that my wife and I concur in our tastes in the women we esteem and in the clothing which we like to see worn and to wear ourselves.

    I do hope that the above helps. Everyone is different, of course. You and your partner may both benefit from frank discussion, including of each other's desires (or needs). For things to truly work, your own should not be sidelined. It is only reasonable that he should look after you as you look after him. I can assure you that what you seem to describe can work in a loving relationship between a CD and a woman.

  17. #42
    Junior Member Thictoria's Avatar
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    Hi nc,
    Gay id say no because he is in a relationship with you and not a man! Bi maybe but maybe not. He may just have a fantasy of being the woman in bed and nothing more. I'll echo everyone else and say only he can answer your question! Hope everything works out and you get your answers and you can both move forward x

  18. #43
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    I think sometimes miss did touch on something relevant for NC. When you are with him out, or movies or whatever, do you or can you sense what he is paying MORE attention to... if, he tends to notice men more, even if it is casual observations about what they are doing or their appearance rather than women that is an indication. Remember I said more. I often remark to my wife of some men over their appearance or attitude. But if she chose to be a member here and commented on this, she would tell you I pay much closer attention to women. Mostly because I am noticing them for their appearance but not in a desirable way, not that the always makes her feel good either, but I'm much more focused on females. A guy has to be looking Luke a real clown or having some ridiculous attitude, otherwise I don't pay a whole lot of attention.

  19. #44
    I have looked at the responses I've gotten, but have been hesitant to respond. I feel like I just pissed a lot of people off....though I did see some pretty freaking kind folks coming to my defense too. I think it's naive and sweet that so many think I should just ask him....like I never thought of that! BTW, I deleted that blog because I thought it was too personal for the interwebs.....other than that, I'm just sorry I even posted this in the first place. I was hurting and confused. It was dumb. Sorry.

  20. #45
    Aspiring Member Brandy Mathews's Avatar
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    ReineD,
    It is so awesome having your point of view on not just this subject, but all of the things on here. Thank you so much!
    Bree

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    I guess the saying.....Never say never, would apply to me. I have NEVER been gay but I love that I am a cross dresser. I guess that it used to make me very mad that it had such control over me but I have come to realize that it is just me. I recently started conversing with another CD on here. Have gotten to know her pretty well and I have to say that I do enjoy her messages, her thoughts, her caring. And I have had thoughts about us when we meet. It is crazy, I have never had those thoughts before. I really want to meet her, move this relationship on further. So I guess that I am gay. Care about her very much. Have even thought about when we do meet, what I would do to her to make her smile. I know that I would look at her in her eyes, then kiss her passionately, move on from there. If he would want to be a part time dresser, I would love to be his girlfriend, have dinner ready for him when he gets home, love to cook, sew, even clean house. And of course....shop, lol. I know, I wonder about myself too, how much I like all of these things. Not the typical CD I guess.
    Miss you babe,
    Bree

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    I guess the saying.....Never say never, would apply to me. I have NEVER been gay but I love that I am a cross dresser. I guess that it used to make me very mad that it had such control over me but I have come to realize that it is just me. I recently started conversing with another CD on here. Have gotten to know her pretty well and I have to say that I do enjoy her messages, her thoughts, her caring. And I have had thoughts about us when we meet. It is crazy, I have never had those thoughts before. I really want to meet her, move this relationship on further. So I guess that I am gay. Care about her very much. Have even thought about when we do meet, what I would do to her to make her smile. I know that I would look at her in her eyes, then kiss her passionately, move on from there. If he would want to be a part time dresser, I would love to be his girlfriend, have dinner ready for him when he gets home, love to cook, sew, even clean house. And of course....shop, lol. I know, I wonder about myself too, how much I like all of these things. Not the typical CD I guess.
    Miss you babe,
    Bree

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    I guess the saying.....Never say never, would apply to me. I have NEVER been gay but I love that I am a cross dresser. I guess that it used to make me very mad that it had such control over me but I have come to realize that it is just me. I recently started conversing with another CD on here. Have gotten to know her pretty well and I have to say that I do enjoy her messages, her thoughts, her caring. And I have had thoughts about us when we meet. It is crazy, I have never had those thoughts before. I really want to meet her, move this relationship on further. So I guess that I am gay. Care about her very much. Have even thought about when we do meet, what I would do to her to make her smile. I know that I would look at her in her eyes, then kiss her passionately, move on from there. If he would want to be a part time dresser, I would love to be his girlfriend, have dinner ready for him when he gets home, love to cook, sew, even clean house. And of course....shop, lol. I know, I wonder about myself too, how much I like all of these things. Not the typical CD I guess.
    Miss you babe,
    Bree
    Brandy Mathews

  21. #46
    tiptoeing thru the tulips ellbee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nothingclever View Post
    I have looked at the responses I've gotten, but have been hesitant to respond. I feel like I just pissed a lot of people off....though I did see some pretty freaking kind folks coming to my defense too. I think it's naive and sweet that so many think I should just ask him....like I never thought of that! BTW, I deleted that blog because I thought it was too personal for the interwebs.....other than that, I'm just sorry I even posted this in the first place. I was hurting and confused. It was dumb. Sorry.
    Well, you had a situation at the time & you had questions. Maybe they could have been taken the wrong way, but, you asked them, and the result was this thread.


    Anyway, as you've already found out, we here are definitely *not* all the same. We really do run the gamut -- so, it's pretty much impossible to answer for someone else, because the possibilities are almost endless.


    And as for those saying it's impossible for a guy to be gay because he's with a GG? Um, have you never actually met someone who's gay? They come in "all flavors," too! I actually know two guys, for example, who have been together for like 15-20 years now. Know where they were before that? Married... to GG's... and they each had children with them at the time! Go figure, eh?

    (Not to "scare" anyone, of course. But I am saying that it can & does happen sometimes.)


    As for me answering the OP's questions, what would be the point? I could only answer them as *I* would. Which would be kind of useless.

    Hopefully she's in a better place now. And yes, we forgive you!

  22. #47
    Hi, I'm Kate gokatiegirl's Avatar
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    This question comes up quite frequently on this forum and getting tired of responding to it. I can only speak for myself and tend to piss people off when I do because I definitely don't seem to fit the mold here. I personally know a lot (more than 75) TGs and CDs and everybody clearly thinks similar to myself.

    With that said:

    If you identify as a woman and seek a man that is NOT gay.
    If you identify as a woman and seek a generic woman, that IS gay.
    If you're a polished CD that wanders about with thoughts to transition and seek a man it's curious but not gay.
    If you're a closet/open CD and seeks other CDs to cuddle, kiss and whatever, that is bi unless you're not interested in a woman then it's gay.

    Everyone is a CD to start with and haven't found one yet that didn't seek others to experiment with. I base this on my own finding of people I meet at TG events, support groups, pride events and LGBT clubs. If you're married, don't get out to events or seek to meet others like yourself... Yes you probably never played but I doubt being with another man never crossed your mind.
    Kate

  23. #48
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    I can only speak for myself as I am a male cd. I don't feel like I am someone else even when dressed, nor do I feel like I am part girl part boy. I do however like wearing female clothes and looking like a female from time to time.

    As for the bi part I prefer women. I find being with a man enjoyable. I have been in a relationship with a couple of men over the years and find if stressful and unfullfilling. I make certain any woman I am in a relationship with knows I am a bi cd before it gets to serious..
    The problem may be he dosen't know what he is or what he wants. You need to decide what you can deal with what you can accept. How long you are willing to wait for him for to figure out who he is. From your previous posts it sounds like he has great self conflict and is not ready to except himself for who he is. Until he can except himself he won't be able to figure out who he is.
    Unfortunately there is no cookie cutter answers to this.every person is different, though there are similarities. I wish you luck in your adventure and hope he finds his way.

  24. #49
    Southern Girl dolovewell's Avatar
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    I am a crossdresser and its nothing more than that. I am not gay, I am not bi, I have zero interest at all in men and it will always be that way. The idea of me being attracted to men is very offputting. I would not be OK with being hit on by men. I don't identify as a woman either, I am a man, I am happy with that, I like my life, I like being a man, I like the masculine part of me. I just crossdress because I enjoy it and want to be feminine sometimes. I don't make more out of it than it is.

  25. #50
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    I can definitely empathize with the OP's frustration. I know my wife has had some similar frustrations. All I can say to the OP or anyone else feeling the same is that there is a good chance that he's not trying to lie to you, he may very genuinely not know himself. I'm going through this right now with my wife. I'm undoing years and years of treating my crossdressing like it was a sexual fetish. I told her that's what it was because I believed it was. I explained to her over and over that I'm not gay, I'm not a woman trapped in a man's body, etc., all the while using the the "it's just a fetish" element as evidence to help ease her mind.

    Unfortunately what I've since discovered is that I believed it was a sexual fetish because that was the only explanation I could find. The internet is a dangerous place and back in the late 90's and early 2K's, a search for crossdressing topics yielded only tons of stories and porn centered around CD fetishes. So I assumed that's what it was. It didn't really totally fit me but it was the best explanation I had.

    Society and the psychological community both have come a long way in their identification and understanding of gender issues in the last 5-8 years. As a result, I've come to realize that my desires to crossdress in and outside of the bedroom are related to a female identity that constantly accompanies my male identity. That sexual thrill I got, wasn't a result of being a man wearing girly clothes, it was being a woman finally wearing clothes that not only made me feel like a woman but made me feel like I was sexually appealing (even if the actual sight of me was horrid).

    Now I'm not saying the OP's SO fits this same story. He's got his own story and he has to discover what that is. He may be very well trying to fit into a mold that isn't appropriate for who he is and is unable to answer the questions above because he simply doesn't know the answer.

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