Just so it is said

[mechamoose]

Sorry in advance, I'm really feeling affronted at the moment for reasons which may not be obvious.

You might look like the front line of the NE Patriots, but that does not mean because you like frilly things that you are a lesser person.

You might look like Ernest Borgnine in a sundress, but that does not mean that you FEEL any less than OWNING that sundress.

I can never pass, yet I have hair down to my shoulder blades, wear earrings and makeup, nail polish, and pretty clothes. I'm just ME.

Please don't confuse 'passing' as being the same thing as 'owning'.

Pretty people are pretty, regardless of gender or presentation. That is the base point of courage, and should support you against fear and criticism. OWN it.

}:>

- Kitty / Moose

[Fiona123]

Well said Kitty. The ability to pass is a false standard analogous to beauty standards applied to women. It's great that some of our sisters can pass, but passing ought not set a standard for all crossdressers.🌺👗

[Richelle423]

Agreed!! I will never pass as well. I look like a jarhead in a skirt. . I don't give a a dann what others think about me any more. I haven't worn any male clothes in the past 5 years. When I shop it's subtle fem jeans with a girl t shirt. I Am Me!!! Against the world! And when I shop I make sure I own the place n I don't give a deal what other people think!

[AndreaCalifCD]

<-- Looks like a guy in womens clothing. Oh well!
Not even having naturally long hair helps (although it did once or twice when I was considerably younger!)

[Genny B]

Pass? Unrealistic goal! I just try to not be so obvious! Low profile, stick to the shadows, etc... LOL. Hang in there Kitty!

Genny B

[TrishaTX]

I always write just be you and I mean it. I cannot pass either ...but I love to wear women's clothes so I do. enjoy it!

[BrendaPDX]

Some of us can and do pass, some of us never will. It doesn't change who we are or how we feel when wearing the clothes we want, when we want to. I have noticed that self confidence is one of the keys; like you say "own that sundress". Thanks, Brenda

[Tracii G]

Passing is over rated and unrealistic for most of us.
Just own it and be yourself no matter what.
Trying to blend for us that don't pass is what works so I agree with GennyB.

[Tina81]

You're absolutely right about "owning it". There's a great Ted Talk video by CiCi Kytten at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fw30yjccnD4
It's entitled the Hardest Thing in the World.
Enjoy!

[Nicole Erin]

I pass 100% so I know not the struggle.

As far as the hardest thing in the world, to me that it trying NOT to gag when some customer has super bad breath.

[Rachael Leigh]

Intresting thread here since I remember thinking when passing was the holy grail of Crossdressing in public,
Now it seems attitudes are changing not only among the CD community but with just general public well maybe not them so much but I agree, I know I don't pass but I enjoy being out so I go out

[Sara Jessica]

I've been saying for longer than I can remember that the concept of passing is not only overrated, it is unattainable for a vast majority of us.

It doesn't matter what species of trans we might be, this thing of ours is brutal. Our bodies betray us. Our voices betray us. Society confines us. Best to deal with it as best we can or as you have said MM, own it.

Blending will often buy you something beyond a first or second glance. If you own it, then the conclusions arrived by the Muggles thereafter won't matter in the least bit.

Strive to be the best you can be. Don't simply exercise the look. Walk the walk. If you are going to look the part of a woman in this world, then be her. Learn a little empathy. Respect every aspect of who you are presenting as. Respect women and respect the fact that if you are part time, there is going to be a full-time woman following in your wake who does not have the luxury of retreating back to being a guy when the going gets tough.

Own it. Be yourself. Show respect.

[docrobbysherry]

I dress to look like a female not a man in a dress. I pass in my mirror and photos but never can when out dressed. Which is why I dislike going out. Of course, I'm more of female imperonator than trans.

I have envy and the greatest respect for those of u that have the self esteem to go out how u r and rather than dress to hide, really take over the room wherever u go!

[Pat]

I see it as a lack of role models. We (everybody) don't know what a successful trans person looks like. So we can't recognize one yet. I don't believe "passing" is success, but it's the closest metric we have right now, so that's what we try to achieve and that's how the non-trans community judges us. We're still at the very edge of the stage of civilization where trans folk can live openly and honestly and the people who are out now are the leading / bleeding edge of that. We're opening the path for the people who will come and create the role models that other trans people will follow and that non-trans folk will use to recognize a successful trans person.

I'm so sorry you (and I) are stuck in this chaotic, disorganized formative time. I hope that the day comes when someone realizes early in their childhood that they're trans and the people around them say, "Oh! We know what to do about that!" and they guide the child along the path that leads to happiness and success. But those paths have to get explored, marked and mapped yet. We can have a hand in that if we want it. Like Moses, I can see the Promised Land but I'll never enter it. And I'm so sorry, Kitty-Moose, that you may not either. But you are certainly a known entity here and I'm pretty sure you're going to cut a broad path for people to follow.

One day we will not consider success as the ability to be mistaken for a woman. We will consider success to be proudly trans.

[Dana44]

Yeah you have to own it. I went scuba diving yesterday. Had my long hair in a pony tail. NP right. well there was a fair wind all day and on the dive my pony tail band totally came off and disseminated, so here is male me with earrings long hair back on the boat. So taking the gear off the boat and removing the tanks and weights and turning them back in, my long hair was blowing in the breeze and focusing down would totally cover your face as you repack your gear into the divers duffle bag. had to keep brushing it back with my hand, talking to the other men as were are working. then putting the duffle bag on my shoulders to walk out and saying goodbye. yeah we own it and I wonder what they all thought. LOL girl me...

[Jenniferathome]

Well, I can't agree more with the sentiment here. I am solidly in the "don't pass" camp and equally in the "don't care" camp.

What strikes me as funny in any thread about "passing" is that if one truly "passes" then no one here would ever know. And yet, some here state that have seen a fellow cross dresser who "passes." How does that work exactly? Some may think have a "gaydar" that gives them a special sense for recognizing another cross dresser but, no, that's called being a human.

A smile at, and active engagement with, the normals is the best way to disarm and move about. If you believe you belong, the normals pick up on that.

[Julogden]

I totally agree.

At 6'5" tall and not exactly skinny (putting it mildly), I gave up on passing decades ago.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I try to blend, but not pass. For me, that means skirts that work with male tops. To start with, the skirts were simple, and could be taken at a glance as shorts, or maybe some kind of simplified kilt.

Now, I wear hosiery sometimes, and lately I've picked up some Awesomely coloured knee highs that really drag the eyeballs to my legs, and thus make the skirts more obvious. Where I think this does not qualify as crossdressing, is that the cuts are chosen to not exaggerate hips and waist. When I can find a dress that works, it will not be cut low, or in any way to exaggerate bust. In fact, I'm going to have to be careful that it plays it down a bit, as I have the beginning of man boobs, which I am not happy about.

Yes, the answer I have found is to own it. I walk confidently, even in a somewhat more masculine manner than previously. I am still surprised that it has been so easy, the worst incidents I have had is a drunk guy being offended by my skirt and going off muttering, and a couple of raucous shouts from cars. Far outweighed by compliments from the ladies.

For the record, I am 6'2" and 200 pounds, shaved or buzz cut head, and blunt features. Do have good legs, though they are not particularly feminine.

[Teresa]

MM,
I know we've had a difference of opinion over the acceptance issue, but I will admit since going out in public the question of passing no longer bothers me. Like you I choose to wear and accessorise with what I feel suits me , I do get compliments and thankfully no harsh comments but I do go out as me to fulfil that inner need . My recent avatar sums up how I feel, happy, comfortable and accepting myself .

Jenn,
Maybe we need to change the word from passing to convincing, as you say the closer we get the less we pass. Convincing maybe covers it better, I've had some comments that I fooled some people but that was only from my pictures, out mannerisms will always let us down but it doesn't really matter, we are dealing with our needs and that's the important point.

[Curiouser&Curiouser]

I'm afraid I have to admit this still doesn't quite sit right with me. I'm a brand new dresser and my eyes have still not adjusted to the beauty on these pages. I still find it very jarring and, again, I admit my shortcomings in rejoicing over the "prettier" among us. It's one of the reasons I'm here; in addition to finding support, I want to grow my sense of beauty and see everyone the same, as the weird and wonderful, broken and beautiful people they are.

With love,

Sandra

[Crissy Kay]

I dress to look good for myself. Passing really does not matter to me.

[NicoleScott]

It's not everyone's goal to pass, but as Crissy Kay said, to look good for myself. I alone decide what "look good" means. My goal is to achieve the look that pleases me most.

[suzanne]

I love this post. Thanks, MM, for starting it. You said it better than I can.

I am completely in the "own it" camp. I think the sexiest thing you can wear is self confidence. That je ne sais quoi that says "I'm good enough to belong anywhere" without being snooty about it. Anyone can make it happen. Just believe it.

[phili]

I'm [obviously!] in the own it camp, and my experience is with those who discover that most people are fine with men wearing dresses if we are just being normal people, and that can include being feminine. My theory now is that many of us want to be feminine in one or more ways, and often get all tangled up in the gender norm myth that only women are feminine, therefore we have to try to look like women to be eligible.

Then one day I felt myself perfectly feminine in the ways I wanted to feel, without the prompt/permission slip of feminine clothes. I then realized I was free- my body was fine as it is, [obviously I am not defining feminine as looking like a woman- i.e. no facial hair, etc.] and I could desire and enjoy feminine clothes, but didn't need them to get across the norm barrier. The net result is that now I am at peace with it all, and am happy for anyone to know, see me, etc. since I am feeling normal and happy, not scared and secretive. I am really glad that is over.

I used to feel like even crossdressers wouldn't accept me, but now I am fine with everyone doing what makes sense to them for their gender expression, and am secure in my own.

[irene9999]

I agree that if you're gonna go out you should own it and not be ashamed of your crossdressing. I might not pass 100% when out so at least I try to blend in and look my best when going out