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Thread: How many of us are struggling with being FORCED to be " Closeted ?

  1. #26
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    I will be another that says you can only choose to be in a closet. Heck, I live in ultra conservative Utah. It took a member of this board to take me out of my house and show me that it can be done to get me going. At that time I realized that all the walls keeping me in my house were constructed by me. Yes, coming out of the closet may have repercussions. Life has repercussions with everything we do. You have to decide what is important to you and if it is important enough, you will tear the walls down. Do you want to love life or regret the years you have lived?

    Self imposed prisons are the worst...

  2. #27
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    and how did that work out for you Sue?

    People complain that "they" as in the neighbors, the town, society (add jobs, church, the pet dog) make them stay hidden. All those things are things that if you all stood up and said enough, could be changed or minimized. But it's easier to stay in the closet. Well, easier for everyone around you, not so much for you.
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  3. #28
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    I think it's funny how everyone thinks they live in a "non-accepting" location.

    To offer some perspective, I have never seen a cross dresser in San Francisco nor anywhere in California unless we were out together. I have seen more cross dressers in Idaho (3) than in California! My point is that we cross dressers are still quite unique. The average normal has not seen a cross dresser in real life. Every occasion is a unique experience for them.

    I think acceptance by the normals is based on them having an understanding that the world is not just full of normals. This does not mean that I will be welcome anywhere I go, but I certainly do not expect to be tarred and feathered. I think our attitude while out is the primary influencer in being "accepted." The normals may not get it, but if you behave like you belong and are comfortable with yourself, the people around you feed on that.

  4. #29
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    I think one of the biggest factors about being closeted is need. Obviously, someone who is TS and feels there is no other way to live a happy peaceful content life than to in some way live as the woman they identify themselves as being. So their "need" pretty much dictates there be no closet. For CDers it varies greatly. How good is your life other than the gender variance. If life generally does not have much to hold you back, then not much to lose. If it does have a lot to hold you back, then the "need" to express the gender variance is the deciding factor.

    Regardless of where someone is on the spectrum of TG, just about all of us do go through acceptance and discovery. From there our lives branch off in different directions. Most of us will have to alter our lives to some degree in order to fulfill whatever our needs our for our authentic selves gender wise. The higher the need, the more it is worth making alterations to the life we were living once that process of acceptance and discovery starts, or at least starts in earnest anyway.

    It isn't always necessarily cowardice that keeps someone in the closet, it can easily be a good life overall combined with a need that is not as strong as some others.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  5. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by gendermutt View Post
    ...It isn't always .... that keeps someone in the closet, it can easily be a good life overall combined with a need that is not as strong as some others.
    Then one is not "trapped" or "forced" into a closet, are they? The OP is clearly stating something quite different. Vici desperately wants out, but claims to be "forced into a closet."

  6. #31
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    True Jennifer, but in their current situation, not the past but definitely the current one, it would appear she is not really all that trapped. I think she is frustrated, but the need is not so overwhelming that she finds a way out of the closet. If and when the need becomes strong enough, she will find a way out. We can offer help of course, if anything just to let people know that the situation is not as dire as it may appear. And helpful ways to be able to be out, yet not drastically alter their life in the process.

    TS women will and have transitioned when it means the end of a marriage, job, their friends and family..... because the need for them to be authentic is strong enough that they go ahead with this. Whereas the CDer often has the closet because the need to change their life, not even anywhere near as drastic is not there. Frustrating as it may be at times, but it isn't a true need. What I really am just trying to convey is that we sometimes can accept whatever our limitations are, and that keeping the life we have and want intact is not always just cowardice.
    Last edited by Tina_gm; 08-09-2016 at 01:00 PM.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  7. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by sweetvici View Post
    But those very same people would just as quickly, " Jump into Action " to Ostracize a Crossdresser, Transgender, ETC.
    I'm curious - say me and my girlfriend stopped in Corvallis for the weekend to do some fishing or something, and these people realized we were queer as hell and jumped into action against us. You see it happening, what would you do? Stand and watch silently? or would you stand up for us?

  8. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lorileah View Post
    and how did that work out for you Sue?
    Everybody needs a Kathi Lake to get confidence! I have never had a problem. Perspective is an amazing thing.

  9. #34
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sue View Post
    You have to decide what is important to you and if it is important enough, you will tear the walls down. Do you want to love life or regret the years you have lived?
    Testify, sister!

    And yet, I can't help but think that we're not bringing news to the OP. We're not saying anything she doesn't know internally. Maybe she's looking to shake things up?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenniferathome View Post
    I think it's funny how everyone thinks they live in a "non-accepting" location.
    I have several times had people tell me how unaccepting the area I live in is. It's freakin' Massachusetts! I'm out walking around living my life and "fooling" exactly nobody. But they have the fear in them and it makes them seek reasons they can't be free and the common reasons are often "stranger danger" or a life that's going to tailspin into destruction. Nobody can prove it won't happen, so that's where they focus. My heart breaks for them, but my advice is always the same -- if you feel that you have to hide, then hide. Do what's "right" for you. But be open to changing your view.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  10. #35
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    It is unbelievably frustrating to hear people say I'm "choosing" to stay in the closet. I've had guys tell me they'll rape me the second they get me alone. Females say I'm disgusting and need to be removed from society. And this is a majority of interactions. The rest are indifferent. That's "forced" as far as I'm concerned.

    Should I be looked down upon for not being willing to take some damage to "further the cause" or whatever? I don't know. I don't care. I'm not going to change any time soon.

  11. #36
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    I thought you were already out of the closet Joker?

  12. #37
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    I don't think anyone as said anything about furthering the cause. The only thing furthered by getting out is your own well being. You can paint a scary picture, and many of us get it, but being in the closet is totally a choice up to the point someone hog ties you and throws you in it.

  13. #38
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Wow Joker. Where do you hang out? Maybe you need to go somewhere else. I have never ever been threatened like that in any form. And although on occasion I will will get some sideways looks, women don't tell me I need to be removed. What kind of area do you live where people can be so vehement?
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
    Chief Joseph
    Nez Perce



    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  14. #39
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    Arbon: To those I've known for more than a decade, yes. To any new people? Definitely deep in the closet. And I highly doubt I'll ever come out to any one I meet in the future.

    Sue: Threat of violence is force. The examples are obvious.

    Lorileah: School, work, bars, restaurants, etc. Places every one hangs out.

  15. #40
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    We all build some type of wall around ourselves and are afraid to knock it down for whatever reason.

  16. #41
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    Fear is a powerful thing. I get it. It is tough to overcome and the longer it is around, the more it grows without additional reasons for it to be more. It still comes from within.

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