Getting through a low point

[mandy_may]

Hello friends,

I've been a member here for over 9 years, but haven't been much a poster. That being said, I wanted to get some advice/support for moving past a low period in my life. I've felt gender issues since I was really young. A shaming incident by a family member pushed those feelings deep. It took me a long time after I was married to express myself. My wife has been understanding as I started as a fetish dresser, but began to move more toward transgender. She knows and understands my struggle.

I have a professional career and I live in a VERY conservative area. Everyone knows me as fairly rugged guy (big, bearded, hairy). While I used to underdress often, no one would ever have a clue about my other side.

My wife and I had an active, and some might say adventurous, sex life for about 10 years. Often, but not every time we were together, I was dressed. We engaged in increasingly more lesbian activities together over the years. A couple of years ago we also shared our lives with other partners, culminating in a year long relationship with another woman that ended at the close of 2014.

After that relationship ended, I slipped into a depression that was compounded on top of a great deal of work related stress. Already a bigger guy, I put on some additional weight. Between the changes in our relationships, work stress, and weight gain, my libido hit the skids. I lost about 95% of my interest in dressing for any reason. I still try to exercise as much as I can, but my energy is low. I want to feel pretty and desirable, but all I see is a fat man when I look in the mirror. I wonder how I can even want to be a sexy woman when I don't even feel I'm an attractive man.

I know many of us struggle to be perfect. I want to feel like I did 2 years ago. Any advice of how you learned to love yourself no matter the size? Any tips for finding the beauty again? I want to believe that it's not all headed downhill at 43. Words of encouragement are more than welcome

Thanks for listening,
Mandy

P.S. The one positive thing is that I have resisted any urge to purge

[Lana Mae]

Usually it goes downhill after 50! LOL OK, my story is sort of the opposite but may help. I am a women's plus size 20. I would love to lose weight also but I am not supposed to because I have COPD and by maintaining the weight it keeps my breathing from getting worse(per the doctor)!! I would love to be a smaller sized gurl But I just deal with what I have to work with and go from there!! I will continue to wear my size 20W and go on from there!! And dress, then look in the mirror and remember why you dress and move on!! Best wishes moving forward!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Nadine Spirit]

A couple of things I can think of -

Dress for your size. Often people with a bit of extra weight will try and wear things that are too small, hoping it will make them look smaller, which it doesn't. So try and find clothes that will flatter your size instead of making you feel like a stuffed sausage. (Not saying you do!)

The other could be to try and bring your weight down if you are unhappy with your size. I was unhappy with my size, lost about fifty pounds, and have kept it off to continue to be able to fit all of my cute clothes! It has been a good motivator!

Good luck!

[rachelatshop]

Hi Mandy, Set yourself goals and if it is to be an attractive lady. Just say to yourself I am going to do it and set a diet and exercise program that will get you there. I know if you want to bad enough there is nothing you can't do sometime the impossible just takes a bit longer. At 43 you are still a young lady, so just go for it.

[Dana44]

Hi Mandy, Ah, I used to have a big stomach and it took a lot of work to get it back in shape. i do get-fit routines and use light weights and they are working fine. Now I am size 12 and it took me a while to do that. But don't despair and take care of yourself. Mantras always work. Start looking at yourself as a woman and treating yourself that way and your young and well, years to be pretty again and some big woman is very pretty so start there. Buy the clothes that fit well and your off to a good start.

[Lauren Richards]

Mandy,
Since you asked...
I would not focus on the exterior parts. Weight and depression appear to be triggered by relationship loss. The expansion of your marital relationship to include others is a path you followed, yet did not end well. How is your relationship with your wife now? You did not mention that, and that you write of only your issues after mentioning the end of the relationship. Still together? Supportive? How is she doing?

The desire to understand the cause rather than just putting balm on the wound is critical to any healing process. If you have a splinter deep in your finger, you have to dig it out before true healing can begin. Painful. Yes. Necessary. Absolutely.

Wishing you the very best in your journey of understanding and fulfillment. It takes time. Take the time and be good to yourself so you can be good to others.

Lauren

[Teresa]

Mandy,
It sounds like you're grieving the loss of the other woman in the relationship, as others have said what does your e=wife now think of the situation , is she missing her or glad she has you back as the only partner ?

I've commented on this before but hitting the forties is a time of change, you mention work related stress so maybe you're wondering where you go for the next twenty years and do you make life changes now ? I've read so many threads where this happens, CDing does complicate things because many feel they want that to develop into something more but they're not sure what , thoughts often start about transition .

I guess you've got to start feeling good about yourself, maybe it's time to take a trip and clear the cobwebs.

Ihad a bad time in my forties but you do get through it , annoyingly it came back in my sixties but this time I knew how to deal with it, , I turned to counselling and found the forum.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Mandy, Lauren's advice seems the most relevant to me.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? It sounds to me as though you're depressed. All the symptoms you mention point to this, in my opinion.

My own experiences with therapy taught me that finding the right therapist is key. Avoid any religious connection, seek highly qualified professionals who are familiar with gender dysphoria (though I don't think GD is really the central issue for you), and be prepared to travel to see them: the right one is gold, the wrong one can even be harmful. You might have to try a few before one clicks.

As Lauren says, you're going to need to dig deep if you're going to change, but you most definitely can change- it is never too late. You can get past these feelings, you can move on.

In the meantime, 2 simple things you can do each day that will help you feel better about yourself:

Keep a bottle of water in the refrigerator. Not sugar/carbonated- just plain water. When you find yourself opening the door, take a few slugs of water- it provides an instant sensation of satisfaction and fulness, and often you'll find yourself closing the door and walking away.

When you find yourself thinking negatively, jerk yourself out of it by going straight to the front door and going for a brisk walk. Don't get sidetracked looking for the right sneakers, just walk- quickly enough that you get seriously out of breath.

The point of these exercises is to snap you out of existing habits. You can shake things up further by altering your routines in unusual ways, and perhaps your wife might find this fun? She certainly sounds broadminded!

Above all don't imagine you cannot change, you can. I think it starts with letting go...

Hugs, Nikki

[Rachelakld]

For decades, I thought of myself as a big cuddly bear and my body tried to copy the image, especially with the "big cuddly" part of my mental image.
Just prior to my 40's I forced myself to think of myself as being a pantha (the cat, not the tank). The new mental picture gave me the drive to exercise and very soon after my body started copying my mental image.
So for me, I changed how I saw myself and my body responded to my thoughts.

[mandy_may]

I appreciate all of the replies. My relationship with my wife is fine, albeit different. However we never expected it to be the same. Without turning this thread toward polyamory, my only comment is yes, I miss our other partner. It's tough to lose a strong relationship and part of my trouble was getting myself closure and moving past it. I'm as over it as I will ever be, understanding the relationship will forever be a part of my life.

Yes, I am making lifestyle changes as I can. But in the meantime I still want to get my groove back. I appreciate the comments by Dana, Nadine, and Rachel. I have always been that cuddly bear guy and it's a big part of my persona. Changing that image is more than just my weight, it's also the perception of the people around me. It gets in your head for sure.

I know many of us go through ebbs and flows with our dressing. This is probably the longest ebb I've experienced. Right now, it's about what I see in the mirror. Why don't I see a big beautiful woman? I wonder why we are so tough on ourselves about size? The size acceptance movement is gaining steam for GGs, but it still seems that transgender women are chasing the more elusive thin figure to be more feminine. Sometimes I just want to step out as a woman but am mortally afraid of being ridiculed for being a crossdresser and overweight. I understand why women get discouraged when all they see are thin perfect models.

Sorry this degenerated into a rant. Thanks everyone for listening and for the support!

Mandy

[Sometimes Steffi]

Have you considered the possibility that you have low T (testosterone). Some of your symptoms indicate it. But, I'm not a doctor. Your doctor could test for low T, and prescribe T patches if warranted.

[Pat]

Hi Mandy -- My first bit of advice is to be forgiving of yourself. Acknowledge that your weight went up but don't assign blame. Acknowledge that your relationship changed but look to your future not your past. Disentangle your identity from your work -- leave the work at work. Accept that changes happen slowly. Allow yourself months or years and recognize that all you need in any given day is just incremental forward progress -- you don't have to (can't) fix everything in an instant.

I remember hating the fat man in the mirror. In my case, discovering, accepting and finally embracing the female aspect I had been suppressing helped me find a way past that. Your path might lie that way, but keep in mind it's OK if it doesn't. Stay flexible. If your depression is clinical rather than a figure of speech, it would be good for you to get help. Some people can dig themselves out by strength of character alone but to me it's like walking from Boston to LA -- there are so many easier ways to get there, why not take advantage of them?

Good luck.