Hi All! I'm struggling and have no one to turn to who would understand what my partner and I are going through and I, personally, have NO one whom I can confide in as I've tried in the past and was not met with any support or acceptance for myself or my partner, who is a closeted MtF CD. I've recently joined this amazing online forum and see a community that is fully supportive of not just the Cd but of the families, too, and I need support so I can be the best partner to my SO because I feel like I'm failing at this so.. Please any and all feedback is welcomed! Also, please pardon me if I am not using the pc "terms" as this is all- new to me, too.
Here's my story-
My partner came out to me pretty early in to our dating relationship so his desire to cd has been something I've known about- no surprises there. We are both sexuality adventurous and even early on, I cared deeply for him, and accepted his "fetish"- as he refers to his cross dressing as. He identifies as a heterosexual male and enjoys dressing as a woman(lingerie, wigs, hosiery, etc). We would play together, I even did his makeup for the first time, and while I enjoyed our play time, I had a hard time understanding who this woman was that he would evolve in to and understand what my role was,sexually, as it seemed very- one sided. I felt like it was creating a lack of intimacy and he wanted to play more and more. I became resentful of the cross dressing at that point because I felt like I was losing- him. To clarify- he has no desire to transition but it brought up a lot of my own insecurities and I also didn't understand his fascination with TV's or wanting to have relations with "gurl". Following a brief separation, he agreed that it had caused problems in our relationship and decided to "purge", however I was skeptical as I knew what a "release" it gave him from stress.
Fast forward to present day- within the last couple months he was forthcoming to tell me that dressing up is just something he can't give up and he wanted that to not just be something he does alone but together. I love him and accept that is a part of him and who he is, therefore, I need to try again, which we did. As a way to show my support, I went shopping and bought him his own sexy outfits and lingerie as I had realized one of my limits is him taking my lingerie, my clothes, my makeup and- I knew how good it made him feel. We dressed up together and had fun together, however, it has now come to a point that that was all he wanted to do when we were intimate and I, being a heterosexual female, have a hard time connecting sexually with "her". I also feel confused because I have a hard time trying to differentiate as where "he" ends and "she" begins(does that make sense?) I'm having a hard time knowing what my "role" is when we play and it started feeling very singular(when he is in role as she- we watch a lot of porn and talk a lot about our fantasies, not as much.. Connecting physically)when I was looking for a- connection with my partner as "he".
I also found out that while on a recent business trip, he had reached out to a TV escort via text and sent pictures to her, not sure of what. I don't think it went any further but- I'm angry and resentful but not had the guts to bring it up to him because I'm scared of what the answer is and id rather not know. In the meantime, there have now been 3 times we've tried being intimate when he's dressed up and things just got awkward- even more awkward when he took his clothes and went in to the other room and spent the remaining part of the night dressing up alone, etc. I've never felt more rejected. I left like she was the only priority and then felt bad the she felt disappointed because she bought new forms and shoes(this was new news to me as I saw away on a trip and couldn't account for a lot of missing money in our account) And lastly- The last time we were intimate, I didn't know he wanted to dress up and play and couldn't figure out why he wasn't in to it...he never made it clear that's what he had in mind for our evening alone(we have 3 kids). When he told me he was hoping he could dress up, I felt devistated and couldn't understand why he didn't want to just- be with me.
I'm at a loss. I want to support him and am open to having him be..her.. But also want to still feel included myself. It almost feels like he brought another woman in to our relationship and I just can't compete with her?!! I told him I accept him. I support him. I support him as her. I asked him if we could just discuss having some basic "guidelines" or "rules" so we both knew what the others limits are and he was elated, however, I've tried bringing it up several times and he was just unresponsive. Several times he said he just "wouldn't do it when I was home of while out on business" but/ I'm not ok with that. I don't want him to hide it or feel like he needs to be side he doesn't and I'm open and want to play. I just don't want it play all the time or have him expect to play and then disappointed if I'm not in to it that night.
Does ANY of this make sense?? I feel like I'm going crazy trying to figure it all out. I and want to be a loving supportive partner to him and make sure HER needs are met and make sure his fantasies and desires are fulfilled but feel like I'm failing miserably and- my own needs are not being met. We're both hurting and I feel very alone. I imagine he is, too. I just don't know how to get through to him! Since that incident things haven't been the same and I so desperately want to get back on track together.
Sorry if it's all a jumbled mess, it's just so much to explain and some of it I don't even understand a lot if it.
Does anyone have/had a similar experience? How did you handle it? What was the conversation, how did you establish limits that worked for you both? Have your relationships initially suffered when bringing that aspect to the relationship? What is the correlation between dressing up and his attraction to tv's? How can I better approach him or show him support??
To anyone who took the time to read this- thank you.