Supportive SO of CD needs help/advice!!

[Babyblue1984]

Hi All! I'm struggling and have no one to turn to who would understand what my partner and I are going through and I, personally, have NO one whom I can confide in as I've tried in the past and was not met with any support or acceptance for myself or my partner, who is a closeted MtF CD. I've recently joined this amazing online forum and see a community that is fully supportive of not just the Cd but of the families, too, and I need support so I can be the best partner to my SO because I feel like I'm failing at this so.. Please any and all feedback is welcomed! Also, please pardon me if I am not using the pc "terms" as this is all- new to me, too.

Here's my story-

My partner came out to me pretty early in to our dating relationship so his desire to cd has been something I've known about- no surprises there. We are both sexuality adventurous and even early on, I cared deeply for him, and accepted his "fetish"- as he refers to his cross dressing as. He identifies as a heterosexual male and enjoys dressing as a woman(lingerie, wigs, hosiery, etc). We would play together, I even did his makeup for the first time, and while I enjoyed our play time, I had a hard time understanding who this woman was that he would evolve in to and understand what my role was,sexually, as it seemed very- one sided. I felt like it was creating a lack of intimacy and he wanted to play more and more. I became resentful of the cross dressing at that point because I felt like I was losing- him. To clarify- he has no desire to transition but it brought up a lot of my own insecurities and I also didn't understand his fascination with TV's or wanting to have relations with "gurl". Following a brief separation, he agreed that it had caused problems in our relationship and decided to "purge", however I was skeptical as I knew what a "release" it gave him from stress.
Fast forward to present day- within the last couple months he was forthcoming to tell me that dressing up is just something he can't give up and he wanted that to not just be something he does alone but together. I love him and accept that is a part of him and who he is, therefore, I need to try again, which we did. As a way to show my support, I went shopping and bought him his own sexy outfits and lingerie as I had realized one of my limits is him taking my lingerie, my clothes, my makeup and- I knew how good it made him feel. We dressed up together and had fun together, however, it has now come to a point that that was all he wanted to do when we were intimate and I, being a heterosexual female, have a hard time connecting sexually with "her". I also feel confused because I have a hard time trying to differentiate as where "he" ends and "she" begins(does that make sense?) I'm having a hard time knowing what my "role" is when we play and it started feeling very singular(when he is in role as she- we watch a lot of porn and talk a lot about our fantasies, not as much.. Connecting physically)when I was looking for a- connection with my partner as "he".

I also found out that while on a recent business trip, he had reached out to a TV escort via text and sent pictures to her, not sure of what. I don't think it went any further but- I'm angry and resentful but not had the guts to bring it up to him because I'm scared of what the answer is and id rather not know. In the meantime, there have now been 3 times we've tried being intimate when he's dressed up and things just got awkward- even more awkward when he took his clothes and went in to the other room and spent the remaining part of the night dressing up alone, etc. I've never felt more rejected. I left like she was the only priority and then felt bad the she felt disappointed because she bought new forms and shoes(this was new news to me as I saw away on a trip and couldn't account for a lot of missing money in our account) And lastly- The last time we were intimate, I didn't know he wanted to dress up and play and couldn't figure out why he wasn't in to it...he never made it clear that's what he had in mind for our evening alone(we have 3 kids). When he told me he was hoping he could dress up, I felt devistated and couldn't understand why he didn't want to just- be with me.

I'm at a loss. I want to support him and am open to having him be..her.. But also want to still feel included myself. It almost feels like he brought another woman in to our relationship and I just can't compete with her?!! I told him I accept him. I support him. I support him as her. I asked him if we could just discuss having some basic "guidelines" or "rules" so we both knew what the others limits are and he was elated, however, I've tried bringing it up several times and he was just unresponsive. Several times he said he just "wouldn't do it when I was home of while out on business" but/ I'm not ok with that. I don't want him to hide it or feel like he needs to be side he doesn't and I'm open and want to play. I just don't want it play all the time or have him expect to play and then disappointed if I'm not in to it that night.

Does ANY of this make sense?? I feel like I'm going crazy trying to figure it all out. I and want to be a loving supportive partner to him and make sure HER needs are met and make sure his fantasies and desires are fulfilled but feel like I'm failing miserably and- my own needs are not being met. We're both hurting and I feel very alone. I imagine he is, too. I just don't know how to get through to him! Since that incident things haven't been the same and I so desperately want to get back on track together.

Sorry if it's all a jumbled mess, it's just so much to explain and some of it I don't even understand a lot if it.

Does anyone have/had a similar experience? How did you handle it? What was the conversation, how did you establish limits that worked for you both? Have your relationships initially suffered when bringing that aspect to the relationship? What is the correlation between dressing up and his attraction to tv's? How can I better approach him or show him support??

To anyone who took the time to read this- thank you.

[Eryn]

I have a limited time to write this response, so I'll hit the high point.

The first issue to be addressed is the escort. To me that is a show-stopper.

[Jenniferathome]

...I also found out that while on a recent business trip, he had reached out to a TV escort via text and sent pictures to her, not sure of what. I don't think it went any further but- I'm angry and resentful but not had the guts to bring it up to him because I'm scared of what the answer is and id rather not know. ....

Blue, you SHOULD BE angry and resentful!

You write that you want to be supportive, but what you wrote tells me you are more than supportive. You have allowed your husband to change your relationship from a partnership to about him only. You can be supportive AND be an equal partner in the relationship.

1) You MUST, must talk about the escort issue. If that is outside your agreed relationship, tell him.

2) You have to set some boundaries with which you are comfortable. Those boundaries can change over time. Talk about them frequently. One boundary might be dressing every day or sex while dressed.

3) You have to talk about the sex while dressed issue. Why does he need that? What do you need? Talk.

In the end, you seem to be taking anything and everything from him but that's not partnership. Discussion is the only way to get to even ground.

Best of luck

[Tina_gm]

High and welcome to the forum. It sounds to me that his Cding is at least very fetish oriented. Does he ever like to CD without it becoming sexual? Would you be ok or more, or perhaps less comfortable if the CDing was not about intimacy and just about everyday doing whatever stuff? I would agree with others who have a problem with the escort thing. That was a breech there, unless that is something you two have worked through, or you are ok with. I would imagine from what you have said, that type of activity should not continue, even if it is only some fantasy that never gets played out.

I would continue to push for more communication and do not be afraid to have your feelings be known and have your own set of circumstances be put in place that allow you to be comfortable and happy in this relationship. You are an equal 50% of this relationship, so your needs are every bit as important as his.

[Lori Kurtz]

Welcome to this forum. I hope the men and women here will offer you some good advice and support.

You're a generous, understanding, considerate person, and you give a lot to your partner. It looks to me like he doesn't offer as much to you as you do to him. Keeping score isn't my point, really ... and yet, you do have the right to feel that there is some equality and fairness in your relationship, don't you? I'm a fetishistic crossdresser, but my dressing up was never a part of my relationship with either of my wives. I would have been thrilled to have a woman like you, and it sounds to me like your husband's energies are going a little too much into his own pleasures and not enough into showing his appreciation and caring for you. One thing I often suggest is professional counseling when complicated situations like yours arise. You need a therapist who is experienced in gender issues. I don't know whether individual or couples counseling would be best for you. Maybe you would want to pursue both approaches. An important question for you to answer is, are you getting enough out of this relationship to justify all you put into it? I know I was not a good husband to my first wife, and my dressing was one of the reasons for that. My experience in that marriage showed my how some of us "gurls" can be so wrapped up in our own needs and pleasures that we lose sight of our partners' needs. You are entitled to look out for your own interests, and doing so does not make you a bad person. I wish both you and your partner the best.

[Holtzman83]

I also found out that while on a recent business trip, he had reached out to a TV escort via text and sent pictures to her, not sure of what. I don't think it went any further but- I'm angry and resentful but not had the guts to bring it up to him because I'm scared of what the answer is and id rather not know.
...
(this was new news to me as I saw away on a trip and couldn't account for a lot of missing money in our account)

You really need to bring these things up. Pick a time that you think is good and just do it.

I asked him if we could just discuss having some basic "guidelines" or "rules" so we both knew what the others limits are and he was elated, however, I've tried bringing it up several times and he was just unresponsive. Several times he said he just "wouldn't do it when I was home of while out on business" but/ I'm not ok with that.

He needs to discuss these guidelines with you. Do you think he'd go to couples counseling to work on communication?

Does ANY of this make sense?? I feel like I'm going crazy trying to figure it all out.

Some of this resonates with me. And I've been there in the "going crazy" realm not knowing what it all means cause my partner was shutting me out.
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...it-out-there-)

My husband & I went to counseling and started a journal together since both of us found communicating in writing easier. And now we have weekly "check in" sessions. We are in a really good place now. We got through the stagnated communication.

You have to get your husband to talk to you. And it sounds to me like you need professional help to mediate those conversations.

It also sounds like your trust is broken. He needs to understand it's his job to repair that trust and show you he still cares about your needs.

When I found out my husband was unfaithful and hiding things I was halfway out the door. Been there done that. No thank you. But unlike my past relationships he made an effort to show me he cared about my needs and fixing what he broke. My husband is Catholic and started going to confession regularly. (I have mixed feelings on that but it helped him at the time. So I'm not gonna knock it.) He took the iniative to find a counselor. And then a different counselor when we didn't like the first one. He bought and started our letter journal. This might sound silly but he also planned a weekend trip around things I'd said I wanted to do for a long time. It was through these efforts and more that I decided he really was just having a hard time sorting himself out and had been grasping at "easy fixes." And he is well aware I walk if he even thinks about bringing a rival for my intimacy into our relationship again.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I hope you are able to cut through all the confusion. And Take a moment and sit down by yourself and think about what you need and what you are willing to do for you and your family. But I honestly hope he shakes himself out of it.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi, Babyblue. It makes total sense. My wife and I are now in a good place, but early on, I pushed the boundaries, and she pushed back. Here is an older post: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ack&highlight=

Then, this: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...DT!&highlight=

Subsequent to that post, there were some ups and downs over the years. We've settled into a compromise. I stop shaving my body and dressing completely from Apr-Oct. Total normalcy, for her and the kids. Believe me, the desire to dress is there, but so is my love for her and the desire to keep our marriage and family intact.

The relationship has both suffered and benefited. Sex is better, especially during the periods when I can dress, but I know she wonders what turns me on more--her or what I am wearing. For me, it's a combination--I find it taboo and erotic to dress as a woman with her. But it's also restrictive and frustrating, because while the lingerie, clothes and heels don't bother her, she doesn't want to see me in a wig and makeup. I would love to share those experiences with her, and for her to coach me, but for her that's crossing a line. Out of respect for her, I haven't pushed the issue, but I'm hoping her view will soften with time.

As far as attraction to TV/TS images...what I can share is that for many of us, there is some stimulation involved in seeing an attractive woman, while knowing she is really like us, male underneath. I'm not speaking for all of us, but it applies in my case. I'm also not talking about some of the crude TV porn out there, where an obvious hairy male is dressed in trashy women's clothes. I'm referring to smooth, feminine CDs who look extremely convincing when dressed as classy women wearing stylish clothes and heels. It's a combination of admiration and jealously for their ability to emulate women so well, and the natural attraction to beautiful women. In my case, an added thrill is to look in the mirror and see myself looking somewhat feminine (albeit from the neck down) with my gorgeous wife--and even more so if we are wearing the exact same items of clothing. I'm not sure how that erotic fetish became so powerful for me. Everyone's different, but some of these same feelings may be driving your SO.

I'll admit that I have corresponded with others like me, and on one occasion I went to a famous TS bar on Vegas out of curiosity (not dressed--in male mode), and chatted with some TS girls, but I have never been unfaithful. I went there not to link up, but to observe and interact, just because I had never met a TS woman IRL before. I love my wife and would never want to hurt her, and given that nothing happened, I chose not to tell her about that.

I suppose only you know what you can tolerate. To better support him (her), I'd play it cool, and offer fashion tips, help and share the experience. Take her shopping and guide her to adopt a style. Help her with some feminine experiences.

You sound like an amazingly supportive person. I'm sure you will figure it out, and I wish you the best.

Gretchen

[Teresa]

Blue,
It is turning into a one sided relationship, he is taking too much without any considerations for you, I'm on the other extreme and me wife doesn't want to know, so It's hard for me because there isn't any support that you are offering to your partner. None of us like rules but you have three children to consider and so does he, you and the children should be his priority not his dressing. He has got to start being honest with you and tell you straight about what he wants from his Cding. You have to build some ground rules whether he likes it or not, he's not a child but he's allowing you to treat him like one and get all his own way. If you go shopping again tell him no more sexy wear, if he wishes to dress as a woman he dresses accordingly, if he wants the sexy stuff tell him to buy his own , but it's not going to happen in the bedroom all the time.

Cding can work and you're giving it every opportunity to do so, but he has to be fair with you and respect you as a woman, he does sound as if he has to talk to someone at some point before he gets totally out of hand .

[Sarasometimes]

You can get a lot of good input here, but also consider the GG section where only genetic women, SO's of cder's reply. You don't say if you are now married or not but either way the escort thing needs to be fully explained because there could be health implications and much more. You need to keep feeling good about yourself. There is a saying, "Don't mistake my kindness for weakness." and you need to get him to work to meet your very reasonable needs and wants or send him off to the escort to deal with. Be safe, be strong!

[Dana44]

Babyblue, First get a hold of yourself, you are a worthy person. I am a gender fluid CD and rules are necessary in a relationship. There are times my SO needs me to be male for a while. So I try to accommodate her as I love her. But I do struggle with my feminine side as it is getting more powerful. But I also understand my male responsibilities. He needs to listen to what you have to say. You are half of the relationship. Your needs need to be taken into consideration and wow kids well they need to be fully supported by both of you. Perhaps you need to stand up and communicate with him/her to come to a reasonable living environment. It takes a lot of communication and if he wants to include you then your thoughts are very important to put on the table. When my SO and I dress to go out, I make sure that I tell her she is pretty and beautiful. She says I look good, but I tell her yeah, but I am a man and could never ever be a woman like you.

[ReineD]

First, welcome to the forum! I'm a GG (genetic female) like you. Second, my apologies for the long post. Although each of my responses are short, I'm responding to a lot of different things you wrote and this takes up a lot of space. Anyway, I'm afraid I've got a rather stark view on your situation. Hopefully I am wrong, and so you should read my post with the view of making an appointment with a sex therapist to discuss it all with them. My focus here is on sex, since this is what I perceived you focused on in your post.

My opinion: the two of you have become sexually incompatible. This doesn't tend to be a big deal the older a couple is ... emotional bonds between couples tend to take on more importance than sex as we age, for example many couples past a certain age have little or no sex, or their physical contact is mostly of the affectionate variety like cuddling, yet the partners are deeply devoted to each other.

If you are younger and a strong, mutually satisfying sex life is important to you (where each partner is into the other partner and it shows), I question whether you can have it with your SO under existing circumstances. It doesn't appear that he is wired for your old way of having sex anymore, in my opinion. So the challenge will be on how to make the two of you sexually compatible again.

I'm having a hard time knowing what my "role" is when we play and it started feeling very singular(when he is in role as she- we watch a lot of porn and talk a lot about our fantasies, not as much.. Connecting physically)when I was looking for a- connection with my partner as "he".

You want the connection with the "he" because in the past you felt that the "he" was into you as much as you are into him. And now you perceive that the "she" is into herself. But IF your husband, while dressed, was just as much into you as you felt he was before (if there was as much focus on your pleasure as her own), then would it really matter what he wears when you are having sex? Unfortunately, by your account it looks as if your husband has so far been unable to accomplish this while he is dressed so he needs to be made aware you feel left out and he needs to work on this if he can.

he took his clothes and went in to the other room and spent the remaining part of the night dressing up alone, etc. I've never felt more rejected.

Right. It would have been better if he had stayed in the room with you and explained what he needed from you.

The last time we were intimate, I didn't know he wanted to dress up and play and couldn't figure out why he wasn't in to it...he never made it clear that's what he had in mind for our evening alone(we have 3 kids). When he told me he was hoping he could dress up, I felt devistated and couldn't understand why he didn't want to just- be with me.

Right. I understand your feelings.

Question: when you are having sex with your husband in guy mode, is the experience more flat for him compared to when he is dressed and goes into his zone?

I'm at a loss. I want to support him and am open to having him be..her.. But also want to still feel included myself.

Assuming you are still referring to the bedroom, we all want to feel as if our partners are into us. This is a huge part of having mutually satisfying sex lives. But, your husband has now added a third entity into your sex lives. For the sake of sexual compatibility it looks as if the onus is now upon you to alter your sexual preferences as well to match his (see the articles below) - because it is very difficult to change sexual preferences once they make their appearance. This seems to be contradictory ... if your husband can no longer change his sexual preferences, then how can you be expected to change yours. But, maybe your husband can learn to place his focus back on you while he is dressed, rather than on the fantasy he goes into. Maybe he can learn to think of himself as a lesbian having sex with a lesbian partner (you). I'm just stabbing in the dark here and I think a consultation with a sex therapist might be helpful.

It almost feels like he brought another woman in to our relationship and I just can't compete with her?!!

You are not competing with another woman, but it is similar. You are competing with a third interest in your sexual relationship, which is your husband's sexual preference for the crossdressing and the zone it brings him into sexually. This isn't a different person, but it still is something that took sexual energy away from you and his part in it will be to find a way to return his sexual energy back to you, even if he uses my prior example to pretend that you both are lesbian in order to do so. But, whether you can be happy in a lesbian role is another question, this is up to you.

I told him I accept him. I support him. I support him as her. I asked him if we could just discuss having some basic "guidelines" or "rules" so we both knew what the others limits are and he was elated, however, I've tried bringing it up several times and he was just unresponsive. Several times he said he just "wouldn't do it when I was home of while out on business" but/ I'm not ok with that. I don't want him to hide it or feel like he needs to be side he doesn't and I'm open and want to play.

Many CDers don't dress for sexual reasons. They've separated the crossdressing from sex and are able to enjoy sex without it. I don't know why some CDers can do this yet others can't. Or, maybe sex has become unimportant for some of them and if they are married, it also is no longer important to their wives.

If you are speaking of dressing to just hang out together outside the bedroom, would your husband agree, and would he able to then leave it out of the bedroom and still feel as aroused without it?

I just don't want it play all the time or have him expect to play and then disappointed if I'm not in to it that night.

Right. Again, so far it looks as if he is no longer able to enjoy sex without the fantasy of being the woman who is pleasured by a man or another woman, or whatever his fantasy might be when he goes into that zone. This is the situation with any sexual preference (commonly known as fetishes), whether it is feet, porn, bondage, paddling, or anything really. A lot of people simply lose the ability to enjoy sex with another person without that extra stimulant and judging by what I've read, this is difficult if not impossible to change, once it reaches that point.

The ideal would be if you were as much into your husband dressed as he is. For example the ideal partner for a BDSM domme is a BDSM sub ... but each of these people would feel flat if they were partnered with someone who preferred non-BDSM sex. See the articles below, the ideal is to become sexually compatible again and hopefully a good sex therapist can help the two of you accomplish this.

I just don't know how to get through to him! Since that incident things haven't been the same and I so desperately want to get back on track together.

I don't think you can get back to the way things were, although again, I hope I am wrong on this. But from the little I've been able to read, no matter how much he loves you and feels emotionally connected to you, sexual preferences are what they are or have become, and I do believe they are difficult to change. The crossdressing and its associated sexual fantasies are here to stay. Maybe the sexual aspect of the crossdressing can lessen over time, but will this affect his overall libido when that happens - will he become less and less interested in sex if he separates the CDing from sex. This is a question for a sex therapist who maybe can offer techniques to prevent this, since none of us really know exactly what fuels your husband's libido.

Does anyone have/had a similar experience? How did you handle it? What was the conversation, how did you establish limits that worked for you both? Have your relationships initially suffered when bringing that aspect to the relationship? What is the correlation between dressing up and his attraction to tv's? How can I better approach him or show him support??

If the focus is on improving your sex life (you wrote about this a great deal), I'm afraid that a lot of couples in your situation decide there are more important things in their relationship than sex, for example mutual devotion, comfort, financial security (divorces are expensive and they dilute combined assets), and a deep sense of caring for the other person's well-being. The latter is something that tends to become a priority with aging anyway, among connected couples as their libidos wane.

Judging by the average age of participants in this forum, it looks as if the CDing often comes into its own in middle age or after, which again is a time of life when sex is not as much a priority for couples as it might have been in their youths.

As to the focus on TVs, as mentioned your husband needs to find a way to bring you back into the picture if he can, which it appears he has thus far not been able or willing to do.

But, all is not lost. I did a google search on what to do when partners' sexual interests don't match and there are some suggestions. They suggest the non-kinky partner should keep an open mind and try to become interested, or maybe the couple can agree to a poly-amory marriage where they each get what they need sexually. How would you feel about this:

http://www.vice.com/read/how-to-make...f-you-is-kinky

Here's a counseling service in Australia on the crossdressing specifically. They also suggest you should try to become as aroused by the CDing as your husband, although they don't mention what to do when the husband prefers to go into another room to dress by himself.

http://mycounsellingservice.com.au/2...ross-dressing/

And here's an older article from a sex therapist, explaining where fetishes come from and how to deal with them. The upshot is they need to be accepted (they cannot change), and the best a couple can do is to both be into it:

http://www.therapywithcare.com/Article_Fetish.html


So final suggestion ... do make an appointment to see a sex therapist.

[Babyblue1984]

Hi all! I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support and am deeply grateful that you have all taken the time to post your thoughts and opinions on the matter. For some reason I cannot reply to the thread(maybe due to the new-user restrictions, so I'm responding to Reine's post and hope you all can see.


I agree with many points that have been made-

- I do(and have since) brought up the matter of the escort)
- @Reine- you are right, we do need to evaluate if his need to CD has altered his ability to enjoy relations as "him" and seeing a counselor is probably a best way to help evualate that.

I have been having a hard time lately with his CD'ing lately knowing he had reached out to an escort. I couldn't get it out of my head thinking he'd shared that part of her life with an escort. I became very resentful and I suppose also passive aggressive in other areas of our relationship as a way of acting out.

There has been so much that has happened since this post but to "cliff note" everyone I'll highlight the main points-

I did try and have a convo regarding boundaries as I see from so many of the threads I read- just how critical establishing boundaries are in a marriage and to ensure no hard limits are being crossed. My initiations were shut down and no conversation had. On a recent business trip, he expressed wanting to have a "naughty night" and referenced several things that led me to believe it was more in lines of "me and him" not "her and I", however when I emerged from the restroom, she had layed out all her thighs on the bed and sat me down and asked to talk about what "rules and boundaries" I had in mind for when we played. My head started spinning and I felt so put on the spot. I asked her if we could talk about the rules on another night when she didn't have the night "set up" for what her fantasy was and was ready to continue the evening, however, sensing my discomfort- she put her things away and we both went to bed angry and confused.
She said, in anger, that she wouldn't bring "that part" of her life in to our relationship anymore? To which i reassured her that I still wanted that to be a part of our lives and never wanted her to deny or have to hide "her" but that was not the appropriate time or place to have that conversation and spring another night on me when the ONE AND ONLY limit I'd E per asked is that she tell me in advance if thats what the plan for the night would be and she said- she assumed I knew since she said she wanted to have a "naughty night"- which our naughty nights in the past entailed many different types of fantasies and role playing.

Following that trip this last weekend, things have changed and escalated. During a meaningless tiff, I let it slip hat I knew about the escort and things have spiraled out of control and we have been separated for the past several days. He swears it was only "dirty talk" and took great offense that I would think he would have relations outside of our relationship as we have committed to exclusivity, however, I feel like I'm losing him despite my efforts and willingness to be open, accepting, and have tried so hard to keep an open mind. I don't know if I should have had the conversation that night in the hotel. I just didn't want to say anything to alter her fantasy of how the night would go if it differed from what my "limits" we're that we would be establishing.

It has also been made clear to me that her CDing is heavily tied to "partying"- something I've been clear is another hard limit as she/ has taken a pledge of sobriety and has since broken, so- the plot thickens.

He asked me to meet today to talk about our relationship and indicated that "partying" will be a hard limit and is committed to sobriety.

I want to use that time to discuss, finally, what the limits will be in regards to CDing(he has never expressed the need to live full time as "her", just enjoys it as a means of stress relief and I feel like it helps him to be in touch with his feminine side when he is in role as "her"

So my follow up questions and what I e thought might be a good compromise are(please comment if this worked for any of your relationships)-

- was it beneficial to connect with other CD's as friends or- more... Outside of your marriage? If you did, what were the rules and boundaries? Or were there any?

- did seeing a sexual therapist help? The therapist I went to didn't seem to understand the CDing and questioned me for staying in the relationship despite the fact I made it very clear that's what I wanted.

- what rules and limits work well for you and your partners?

Thank you all again!! This has been so enlightening and helpful to me to understand how I can be a better partner and understand what she is going through. I just want her to know she is loved and accepted as she's always loved and accepted me. And- wish me luck today as I'm terrified but hopeful we can work through this!! ❤️❤️❤️

[CONSUELO]

Dear Babyblue,

First, welcome to this forum. I do think you will get a lot of good ideas and advice here and I hope it is helpful. I thought that Reine's reply was well thought through and I support her idea of finding a good therapist. Clearly the one you went to is of limited use and you need to find one who has wide experience of cross dressing as well as other sexually related issues. You mentioned almost in passing that there is a problem with abuse of alcohol, so it is a complex issue that you face.

Cross dressing or fetishistic transvestism is a very inward-looking condition in my opinion and you will need help in finding a way to work around this or soften it as much as possible so that your sexual emotional needs are met. In the meantime I hope that by looking up some of the older relevant threads you may be able to get some sense of balance.

[Babyblue1984]

Hi @consuelo yes, I do think it would be wise to seek counseling. I am going to try finding one in my area and see if my SO is open.

Regarding the alcohol abuse, my SO is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober from the drink but still on occasion has fun with other- uppers. I'm not sure what I'm allowed to mention regarding that in this forum, however, that does escalated "his" need to be "her". My SO refers to CDing as a "kink" and has expressed he feels so much freer since we've been together as she's been able to push her own boundaries and explore more,however, while that is true, it's beven difficult as it becomes very selfish and all about her. As my SO told me that 'partying' would no longer be a component of our relationship, he's become angry and controlling. I feel like the pressure of our life and kids is too much and dressing helped him destress, however, with it being so closely tied to partying and now he's vowing sobriety, I don't know where that leaves him and us.

I don't want him to deny who he is of lose "her" and I think it unfair to say he's giving it up. I just don't know what a reasonable compromise is.

[BillieAnneJean]

Guys have a different role sexually than women so they, not having to worry about the eighteen year commitment, traditionally have been less cautious. Put them in a dress and they still might have that mindset.

Tell him you need to talk. Tell him it is a serious talk. Get this fixed NOW!

Make him see your comfort zone. For you, make that zone smaller than your actual comfort level. So if he strays a bit, you won't be feeling out of control. BUT enforce the smaller limit. Because it is smaller than your actual, you will be able to deal with him with a sharp ind. But when he does stray, act like it IS at your limit. DO NOT be lenient.

Make him see your suggested results of his straying. Make it something like he does more housework or something like that. Taking away his CDing time or making him give it up for a month or two might just make him do something even more foolish. But set a red zone where if he screws up enough, he will NOT be CDing for a period of time. And set an explosion limit where if he reaches it, he has to stop altogether.

Think of it as work related training. Employees function better if they know what the limits and goals are.

[ReineD]

Your husband has IMO very high expectations, for example being offended when you assumed that contact with an escort service involved having had sex. How else were you supposed to take this. Still, "only dirty talk" or not, this was sexual energy taken away from you, when you both have committed to exclusivity. My impression is also that he is blaming you for wanting him to be clear ahead of time about playing in femme mode, especially since this is a relatively new addition to your sex life. And getting angry with you over the miscommunication when he could have made it amply clear, is again pointing the finger at you. Why didn't he simply apologize for not having made it clear.

he has never expressed the need to live full time as "her", just enjoys it as a means of stress relief and I feel like it helps him to be in touch with his feminine side when he is in role as "her"

Is he really getting in touch with a feminine side, or is he enjoying a sexual preference (fetish) that happens to involve women's clothing, which could merely be a way to engage in submission/feminization/sissification. Admittedly, "getting in touch with a feminine side" can take on many forms and as a modern woman, to me it means empowerment in day-to-day roles and activities all while celebrating femininity, without a sexual context. So when the "getting in touch" is limited to sexual play, this strikes me as just having a fetish for the things discussed in the article I link to. There's nothing wrong with this, IMO all fetishes (whether feminization, BDSM, foot fetish, etc) can be healthy and bring a spark of fun to a couple's sex life if they are both into it. But, when there are power plays and pressure tactics or when anger tactics are used to drive home a point, it becomes a negative in the couple's sex life. It's always good to negotiate a sex life in a spirit of collaboration, but not when it involves blaming, deliberate miscommunication, anger tactics, and deflecting accusations about having gone outside the relationship.

- was it beneficial to connect with other CD's as friends or- more... Outside of your marriage? If you did, what were the rules and boundaries? Or were there any?

It might be a good idea for you and your husband to find a TG support group that welcomes spouses. Not a kink-group for sex, but a support group. Ours meets monthly and involves dinner, a short business meeting, and either an invited guest who discusses topics of interest, or a clothing swap, or a talent night. We always have a wonderful time when we go and we've become friends over the years with the other members. The group also has outings occasionally for interested members, for example going to see a play and then dinner together, all while dressed of course.

- did seeing a sexual therapist help? The therapist I went to didn't seem to understand the CDing and questioned me for staying in the relationship despite the fact I made it very clear that's what I wanted.

Please don't give up on a therapist. Shop around and find someone who is familiar with the crossdressing as a fetish.

- what rules and limits work well for you and your partners?

No sexual energy of any kind expended outside our relationship. And mutually enjoyable activities in the bedroom. As to non-sexual activities, my SO and I have gone out together a lot while dressed. The only rule was that we would both leave the premises, should either one of us have become uncomfortable, no matter the reason, no matter who, no questions asked. We also agree on who should know (our LGBT and selected other friends) and not know (our families and friends/work associates). As to dressing just to stay at home there are no limits or no rules, but then my SO has little desire to dress just to stay at home any more.

This has been so enlightening and helpful to me to understand how I can be a better partner and understand what she is going through. I just want her to know she is loved and accepted as she's always loved and accepted me. And- wish me luck today as I'm terrified but hopeful we can work through this!! ❤️❤️❤️

Maybe I've been too harsh on you husband and if so, I apologize. Maybe it's just a question of adopting much, much better communication than he has done so far, if your husband is indeed willing to love and accept your struggles with the current situation. Still, he needs to start showing you that he is willing to work with you, without adopting an "all or nothing" attitude, without going outside your relationship, without resorting to anger tactics.

And if using mind-altering substances (no matter what they are) are causing him to lose control and judgment, he really needs to commit to full sobriety rather than just no-alcohol.

[TrishaTX]

as Usual Renee's advice is on point, and the other ladies also provided good feedback. I can only tell you my experience, because it sounds close to his. I grew up thinking you had to be masculine and heterosexual , period. Your were totally gay or totally heterosexual. As such, I hid so many things the pain inside grew until it overwhelmed me. Early on I always portrayed a very masculine side, married once, then twice, played all the alpha male roles etc...except I of course has the girl you see in my pic inside me. So before the internet , I started with adult book stores, and hiding in the shadows as they say. I introduced small pieces of women's clothes into the mix with different results, but when someone totally wanted me dressed ...It was the best.The internet came and of course that brought more possibilities , I came across more people meet and more clothes etc...still to satisfied. Why? Because the person I was with , was the one I hid things from. It all came out 5 years ago and of course we are still not perfect. I go to parties dressed with her knowledge and do some limited dressing in the room, but we both know, that I need total acceptance from someone...total! She is working on it and I am patient, but it takes allot of time and allot of honesty. I don't think she will let me be out there doing anything I want, but I will say today is better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before. I should have told her everything, but to be honest I didn't know everything(how many of us do?)...It is a journey, if you love someone, I say you try everything to keep it going. I see many other coulee with serious issues that play in comparison to wanting to wear a dress and act like a chick in bed. I do think he needs to scratch your itch as well.

Not much in the way of solution except to say , if you both want it to work it can...like any marriage/relationship.

[barbara gordon]

I went through a difficult divorce that was partly based on my keeping secrets of crossdressing , some years have passed . i now have a partner who i am totally out to. I told her on the first date . We go out together. I can dress at home openly If my kids aren't around . she buys me dresses and nail polish and all things girlish . And Lately in the past 2 or 3 years I have been going out fully dressed often , and I have met many other crossdressers and become friends in real time . My SO has met some of them with me or met them from my introduction. She encourages me to have this . We are both liberal and accepting of each other . Its a good arrangement to be open. But there are limits . She still wants to see the guy in me be there for her most of the time . And we both choose to be faithful to each other . It is a daily negotiation trying to find the point when I can be femme or when I can be butch. I watch for her signals ,or ask her directly if I am not sure . And she will tell me when I go too far . Its not too difficult to find these balances.

Still , With all of this, I realize and remember that part of the enjoyment of crossdressing for me "IS" or "WAS" the secrecy of it . I have been dressing up for most of my life . There was some habit and comfort in keeping a deep dark secret . I can't fully explain this . Maybe it is the privacy of a solo act , some kind of meditation or self therapy for stress relief . Also , there is admittedly Erotic and emotional relief .
. Despite the fact that I have pretty much free reign at home to dress up , there is still the need to keep part of it deeply private. There are times when I will dress at home quickly and quietly with out her knowing , And using a small amount of money -I can run into a thrift store , or the lingerie dept at a department store etc , buy a pair of shoes to get "that feeling" . But I can't find myself cheating on her .

It is a great gift to find an accepting partner . Crossdressing , and gender issues are complicated , but ,Even complicated People deserve to have meaningful companionship.

I hope that you two can work it out . Its worth it if you two can keep having fun TOGETHER ....Talk to your partner . Try to get into a fully open conversation . let it be an ongoing conversation . ask yourself if you can live with a person who has the duality of a crossdresser .
Ask him if he can be faithful to you . And can he see that He is already lucky to have you ,who has accepted him so much already .

[ReineD]

... to get "that feeling" .

I'm curious, what is "that feeling" specifically. What does it feel like and why is it important to feel this. Thanks in advance for your response.

[barbara gordon]

I'm curious, what is "that feeling" specifically. What does it feel like and why is it important to feel this. Thanks in advance for your response.

Dangnit Jim , I am a crossdresser!- not a psychologist!

"that Feeling".......... hmmm I think the definition of that is the most elusive question in my life. Maybe its adrenaline , or endorphins , or just a very good warm feeling. I don't really know what drives me to crossdress . I don't know what drives me to challenge and question my own physical and mental gender.....
When I crossdress , or even prepare to crossdress by way of shopping , or shaving my legs , or painting toes etc . It makes me feel great in ways that no other activity can deliver to me .

[ReineD]

Thanks for your answer. But, no other activity at all? Nothing else can elevate your mood like this?

[Teresa]

Babyblue,
I'm so concerned for you and how you're holding it all together with the children as well, it must be so frustrating when he's almost acting like one of your children, throwing tantrums if he doesn't get his own way. I'm not going to say it's easy for him but he has to get his priorities sorted out. His drinking appears to be a problem hanging over him , and hasn't fully come to terms with controlling it , and his dressing appears to be a release from that problem so his drinking is under control but his dressing isn't , he does sound as if he has an addictive personality and needs the support of props to get him through his life. Maybe he should he should consider counselling to get to the root of his addictive nature. Has something traumatic caused a problem in the past for him to need the support of a prop .

All I can say is you are taking too much pressure to keep your life in order he has to control his own needs and consider you and accept the responsibilities of married life, if he can't then he must be totally honest with you and leave, I've been there so I know eventually it comes to this, when that sobering thought stares you in the face the reality has to be accepted, he may then realise what he stands to lose .

[Babyblue1984]

Hi Ladies- I will say it again..you have all be SO, SO SPOT ON!! I joined this amazing community seeking help and sought to better understand my SO and have realized that the problems in our relationship are ones that cannot, unfortunately, be resolved so it's with a very heavy heart that I stand here today to tell you that we've decided to dissolve our relationship. As for me- I'm devastated. My heart bleeds for our children and I've found such strength in each and every one of you who has been so kind to take the time to invest your thoughts, experiences, and emotions.

I can honestly say that I have literally put my very all in to him, her, and us. I took your advice to heart and spent a lot of time considering how I could be more supportive, how I could make him feel more comfortable as her. I went shopping for her, I helped her dress up, I supported her when she practically ignored me and made a night of dressing up together about her instead of US(to clarify, I didn't expect every night to be about "us" but- when he becomes her- it's only about her". She was unapologetic about calling on the escort and still to this day. There are many things I can live with but dishonesty when we had a promise of exclusivity is a deal breaker- especially when it's happened more times than I care to share. Wether it was flirting with girls online through social media outlets, flirting with other women-literally in front of me this last weekend, and the final blow- he escort. In addition the financial stress of finding out she spend a considerable amount of money buying new forms, wigs, shoes, lingerie, and other items and failed to pay her car payment for 2 months was even more discouraging.

And, lastly, in a moment of total and utter frustration when arguing about the escort- what I failed to share was he attacked me..fully unprovoked. I still have bruises on my arms and a torn muscle in my back as a result. And then blamed me. I have to draw a hard line once the situation escalates to become abusive as I can only imagine what would happen should a fight escalate the way this did. All while my daughter slept in the next room. He became enraged when I made a snide remark about him having relations with a "t-Hooker"(which is a fact, however in hindsight, I believe he took my remark as a criticism of his sexuality when I now believe he has not fully come to terms with). I've fought for our marriage, I fought for our family, and I fought for him to feel comfortable to have time as her but he- is unwilling to fight and is now choosing to live in selfishness. I made it crystal clear that I wanted my s.o to continue dressing and tried so many times to discuss rules so we were both comfortable and ensuring our mutual needs were met but she is at a point that the only person who's needs matter is her own. I believe there is more to the story than I know or ever will know but the CDing is, I now believe, a substitute for alcohol and- per some comments my s.o made yesterday, I think he may be struggling as his CDing "fetish" as he refers to it is evolving and I think he's struggling realizing that the only way he can enjoy sexual relations now is as.. Her. Quite the conundrum we're in and now our children and family will suffer such loss as he has taken an all or nothing stance. I have asked to go to counseling together, I would have loved to meet other CDs together or even just her having other girlfriends that do so she feels acceptance and support but- my efforts have been in vain.

I want to thank everyone, again, for your love, care and support. You have given me strength, empowerment through your insight and experience, and reassured me that I have done the right thing for my partner in supporting her being- her. which is all I ever wanted but I cannot do all the work myself and I will not subject myself to abuse- mentally and now physically. 💔

[Lori Kurtz]

I am convinced that you are doing the right thing. It's a shame that your SO is so blinded by the pink fog as to not even realize what a generous partner and advocate he is losing. Best wishes to you, dear lady, as you open up this new chapter of your life.

[Desiree2bababe]

Sounds like he is chasing another "bird" when he already has you in the "bush". We would all be so lucky to have a mate so understanding, however I can relate to him as well. My wife would never "play" while I was dressed and Desiree desiring attention sought it elsewhere, with her knowledge I might add. That's been 25 or more years ago as my dressing desire waned with age and children. It was just recently that she engaged the idea I'd longed for way back when I thought I was attractive enough for a man and I shrugged her off, being quite scared, frankly, at relinquishing control to her.

Without knowing your husband, it's hard to give advice. To me, sounds like he is missing the boat by not sharing solely with you his secret. Back when I was dressing regularly, I suggested to my wife that I be the woman of the house during her "monthly cycle" but sadly she wasn't as understanding as you then. Did our relationship suffer because of my dressing, you bet it did. Correlation to dressing and TV's? I don't know other than he probably finds them sexually attractive which I too can relate.

You might suggest weekends away where the two of you engage in a little role playing sex. But from what you've said, it appears he has the issues, not you.

Good luck.