Anyone who is "different" has experienced some degree of guilt and shame, which is tragic in our case because it's all just someone else' projection of "what's right" on us. Cds are peaceful and tolerant, and the morons who villify us and ridicule us would never have the courage to do what we do. While we have no genuine reason to feel ashamed, I think it is a rare CD who hasn't been made to feel small by others...
When I was young I felt guilty, not particularly ashamed. I have no fear so I do things safely and this has me going through life nicely. But now with the stuff that is going on has me thinking on it. Do not feel ashamed and know that many of us are out here. I will still go out but be more aware and show no fear. We are who we are and be proud of it.
Part Time Girl
I just have to echo the other responses. To feel ashamed is normal. A man wearing women's clothing is outside societal norms and expectations. Most people try to conform to societal expectations. It took me a long long time to gain self acceptance and discard feelings of self loathing, disgust, etc. I've come to realize I'm wired this way. I also felt conflict for many years. Was I gay? Being gay back in the 1950's, 1960's and until relatively recently was not acceptable. And, any man who did wear women's clothing was deemed to be gay. That was a big source of conflict. How the heck could I be gay, when I really really loved women and what happily married and totally fulfilled with my wife? Total confusing.
So, the question becomes what do I do about this desire to wear women's clothing. As a self defensive measure against being shunned by society be careful who you reveal your desires. I (we) may be able to accept myself (ourselves) but there is still a desire to avoid hostility and ridicule. I get the feeling when I read many posts many many posters are comfortable with themselves being a man who enjoys wearing women's clothing, but, still fears the negative reactions that may occur from those around them. That to me is normal. That is why many of us seem to enjoy outside activities away from those closest to us, physically and emotionally.
Last edited by Stephanie47; 08-18-2016 at 10:39 AM. Reason: spelling
societal and religious pressures used to keep me in shame and self condemnation. that is until i learned that this is who i am and there is nothing that can change that. no amount of self-loathing, guilt, or shame. I saw a meme of Iggy pop in a dress and it says "im not ashamed to dress like a woman, because i don't think it's shameful to be a woman." i included the meme in this post.
It really struck a cord with me. Why would i think its shameful to be a woman? With out femininity there would be no beauty in the world.
A lot of indigenous cultures in america celebrated those who were not strictly male or female. They were often refereed to as "two-spirit" and were considered to be spiritual leaders. my favorite in history was named "finds them and kills them" or Osh-Tisch. she was a warrior and a spiritual leader in the crow tribe.
here is a link if you want to know more about her or two spirit in native american culture.
http://www.rejectedprincesses.com/princesses/osh-tisch
societal and religious views of gender a human construct. there is no shame in being who you are. once you learn to accept and embrace your self you can then be to be who you are. its easier said than done, i know. it takes a lot of time and work to break yourself of the shame.
Samantha,
You've got caught up on the labels, they translate as the same thing so use which ever you prefer.
Most of us have lived with the shame/guilt side of it, you say it's partly sexual that's usually where the problem comes, you're dressing to partly satisfy a sexual need. Please try and get over it, my T is still high even at my age so there is still a sexual element, my wife knows and accepts this .
Also as it progresses you will have to realise that it's not going away, you may get an ebb and flow but it always comes back, that doesn't happen with me it's with me the whole time , I've had to admit a great deal in trying to find myself now I just accept it's part of me , I was born like it so I've finally come to terms with it, yes I do now openly enjoy it.
If you need help in finding yourself try and take it, you can't and shouldn't live with being ashamed and guilty of something you can do nothing about. CDing can be fun and enjoyable, it's not weird , the more open you can be the more people will accept it.
Many of us have stories very similar to yours. You're not alone. You are who you are, and that's something you need to accept. Get some psychotherapeutic counseling if you're still having trouble with that. The fact is, you have a side to your personality that you can enjoy in a way that most so-called "normal" people can't. Like many of the rest of us, you're in a very exclusive sorority. Welcome, and embrace who you are!
Last edited by Lori Kurtz; 08-19-2016 at 08:39 AM.
Yes been there done that feeling shame, guilt, self loathing.... did it for 30 years. My generation certainly wasn't and still isn't accepting. Now at least there are places to go and more and more people who do accept.
It is normal to feel ashamed. It just takes time and some internal reflecting sometimes to realize you are just doing what makes you happy and you aren't hurting anyone. You're fighting a lifetime of a culture making it seem like it's so wrong, whether on purpose or not. But then it becomes clear that's based on absolutely nothing and if women can wear men's clothes, why the f*** can't we wear theirs. Have fun!
Ciao,
Scarlett
For me, the feelings of shame come and go. Sometimes I feel a feminine euphoria--the dreaded Pink Fog--where I am driven to dress, improve my appearance, and purchase new things, and in those moments I'm happy or even proud to be a CD/TG. That's when I feel emboldened to shop openly for women's clothes, dress in front of my wife, etc. Other times I am ashamed of the power this has over me, the time "wasted" on this obsession, and the amount of money spent.
Samantha, I'm not sure I am going to add anything new to this thread but I hope I can add a little encouragement.
Guilt and shame, as most others have already said, go with the territory - we've pretty well all been there. In my case it was there from the 1950s until I discovered, via the internet, that it wasn't just me - that was when I stopped feeling shame, I think. Talking to others made me realise I needed to "come clean" about it to my wife. That finally happened in 2001 and that marked the end of guilt for me. So in the following 15 years I have come to accept who and what I am and I am happy share it with anyone. The labels don't matter a jot to me - crossdresser, tranny, t-girl, whatever. I am not transgendered or transsexual - I have no desire to go through surgery but I will admit to occasionally feeling it would be nice to BE a woman.
I have learnt to re-assess my sexuality - I always said I was 100% heterosexual but I think that was a conditioned response to how the world was. I have t-girl friends who definitely turn me on and we play together. My preference is still for real girls but I am content to own up to a significant degree of bisexuality.
You are who you are; there is nothing to be gained by beating yourself up about that. There are lots of us out there - acknowledge who and what you are and get on with enjoying life. You only have this one life - it isn't a rehearsal, it's the real thing and we can get terribly bogged down with unnecessary feelings of guilt. Share it with the world, go out there and be yourself - most of the world couldn't give a flying f***. The fear is in our own heads, there is nothing of which to be ashamed.
It is easy for me to tell you to get out there and be a part of the world as Samantha - I've done it; so can you. The steps feel so big and scary but, honestly, they are not; as you look back on each step after taking it you wonder why the hell it took you so long. You may find family and friends can be hard to deal with but by "coming out" you are not turning into a different person - you are just, finally, sharing the whole, the real, you with them; no more guilty secret, no more living a lie - this is YOU and they'd better learn to live with that.
Good luck.
Michelle
xx
Michelle, When the fog hits me, I am more able to ignore fear and guilt, and shame, and go out many miles from where i stay. But, coming out to my sister, and brothers would be almost suicidal, and also people in the church i have been with. There are some people who know the male me, that i simply will not come out to. The guilt and shame trips would be never ending.
Alice, I can well understand that there will be some people where one might feel that disclosure is simply not an available option. I certainly have parts of Stephen's life where Michelle is not permitted to go. There are family members who know about M but have not, and probably never will, meet her - my parents, for example. I certainly wouldn't encourage anyone just to go telling the whole world in some cavalier fashion - there is always a need for discretion in order to maintain the peace, as it were. Judgement about who you can tell and who you can't is obviously down to individuals and their own situation but at least, having made such a decision there should be no additional shame or guilt in relation to those people.
I wouldn't say it's normal, but it's relatively common. After all, we grow up being told that to be anything feminine at all, is the worst possible thing a boy can be. So it's pretty natural that we'll feel at least at little bad about it, having been brought up that way for so long. Even after 30+ years of understanding that none of this is my fault, there is still a little bit of feeling like it's something that I should be able to resist doing if only I were enough of a man to be strong enough mentally to force myself to ignore those desires.Originally Posted by SamanthaDarling120
It never goes away. Maybe the next generation will be better off, but I somehow think that there are still a whole lot of people in the world that will continue to treat boys terribly if they dare cross the gender lines.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Pretty much what we all go through. It hits me most hard when it's been a while since going out.
After 15 minutes or so I'm smiling and looking at the woman in the rear view mirror.
Samantha, Samantha, Samantha.... You rock. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sure that you have received excellent advise from all of the above forum members. You found the right place to ask these questions. You did not share your age. But I am going to guess you are young. You are very lucky. It is the year 2016. Plenty of support for you. This website and other places to look for friendly advice.
No need to feel weird, We all have done the "act" as you call it. Once again I am not sure your age. I'm guessing late teens or early 20's. You will be just fine.
Stay in touch with us. And everything will be just fine!
XOXO Tiffany Amber Rhoads.
Oh just get your frock on and enjoy! Just be you. Stuff "guilt". Feminine/ masculine, they just come and go in waves for me, you get used to it in time, no biggie
It's complicated, then again it's simple ... where did I put that skirt?
As gender-fluid/non-binary, I use to feel ashamed many years ago. But, now, I'm actually very proud of my uniqueness and the benefits of having both a feminine and masculine spirit...lately, much more feminine than masculine.
I'll share an example of what I mean about the benefits of having a female soul, spirit & mindfulness.
As I've posted elsewhere, I recently transformed myself at a local wig boutique I frequent. I spent the better part of an afternoon there having the bangs trimmed on two wigs and learning how to walk lady-like in a set of heels while getting loads of constructive criticism back from the boutique SAs (both delightful cis-gals).
After returning home, I've been corresponding with the boutique as we arrange a future "gown photoshoot" that they offered to me b/c as the owner said, "we need to do something fun and we haven't done anything fun in quite a while."
Well, in one of the emails the wig boutique owner/SAs included the following and I quote, "You are absolutely fabulous inside and out , you have such a sweet spirit and a joy to be around." It just melted my heart to the core to read that. Notes like that affirm that I'm a much better human being for being gender-fluid/non-binary. If I was masculine alone I wouldn't be bringing nearly as much joy to others in this world of ours.
Nikki
Last edited by nikkiwindsor; 08-19-2016 at 07:07 PM.
Wearing my fuschia bodycon dress:
http://imgur.com/6WkdAts
For the first time, outdoors during the day:
http://i.imgur.com/RmjIxbY.jpg
You are not alone .... This place here was the best decision I ever made .... I shared my dress up time with no one ... Although I have been caught at least once , I have never opened up to anyone , until I started posting here .
This place started the healing .... Let the shame go
Samantha welcome to the club and have like you have many times.Tell you what it gets easier with time and as the years go by and you get older you don't feel ashamed, learn to accept what you can not change, you and me were born this way I feel it's a gift.In my opinion about you wanting to be with a trans woman check it if your not gay your not going to enjoy I think and only my opinion some guys that go after transexuals maybe might me a little gay and they don't know it.I think your attraction to transexuals comes from your desire of being the female role and maybe being TS.Gender identity is a vast subject and not one nor two are alike, just have fun and dress and if there is something sexual about so be it as long as your not hurting no one it's ok.
When I started dressing I admit it was more sexual but now I just love the feeling of soft sensual clothing against my skin. I go through the guilt cycles but they seem to be less frequent. At first I felt guilty about my feminine feelings but am now coming to terms. I have begun shaving my legs and chest regularly and am getting laser treatments to eliminate back hair. There is no better feeling than being clean shaven a cute bra and panty set either hose or stockings sexy pumps and a pretty skirt blouse or dress and full makeup to escape a stressful day.
I thought I knew myself pretty well but someone on this forum informed me this morning that I was ashamed of myself. I don't feel that way and I think the person was just trying to insult me for expressing my opinion when it didn't agree with hers.
We were all raised differently, we are all in different situations and relationships. As I posted above, we all feel shame at first because crossdressing is not socially acceptable but most of us get over it and go on with our lives and our dressing.
Hi Samantha, first you are not alone and there is a quite a large community here to understand and many of us have experienced what you are going through. As for feeling ashamed and guilty, I get it. What helps me is to rationalize through my guilt or shame and find that source of guilt. For example I ask myself, I am really doing something wrong or have societal values told me this is wrong or delusional? Am I seriously hurting someone through this expression? After all, being guilty is a response to doing something wrong. Also, for what it is worth, for many the sexual aspect does decrease overtime.
I think there is a chemical component to the shame and guilt many of us have experienced. When I was younger the need to dress would come over me and escalate to the point of near compulsion. It was euphoric and I LOVED it! Very drug like. Then I would have an orgasim and everything would come crashing down. I couldn't get out of the clothes fast enough. Then I would be overwhelmed with guilt, shame and self loathing. After a time I would normalize and the shame would subside. I felt crazy! I was always amazed at how different the world looked when I was in and out my girl mode. Again, very drug like. Now that I am a (youthful) 60 I feel almost none of the negative effects. Sometimes (not always) after sex with my SO I lose the need to dress, but I have NONE of the guild or shame.
Sorry for the ramble. All to say there is really nothing wrong with your feelings. Also, as my therapist always asks, what is normal? Normal isn't all or nothing, it's a bell curve. Go easy on yourself and enjoy the ride.
Hugs,
Katie
Last edited by Katie01; 08-27-2016 at 11:07 AM.
I've been through the guilt-shame bit but that was a long time ago, Once there was a cetain sexual element to it, now I just concentrate on looking as good as I can. I think my dressing has probably kept me sane, it controls what I eat, what I think, how I act and I see no shame or guilt in that. I suppose that every one of us has a different way of dealing with our desire to be feminine, the out and proud or those in the closet. Just a few minutes ago my gay son went out heading into Manchester for the Gay Pride event, he's not guilty about his sexuality and we shouldn't be either.
I felt guilty for years. Now I've begun to love myself and accept that this female expression is part of who I am. I think it's important to accept who you truly are and if you are in a relationship, having that person accept who you are.
I agree with DanielleLee, that once you accept yourself you will eliminate the shame. And believe me, crossdressing is way more enjoyable when you can dump the shame and guilt.
They/Them
I love dressing as a woman.
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