Finding the Courage to Go Outside

[Wierd Matty Makinen]

I’m certain that this is a topic that’s been discussed a thousand times over a thousand on this site.

What I would like to know is how everybody [or “anybody” I should say] can muster the bravery enough to confidently go outside and be themselves [or whatever the case may be, depending on personal situation] among the public eyes. I have a mild case of agoraphobia, which some might call paranoia [which would only be slightly incorrect], and I get heart palpitations and a headache just getting some groceries. I can’t fathom being “Matty” anywhere outside of my home.

As it says on the tin, I would just like to know how others can summon the courage to be among other people in their getup. Is it merely just a matter of practice, or is there some magickal snap-of-the-fingers thing to help? The tricks I employ to regenerate my positivity are too slow going to be of any assistance.

I only ask because for some months I’ve been planning a road trip for myself and a couple friends from high school days for this coming October, and it was my intention to “be Matty” at our destination, if not during the trip entirely. I know my friends are open-minded enough to accept my crossdressing [in spite of our lack of communication], but I’m not so sure about the rest of the world. I’m still terrified of everything around me; I’m tempted to purchase some precautionary measures, but that might be too much.

[Stevann]

The short answer is "JUST DO IT". Yes, you'll be nervous. But as you find out that most people won't even notice, you will build your confidence over time.

[Ineke Vashon]

"JUST DO IT" isn't always the right thing to do, like not jumping in the pool with your hands tied. Some of us can DO IT, even the first time, others, like myself, have certain mental challenges that requires a gentler approach. I understand your dilemma having had a period of panic attacks in years past. Go slow would be my suggestion, perhaps take Mattie 'stuff' with you and try to become Mattie away from home, perhaps in your destination hotel room and then perhaps in the hotel restaurant. If you have an understanding friend who accepts you, that would be a big plus.

Be kind to yourself, one step at the time.

Ineke

[danam]

I used to be terrified and thrilled at the same time. Then I finally went "all in" and had an entire day dressed with an escort for safety. Ironically, it completely overwhelmed my senses and it wasn't as exciting as my earlier, terrified, tip-toe dressing experiences. So I'd say to take it easy, take it slow. It's more fun to just do just a little at a time.

[Dana44]

Have no fear. The first time out is nerves that bother you but then it becomes easier and easier. But you must get in your mind that you are what you are and be proud of it.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Normally, I'd say it is just something you have to dive into and do, like learning to swim or ride a bike...

But given you suffer from agoraphobia, I would first address that, and then when you are in a better head space tackle going out en femme. Going out en femme for the first time can be pretty anxiety producing and you may not be able to handle it at this point.

[Nikki.]

Have you tried buying obviously women's clothing in guy mode, in person? That might be a toe in the water test..

[Wierd Matty Makinen]

Have you tried buying obviously women's clothing in guy mode, in person? That might be a toe in the water test..

I have, yes. I've bought a top and some underwear a couple months ago, in daylight. Just last week I purchased a sports bra at the supermarket. Because of my phobias, I only ever buy groceries late in the evening or very early in the morning [depending on work schedule]. The problem was that there were still so many people there milling about, perhaps a dozen and a half [yes, I consider that enough] that I was so flustered I didn't check the size of the article; I got home and saw that it was so small it wouldn't have fit a small raccoon.

[StacyCD]

One of my first times out was to a Trans group meeting (in Denver). There were very welcoming and non threatening. Prior to that I was only out in my home 'closet.'

[Lorileah]

probably should tell your friends BEFORE you go, they may not be as open minded as you think

[ChristinaK]

I agree, take baby steps like walking at night down a strip mall sidewalk or just driving around. Go through a couple of drive throughs. My first time was at a drive through and a strip mall. I was so nervous I thought I was going to expire, right there dressed up.

I also recommend running this by your friends first and not surprise them with it. Good luck honey.

[Nicole Erin]

It gets easier the more you do it. You will have good and bad days confidence wise. When people feel the need to laugh, those are the days that really test you.
But for the first time - Just go somewhere that is not likely to be riddled with pesky teenagers or riff raff.

How to get the courage to go out - I think there is some statement about when the need to do something outweighs the fear of failure...
Translation - eventually you will say "screw it, Im gonna do it..."

Now onto an observation -

probably should tell your friends BEFORE you go, they may not be as open minded as you think

Doesn't that icon pretty well match Lorileah's avatar photo? Boy am I asking for an ass kicking.

[Lana Mae]

Matty, I just had my first outing dressed(partially)! I do not have a wig or makeup. I did have breast enhancers on-size B cup. I walked from the house to the car. I drove a planned route with an unplanned ride thru a local park! I was seen by a few people...nothing! I was stopped by a flagman for a truck that was broke down...nothing! I drove home, walked in the house...nothing! Now this example may seem simple and uneventful but it was a boost to my confidence!!! Little steps as you are able but be sure to challenge yourself, too!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Krisi]

The way I did it was gradually. I didn't just get all dolled up and walk out my front door (I still don't)

I started by underdressing with a bra and taking my water balloon boobs (in a bag) for a drive in the country. Once I was away from town, I put the boobs in the bra and drove around.

Next, I did much the same except with a cheap costume wig and one of my wife's blouses. I drove and got out of the car in a mall parking lot and took some pictures.

To make a long story short, I eventually got the nerve to leave the house underdressed with all my "Krisi" things, drive to a parking lot, change into Krisi and drive to the city, get out of the car and walk around the tourist and business district. When I do this, I take photos and study them later to perfect my presentation.

I don't engage people in conversation, go to bars or restaurants, etc. I just walk like I'm going somewhere, sit in the park and read, etc.

And I revert back to Homer before I come back home.

[Helen_Highwater]

My early adventures out dressed entailed me packing my femme stuff into a bag, driving out to a quiet country road, changing and then driving around for a bit more until I found a stretch of road where I could park but see for a fair distance both ways. I'd then take short walks away from the car keeping an eye open for other cars approaching and diving back into mine if they did. I should say this was in the late evening. You can see headlights from a good way off.

The next significant progression was to park in a quiet residential area next to a park, again in the evening and take a very nervous walk away from the car and around the park. It sort of progressed from there in little increments until one day I was given the courage to take it further, parked in a retail car park, got out, put on my coat, straightened my hair, bag over shoulder and off into the nearest department store. Heart beating, tight of breath but that passed within minutes and I spent the remainder of the day going from shop to shop.

[Jenniferathome]

Matty, there is a kind of magic moment. When I gave up the notion that I have to pass as a genetic woman and, in fact, that I do NOT pass, going out became easy.

I'll add that when you can really believe internally that you just don't care what the normals think. Why do you care what strangers might think of you?

And lastly, I agree with Lorileah, tell your friends in advance.

[Michelle Girl]

Matty,

I'd been out to pubs and restaurants several times with other CDers before I ever went out on my own. Being accompanied gave a sense of safety. My first time out alone in the street - as opposed to driving while dressed - was in the middle of London during the rush hour in winter. Like Krisi, below, I wandered around business and tourist areas. At around 6.00 pm the streets were really busy, so I was walking in crowds, really close to others, especially when waiting to cross roads.

You mentioned that you get agoraphobia in crowds, so maybe this is not for you. The reason I mention it is that, paradoxically, the big numbers of people mean that you don't stand out. Unlike if you were to walk alone in a big open space. Everyone around me was too busy racing to the rail station or chatting on their mobile phone. I felt completely free to walk. Nobody stared. Being dark and very busy helped provide camouflage. Like Krisi, again, I didn't go in to cafés or bars. That's the next step up.

Michelle

[Wierd Matty Makinen]

probably should tell your friends BEFORE you go, they may not be as open minded as you think

You're absolutely right, Lorileah [and ChristinaK]. The more I’ve been mulling it over, the more it seems less like “three friends on the road” and more like I’m dragging them into my mad daydream.

I just called one of my friends to talk about updated information for the trip, and I was so close about telling him about my plan to crossdress, but I chickened out at the last millisecond. I left it as some vague, cryptic nonsense. I don’t want them to think I’m playing them for saps, but now I’m not so assured about the openness of their minds…

I know I'll have to do it eventually. The point of the trip, among other things, is to have fun, after all...

[Stephanie47]

I'm going to ignore the postings of "Just do It!" I think this forum went around that phrase in the past two weeks. I do agree with Lorileah. ALL of your friends may not be on board with (a) cross dressing, and, (b) enduring a trip across the country with a cross dresser all the time. Of more concern, if you have this phobia how are you going to be able to cope if the anxiety overcomes you?

As is evident from the many posts of this forum, you definitely are not alone with issues of venturing out into the world. The questions I asked myself were basically, "What do I expect to feel going out? What are the positives? The unexpected negatives? I am six foot and 200 pounds (gained five). I wish I was five foot seven. My self assessment would be totally different. For others? Maybe they would jump into it at all costs.

I first went out for evening drives in neighborhoods that offer minimal negatives. I "forced" myself to get out of the car for brief walks by returning library books to the after hours drop off slot. Or venturing across a parking lot to get a free newspaper from a distribution box, Or mail a letter in front of the post office. I have some favorite neighborhoods that I will drive to and take strolls in the early evening. If it is raining then so much the better to use an umbrella to obscure my face and to some extent my height.

Halloween is great! Halloween is on a Monday this year. Most clubs or bars will be having parties and opportunities to dress up all weekend. Maybe Friday you can be a little a cautious with your anxiety. Saturday a little bolder. Sunday bolder still. Monday? Hopefully by then you can fabricate a shopping trip to a store for beverages, extra pantyhose, food. Make a list of stores and items you would need to by. Walgreen's...makeup. Safeway....soda and chips. and so on.

Get the idea? I personally would not trap myself into a very long trip with too many variables.

[Shelly Preston]

Firstly a couple of things

I agree with telling your friends first. You have to know if the will be accepting of you being dressed on the trip.
The other thing you need to consider is once you have told them there is no going back.


As for going outside you will find it easier to take it gradually.

Stephanie is right about going for a drive somewhere particular to areas where no one will know you, build up your confidence.

Then you can think about a trip to a mall as long as you are happy with your presentation. If you have a GG friend who knows get her advice on what outfits work to let you blend in as muck as possible.

[Lorileah]

Doesn't that icon pretty well match Lorileah's avatar photo? Boy am I asking for an ass kicking.

Hadn't thought of that. But since you mentioned it

[TxKimberly]

I can remember being SO wrapped around the axle at the thought of anyone knowing that I was crossdressed.
I am just short of 51 years old, and one of my biggest regrets is that I wasted SO much time with that fear. If I could do it all over again, I'd be out there from day one.
I eventually had the courage to be out and about by a series of small steps, and indeed miss-steps. I think I started out by sneaking from my hotel room to my car, and then going for a drive. In the unlikely event that someone realized I wasn't a woman, it didn't matter - I was in a car and could be gone at will. I think at some point my hotel card key didn't work when I returned to the hotel and so I had no choice but to go to the counter and get a replacement. Much to my surprise, the world did not end, no one laughed, and the cross dressing police were not called in to haul me off. A lesson was learned, even if it was kind of forced on me.
Also, you can start off by going to friendly places - clubs that are accepting and likely to have TG's in them. It's a reasonably safe place to start getting comfortable with yourself.
More or less, the thing is that you just have to decide that you really don't give a shit what strangers think about you. Life is short - do you want to spend it making yourself happy, or would you prefer to spend it making sure that you don't ruffle the feathers of people that you dont even know?

[Majella St Gerard]

The first step is the hardest, I've been there. I'n my experience people don't really give a s**t, you might, no, you will get some looks but who cares. The main thing is to be right in your head, if you're worried and scared it will show. You need a I don't give a s**t attitude and if you got that it's easy. Don't try too hard and just be yourself. I went to a 2 stores today, one was ULTA for lipstick and I got complimented on my hair, the other, the supermarket and got 2 more compliments on my wig. And it wasn't even my good wig. Just do it, once you do it will be easier every time.

[redtea]

You could try starting small and working your way up. For example,

lv1 underdress in panties and bra
lv2 wear panties and a not so noticeable pair of womens jeans/pants
lv3 wear pants/jeans that are a bit risky
lv4 wear a shirt for the first time
lv5 now do 4 3 and 1 once you get comfortable with each
lv6 now add a pair of womens shoes and keep acting like its nothing
lv7 at this point you will have to cross the bridge as "matty" and go all out, Depending on where you live consider walking at night just to get the first time gitters out of the way. I have also read of many people driving in their car while all dressed up


i am currently not a 100% transform CDer though with a alternate identity so my advice is limited to just stealth dressing, But i do feel stealth dressing should be conquered first before going all out. You may notice how little the world cares about your womens jeans and feminine shirt, And that the big bad spotlight that we feared so much isn't actually there.

[Cynthia T]

My first time out was to a CD store nearby. Drove to the lot across the street, finished changing in car, then crossed street at light in front of stopped cars!
Last time out was at Pride parade, right down sidewalk with parade-watchers and cops even! Only reactions were approving.