A matter of time

[DIANEF]

Dinky, that day is coming. I always planned on telling my wife once the kids had moved on, well that day is now fast approaching. My wife and I get on well now after a number of ups and downs (unrelated to my CDing). Any revelation on my part could go either way and I really don't know which. It could split us apart which I'd hate but I doubt she'd find my dressing acceptable, maybe as much for the fact I've kept it a secret for so long as the actual dressing. But, its going to have to be done, soner rather than later.

[Dinky39]

For what it's worth Diane,what bothered me the most was the lies&the dishonesty. I wasn't overjoyed about the fact my husband liked to dress as a woman sure,but the lies were the worst. It seeps into everything. The buying of clothes,wigs,make up ect. Hiding all of it. The clearing of the history on phones. The outbursts due to frustration. The overnight stays in hotels for "work". Keeping your wife at arms length because of the shame. The lack of sex/intimacy for the same reason. Crossdressing is a selfish behaviour. But we got through it. We constantly communicate which wasn't easy for him initally having kept this secret for so long. But I didn't walk into this marriage to walk out of it so easily. There's been plenty hiccups along the way,it's not an easy ride. Cding doesn't define him though. He's more than just a man in a dress. And there's no more walking on egg shells. Which is a relief for both of us and indeed the kids as he's not so uptight and wound up. Good Luck to you.

[DIANEF]

Dinky, I have to go now but I thank you for your posts and advice. You sound like a remarkable woman who has had to put up with a lot. as of course have many other partners of cross dressers. I'm really hoping my outcome is similar to yours and your partners. Bye for now xx

[Dinky39]

Good Luck Diane,I hope it works out for you. Tell her everything,not half truths like my husband did at the start. I knew he was still lying through his teeth and it was frustrating. Like trying to get blood out of a stone.

[Gabby6790]

I think we need to take step back and stop judging peoples reasons for not telling or how damaging they are being to there partners. That is a really personal situation and I would bet quite a few ladies don't tell because they don't think will be accepted. Too me, that is more of a problem with the other partner.

I don't want to get into it all but I do see quite a bit of this closet bashing. Lot's of peoples relationships have lies in them. I don't see how a lie about how much a GG spent on her purse is any worse than how much a CD spent on her forms.

[Lorileah]

it isn't worse. But it is equal. And usually the "closet lie" isn't about the money, it's about keeping part of you secret that in reality is important to the relationship. If the lie was a CD who was out to their partner about how much one spent on forms, that would be equivalent to spending money on a "purse". But this is worse, this is keeping something from your partner that can, and usually will, effect the rest of their lives. Consider, if your wife was having an affair: important right? I know many will come back with "my CDing isn't an affair. No one else is involved" but yur spouse doesn't know that. They know you are sneaking around doing something. Now, make a list of what your spouse may be doing in YOUR mind when she z(or he) is sneaking around, hiding, going places you don't know, spending money clandestinely. What tops YOUR list...affair? Drugs??? They're gay???? We get it, you're ashamed of what you do so you hide it. But consider the feelings of your spouse (concept huh?). Now it's 10-20-30 years down the road, even if your spouse hasn't challenged you on it, something happens. Maybe your death. Maybe you're caught. How do they feel? Like "what ELSE don't I know?" Trust is lost. And trust takes time to build but no time to destroy. No matter what you do from hen on, you will be doubted.

We don't bash people for being in the closet. Those people don't have a bearing on us until they post something about getting caught. Or how their wife left them. Be in the closet. For 99.999% of the world it doesn't matter. For you spouse it DOES matter. The only other real issue with being in the closet is bemoaning how the CD community is misunderstood. Well, if you keep in the closet, you can't correct that now can you? Being silent doesn't get you equality.

[Cassiek]

Hello. I am kind of in the same situation as Diane. Wife who does not know kids the whole thing. Summertime with kids at home and wife at home give me very few opportunities to dress. With school fast approaching I once again will have the opportunity to get fully dressed including full makeup for a few hours a day to either lounge around or catch up on house chores. I applaud Dinky for her understanding and insight from a wife's perspective. When the day comes that I tell my wife I hope I can find someone like you to help my wife if needed. Finding this forum is becoming a very valuable outlet not only to begin talking about my needs to others and discover that there are many of us who have same worries concerns and wonderful experiences.