Psychotherapy-stuff is gonna get real

[Jacqueline1965]

Well after 10 years of depression and anxiety and just not feeling right I am finally getting myself into therapy. I am going to lay it all out for the first time to a professional. Shit is gonna get real! I need to know what I am? Just a CD or is there more to it than that. I need help sorting through all the conflicting feelings I am having. I have suffered three close deaths and a job loss over the past 10 months and have been more and more in the mood to crossdress...I am obsessed with being female...I think about it 24/7. Every time I see a decent looking female I want to be her...I also like women sexually but this is so different from that. I have other issues too but I think this is at the root of it all...it just confuses the hell out of me. I love my wife to death and the thought of doing anything that would hurt her in any way tears me up inside...she is incredibly supportive of me...but I still have tons of angst. Oh well thanks for letting me vent. I know I'm not alone...wish me luck on Tuesday.

Jacqueline

[jennifer0918]

Good wish you the best .Hope you find the answer to everything

[Suzanne F]

Jacqueline
Good luck and I know what you are facing. Tell the truth and give yourself a chance to find out what you need. We deserve to be who we are. I know how scary that is when our spouses are involved. I hope you find your authentic self.
Suzanne

[Rachelakld]

It's always good to have an experience sounding board and hope your therapist guides you in the right path.

[Marcelle]

Hi Jacqueline,

Nothing wrong with seeking out a therapist to deal with any issues we have. I would add that if your therapist is a general therapist she/he may not have experience dealing with transgender issues (not all therapists are created equal). My recommendation would be to ask her/him up front about their experience in this area. General therapists may have an broad understanding but little knowledge of the intricacies which may lead you down a pathway you are not truly meant for. Do your homework, find a therapist you are comfortable with and be honest with them as now is not the time to hide. Finally, if you are going there hoping the therapist will tell you that you are or are not "this or that", it is my experience that a good therapist will guide you but will not lead you in one direction or the other.

Good luck finding yourself.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Lori Kurtz]

Good for you. Be assured you have the support of many of your sisters here, from all across the gender spectrum. Best of luck to you, dear, and please keep us posted.

[Krisi]

Good luck, but remember the human mind is not an easy thing to figure out or fix. Not like a TV set or car transmission.

Personally, I think of therapists as someone you pay to tell you what you want to hear. Sure it's deeper than that but that's the basics. Do you want to be "cured" or do you want the therapist to say you need to transition? Or do you want to go back week after because he/she will let you talk and not judge you?

I was "sent" to therapy twice many years ago for different issues and I can't look back and see where it helped one bit.

[Teresa]

Jacqueline,

We do have so many things in common, it's almost like reading my life story.

I'm not sure why we have so much fear of therapy/counselling, it's to help us so what's the problem ?

Part of it may be if you're in a DADT situation and you may end up on a road that may be incompatible with your partner and family.
I must admit I had many of those fears and it did nearly end in separation , the main point after gender counselling was that I was close to TS but on the male side of the line, OK I have GD but it's not the end of the World, if you know most of the other facts at least you can come to terms with it . At least you stop going around in destructive circles , my family all know now and I'm out socially meeting other members of the TG community. I accepted a compromise to keep my marriage and family together, it's not always easy but at least they all understand what I'm living with.

I wish you all the luck in the World for Tuesday, I have to admit I enjoyed my counselling it was so good to talk and feel the layers falling away and the true person begin to emerge. The problem I had was my wife didn't want to know, I had the problem and it was for me to sort it. I guess I knew the basic answers but coming from a professional mouth carried more weight when talking to my wife and family. The problem I had was trying not to make my wife look like my main obstacle to my CDing, I kept hitting that wall and had to find ways to work round it. That's how I deal with my CDing now, she doesn't want to know, so I have to work round her, it's not ideal , I would prefer it was different, so there does remain secrets and the inevitable lies.

[Pat]

Personally, I think of therapists as someone you pay to tell you what you want to hear.

So you walk into the therapist's office and say, "I'm a serial killer. I was born that way. I don't want to stop killing because it's fun, but I want to feel better about myself." And you're thinking in return for a co-payment the therapist is going to say, "You're absolutely right." Or run the same scenario with a child molester or wife-beater or an alcoholic who just wants to feel better about his drinking -- you really think that the therapist is going to tell these folks want they want to hear?

[Krisi]

Yes, exactly!

Or maybe you're trying to be a smart a** and intentionally twist my words around.

Do you have something constructive to add?

[ChristinaK]

Jacqueline, I feel your pain. I too just started therapy. So far I'm very impressed.

I was told I really do have GD and that is creating issues for me. Like Teresa, my wife will not ever accept my CDing. Don't know if this is going to solve any issues, but it sure felt good to go as Christina and have someone to talk to about a host of issues.

Good luck with your therapy. I hope they can help.

[Pat]

Or maybe you're trying to be a smart a** and intentionally twist my words around.

Nope. I'm being totally sincere and trying to offset the incredibly destructive idea that therapists just tell you what you want to hear because you pay them. That idea undermines the whole relationship between therapists and patients. And it's as accurate as saying that firemen only rush into burning buildings and save people because we pay them. At some level we all do what we do to make a living, but we have choices in what we do. Therapists have to get advanced degrees, most have to pass licensing exams and participate in continuing education. They can probably get the same money doing less work. But the ones I've met have a genuine desire to help people.

Saying that they only tell you want you want to hear because you pay them says that they don't care about you; they don't care about the outcome; they only care about the check. And anyone who accepts that "thought" immediately puts themselves at a huge disadvantage because they can no longer have confidence in the advice / guidance they're getting.

[Marcelle]

Good luck, but remember the human mind is not an easy thing to figure out or fix. Not like a TV set or car transmission.

Personally, I think of therapists as someone you pay to tell you what you want to hear. Sure it's deeper than that but that's the basics. Do you want to be "cured" or do you want the therapist to say you need to transition? Or do you want to go back week after because he/she will let you talk and not judge you?

I was "sent" to therapy twice many years ago for different issues and I can't look back and see where it helped one bit.

Krisi,

I can't speak with any authority on your own experience with therapists as I don't have any fidelity on your personal circumstances. To a point, I agree with what you say in that not all therapists are created equal and anyone with the right academic credentials can hang out a shingle and play "The Doctor is in". So it is possible that you had two therapists who are generalists and not schooled primarily in the area you needed to discuss or, they were just lousy therapists. It is also possible that some people go to a therapist and are not open to their help, repress what is salient and just don't cooperate so . . . just saying these folks are naturally going to see therapy as a bunk. It is also possible that some people truly don't need the therapy, know it and are not receptive to being referred . . . again . . . it is not likely to help.

However, there are people out there in extreme emotional pain, depression, repression and all the craziness that goes with being transgender and talking to someone who is experienced in this area is a good way to bring order to chaos. Any therapist worth her/his salt is going to work with the person and guide them. I get skeptical when someone comes on here and says my therapist told me I am transsexual after two visits. I spent two years in therapy with a wonderful therapist who has experience in trans issues and not once did she say . . . I think you are this or that. She allowed me to explore, acted as a sounding board, guided and when I realized I was transsexual then we moved forward. Don't get me wrong, she challenged everything I said and made me dig deep and work hard but it is part of the process. However, I never once felt she was just there to get paid . . . she saved my life.

Not hacking on your opinion . . . it is yours and you are welcome to it. I just want to provide those who might read your post with a balanced point of view. Therapy is hit and miss and you get what you put in. If you are not honest or you only want to hear what your want to hear, it will go nowhere fast. Do your homework and if it is possible find a therapist who specializes in transgender issues. If you don't know, reach out to a local trans support group for a reference. Once you find the therapist your first visit should be about discussing her/his experience and what you expect to get out of therapy and what she/her can do for you. If she/he indicates that in a few visits they will be able to determine if you are or are not trans . . . I would approach this therapy with caution. Your follow-up visits should be about introspection and self-discovery not "well if you like to dress up like a woman you are a woman". Therapy takes hard work and you have to be prepared to open yourself like a book and if you don't . . . it won't work.

All this to say, it is plausible for some therapists to be an absolute waste of your time which is why you really need to do your homework. If you are not happy with the direction of the therapy, let the therapist know and if she/he will not see reason . . . find a new one. If you are only looking for what you want to hear (e.g., I am or am not trans) then your therapy will be a bust IMHO. You have to be prepared to discover something about yourself you may or may not like and only then will therapy be able to help you.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Maria 60]

Well there's no better place to vent then here. It's good your getting help and just take it slow, and hope to hear some happy stories from you in the future

[DIANEF]

Wow, I thought I had problems. I can only imagine the pain and trauma you are going through, in the past I have had brief moments when I really, really wanted to be a woman, but have now accepted what I am. I'm sure the simple act of talking to someone will be a help, to a greater or lesser extent., I don't know..Really hope you work out your issues with your partner too. Good luck to you x

[Teresa]

Marcelle,
You have a wonderful way of making the point thanks for taking the time to make the picture clearer with the comments about therapists/counsellors .

I saw a very good gender counsellor through the NHS , I was due for an initial 16 sessions but an overspend in their budget ended it after 6 sessions, I understand your point about answers not happening overnight but with what we discussed I was able to take it forward enough to decide where I felt I needed to be. Besides she does run a private practice so I could have continued to see her at my expense, we have been in touch and occasionally she Emails me for updates.
I know my DADT situation is still the problem but at least I'm not going round in destructive circles any more through not knowing myself and understanding my needs.

[Jacqueline1965]

Thank you!

Good for you. Be assured you have the support of many of your sisters here, from all across the gender spectrum. Best of luck to you, dear, and please keep us posted.

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Thanks Teresa I'm not in a DADT. I underdress every day with my wifes full knowledge and support and wear other women's clothing daily but I am afraid of what the next level might bring. I just need an unbiased party to weigh in on my situation. Thanks for the support

Jacqueline,

We do have so many things in common, it's almost like reading my life story.

I'm not sure why we have so much fear of therapy/counselling, it's to help us so what's the problem ?

Part of it may be if you're in a DADT situation and you may end up on a road that may be incompatible with your partner and family.
I must admit I had many of those fears and it did nearly end in separation , the main point after gender counselling was that I was close to TS but on the male side of the line, OK I have GD but it's not the end of the World, if you know most of the other facts at least you can come to terms with it . At least you stop going around in destructive circles , my family all know now and I'm out socially meeting other members of the TG community. I accepted a compromise to keep my marriage and family together, it's not always easy but at least they all understand what I'm living with.

I wish you all the luck in the World for Tuesday, I have to admit I enjoyed my counselling it was so good to talk and feel the layers falling away and the true person begin to emerge. The problem I had was my wife didn't want to know, I had the problem and it was for me to sort it. I guess I knew the basic answers but coming from a professional mouth carried more weight when talking to my wife and family. The problem I had was trying not to make my wife look like my main obstacle to my CDing, I kept hitting that wall and had to find ways to work round it. That's how I deal with my CDing now, she doesn't want to know, so I have to work round her, it's not ideal , I would prefer it was different, so there does remain secrets and the inevitable lies.

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I'm not looking to be fixed. I really want some deeper understanding of the issues and how I can cope with the feelings I am having.

So you walk into the therapist's office and say, "I'm a serial killer. I was born that way. I don't want to stop killing because it's fun, but I want to feel better about myself." And you're thinking in return for a co-payment the therapist is going to say, "You're absolutely right." Or run the same scenario with a child molester or wife-beater or an alcoholic who just wants to feel better about his drinking -- you really think that the therapist is going to tell these folks want they want to hear?

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Luckily for me my wife is very accepting of my situation..I guess I feel guilty that she has to deal with it at all although she has never once in 28 years said anything to contrary or been anything but positive.

Jacqueline, I feel your pain. I too just started therapy. So far I'm very impressed.

I was told I really do have GD and that is creating issues for me. Like Teresa, my wife will not ever accept my CDing. Don't know if this is going to solve any issues, but it sure felt good to go as Christina and have someone to talk to about a host of issues.

Good luck with your therapy. I hope they can help.

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In my case I'm with an HMO so I am paying very little and the therapist is probably on a salary and being paid based on me paying them $150/hour. I'm gonna give it a fair chance and hope that they have my best interest at heart.

Nope. I'm being totally sincere and trying to offset the incredibly destructive idea that therapists just tell you what you want to hear because you pay them. That idea undermines the whole relationship between therapists and patients. And it's as accurate as saying that firemen only rush into burning buildings and save people because we pay them. At some level we all do what we do to make a living, but we have choices in what we do. Therapists have to get advanced degrees, most have to pass licensing exams and participate in continuing education. They can probably get the same money doing less work. But the ones I've met have a genuine desire to help people.

Saying that they only tell you want you want to hear because you pay them says that they don't care about you; they don't care about the outcome; they only care about the check. And anyone who accepts that "thought" immediately puts themselves at a huge disadvantage because they can no longer have confidence in the advice / guidance they're getting.

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Thanks for your perspective Marcelle I think you're spot on.

Krisi,

I can't speak with any authority on your own experience with therapists as I don't have any fidelity on your personal circumstances. To a point, I agree with what you say in that not all therapists are created equal and anyone with the right academic credentials can hang out a shingle and play "The Doctor is in". So it is possible that you had two therapists who are generalists and not schooled primarily in the area you needed to discuss or, they were just lousy therapists. It is also possible that some people go to a therapist and are not open to their help, repress what is salient and just don't cooperate so . . . just saying these folks are naturally going to see therapy as a bunk. It is also possible that some people truly don't need the therapy, know it and are not receptive to being referred . . . again . . . it is not likely to help.

However, there are people out there in extreme emotional pain, depression, repression and all the craziness that goes with being transgender and talking to someone who is experienced in this area is a good way to bring order to chaos. Any therapist worth her/his salt is going to work with the person and guide them. I get skeptical when someone comes on here and says my therapist told me I am transsexual after two visits. I spent two years in therapy with a wonderful therapist who has experience in trans issues and not once did she say . . . I think you are this or that. She allowed me to explore, acted as a sounding board, guided and when I realized I was transsexual then we moved forward. Don't get me wrong, she challenged everything I said and made me dig deep and work hard but it is part of the process. However, I never once felt she was just there to get paid . . . she saved my life.

Not hacking on your opinion . . . it is yours and you are welcome to it. I just want to provide those who might read your post with a balanced point of view. Therapy is hit and miss and you get what you put in. If you are not honest or you only want to hear what your want to hear, it will go nowhere fast. Do your homework and if it is possible find a therapist who specializes in transgender issues. If you don't know, reach out to a local trans support group for a reference. Once you find the therapist your first visit should be about discussing her/his experience and what you expect to get out of therapy and what she/her can do for you. If she/he indicates that in a few visits they will be able to determine if you are or are not trans . . . I would approach this therapy with caution. Your follow-up visits should be about introspection and self-discovery not "well if you like to dress up like a woman you are a woman". Therapy takes hard work and you have to be prepared to open yourself like a book and if you don't . . . it won't work.

All this to say, it is plausible for some therapists to be an absolute waste of your time which is why you really need to do your homework. If you are not happy with the direction of the therapy, let the therapist know and if she/he will not see reason . . . find a new one. If you are only looking for what you want to hear (e.g., I am or am not trans) then your therapy will be a bust IMHO. You have to be prepared to discover something about yourself you may or may not like and only then will therapy be able to help you.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Teresa]

Jacqueline,
I really hope it does go well for you, you are very fortunate having the support of a partner, I can't tell how much more difficult it is when you're on your own with it. Being told you have to fix you own problems when in a DADT situation makes it almost impossible to get it right. I know I accepted a compromised lifestyle, there's nothing counselling can do to make that right, so you are in a much better position to deal with the issues that arise from your therapy.

[Jacqueline1965]

Well I had my session today and it went well. It was the intake session so we went through all the normal questions. I had written on my form that among other things I had "gender issues". I was hoping this would be a conversation starter but she did not ask me about it. So, with a about 5 minutes to go I brought it up. She was very grateful that I did and asked me some questions and said we were going to dive into it in our next session. She was very comfortable with the subject and didn't bat an eye. She even said that is was probably at the root of my anxiety compounded by all the other factors. Thank God! I feel so much better just having got it out!

Cheers
Jacqueline

[Georgette_USA]

Never saw any gender Therapists, don't know if any existed back in the 60s-70s.

I HAD to see Psychiatrists a few times in my teens and Navy and for Security Clearance.

Only when I was getting my letters for SRS did I actually go for my own reasons. By that time I was dressing full except for work. He did have me come in men's clothes at least once, I guess so he could evaluate both my personas.
His letters said as a man I was uneasy and not very confident, but as a woman I was so relaxed and confident.

[Staci Roberts]

Well after 10 years of depression and anxiety and just not feeling right I am finally getting myself into therapy. I am going to lay it all out for the first time to a professional. Shit is gonna get real! I need to know what I am? Just a CD or is there more to it than that. I need help sorting through all the conflicting feelings I am having. I have suffered three close deaths and a job loss over the past 10 months and have been more and more in the mood to crossdress...I am obsessed with being female...I think about it 24/7. Every time I see a decent looking female I want to be her...I also like women sexually but this is so different from that. I have other issues too but I think this is at the root of it all...it just confuses the hell out of me. I love my wife to death and the thought of doing anything that would hurt her in any way tears me up inside...she is incredibly supportive of me...but I still have tons of angst. Oh well thanks for letting me vent. I know I'm not alone...wish me luck on Tuesday.

Jacqueline

Interesting. I had a similar experience recently. After years and years of they typical "feelings" and drives, it was pointed out to me that it just might be an addiction, much like more "common" addictions (drugs, booze..whatever). Bottom line, if the behavior is controlling you (me), and you (me) are not in control of it...then it has become an addictive behavior, reinforced each time we dress. Please do not take this as preaching, as I too am on the same road. I enjoy dressing, but it cannot take over. I wonder exactly how many of us are actually OCD or have addictive personalities? My guess? The number is high. I am going to continue my journey and learn, try and understand and find peace with this! Good luck with your journey!

[Lori Kurtz]

Yes, crossdressing as a form of addiction can be a good thing to consider in psychotherapy. For some of us, that's not an issue at all, but for some, including me, it definitely can be. I think that's part of why I'm reluctant to get back into actively dressing up. I have managed to avoid getting into addictive relationships with any other behaviors or substances, but my dressing, at some points, caused some major imbalances in my life. You've pointed to the right question to ask, Staci: am I controlling the behavior, or is it controlling me? Jacqueline, it might be useful for you to delve into your own answer to that question in future sessions with your therapist. Just one of many areas for you to explore as you discover more about yourself.

[Sarasometimes]

Glad to hear that your 1st session went well. A question you may ask her is her experience with gender issues. I didn't get meaningful therapy until I found therapists trained and experienced in gender. Sadly I didn't know what I was missing until I found it. Much money spent educating my therapists, urgh! I think if I had asked earlier practitioners "How do you feel about me coming here dressed?" I might have gotten the vibe they really weren't comfortable with gender. I sadly due to insurance changes, I may have to go elsewhere next year and I have eliminated several "gender therapists" by asking "Can I come dressed and have you had other clients do so?" I think someone with experience will have had that occur already.
Hope you found a great one first!! Now be open and honest and you should make great strides understanding your needs and how to meet them within your current existence. That is what I have been getting finally.

[Pat]

I don't think "addiction" is the correct term in this case. You might consider it a form of obsession if you're letting it take over your life, but you're no more addicted to crossdressing than you are to sleeping (even though you probably sleep every day.)

[CONSUELO]

I spent several sessions with a psychologist to help me deal with the onset of a bout of depression that in part was caused by a massive layoff program at work and I was one of the managers who had to make decisions about who stayed on the payroll.

I came right out and told her that I was a transvestite. What I experienced was someone who encouraged me to talk about myself and to explore relevant events in my past and through that enable me to understand myself and begin to try to answer some of my own questions. She made me feel comfortable and she was not at all judgmental but she certainly did not tell me "what I wanted to hear". What I learned from that experience was that I had no idea of "what I wanted to hear" anyway.

It was very beneficial and helpful and I wish it could have gone on for a longer time as with each session I found myself delving deeper and deeper into who I really am and how I should interact with family and friends.